The difference between Trying and Being

To try to be is a big trap. To try to be something instead of being here.

What is it that causes this behaviour of trying to do something, and what is it that causes the beliefs and ideas that there are somehow some kind of disempowerment between me and other humans. Inferiorty, gullibility is words that comes up and words which I have.

I mean depending on how other human-beings deem and see me and through that define me as a being is what makes life complicated. It is what creates all kinds of ideas and opinions about one-self. Just a word, a sentence from another being can penetrate my entire world and bring it to smitherens. And why, because it was all the time based on how my world perceive me, what my world can give me and never on myself. Relying on what humans can give me in form of emotional energy to sustain my image of myself.

This has been a issue with me for my entire life, comparison, uncertainty about who I am. Human's have always seemed to be able to look more assertive than me and within this I have always felt less assertive, less dense. A lesser density in my expression, a expression more based on energy as energy as what reactions I receive from other human beings. And this can be applied to a lot of points in my world, the dependency of confirmation of encouragement, of energy to sustain my fake form of myself. And when the energy, the purpose is gone I am left with myself.

The first point is Music, as I see now I have never really played and singed as myself, as a natural, calm, relaxed expression in every moment, at ease with myself. Instead of have been singing for the validation of other humans, and within this changed and tried to fit into other beings way of expression to feel as if I get better and improve in the eyes of others. And then when the Improvement as energy is taken away by the other polarity manifesting as disencouragement, all the emotions which I have suppressed comes up and shows me what I have been doing towards myself. Interesting.