Feeling observed

After having viewed my writings. I saw how inconsistently I wrote. And that I was very sloppy with words, left certain words out. And didn’t care to explain about the situation that I was involved in. It was like I was writing for a quick solution and a quick release. Now I will change my way of writing to a more calm, fluent and stable way of writing. Where I will express myself calmly in the words I write. And through this calm, fluent directive expression of me as my words I will be able to clarify points much more effectively. I won’t be rushed anymore but a expression of patience.

Writing assists me a lot. With writing I am able to let go of my mind possesions and return to breath. It’s fascinating. There is no effort involved. There is no struggle involved. All I do is that I formulate and express words on this white sheet infront of me. And as I place word after word I become more silent within. More stable. More embracing the realization that my experience is in essence not real. But a creation of words that are in seperation from. A creation of thoughts which I have participated in automatically. Inducing me into a state of energy. And this is the state that I am writing about and placing before me. Placing the very essence of my experience before me as the words which I have participated in and created myself through.

So it assists me a lot to write. With writing I can walk myself through everything. I can write down my thoughts, that in my head make no sense and overwhelm me. And get them unto a piece of white paper. And as I see them being on a white sheet infront of me. I am able to let them go. I am able to see what it is that I am participating in clearly. There are no hidden thoughts anymore, through writing I can dig into the darkest corners of my experience. I can look at every aspect of a situation or a event. Through writing I program myself. Through writing I direct myself and create myself.

It’s fascinating. That is actually what I am doing as I am writing. I am programming and giving myself direction. The quality of the words I write will be experienced in the quality of my life experience. Or my experience of myself. Because as I sit here and write, I am directing and placing myself. In terms of who I am going to be. And what I am going to stand for. How I am going to live and how I am going to direct myself.

There is happened things in my world that I have reacted towards. Situation, different pictures, different reactions. Writing out the specifics of these situations might assist me. So I will do this.

Maite did not anymore want me as her stable assistant. She told me that I should go be with either Gian or Fidelis. For practical reasons. I have had some thoughts around this. Where I have suspected that Maite might not actually be directing me towards Gian and Fidelis for unselfish reasons, but actually just want me out of her life.
I’ve had thoughts of Blame towards Maite. Maite and my relation, or should I say, my experience around Maite was not comfortable. And I blamed Maite for my experience. Told myself that Maite was to controlling, to worried, to possesive, that I couldn’t relax around Maite because she always observed me and my mistakes.

As I write this I realize that this experience of Maite always observing me. Being on the look-out for mistakes. Is a projection. It’s not a actual observation and experience. The experience comes from within me, and it originates from a fear of doing something wrong.

My fear and my suspicion towards Maite originates from the fear of being rejected. From the fear of being disliked. And as Maite told me to be Gians, and Fidelis stable assistant I actually felt hurt. I don’t want to admit it to myself. And I wanted to simply brush it away. But I felt hurt. And I felt like I had failed my relationship with Maite and Leslie-John.

I am quite glad that my experience with Maite and Leslie-John is over. The reason being that I felt a lot of pressure while I was being around these two beings. They did not cause, I caused it. But I am relieved that I don’t have that experience anymore. And I am also relieved that I don’t have to take care of Ben anymore. As this responsibility was also a point in my world that I was worried about.

So three points, or some points that I will look into with self-forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what people think of me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worry about myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not being able to fulfill my responsibilities
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worry failing my responsibilities
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my world will turn against me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my world will become angry at me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when people look at me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid when people look at me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid of showing myself towards people
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid of how I am going to be towards people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of how I should express myself towards people
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I should view and see other people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something that will make people critisice me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being critisiced
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will disagree with me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will not stand by me in what i say, do or live
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having people being against me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having people not wanting to support me in what i choose to do
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being supported
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being encouraged by people
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself infront of people, because it feel’s like they are trying to find a weakness in my behaviour and expression and use that to their advantage

I am here
I accept myself