Pushing through fear

Waking up and I am quite tired today. I know what kind of labour is waiting for me today and I don’t look forward to it. It’s a very physically straining labour where you must carry lot’s of weight.

Yesterday it was also very hot. So it was not comfortable at all.
The main point that I am facing still is anxiety and fear of people. I feel like I have made a break-through with this point. As anxiety or fear now comes up I am able to breath through, remain in breath, and not feed the anxiety. When I do this. Push through my fear I realize that I am still here. And that I constant as self-expression.
Though I still become possesed with anxiety and fear. And it’s around specific people. Sunette, Andrea, Esteni, Bernard, Rozelle, Leslie-John, Maite. In sweden I didn’t experience as many reactions to the people that where in my life. There where lot’s of reactions of fear towards people. But not at all as much as it is here.
I am pretty clear about what it is that I fear about people. And when my fear comes up. The only point I have not yet been able to get in terms of my anxiety and fear is the point of stopping. A complete and full stop. I am trying, I am pushing myself, yet the anxiety and fear still holds power over me. So I will have to go in deeper with self-forgiveness.

Other than that, I like it here on the farm. Since I decided to go through with my law and my music I have felt comfortable in terms of my future. I feel settled inside myself and I am looking forward towards coming back to sweden so I can start manifesting my reality the way I want it. I decided that I am going to spend the money I earn on musical equipment. And I am going to create my own little studio. Get in contact with musicians and learn to record my songs effectively at home. It’s going to be really fun. For the first time I have a purpose and a direction in my life. Because this is something that I would really like to do. And this is something that I will really enjoy.

And I have decided now to become a lawyer. And that also feels good, feels like I am stable in my decision. Like I am now ready to just focus and get my ass in gear to be able to do the stuff that needs to be done. It feels cool. Like my direction is now laid down, and all that is required is for me to walk it. And at the same time I have this amazing support from myself through writing and self-forgiveness. It might be possible to live a really cool life like Bernard said. Here in every moment of breath with no attachment to any outcome.

I read Marlens blog yesterday. And I became inspired to change my way of writing into a more intimate and exploring way. I have been writing very much in haste. Without taking my time to write down my experiences. Write down what I think and believe, and so on. So I have taken over Marlens way of writing. She is very playfull in her writing, seems to write very much in the moment. And take a point, and then wander from that point to the next. So she doesn’t really decide, this is what I am going to write about. But it’s more of a flow. Of something simply comes in the moment.
Me and Esteni are having a great time doing music. Esteni is really enjoying herself and I am also enjoying myself. It’s fascinating how stable I am within my music. When I play and sing it’s like nothing exists but me. And I can’t be disturbed. And when I quit playing I sort of re-tract from this expression and standing and return to my normal way of being. Where I am the shy, uncomfortable one.

It’s cool to take so much time to perfect one song. The song that I am doing with Esteni is really a magnificent song. And it was written without any effort at all. After every time that I have written a song like this I am often suprised by how perfect they are. How perfect the lyrics is. When I sit down to write such a song, I often experience my song, and what I write. As not worth it. Or simply some shit that nobody will listen to.

Interessting I see a polarity here in terms of worth and the opionons of people. I have defined worth according to how people react and express themselves towards what I create. Thus when there is no such reaction against my material I become uncertain and judge my material as not having any worth.

So fascinating stuff. Yesterday as I was sitting with Rozelle and Esteni I felt very uncomfortable. I thought it was strange that I felt such because the day before, I was so clear and without anything moving in me. And so this day, as I was sitting down to play with Esteni there was lot’s of reactions in me.

When I am with Esteni I have noticed a being nice system coming through. The being nice system exist in a such a way. That it’s better to agree than to disagree. That it’s better to give in than to have a conflict. The being nice system comes up when I am to point things out to Esteni. And as I am to choose the words that must be communicated for me to effectively be able to share what I see. I notice the experience, and thought coming up within me of. But I can’t say it that way, it would be dishonest, it would be bad. And then I send myself for a trip in uncomfort and fear.
Other than that, being able to communicate directly with Esteni. I am satisfied. But it’s annoying me, this fear of being bad, or to direct, or to evil towards Esteni or someone else. It’s coming up in many occasions. And I can see that the question I asked to resonances in terms of how my horse experienced itself around me. Is exactly what I am living out. In constant fear of how others are going to experience themselves around me I live. Constantly wanting to know how I make others feel, how I make others experience themselves.

This is the point with Esteni. And it could be the point of my uncomfort around people. Where I don’t really want to let go of my uncomfort around people. Because then I would simply not react. And how would others react then. If I just stood there without any movement within, how would others feel and experience themselves.
This has also been the point, in terms of me looking at people. Following people’s with eye. In the back of my head the thought is there. How am I creating their experience? Am I making them uncomfortable? What am I making them feel when I do this?
It’s like a right and wrong. A constant right and wrong. Where I always experience this slight anxiety in fear. Where I fear that I will for a moment loose my discipline over myself and do something that is wrong, that is unacceptable
Working with the guy’s brings up lot’s of shit in me that I don’t understand.

I actually had a small break-down today because I felt like the shit coming up was just to much. And I couldn’t handle the magnitude and the mass of what was coming up.
The most re-occuring thing that comes up. For example I am doing some work. And then I see that Gian is turning himself against me. He is now looking at when I am working. Then fear starts to build inside me. And I start to get all these thoughts in where I try to see, or think what Gian can possibly mean by turning against me like that. Am I doing everything allright? And I am breathing. But I can’t fully let go of the experience of fear within me. It is influencing me.

And so when I work with others. And today I was driving my wheel-barrow and a small wooden ramp. And it almost fell off. At that moment I percieved in my eye sight Leslie-John was looking at me. And thoughts began to move in. How does he see me? Is he judging me? Is he seeing any system in me?

And I sat down and I thought all of these thoughts. They are all coming from a fear of people seeing a weakness in me. This fear of Sunette and Leslie-John being able to see shit in my behaviour, to see dishonesties and crap like that. It’s the fear of being inferior. The fear of not being in tune with the moment so to speak. Where I don’t have anything that exposes me as being less than another.

It was interessting to see how my thoughts was building up. How I due to me not talking, not expressing myself as much as the others started to go into a inferiorty. Started to feel more and more alienated from the others. Constantly thinking that I am not as good as the others.

There where so many thoughts that flew in my head during that short span of time as I interacted with Fidelis, Gian and Leslie-John. And I can see how much value I have placed into what other people think of me and how other people see me. This I can see because the times, or day’s when i do express, and when I do talk a lot. Are the day’s when I feel good about myself, when I feel confident and in control of my enviroment. And then day’s when I don’t talk much and express myself much are the day’s when I am beginning to judge my application and judge myself.

It’s like a evil circle that I enter. When i am starting to feel unsatisfied with myself. Starting to think that I am having to many reactions, and that I am not directive enough. Then I start to judge myself. And soon I am pissing on myself all the time. Until I feel like everything is shit and there is reactions coming from everywhere.

And then I do strange things in thoughts. It’s like I pump myself up in thought through statements in where I compare myself towards others. And I find something which I feel that I can do better than what others can do.
Like for example playing guitar.

And I had some scary conversations in my head about Gian. In where I placed myself as superior to Gian and started to speak of him. Wondering why he even was allowed to stay on the farm with all of his actions that are based in energy. And to not feel as inferior to others, as alienated to others on the farm, I talk within me of how I am better than others. Of how I am mores table. And further ahead than what others are in process.
It’s like I have the need to pump myself up because I don’t feel sufficient in comparison to others. It’s this status and popularity thing that is fucking with me. This veil placed over all real objects. A veil of value. Not realizing oneness and equality. All as one as equal. Where there is no value seperate from self. Where there is no value to be gained through having others viewing and seeing self in a specific way.
It’s very interessting to see how I behave with people. And how I place myself and value myself in a group of people.

I also saw today. How I when I asked Gian if my wheel was on the wooden board. How I afterwards felt inferior, as I compared myself towards Fidelis. That didn’t ask Gian if his wheel was on the wooden board. And then I decided in that moment that I should be more confident and not ask either. And then when Leslie-John asked where his wheel was, I realized this point. That I had created seperation within myself without even being aware of it.

So there is lot’s of self-judgement in me as I wake up. Lot’s of comparison towards others. Lot’s of feeling like my life is less than the life’s of others. Like my experience of me is less satisfying than the lifes of others. And so to make this up, I have actually considered in thought to force myself into inter-action with other people. Just so that I can have this feeling, and this experience of being inferior and alienated from others go away.

So that is my experience. It makes me remember my experience in school and with friends. Where I would constantly be in anxiety and worry around how others saw me, what kind of status I had with others, and how I was viewed by others. It’s this exact same system that I am facing. And with people in sweden I felt stable and cool, because I wasn’t defined towards those people. I defined myself according to desteni and the members of desteni.

So here I am facing the popularity system, the anxiety of how people see me system. The anxiety of how people will like me system.
In school. I remember writing down all my friends names to calm myself down. To assure myself that I was fine. I remember leaving from home to meet friends even though I didn’t want to do it just so that I could relax and let go of the anxiety. The anxiety of not being social and not having any friends.

It might be a primal survival instict, to assure my own survival through having as many friends as possible. To assure my own survival through being in a group at all times and being accepted by this group of people.

It’s like I view others as being something more than me. When I view Leila, Esteni, Leslie-John it’s always as if I view someone that have a higher position than me in life. And because of this position I must fight, and struggle to be able to become acccepted by another.

With Leila. I view her relationship to everyone on the farm as being special. I see it as if she has worth. She has popularity. People like her. People care of her. She has a place on the farm and in the group where she is attended to and where she isn’t left out.

And it’s the same with everyone else. As soon as someone talks to another here at the farm. I start to worry whether I should talk more with people or not. Have I talked with people enough? Have I assured my survival here on the farm enough? Do enough people like me enough here? Am I sociable enough and will enough people remember my presence as I leave?

That is what I noticed yesterday as Sunette was talking with someone. Speaking about temperature and how the horses experienced themselves in the temperature. And the moment that Leslie-John shared. I felt outside. I felt like I should speak and should inter-act with others. And if I don’t I will miss out on a great time. If I don’t I will miss out on having human relations and sharing myself with other human beings.
I feel like I am missing out and not getting as much. Or being as much as others. And I have noticed that I have taken comfort through comparing myself to Leslie-John and Fidelis. Thinking that they do not express themselves as much either. They do not talk as much either. So it’s cool if I don’t do it. It’s cool if I don’t talk as much either.

Man so strange, is this the fame construct. The want for fame. And the never-ending thirst for fame. Because when participation with other people stop. When I don’t anymore feed the image of me as being popular. I immediatly go into the polarity. Just as I did with girls. I kissed a girl. And I felt at the top of the world. Then I didn’t kiss a girl. And I felt like a low-scum. And I had to repeat my experience. Yet again go to a girl. To get kissed.

1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in horror of doing wrong
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to exist in fear and anxiety that i will not do good infront of fidelis and gian
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge jorn
4. I forgive myselft hat i have accepted adn allowed myself to judge jorn as inferior and controlling
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to beocme angry when jorns asks me to do something
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to jorn and define me as being further in process and stronger
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to think that i am better than jorn
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to judge mysefl as not being attentive enough when fidelis asks me to do something for him
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to feel like i am being treated as if I am stupid when Fidelis asks me to come to a place that is obious for me
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear and feel anxiety when i am around people
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when i am participating with people
12. I forgive myslef that i have accepted adn alllowed myself to project myself into the future, into a action that i believe i must take and within this create fear of not being able to move myself to do this action
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when i move my body infront of people
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards others due to how my body look and how i posture my body
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured and uncomfortable when people look at me when i work
16. I forgive myself that i have acccepted and allowed myself to fear taking to long time when i do something
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will become frustrated at me and tell me that i am only fucking around
18. I forgive myslef that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when i am mixing cement and somebody is looking at me
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry when someone gives me a order or asks me to do something
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated when someone asks em to do something
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that jorn is inferior to me due to his reactions and his way of speaking and interacting with people
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define jorn as seperate from me
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that jron is not as far in process as what i am
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hope and desire that marlen would be impressed with my presence and my way of being
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when someone, maite is in my world
26. I rgive myslef that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that maite is looking at me and how i close a dorr
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will close the door, or do something in maites presence that maite does not like, in fear that maite will confront me, or that bernard will confront me, or that someone will confront me and that i will then become punished
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable being watched when i move my body
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of how i look and fear that ohters will judge me and body as disgusting and inferior
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are watching how i move myself and are spotting points of reactions and are planning to abuse me through these weaknesses
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are looking down upon me
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that ohters see me as inferior due to how i move myself, how i speak, how i express myself
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for judging me and believe that they are creating a experience of fear and discomfort within me
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being infront or with maite
35. I forgive myslef tha ti have accepte dand allowed myself to become self-concious when i am with people
36. I forgive myslef tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to start to think about how i look, how i am percieved, how others will react and what others might think about me
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing skin towards people
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear that males will look at me with a degrading look, kind of saying that you are inferior to me due to how your body is expressing
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the body shapes of fidelis and leslie john and see me as inferior
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want a body type such as gian have
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fidelis is superior to me due to his body type
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to desire to feel superior to others because i feel inferior towards others
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am ugly and disgusting and less than others because i don’t have as much muscles as fidelis
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with others and moving myself with others in fear that i will do a mistake or make something that others will become angry at me for doing
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when i walk and i see a human being standing and looking at me
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when i do a action or something infront of a human being that looks at me
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when somebody looks at me
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to begin to doubt myself and judge myself when somebody looks at me as i am doing something
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of how i express myself
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of how i look
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not as worthy as others are due to how I express myself and how I look as my human physical body
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I become aware that somebody is looking at me
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear how i should look, where i should look, and how i should place my hands and how i should look with my mouth
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become concious and exist in petrification when I see that somebody is in my enviroment and is aware of my presence
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a fool out of myself
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing control over my body
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming consumed with a reaction and showing this to the person which i share the moment with
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing uncertainty
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing inconfidence
60. I forgive myself tha ti have accepted an dallowed myself to fear not being seen and percieved as stable and having full control over the moment
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being seen as a strong and stable male that have control over the moment
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as stupid
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as childish and not far in process
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will judge me and tell me that i am full of reactions and thereby inferior to others
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving myself
66. I forive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to start to think about how i should move myself, why i should move myself, where i should move myself, when a being comes into my reality. In fear that i will not give the impression of being in control and being stable and knowing what it is that i am doing.
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear leila
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when leila walks against me or looks at me
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when esteni walks against me or looks at me
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking women in the eye
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of looking women in the eye after having abused anna
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to feel pressured and uncomfortable when rozelle is in the same room as me
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured and uncomfortable when sunette is in the same room as me
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when leila and kristina is in the same room as me
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying anything to leila
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be accept and liked by leila
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in leilas room and presence
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be around leila
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when gian is standing and looking at me
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear and feel uncomfortable when andrea asks me something
81. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to be filled with this inferiorty and feeling of uncomfort when i speak with andrea or when i am skaed something
82. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable of talking with people on the farm
83. I forgive myself that i have accepetd and allowed myself to fear and feel uncomfortable when cerise is looking at me in fear that the is a weakness or a dishonesty within me that cerise can see
84. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to desire that cerise see me as strong and capable as bernard
85. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not succeding with my studies
86. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire company and desire someone to be with and talk with
87. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire acceptance and companionship
88. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear gian when i am walking with his horse
89. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking past gian in fear that i am making some mistake with his horse
90. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear walking away from gian when he is doing horses in fear that he will become angry at me, scream at me and tell me that i am not worthy of being close to his horse
91. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to fear being kicked by titan
92. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being kicked in my body and get my bones broken
93. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being kicked by titan in fear of being humiliated infront of the other farm participants
94. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see hurting myself, being beaten, as humiliating
95. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel humiliated nad inferior towards others
96. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear titan
97. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear cerise and experience uncomfort and inferiorty around cerise
98. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to experience inferiorty and fear around all people
99. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide what i experience from myself
100. I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to accept myself and work from there
101. I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to let go of my fear
102. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to speak with others to feel as if I am a part of the gang
103. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I laugh infront of people
104. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy of speaking with girls
105. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to feel inferior when i speak with girls
106. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of saying or doing something that will sound stupid and that will make the girl see me as being inferior
107. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to go around in constant fear
108. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of reight and wrong
109. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will not make it
110. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being social with people
111. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear sticking out as the weird one that nobody likes
112. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the weird one that nobody likes to be around or talk with
113. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear being a freak
114. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being bullied and being put outside of the group
115. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected and not welcome anymore to be a part of the group of desteni