About me
- Viktor Persson
- My name is Viktor and I am standing up for life. I stand up for the principle of equality in order for all to have a life of dignity.
lördagen den 5:e november 2011
fredagen den 15:e april 2011
Teachers have also been children
Hello
Today I’ve realized how difficult it is to become a good lawyer; it will take time and accumulation to become a good lawyer. I’ve realized that I am still not as effective within writing as I know I am capable off – I know I can be really, really effective, yet I haven’t allowed myself to push this forth yet. I still doubt myself too much in relation to my writings. I will stop this and simply write what comes up here in the moment, walk each moment as a new moment, and write simplistically. I know I am capable of writing clearly and simplistically – this is one of the skills that I’ve developed in my life.
I’ve today pushed myself to speak self-forgiveness out loud on points as they arise – it’s been very effective. I’ve applied self-forgiveness on points with Anna, on points around fear in relation to my school, on these re-occurring points that I have yet to deal with in my writings. If I take them up for self-forgiveness immediately it becomes so much easier to let them go. So, I am pushing myself to let to go points immediately as they arise, and today I made great success with this; I managed to push through, clearly and effectively, a point of depression that I have often gone into. This time the depression came up, yet I wasn’t influenced or controlled by it at all. This was very cool.
Further, what I experienced yesterday with my teacher was very strange. It was like small outbursts of anger, and even extreme sadness – sadness so extreme it almost took me over completely. It was fascinating when that happened, because it was like I was getting back to my childhood, when I used to cry and express emotions freely.
When I realized I was about to cry I became frightened that anyone was going to see me, especially frightened that my teacher was going to see me or any of the guy’s in my class. But I sat up straight, I looked into the eyes of my teacher, and I let my experience wonder through my body – be shown, be seen, and then I let it go.
It’s fascinating how worried I actually am about what others might think about me, especially when it comes to these various emotional experiences that one is able to have – that I actually fear that others are going to think that I am weak and inferior; this is the real fear. This fear has been with me most of my life, and it’s a fear that I have become to such an extent that in the moments when I free from it, it’s like a completely new world open up to me, and I am able to see myself, people, the world in a totally different way.
It’s this fear of being weak that has made me suppress myself, compromise myself, isolate myself, hide myself – fearing that anyone is going to find out, or see, understand, realize that I am not actually as strong as I present myself to be. I am not as powerful as I present myself to be. I am not as certain of myself as I present myself to be. Many times I am instead afraid, fearful and nervous, but this I attempt to hide and never show to anyone.
Though, when Anna came into my world there has become changes, as well as since I have required interacting with people on a daily basis. I am getting more stable, and through self-forgiveness I have been able to let go of the fears that are the most possessive and limiting. Though there are still fears to take on and move myself through as my teacher showed me today.
What did my teacher show me?
She showed me that I care about what others think about me. She showed me that I desire to have recognition and validation from a teacher, or a authority. She showed me that I see myself according to how authorities see me, and that I become happy, calm and satisfied when authorities are happy and satisfied with me. This is the desire to become accepted by an authority.
In class this pattern shows through my thoughts when I get positive feedback from my teacher. I become happy, I feel satisfied, I think that I am better than what others are, I feel like I am successful. Then I will go back to that memory the entire day and think about that situation, when I was able to get the praise and recognition from my teacher. It will become a pleasant energy in my breast, which is false satisfaction. It is pride but pride that isn’t self-honest, it’s instead a pride that is caused by another telling me that I am good.
This point has then come up as thoughts. I’ve several times recalled the times when my teacher has told me that she has been pleased with me and I have thought, with pride, that it’s only to me that she has said this. It’s only to me that she has said this. Am I special because of this?
It’s funny to realize that I have attempted to present myself as this genius lawyer that understood and comprehended everything from the beginning. I wanted to show everyone that I had the knowledge all sorted out, and I knew what I was talking about. But recently I have begun to see that being a lawyer is all about accumulation, and that it takes time to accumulate. I wanted to be a lawyer the moment I stepped into my education but that is impossible, because I haven’t yet accumulated the knowledge to be able to do this. Those that have gone before and that have done this, they are not special, they have simply through time accumulated the knowledge that was required.
And this is a big miss-conception in society. We mistake knowledge to be intelligence. We mistake a professor, or a lawyer that knows much about the law book as being intelligent and above the rest – he is not. He is just as much a human being as everyone else, and when he began his lawyer education he knew as little as I do now.
This is often forgotten. Those teachers are also children once, they also learn the knowledge, they also make mistakes and they also misunderstand. It’s not like they are born as these perfect machines that are able to know and understand the answer to everything but this is how it is presented. It’s presented as if the professors, the teachers, and these enlightened men of our society are apparently more than the rest. When in fact, all they have done is to read books and then form their own knowledge upon the foundation of these books. It’s not something they were born with, it’s not something that is only able for them, it’s a learnt skill and ability, and everyone is able to learn such a skill.
So, teachers, professors as the enlightened people of our world, they are really not as great as they want to be. They are in fact as much flesh and blood as any other human being and the great deception is that they are somehow something more.
1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that my teachers are to become impressed with me
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my teachers are better than me – that because they are able to write, read law – that they are superior to me
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having more knowledge than another makes me better than another, to believe that knowledge is in anyway making me intelligent and more than others
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it makes me special to be a professor, that it makes me special to hold on to much knowledge, that it makes more than others, not realizing that I am as much physical as everyone else is
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that certain people are above the physical, that certain people are more than the physical, more established, greater, more effective, more grand than what I am due to their knowledge
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire praise from my teacher, within the belief that I need and require praise from my teacher – in the belief that my teacher is greater than me – more than me – and that I must have her recognition in order for me to be able to love myself
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my teacher is able to give me self-acceptance, that I am supposed to look for self-acceptance, self-love, value and recognition in my teacher – instead of allowing myself to live this myself
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, diminished, and rejected when my teacher do not comply with my way of writing and using the Swedish language
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be regarded as a effective artist, as a famous artist, as a great user of the Swedish language that is able to do more than what others are able to with the Swedish language
Today I’ve realized how difficult it is to become a good lawyer; it will take time and accumulation to become a good lawyer. I’ve realized that I am still not as effective within writing as I know I am capable off – I know I can be really, really effective, yet I haven’t allowed myself to push this forth yet. I still doubt myself too much in relation to my writings. I will stop this and simply write what comes up here in the moment, walk each moment as a new moment, and write simplistically. I know I am capable of writing clearly and simplistically – this is one of the skills that I’ve developed in my life.
I’ve today pushed myself to speak self-forgiveness out loud on points as they arise – it’s been very effective. I’ve applied self-forgiveness on points with Anna, on points around fear in relation to my school, on these re-occurring points that I have yet to deal with in my writings. If I take them up for self-forgiveness immediately it becomes so much easier to let them go. So, I am pushing myself to let to go points immediately as they arise, and today I made great success with this; I managed to push through, clearly and effectively, a point of depression that I have often gone into. This time the depression came up, yet I wasn’t influenced or controlled by it at all. This was very cool.
Further, what I experienced yesterday with my teacher was very strange. It was like small outbursts of anger, and even extreme sadness – sadness so extreme it almost took me over completely. It was fascinating when that happened, because it was like I was getting back to my childhood, when I used to cry and express emotions freely.
When I realized I was about to cry I became frightened that anyone was going to see me, especially frightened that my teacher was going to see me or any of the guy’s in my class. But I sat up straight, I looked into the eyes of my teacher, and I let my experience wonder through my body – be shown, be seen, and then I let it go.
It’s fascinating how worried I actually am about what others might think about me, especially when it comes to these various emotional experiences that one is able to have – that I actually fear that others are going to think that I am weak and inferior; this is the real fear. This fear has been with me most of my life, and it’s a fear that I have become to such an extent that in the moments when I free from it, it’s like a completely new world open up to me, and I am able to see myself, people, the world in a totally different way.
It’s this fear of being weak that has made me suppress myself, compromise myself, isolate myself, hide myself – fearing that anyone is going to find out, or see, understand, realize that I am not actually as strong as I present myself to be. I am not as powerful as I present myself to be. I am not as certain of myself as I present myself to be. Many times I am instead afraid, fearful and nervous, but this I attempt to hide and never show to anyone.
Though, when Anna came into my world there has become changes, as well as since I have required interacting with people on a daily basis. I am getting more stable, and through self-forgiveness I have been able to let go of the fears that are the most possessive and limiting. Though there are still fears to take on and move myself through as my teacher showed me today.
What did my teacher show me?
She showed me that I care about what others think about me. She showed me that I desire to have recognition and validation from a teacher, or a authority. She showed me that I see myself according to how authorities see me, and that I become happy, calm and satisfied when authorities are happy and satisfied with me. This is the desire to become accepted by an authority.
In class this pattern shows through my thoughts when I get positive feedback from my teacher. I become happy, I feel satisfied, I think that I am better than what others are, I feel like I am successful. Then I will go back to that memory the entire day and think about that situation, when I was able to get the praise and recognition from my teacher. It will become a pleasant energy in my breast, which is false satisfaction. It is pride but pride that isn’t self-honest, it’s instead a pride that is caused by another telling me that I am good.
This point has then come up as thoughts. I’ve several times recalled the times when my teacher has told me that she has been pleased with me and I have thought, with pride, that it’s only to me that she has said this. It’s only to me that she has said this. Am I special because of this?
It’s funny to realize that I have attempted to present myself as this genius lawyer that understood and comprehended everything from the beginning. I wanted to show everyone that I had the knowledge all sorted out, and I knew what I was talking about. But recently I have begun to see that being a lawyer is all about accumulation, and that it takes time to accumulate. I wanted to be a lawyer the moment I stepped into my education but that is impossible, because I haven’t yet accumulated the knowledge to be able to do this. Those that have gone before and that have done this, they are not special, they have simply through time accumulated the knowledge that was required.
And this is a big miss-conception in society. We mistake knowledge to be intelligence. We mistake a professor, or a lawyer that knows much about the law book as being intelligent and above the rest – he is not. He is just as much a human being as everyone else, and when he began his lawyer education he knew as little as I do now.
This is often forgotten. Those teachers are also children once, they also learn the knowledge, they also make mistakes and they also misunderstand. It’s not like they are born as these perfect machines that are able to know and understand the answer to everything but this is how it is presented. It’s presented as if the professors, the teachers, and these enlightened men of our society are apparently more than the rest. When in fact, all they have done is to read books and then form their own knowledge upon the foundation of these books. It’s not something they were born with, it’s not something that is only able for them, it’s a learnt skill and ability, and everyone is able to learn such a skill.
So, teachers, professors as the enlightened people of our world, they are really not as great as they want to be. They are in fact as much flesh and blood as any other human being and the great deception is that they are somehow something more.
1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that my teachers are to become impressed with me
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my teachers are better than me – that because they are able to write, read law – that they are superior to me
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having more knowledge than another makes me better than another, to believe that knowledge is in anyway making me intelligent and more than others
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it makes me special to be a professor, that it makes me special to hold on to much knowledge, that it makes more than others, not realizing that I am as much physical as everyone else is
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that certain people are above the physical, that certain people are more than the physical, more established, greater, more effective, more grand than what I am due to their knowledge
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire praise from my teacher, within the belief that I need and require praise from my teacher – in the belief that my teacher is greater than me – more than me – and that I must have her recognition in order for me to be able to love myself
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my teacher is able to give me self-acceptance, that I am supposed to look for self-acceptance, self-love, value and recognition in my teacher – instead of allowing myself to live this myself
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, diminished, and rejected when my teacher do not comply with my way of writing and using the Swedish language
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be regarded as a effective artist, as a famous artist, as a great user of the Swedish language that is able to do more than what others are able to with the Swedish language
fredagen den 18:e februari 2011
lördagen den 20:e november 2010
Justice
I slept for a long time today and getting up to sit here in front of my computer has been quite hard. Mostly because I don’t know exactly what to do today and how to place my time. And because I don’t have anything decided for myself I will not get out of bed as easily. It’s much easier when I have thing that I have set for myself that I am going to do.
So I will have to set some things up for myself to do. And I am quite sure already of what it is that I will be doing today.
I had a hard time getting up as I said and this was also due to an experience that keep coming up within me in relation to a chat I had yesterday with Anna. It was a very short moment where Anna asked me if I understood what show to another means. I couldn’t place it that at moment so I said no. I then said that it might be explain but Anna said no. And this brought up an experience of anger within me that has still been in me this morning as I woke.
I have found myself thinking about this situation and I’ve found myself wanting to find that the fault of the anger I experience was upon Anna. I would for example in thoughts start to create a “solution”. Meaning how I would change myself if this situation would come up again. But that is no real solution, that is only a way to suppress my reaction.
In essence, or in reality the reaction is not real. And why and how would I want to change this situation? I would like to change it from the perspective of validating my emotion of anger as being real. And in my mind I came up with the “solution” of saying, yes I know what shows to another means. Or say something in that moment that would have aborted Anna from speaking to me. And all this points to one thing. That I am blaming Anna for how I experience myself because I place Anna as the responsible one, and the one I must change in order for my experience to change.
If I must change others in order for my experience to change then I am really fucked. Then I will have to wait for others to change to the type of expression I want and I need in order for me to not experience any reactions. Then I will have to live and walk with these emotions and feelings until I die because with most certainty. Or with 100% certainty, nobody is going to change and become the way I want them to become in order for me to experience myself not angry. The anger I experience is a system fault, it’s a mental illness as it blames this world because it’s not the way I want it to be towards me.
I worked a lot with this point yesterday. Still I want to hold on to it. Anger is a energy that I have a relationship with. Anger I’ve often come to define as standing up, as speaking your mind and as clearing the air. When your angry and you express that anger it means that you are right, and that what you say is relevant. Being angry is like the point of rebel, or a point of, this is real, yes anger is really real. If I experience anger towards someone then it’s because of them, because they acted in a manner that isn’t correct and they created this anger inside me.
And it’s through anger, in the energy of anger that I have had my most violent falls in this process. Where I have fallen really bad and then simply having had to pick myself up again.
And I have fallen on anger because this energy of anger still lures me, I still define myself according to this anger. Anger is also the emotion that I have the most trouble to stop, it’s a energy that is very strong. And if you participate or experience anger then it will stick with you for the rest of the day. So when anger comes up I often start to blame and project. And instead of seeing that this anger is in everyway my own creation I think that this anger somehow is created by someone in my environment. And not enough with that, I also want to unleash this anger upon my environment as to take back my pride or my standing with other people.
Anger often comes up when I feel hurt, side-stepped, ignored, teased, in someway treated in a bad manner. Unjust, when I feel unjust treated. Then anger is going to spring up. And at the moment it spring up I will define myself according to it and I will start to feel like I should express something, I should say something. I shouldn’t accept and allow myself to be unjustly treated, side-stepped and abused. But what I miss within this is to realize that I am not really side-stepped, abused or unjustly treated. I experience myself as being side-stepped, abused or unjustly treated, but that is a wholesomely different thing. What I experience isn’t actually real but it’s make belief, it’s a fantasy because nobody can abuse me, or treat me unjustly, or side-step me. Only I can do that towards myself.
Being treated unjustly that is a fascinating point. It’s a point of comparison as to how I see others being treated in relation to me. It’s a point of expectation as in expecting and wanting a certain type of treatment. I want to be regarded as an equal, I want you to listen to me, I want you to respect me, I want to have as much to say about this as everyone else. That are ideas that exist in, under the justice program. I always want to have justice from someone else. Someone else is to change and comply with my demands then I have justice. If someone is not doing as I want them to do, they don’t treat me as I want them to treat me then I don’t have justice.
It’s actually a point of dependence. Because I need someone to treat me a specific way. I need someone to give me equality, I need someone to give me the right to be listened to. Instead of me giving myself all of that. Justice springs from the idea that I am inferior and that I must be given equality from an outside source. Someone is to give me justice, and I will be proved right, and I will have my justice. My proof, my document saying that I have the ability to do what I want to do, and others allow me to do what it is that I want to do. So this is what I am seeking and which I am becoming angry when it isn’t here. But it reveals that I have defined and valued myself according to how another is treating me. Thus placing responsibility in another as to how I am going to experience myself. In the example with Anna, I place responsibility upon Anna, and I want Anna to give me justice and in this moment I completely abdicate all ability, responsibility to change me and to actually stand as the directive principle of me and stop my experiences.
No anger isn’t real in anyway. The anger when I am abused, or I feel like I am abused comes also from a starting point of justice. Where I will become angry as thoughts accumulate in me and as I think that I have been unjustly treated, I have been abused and because of this I must “stand up” and “show” that this is now how I should be treated.
Treated, Rated. So I will start to feel angry and frustrated and I will blame this upon those that apparently abused me not realizing that this is the ultimate giving away of my power and my ability to stop and change myself. I mean, can anyone actually abuse me? What does that idea come from? Where does the feeling of being abused come from? It comes from being hurt, and feeling inferior, feeling less in a moment. And I will thus take these experiences and I will package them into the definition of being abused. And as I have been “abused” I will start to accumulate anger and think that I should take back my pride, I should show them.
But I am actually being totally delusional, because I have created the experience of being abused. I have accepted and allowed energies of feeling hurt, inferior and less within me in a moment. Nobody but me have allowed these energies to be within me. And if I still say that others have actually created these energies within me, then I don’t exist anymore. Then I am a total slave to my mind because I will not be able to stop the experience. I will go out into this world and attempt to change the pictures in this world to no induce this reaction within me not realizing that this is not possible to be done because the reaction doesn’t actually originate from the world that is outside me.
This clears up the issue of anger and how I am still holding unto anger as a valid and real experience. It’s something that you express when you are dissatisfied, when things are not going your way, when people are not listening to you.
Oh, the most recent example of anger is for example the kitchen and responsibilities here in the house which I live in. Now, I will as I see that responsibility isn’t taken care of feel hurt and disregarded, and I will feel like it’s unjust that I will have to take care of this responsibility. From here I will start to compound anger as I think about how unjust it is, and how fucked up everyone else is but me. And I will start to plan and look at how I will be able to bring justice into this situation. Who must I talk to? Must I yell at people for them to listen to me? Must I contact the principle? Basically this is the phase where I am looking for a unleashing of my anger, for a point of balancing up the feeling in me of being unjustly treated through doing something that I feel would bring me back to equal grounds with others. But all in all, my experience isn’t real. But it has been created from a idea, from a living word, or a fucked up word, a picture a reaction and then a solution. But no real solution, only a solution that will continue to re-create the problem. The only real solution is self-forgiveness, and letting the point go totally and completely.
And that’s that, I also want to write about a point in relation to my music that I find interesting and fascinating. It’s the point of, finding myself in music, and also, who am I in music?
I find it fascinating, sometimes during my day’s, after I’ve played guitar I will go into an experience of fear in relation to not remembering how to express myself as music. It will happen after times that I’ve played music and I’ve felt like I have found a “real” way to express myself in music.
Like for example yesterday, yesterday I was sitting and I was singing for long hours. I was experimenting with singing in tune, and how to sing in a way that would compliment my voice the most, and compliment the song the most. I found a way to sing in which I didn’t take as much force as before, yet I sang with my bowl. And the sound became very pleasant, and stable. I did experience myself quite locked into the sound, and there was only short moments where I felt like I could really access this point in me where all and every single note just hit’s the spot. And where it follows no direct pattern but it’s like I am flowing around in the song with my voice, not really bound to the foundation of the song that is the chords. But more playing and having fun on top of those chords.
But anyway, after having tried several different way’s to sing I found one way that I felt comfortable in. Later when I want away from the guitar to sit and read by my computer up came this fear that I would forget how to sing like I sang and that I would return to my more brute and violent way of singing. In relation to this came some thoughts of how I was singing in my very brute and violent way with my teacher, and my school, and I feared that they did not like the way I was singing. So I basically feared that I would be able to attain the definition of myself such as being a good singer and that I would loose my title of being a good musician.
So I picked up my guitar and started to sing in order to find my voice again. And it wasn’t hard, it was here all the time. But this fear shows me that I still desire and want to create myself to be an musician. And also in relation to “finding” my voice there was comparisons towards Joao, and also Matti, where I wondered and thought about how they where singing. And also if I was singing more right than what they where singing. It’s like I attempt to find a right way to sing from a perspective of my mind, as the ideals I have created, and the perceptions I have created of what it means to sing. Instead of listening to my body when I am singing and singing as the entirety of my human physical body.
So, comparisons and doubts. What will people think of me? Are people to find me stupid that I have been doing music for song long and yet I can’t even sing in tune? Are people to find my music be cool and entertaining? Are people going to find my voice being soothing and comfortable or just nasty and covering up the silence of here? Still I carry many fears and expectations upon myself in relation to music which makes it difficult for me to enjoy myself and to really express myself fully in music. It’s not possible to express myself fully in music if I hold judgments, perceptions and ideas. Because then I will obscure natural self-expression and I will enforce my ideas upon the physical, thus expression won’t be full as it won’t be an expression that is really here, unconditional as the physical. It will be an attempt to be like something else. Instead of being like myself here. Though it’s a lot better than what it was before when I had absolutely no contact or feeling towards my body or my voice. But I would just scream and shout without really feeling in me when I was singing.
So I am going to work some more with these judgments and perceptions in relation to music.
Thanks.
So I will have to set some things up for myself to do. And I am quite sure already of what it is that I will be doing today.
I had a hard time getting up as I said and this was also due to an experience that keep coming up within me in relation to a chat I had yesterday with Anna. It was a very short moment where Anna asked me if I understood what show to another means. I couldn’t place it that at moment so I said no. I then said that it might be explain but Anna said no. And this brought up an experience of anger within me that has still been in me this morning as I woke.
I have found myself thinking about this situation and I’ve found myself wanting to find that the fault of the anger I experience was upon Anna. I would for example in thoughts start to create a “solution”. Meaning how I would change myself if this situation would come up again. But that is no real solution, that is only a way to suppress my reaction.
In essence, or in reality the reaction is not real. And why and how would I want to change this situation? I would like to change it from the perspective of validating my emotion of anger as being real. And in my mind I came up with the “solution” of saying, yes I know what shows to another means. Or say something in that moment that would have aborted Anna from speaking to me. And all this points to one thing. That I am blaming Anna for how I experience myself because I place Anna as the responsible one, and the one I must change in order for my experience to change.
If I must change others in order for my experience to change then I am really fucked. Then I will have to wait for others to change to the type of expression I want and I need in order for me to not experience any reactions. Then I will have to live and walk with these emotions and feelings until I die because with most certainty. Or with 100% certainty, nobody is going to change and become the way I want them to become in order for me to experience myself not angry. The anger I experience is a system fault, it’s a mental illness as it blames this world because it’s not the way I want it to be towards me.
I worked a lot with this point yesterday. Still I want to hold on to it. Anger is a energy that I have a relationship with. Anger I’ve often come to define as standing up, as speaking your mind and as clearing the air. When your angry and you express that anger it means that you are right, and that what you say is relevant. Being angry is like the point of rebel, or a point of, this is real, yes anger is really real. If I experience anger towards someone then it’s because of them, because they acted in a manner that isn’t correct and they created this anger inside me.
And it’s through anger, in the energy of anger that I have had my most violent falls in this process. Where I have fallen really bad and then simply having had to pick myself up again.
And I have fallen on anger because this energy of anger still lures me, I still define myself according to this anger. Anger is also the emotion that I have the most trouble to stop, it’s a energy that is very strong. And if you participate or experience anger then it will stick with you for the rest of the day. So when anger comes up I often start to blame and project. And instead of seeing that this anger is in everyway my own creation I think that this anger somehow is created by someone in my environment. And not enough with that, I also want to unleash this anger upon my environment as to take back my pride or my standing with other people.
Anger often comes up when I feel hurt, side-stepped, ignored, teased, in someway treated in a bad manner. Unjust, when I feel unjust treated. Then anger is going to spring up. And at the moment it spring up I will define myself according to it and I will start to feel like I should express something, I should say something. I shouldn’t accept and allow myself to be unjustly treated, side-stepped and abused. But what I miss within this is to realize that I am not really side-stepped, abused or unjustly treated. I experience myself as being side-stepped, abused or unjustly treated, but that is a wholesomely different thing. What I experience isn’t actually real but it’s make belief, it’s a fantasy because nobody can abuse me, or treat me unjustly, or side-step me. Only I can do that towards myself.
Being treated unjustly that is a fascinating point. It’s a point of comparison as to how I see others being treated in relation to me. It’s a point of expectation as in expecting and wanting a certain type of treatment. I want to be regarded as an equal, I want you to listen to me, I want you to respect me, I want to have as much to say about this as everyone else. That are ideas that exist in, under the justice program. I always want to have justice from someone else. Someone else is to change and comply with my demands then I have justice. If someone is not doing as I want them to do, they don’t treat me as I want them to treat me then I don’t have justice.
It’s actually a point of dependence. Because I need someone to treat me a specific way. I need someone to give me equality, I need someone to give me the right to be listened to. Instead of me giving myself all of that. Justice springs from the idea that I am inferior and that I must be given equality from an outside source. Someone is to give me justice, and I will be proved right, and I will have my justice. My proof, my document saying that I have the ability to do what I want to do, and others allow me to do what it is that I want to do. So this is what I am seeking and which I am becoming angry when it isn’t here. But it reveals that I have defined and valued myself according to how another is treating me. Thus placing responsibility in another as to how I am going to experience myself. In the example with Anna, I place responsibility upon Anna, and I want Anna to give me justice and in this moment I completely abdicate all ability, responsibility to change me and to actually stand as the directive principle of me and stop my experiences.
No anger isn’t real in anyway. The anger when I am abused, or I feel like I am abused comes also from a starting point of justice. Where I will become angry as thoughts accumulate in me and as I think that I have been unjustly treated, I have been abused and because of this I must “stand up” and “show” that this is now how I should be treated.
Treated, Rated. So I will start to feel angry and frustrated and I will blame this upon those that apparently abused me not realizing that this is the ultimate giving away of my power and my ability to stop and change myself. I mean, can anyone actually abuse me? What does that idea come from? Where does the feeling of being abused come from? It comes from being hurt, and feeling inferior, feeling less in a moment. And I will thus take these experiences and I will package them into the definition of being abused. And as I have been “abused” I will start to accumulate anger and think that I should take back my pride, I should show them.
But I am actually being totally delusional, because I have created the experience of being abused. I have accepted and allowed energies of feeling hurt, inferior and less within me in a moment. Nobody but me have allowed these energies to be within me. And if I still say that others have actually created these energies within me, then I don’t exist anymore. Then I am a total slave to my mind because I will not be able to stop the experience. I will go out into this world and attempt to change the pictures in this world to no induce this reaction within me not realizing that this is not possible to be done because the reaction doesn’t actually originate from the world that is outside me.
This clears up the issue of anger and how I am still holding unto anger as a valid and real experience. It’s something that you express when you are dissatisfied, when things are not going your way, when people are not listening to you.
Oh, the most recent example of anger is for example the kitchen and responsibilities here in the house which I live in. Now, I will as I see that responsibility isn’t taken care of feel hurt and disregarded, and I will feel like it’s unjust that I will have to take care of this responsibility. From here I will start to compound anger as I think about how unjust it is, and how fucked up everyone else is but me. And I will start to plan and look at how I will be able to bring justice into this situation. Who must I talk to? Must I yell at people for them to listen to me? Must I contact the principle? Basically this is the phase where I am looking for a unleashing of my anger, for a point of balancing up the feeling in me of being unjustly treated through doing something that I feel would bring me back to equal grounds with others. But all in all, my experience isn’t real. But it has been created from a idea, from a living word, or a fucked up word, a picture a reaction and then a solution. But no real solution, only a solution that will continue to re-create the problem. The only real solution is self-forgiveness, and letting the point go totally and completely.
And that’s that, I also want to write about a point in relation to my music that I find interesting and fascinating. It’s the point of, finding myself in music, and also, who am I in music?
I find it fascinating, sometimes during my day’s, after I’ve played guitar I will go into an experience of fear in relation to not remembering how to express myself as music. It will happen after times that I’ve played music and I’ve felt like I have found a “real” way to express myself in music.
Like for example yesterday, yesterday I was sitting and I was singing for long hours. I was experimenting with singing in tune, and how to sing in a way that would compliment my voice the most, and compliment the song the most. I found a way to sing in which I didn’t take as much force as before, yet I sang with my bowl. And the sound became very pleasant, and stable. I did experience myself quite locked into the sound, and there was only short moments where I felt like I could really access this point in me where all and every single note just hit’s the spot. And where it follows no direct pattern but it’s like I am flowing around in the song with my voice, not really bound to the foundation of the song that is the chords. But more playing and having fun on top of those chords.
But anyway, after having tried several different way’s to sing I found one way that I felt comfortable in. Later when I want away from the guitar to sit and read by my computer up came this fear that I would forget how to sing like I sang and that I would return to my more brute and violent way of singing. In relation to this came some thoughts of how I was singing in my very brute and violent way with my teacher, and my school, and I feared that they did not like the way I was singing. So I basically feared that I would be able to attain the definition of myself such as being a good singer and that I would loose my title of being a good musician.
So I picked up my guitar and started to sing in order to find my voice again. And it wasn’t hard, it was here all the time. But this fear shows me that I still desire and want to create myself to be an musician. And also in relation to “finding” my voice there was comparisons towards Joao, and also Matti, where I wondered and thought about how they where singing. And also if I was singing more right than what they where singing. It’s like I attempt to find a right way to sing from a perspective of my mind, as the ideals I have created, and the perceptions I have created of what it means to sing. Instead of listening to my body when I am singing and singing as the entirety of my human physical body.
So, comparisons and doubts. What will people think of me? Are people to find me stupid that I have been doing music for song long and yet I can’t even sing in tune? Are people to find my music be cool and entertaining? Are people going to find my voice being soothing and comfortable or just nasty and covering up the silence of here? Still I carry many fears and expectations upon myself in relation to music which makes it difficult for me to enjoy myself and to really express myself fully in music. It’s not possible to express myself fully in music if I hold judgments, perceptions and ideas. Because then I will obscure natural self-expression and I will enforce my ideas upon the physical, thus expression won’t be full as it won’t be an expression that is really here, unconditional as the physical. It will be an attempt to be like something else. Instead of being like myself here. Though it’s a lot better than what it was before when I had absolutely no contact or feeling towards my body or my voice. But I would just scream and shout without really feeling in me when I was singing.
So I am going to work some more with these judgments and perceptions in relation to music.
Thanks.
onsdagen den 10:e november 2010
Stability and comfort
The point of the savings and my father. It’s a fascinating point, because I don’t really treat the savings as if they are mine. I have them there, a gigantic pool of money. But I don’t really use them, to the extent that I could use them. Basically because I fear loosing them, and I fear then living from hand to mouth. Not having anything more than the salary of the month.
I actually fear that a lot, because there might be some eventuality, there might be something that happens.
And then, without any warning I am totally fucked, and my entire life is totally fucked. Though, it could be like that in every moment that I am totally fucked. I mean, I could go out on the streets and be hit by a car. And then my life would be totally fucked. I have gotten used to these savings, I have gotten used to living a comfortable life because all of these savings has always been with me. And I have now told myself that I am going to wait until my life becomes a little more stable before I actually spend my savings.
What the fuck does that mean? When is my life going to become a little more stable? When is my life ever really stable? What I am look at as stable is having my apartment, and a steady pay from month to month. I have one bill to pay, and I am paying this bill every month. And I have my economy planned out over a long period of time. That is basically my definition and idea of stability. That I am living in a house, that I own, and I have money, and I can clearly see how there is not going to be any trouble in my life what-so-ever.
So there still exists survival within me, and their still exists fear. Yet, I don’t want to waste my fucking money and bullshit.
A actual practical reason as to why I don’t buy shit now is because I will eventually move. And the more shit I buy the more shit will have to move. That is a relevant reason. The reason that I am waiting for my stability to take place, it’s not valid. Stability will never exist in this money system. I will never experience a time of total stability.
I see that this definition that there is actual stability in this system got formed in my youth, when my parents lived the life. It was very, very stable, and there didn’t seem to be much fear or anxiety at all in terms of money. Everything just seemed to work, and everything just seemed to be in place, and everything just seemed to flow by itself.
And that came to be my stability, that house which I lived in with my parents. And my sibling. It was like nothing could threaten us there in that neighborhood, everything was so protected and easy going. And I dream that I would also one day be able to live in the same way.
And I guess that as I started to smoke Marijuana, and I started to dream about living in a house out in the woods. That this was the same thing I was looking at. A point of stability, a point of being sure that this home was always going to stand there for me, and that it was not going to disappear. It was going to be my security. And I dreamed a lot about having a house in the country, and at one point I almost bought one. If I had known more about how the banking system operated I would have probably bought one.
I have viewed the home, the farm, the place where you live as your security. And it is from this place that you live, and you create, and you express yourself. It’s in your home that you build your life as you collect possessions and you slowly build up your life. So that is why I wanted to have a farm. Because I wanted to have my own garden, I wanted to have my studio, I wanted to have all these things because I thought it would ground me and give me a experience of being stable, being calm and not stressed, but rather, very much comfortable.
Each time I have actually fulfilled one of these dreams, and I realize now as I am writing that most of my dreams have this same starting point. Even the dreams where I wanted to give myself a purpose or a interest. It is the same thing that I have wanted. A grounding a experience. Something that I can hold myself onto, like my rock of stability in this world that I can sit on and that I can return to and that I can always trust to be there. And it’s like this because I have never been that rock of stability to myself. I have never experienced myself as grounded here.
The experience of not being grounded began when I was moving around a lot with my parents. But no, not really, it wasn’t so much of a hassle to me.
But this is the point, my search for a self-definition. And my search to be able to calmly lie myself down into this self-definition and from there experience peace and security the rest of this life. Basically searching for a point where I can be calm and where I can be satisfied with myself. Not seeing that this point is not separate from me, it’s who I am, if I develop myself to stand as that.
This is the reason to why I have searched for relationships and friends, to why I have shifted from interest to interest, to why I haven’t been able to stick with my decisions and live my decisions through into completion. Because, I have never been satisfied with myself. And the point, the actual point of stability and security, and purpose, which is basically, a point of finding meaning to be here, has never revealed itself in what I have been doing. And as such I have continued to search, continued to look, walking from thing to thing and always missing myself that was right here.
So I am living myself as stability, and not as security, but as comfort. As stability and comfort. And meaning, it’s a, what is meaning, meaning is to apply myself in relation to what is best for everyone. And meaning is to apply myself in relation to what is best for myself. Any other meaning doesn’t exist, meaning is here in this moment, as who I allow myself to be, as the direction I allow myself to take, as the considerations I allow myself to do. And other than that, meaning, and purpose doesn’t exist. When I express and live as life there is no purpose, because I am the purpose. And there is nothing that is separate from me.
I actually fear that a lot, because there might be some eventuality, there might be something that happens.
And then, without any warning I am totally fucked, and my entire life is totally fucked. Though, it could be like that in every moment that I am totally fucked. I mean, I could go out on the streets and be hit by a car. And then my life would be totally fucked. I have gotten used to these savings, I have gotten used to living a comfortable life because all of these savings has always been with me. And I have now told myself that I am going to wait until my life becomes a little more stable before I actually spend my savings.
What the fuck does that mean? When is my life going to become a little more stable? When is my life ever really stable? What I am look at as stable is having my apartment, and a steady pay from month to month. I have one bill to pay, and I am paying this bill every month. And I have my economy planned out over a long period of time. That is basically my definition and idea of stability. That I am living in a house, that I own, and I have money, and I can clearly see how there is not going to be any trouble in my life what-so-ever.
So there still exists survival within me, and their still exists fear. Yet, I don’t want to waste my fucking money and bullshit.
A actual practical reason as to why I don’t buy shit now is because I will eventually move. And the more shit I buy the more shit will have to move. That is a relevant reason. The reason that I am waiting for my stability to take place, it’s not valid. Stability will never exist in this money system. I will never experience a time of total stability.
I see that this definition that there is actual stability in this system got formed in my youth, when my parents lived the life. It was very, very stable, and there didn’t seem to be much fear or anxiety at all in terms of money. Everything just seemed to work, and everything just seemed to be in place, and everything just seemed to flow by itself.
And that came to be my stability, that house which I lived in with my parents. And my sibling. It was like nothing could threaten us there in that neighborhood, everything was so protected and easy going. And I dream that I would also one day be able to live in the same way.
And I guess that as I started to smoke Marijuana, and I started to dream about living in a house out in the woods. That this was the same thing I was looking at. A point of stability, a point of being sure that this home was always going to stand there for me, and that it was not going to disappear. It was going to be my security. And I dreamed a lot about having a house in the country, and at one point I almost bought one. If I had known more about how the banking system operated I would have probably bought one.
I have viewed the home, the farm, the place where you live as your security. And it is from this place that you live, and you create, and you express yourself. It’s in your home that you build your life as you collect possessions and you slowly build up your life. So that is why I wanted to have a farm. Because I wanted to have my own garden, I wanted to have my studio, I wanted to have all these things because I thought it would ground me and give me a experience of being stable, being calm and not stressed, but rather, very much comfortable.
Each time I have actually fulfilled one of these dreams, and I realize now as I am writing that most of my dreams have this same starting point. Even the dreams where I wanted to give myself a purpose or a interest. It is the same thing that I have wanted. A grounding a experience. Something that I can hold myself onto, like my rock of stability in this world that I can sit on and that I can return to and that I can always trust to be there. And it’s like this because I have never been that rock of stability to myself. I have never experienced myself as grounded here.
The experience of not being grounded began when I was moving around a lot with my parents. But no, not really, it wasn’t so much of a hassle to me.
But this is the point, my search for a self-definition. And my search to be able to calmly lie myself down into this self-definition and from there experience peace and security the rest of this life. Basically searching for a point where I can be calm and where I can be satisfied with myself. Not seeing that this point is not separate from me, it’s who I am, if I develop myself to stand as that.
This is the reason to why I have searched for relationships and friends, to why I have shifted from interest to interest, to why I haven’t been able to stick with my decisions and live my decisions through into completion. Because, I have never been satisfied with myself. And the point, the actual point of stability and security, and purpose, which is basically, a point of finding meaning to be here, has never revealed itself in what I have been doing. And as such I have continued to search, continued to look, walking from thing to thing and always missing myself that was right here.
So I am living myself as stability, and not as security, but as comfort. As stability and comfort. And meaning, it’s a, what is meaning, meaning is to apply myself in relation to what is best for everyone. And meaning is to apply myself in relation to what is best for myself. Any other meaning doesn’t exist, meaning is here in this moment, as who I allow myself to be, as the direction I allow myself to take, as the considerations I allow myself to do. And other than that, meaning, and purpose doesn’t exist. When I express and live as life there is no purpose, because I am the purpose. And there is nothing that is separate from me.
måndagen den 8:e november 2010
A downer
I got down into a small these last moments. Don’t, I know why. Because I lied down to sleep, and look at a movie in my bed. And in that moment I thought that I had already lied in my bed to much today. And that I should rather sit up and look at the screen.
This depression was actually followed, or directly inter-related with many thoughts coming up about me doing something. About me moving myself in a particular direction. It has something to do with the fact that I for the last two day’s produced some vlogs, and it felt good, and I felt like I had some purpose. Like, I am moving myself to establish equality, and I have actually stuff to do.
And now, the energy ran out, and if I am to move myself now, it will be done without any energetic incitement at all. Which is actual real self-movement, when it’s done with any energetic charge, or any purpose, or any drive.
So the depression came up because I wanted to do something, yet, I felt like I had no energy and no desire to actually do something. And I didn’t really know what to do. What is fascinating is that, I was lying in my bed watching a documentary. Which is something that I enjoy, and something that assists me in expanding my understanding of the current system. And then I felt like, this what I am doing isn’t actually enough. I need to do something more.
So the depression got sparked by the, I need to do something more syndrome. I need to become something more. I need to accomplish something more. And actually, I remember having thoughts of doing a documentary, where I would film people in my school, where I would edit the film, and where I would actually become famous for making a cool documentary. That is the kind of thoughts that is driving this experience. Because, it’s the thought of want and need to become something that is separate from here. Like in this case, a very cool documentary filmer. Like a dream and desire. And because I don’t have that here, I enter to the energy of depression.
And this is has been a re-occuring pattern within me. Nowadays, I stop this pattern before I actually live it out. And living this pattern out means that I will fully start to participate in some kind of thing. I am going to take a decision, which will feel, like it’s a brand new start for me. I am going to, within this decision feel energetically charged, and powerful, and I am going to feel like world is at the front of my feet.
I will then start to move myself within this decision, until the energy run out, and I don’t want to do that very thing no more. And that is the pattern which is playing out at this moment. Now it’s actually in relation to my vlogging, blogging, my participation with desteni, and also a desire to become something within this. That is why, I feel dissatisfied with myself. Because I feel like I must do more and more in order to become something within this. It’s thus not done for myself, here, but it’s done in order to achieve, and succeed, and basically satisfy ideas and concepts of the mind that isn’t really here.
And when I enter this state of the competitor, where I will structure my life systematically. I will begin to live more systematically. For example, I write, but there is no self-enjoyment or self-expression within the writing. There is only, I am writing to get this done, so that I can get to the next task and get that task done. So that I can get where I want to get.
It’s that point of making myself systematic and mechanic that also holds a lot of the reason as to why I experience myself as being depressed. Because, there is no presence in what I do here. I am separated, and instead of being here within every moment. Where I am moving myself as the moment, enjoying myself as what is here, I am projecting. And I am doing things in my mind, and thus completely missing myself, self-expression, here, the physical.
I am getting aware of this point, and how this point is influencing me and my life. It’s also the point of me wanting my life to be in a specific way. It’s so limiting to have a future. It’s so limiting to have a path your going to walk. It’s so limiting to have something to reach, because it takes away so much from reality and from that which is here. Which is me. If I am already set to go somewhere within my mind, set to become something within my mind, I miss out on reality, that is here. And I miss out on opportunities and possibilities that presents themselves here, because I am totally fucked and lost in my mind. Which is just, not comfortable, and not enjoyable at all.
Thus it’s to become satisfied with myself here and walk this process as myself. The process of politics, as well as the process of purifying myself. I am walking it here as myself, and there is no plan, there is no expectation to reach, or come, or get anywhere. I am allowing myself to be here and walk in the moment.
I also feel, that laziness play’s a part in this. Because I was lying in my bed, and I looked at two documentaries, and the day before I was also lying in my bed looking at two documentaries. The thing is, what is it that I should do then? Read. It’s the same as looking at a movie. The point is not about what I do, but about who I am within it. Am I directive, and am I aware of what I am doing. Or am I following a pre-programmed path. In terms of looking at documentaries, this is me, and I am aware of what I am doing. I am researching the current monetary system. And there is no place I could be more effective, there is nothing more that I should be doing. I can only do as much as I can do in one breath. And that is enough. Thus I allow myself to let go, and I allow myself to trust myself in relation to self-movement. And do that which I see is supportive for me, supportive for everyone.
And the point of poker have also opened up, I am going to push myself to start playing poker. To, push myself in situations of pressure. Which is basically, situations where a lot of money is at stake. And it’s a arena that I’ve always been afraid of. The gambling arena. And I’ve not liked gambling, because I have feared that I was going to get addicted to gambling. Or that I was going to loose all my money by gambling. It’s just, stupid fears, and it’s time to gamble some. So I am going to set that up.
Okay, that is enough of mind-constructs. I am still practicing mind-constructs and how to write them out. I like to write my mind constructs, in a very, sloppy, manner, like, very fast and just as it comes up in the moment. And this brings up some reactions within me. Because part of me feels like I should write my mind-constructs much more organized, and that I should be much more specific and concentrated when I do my mind-constructs and another part of me, just want’s to write out the mind-constructs, just like I do when I am writing. Basically I write out the sequence of thoughts and how they are coming out. And I want to ask muscle communication about this. But I realize it’s just up to oneself, as to how one want’s to utilize the tools, and express the tools.
The fear this comes from. Because it’s in essence a fear, it’s the fear of not making process. And that I will, if I don’t write out my mind-constructs properly and correctly not be able to transcend the mind.
But, in self-honesty, I see that this way is effective. The thing I might be missing with this is working with a point specifically and intently all the way through, with self-forgiveness, and self-statements, because that I am not utilizing yet. And that is the point I see as valid.
But, fuck it, I am here, and I express myself. I enjoy these tools, as I apply them, and I do what works for me. And at the moment, working with mind-constructs this way works for me.
This depression was actually followed, or directly inter-related with many thoughts coming up about me doing something. About me moving myself in a particular direction. It has something to do with the fact that I for the last two day’s produced some vlogs, and it felt good, and I felt like I had some purpose. Like, I am moving myself to establish equality, and I have actually stuff to do.
And now, the energy ran out, and if I am to move myself now, it will be done without any energetic incitement at all. Which is actual real self-movement, when it’s done with any energetic charge, or any purpose, or any drive.
So the depression came up because I wanted to do something, yet, I felt like I had no energy and no desire to actually do something. And I didn’t really know what to do. What is fascinating is that, I was lying in my bed watching a documentary. Which is something that I enjoy, and something that assists me in expanding my understanding of the current system. And then I felt like, this what I am doing isn’t actually enough. I need to do something more.
So the depression got sparked by the, I need to do something more syndrome. I need to become something more. I need to accomplish something more. And actually, I remember having thoughts of doing a documentary, where I would film people in my school, where I would edit the film, and where I would actually become famous for making a cool documentary. That is the kind of thoughts that is driving this experience. Because, it’s the thought of want and need to become something that is separate from here. Like in this case, a very cool documentary filmer. Like a dream and desire. And because I don’t have that here, I enter to the energy of depression.
And this is has been a re-occuring pattern within me. Nowadays, I stop this pattern before I actually live it out. And living this pattern out means that I will fully start to participate in some kind of thing. I am going to take a decision, which will feel, like it’s a brand new start for me. I am going to, within this decision feel energetically charged, and powerful, and I am going to feel like world is at the front of my feet.
I will then start to move myself within this decision, until the energy run out, and I don’t want to do that very thing no more. And that is the pattern which is playing out at this moment. Now it’s actually in relation to my vlogging, blogging, my participation with desteni, and also a desire to become something within this. That is why, I feel dissatisfied with myself. Because I feel like I must do more and more in order to become something within this. It’s thus not done for myself, here, but it’s done in order to achieve, and succeed, and basically satisfy ideas and concepts of the mind that isn’t really here.
And when I enter this state of the competitor, where I will structure my life systematically. I will begin to live more systematically. For example, I write, but there is no self-enjoyment or self-expression within the writing. There is only, I am writing to get this done, so that I can get to the next task and get that task done. So that I can get where I want to get.
It’s that point of making myself systematic and mechanic that also holds a lot of the reason as to why I experience myself as being depressed. Because, there is no presence in what I do here. I am separated, and instead of being here within every moment. Where I am moving myself as the moment, enjoying myself as what is here, I am projecting. And I am doing things in my mind, and thus completely missing myself, self-expression, here, the physical.
I am getting aware of this point, and how this point is influencing me and my life. It’s also the point of me wanting my life to be in a specific way. It’s so limiting to have a future. It’s so limiting to have a path your going to walk. It’s so limiting to have something to reach, because it takes away so much from reality and from that which is here. Which is me. If I am already set to go somewhere within my mind, set to become something within my mind, I miss out on reality, that is here. And I miss out on opportunities and possibilities that presents themselves here, because I am totally fucked and lost in my mind. Which is just, not comfortable, and not enjoyable at all.
Thus it’s to become satisfied with myself here and walk this process as myself. The process of politics, as well as the process of purifying myself. I am walking it here as myself, and there is no plan, there is no expectation to reach, or come, or get anywhere. I am allowing myself to be here and walk in the moment.
I also feel, that laziness play’s a part in this. Because I was lying in my bed, and I looked at two documentaries, and the day before I was also lying in my bed looking at two documentaries. The thing is, what is it that I should do then? Read. It’s the same as looking at a movie. The point is not about what I do, but about who I am within it. Am I directive, and am I aware of what I am doing. Or am I following a pre-programmed path. In terms of looking at documentaries, this is me, and I am aware of what I am doing. I am researching the current monetary system. And there is no place I could be more effective, there is nothing more that I should be doing. I can only do as much as I can do in one breath. And that is enough. Thus I allow myself to let go, and I allow myself to trust myself in relation to self-movement. And do that which I see is supportive for me, supportive for everyone.
And the point of poker have also opened up, I am going to push myself to start playing poker. To, push myself in situations of pressure. Which is basically, situations where a lot of money is at stake. And it’s a arena that I’ve always been afraid of. The gambling arena. And I’ve not liked gambling, because I have feared that I was going to get addicted to gambling. Or that I was going to loose all my money by gambling. It’s just, stupid fears, and it’s time to gamble some. So I am going to set that up.
Okay, that is enough of mind-constructs. I am still practicing mind-constructs and how to write them out. I like to write my mind constructs, in a very, sloppy, manner, like, very fast and just as it comes up in the moment. And this brings up some reactions within me. Because part of me feels like I should write my mind-constructs much more organized, and that I should be much more specific and concentrated when I do my mind-constructs and another part of me, just want’s to write out the mind-constructs, just like I do when I am writing. Basically I write out the sequence of thoughts and how they are coming out. And I want to ask muscle communication about this. But I realize it’s just up to oneself, as to how one want’s to utilize the tools, and express the tools.
The fear this comes from. Because it’s in essence a fear, it’s the fear of not making process. And that I will, if I don’t write out my mind-constructs properly and correctly not be able to transcend the mind.
But, in self-honesty, I see that this way is effective. The thing I might be missing with this is working with a point specifically and intently all the way through, with self-forgiveness, and self-statements, because that I am not utilizing yet. And that is the point I see as valid.
But, fuck it, I am here, and I express myself. I enjoy these tools, as I apply them, and I do what works for me. And at the moment, working with mind-constructs this way works for me.
söndagen den 7:e november 2010
Moving myself as all, and having fun
I’ve enjoyed to do several vlogs today, and I’ve basically been enjoying myself the entire day. And I’ve been quite silent, I’ve had some patterns come up, but I mean, if I compare towards before. This is heaven. Heaven on earth that is me, not having any mind patterns going around.
What I wrote yesterday about my pattern of starting things, jumping of things cleared up a lot of things for me. When I woke up today I experienced myself very stable, and like I could really feel my body. And instead of my day looking at my dauntingly, I quite enjoyed the prospect of getting up and expressing myself.
It’s like the starting point of my life, I have begun to change the starting point of my life. From seriousness, from wanting reach, from wanting to get, and from wanting to achieve, to instead a exploration, a adventure, and something that I can enjoy. Everything must not be perfect, everything must not be better than what others do it, nobody needs to have any opinion about what I do what-so-ever. I do it because I see that it needs to be done. And within that, that I see what need’s to be done, I try whatever I try. And I enjoy that, because it’s a point of creativity. Of conveying my realizations, my insights, my perspectives in writing, or in music, or in vlogs, it’s just fun to be a part of this movement. Because I see that this is what must be done. Get humanity out of this sleep that have lasted for so long through expressing, and moving, and expressing, and moving. And it doesn’t matter how it looks, or how it’s perceived, or what others think of it. What matters is the principle that is conveyed, the message, not the messenger. So, that’s why I have enjoyed myself so much. Because I begun to remove the seriousness from myself, and instead I am walking this process more, because it’s fun, and I take opportunities to express myself, take opportunities to explore our current system, and move myself within the current system and I allow myself to play around, and fool around.
Freedom of expression, that is what I haven’t allowed myself to live in this process yet. That was what Jorn got to hear from resonances. And I start to understand what freedom of expression means, and what it means to be innocent.
For example, if I make music. Before, I would concentrate on the final product, how good this can become, what will others think of it, how will this be received. Now when I do music, I simply do the music, and I enjoy myself when I am doing it. I am not thinking anything. And when I write the lyrics, I have fun writing the lyrics. I explore words, I explore expressions, and I just do it. Without any thoughts behind it. And that’s what innocence is. To not have any want within what your doing.
Another example is, if I am doing a movie, then I would focus on the quality of the movie, the quality of how it looked, and I would desire it to be perfect. I wouldn’t give a damn about me, and my self-expression, myself and how I experience myself in that moment. But that is what I am doing now, or, I am working on this point. I am working on establishing this point of self-enjoyment within everything that I am doing. So that I am not doing everything to get it as good as possible, but I am doing it because I enjoy it, I am doing it until I am satisfied, I am doing it as a point of just letting go and having fun and not worrying. So that’s the point.
I noticed that this point is getting through in my vlogs also, because I have much easier to speak, and express myself. And it’s because I have seen this point, of seriousness, and of, basically, having to be so up-tight at all times. Feeling like I must achieve, and place something of value, something that will catch the attention of others. Instead of just doing it because I enjoy it, enjoying myself in the moment. Not having any expectations upon myself, not wanting myself to come out in any particular way, not comparing myself to anybody else. But I am just doing it for myself.
And, when I write that, I am doing it for myself, I am thinking that it’s egoistical. But isn’t everything we do, done for self. Because I am always here with myself. I can’t actually not do something, not for myself. Everything that I say, everything that I choose to participate in, it’s done for myself.
What I feel like this collides with is the point of what is best for all. And that if I do what I enjoy, if I do things for myself. Than I will exclude others, and then I won’t consider others. But that doesn’t have to be true, I can do things for myself, and still have others participate. I mean, I am doing vlogs, for myself, but I am doing it because I want others to see them and also realize what I’ve realized. But I am doing it for myself, within my own self-honesty, of what I’ve realized that I must do, and not for anyone else.
So doing things for myself, doesn’t need to be anything that is bad. And just because I do for myself doesn’t have to mean that I am not doing what is best for all. If I am acting as what is best for all, for myself, that is the point. Where my standing is not done for others, I am not expressing myself because anyone say that I should express myself. I am doing it for myself, because I’ve realized that this is what I must do. This is what I want to do. This is somebody must do. And that is why I do it. And I don’t do it because someone tells me to do it.
I wanted to get that clear. Because it’s a point I am uncertain of, and have been uncertain of. That, how can I do something for myself, if I am doing what is best for all. But it makes sense, if I see and realize that who I am, who I actually am is everyone. Thus when I do something for myself, I am actually doing something for everyone. Because I am not separate from anyone. I am everyone.
Thus, actual self-movement, actual self-expression, is when everyone is considered. Because then you are considering yourself. Because you are actually everyone.
I am moving myself for myself. And I am moving myself to establish myself within, no I am moving myself to establish equality. And I am enjoying that immensely. I enjoy establishing equality within me, as I let go of patterns, definitions, ideas. And I enjoy establishing equality as this world, as I write and as I do vlogs and blogs. It’s just, very fun.
Okay,
Bye
What I wrote yesterday about my pattern of starting things, jumping of things cleared up a lot of things for me. When I woke up today I experienced myself very stable, and like I could really feel my body. And instead of my day looking at my dauntingly, I quite enjoyed the prospect of getting up and expressing myself.
It’s like the starting point of my life, I have begun to change the starting point of my life. From seriousness, from wanting reach, from wanting to get, and from wanting to achieve, to instead a exploration, a adventure, and something that I can enjoy. Everything must not be perfect, everything must not be better than what others do it, nobody needs to have any opinion about what I do what-so-ever. I do it because I see that it needs to be done. And within that, that I see what need’s to be done, I try whatever I try. And I enjoy that, because it’s a point of creativity. Of conveying my realizations, my insights, my perspectives in writing, or in music, or in vlogs, it’s just fun to be a part of this movement. Because I see that this is what must be done. Get humanity out of this sleep that have lasted for so long through expressing, and moving, and expressing, and moving. And it doesn’t matter how it looks, or how it’s perceived, or what others think of it. What matters is the principle that is conveyed, the message, not the messenger. So, that’s why I have enjoyed myself so much. Because I begun to remove the seriousness from myself, and instead I am walking this process more, because it’s fun, and I take opportunities to express myself, take opportunities to explore our current system, and move myself within the current system and I allow myself to play around, and fool around.
Freedom of expression, that is what I haven’t allowed myself to live in this process yet. That was what Jorn got to hear from resonances. And I start to understand what freedom of expression means, and what it means to be innocent.
For example, if I make music. Before, I would concentrate on the final product, how good this can become, what will others think of it, how will this be received. Now when I do music, I simply do the music, and I enjoy myself when I am doing it. I am not thinking anything. And when I write the lyrics, I have fun writing the lyrics. I explore words, I explore expressions, and I just do it. Without any thoughts behind it. And that’s what innocence is. To not have any want within what your doing.
Another example is, if I am doing a movie, then I would focus on the quality of the movie, the quality of how it looked, and I would desire it to be perfect. I wouldn’t give a damn about me, and my self-expression, myself and how I experience myself in that moment. But that is what I am doing now, or, I am working on this point. I am working on establishing this point of self-enjoyment within everything that I am doing. So that I am not doing everything to get it as good as possible, but I am doing it because I enjoy it, I am doing it until I am satisfied, I am doing it as a point of just letting go and having fun and not worrying. So that’s the point.
I noticed that this point is getting through in my vlogs also, because I have much easier to speak, and express myself. And it’s because I have seen this point, of seriousness, and of, basically, having to be so up-tight at all times. Feeling like I must achieve, and place something of value, something that will catch the attention of others. Instead of just doing it because I enjoy it, enjoying myself in the moment. Not having any expectations upon myself, not wanting myself to come out in any particular way, not comparing myself to anybody else. But I am just doing it for myself.
And, when I write that, I am doing it for myself, I am thinking that it’s egoistical. But isn’t everything we do, done for self. Because I am always here with myself. I can’t actually not do something, not for myself. Everything that I say, everything that I choose to participate in, it’s done for myself.
What I feel like this collides with is the point of what is best for all. And that if I do what I enjoy, if I do things for myself. Than I will exclude others, and then I won’t consider others. But that doesn’t have to be true, I can do things for myself, and still have others participate. I mean, I am doing vlogs, for myself, but I am doing it because I want others to see them and also realize what I’ve realized. But I am doing it for myself, within my own self-honesty, of what I’ve realized that I must do, and not for anyone else.
So doing things for myself, doesn’t need to be anything that is bad. And just because I do for myself doesn’t have to mean that I am not doing what is best for all. If I am acting as what is best for all, for myself, that is the point. Where my standing is not done for others, I am not expressing myself because anyone say that I should express myself. I am doing it for myself, because I’ve realized that this is what I must do. This is what I want to do. This is somebody must do. And that is why I do it. And I don’t do it because someone tells me to do it.
I wanted to get that clear. Because it’s a point I am uncertain of, and have been uncertain of. That, how can I do something for myself, if I am doing what is best for all. But it makes sense, if I see and realize that who I am, who I actually am is everyone. Thus when I do something for myself, I am actually doing something for everyone. Because I am not separate from anyone. I am everyone.
Thus, actual self-movement, actual self-expression, is when everyone is considered. Because then you are considering yourself. Because you are actually everyone.
I am moving myself for myself. And I am moving myself to establish myself within, no I am moving myself to establish equality. And I am enjoying that immensely. I enjoy establishing equality within me, as I let go of patterns, definitions, ideas. And I enjoy establishing equality as this world, as I write and as I do vlogs and blogs. It’s just, very fun.
Okay,
Bye
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