The sexual system

I just saw a sexual system in me. Or something like that. It was really quite uncomfortable to see me and my laugh. As I have a specific kind of laugh that I haven’t found the core of yet. But I do know that the laugh is not a self-expression.
So it was such a subtle moment, where Esteni had her wooden thing turned towards me. And I suddenly began to pain on it. I had quite a strict face on me. Like a mask of strictness as I was painting. And as I pained I saw Esteni turn towards me and look at why I pained there. And at that moment I broke out in my laughter. It was like a victory laugh that I had managed to control and manipulate another being to do what I wanted him or her to do. So strange kind of system, seeing it was quite a shock. Because I saw so clearly what it was that I was doing. And after I realized that point I felt like shit, but my fear and all that dissepeared suddenly. And I was able to move myself with quite ease. So it was very fascinating to see. And how I was like not there, it was like a resonance and a energy only. And I knew what it was I did. But it wasn’t I that did it. How weird it sounds, it was like a moment of possesion. Like a moment of sexual game that I allowed. Because that was what it was, it was a sexual game. And it was just those kind of thoughts that I had in my mind all the time while working with Esteni. And I could feel my body spasms and feel uncomfortable, it’s like, this giant system is becoming visible to me. Where I in all my participation is trying to control others. Because I am exstensive fear and inferiorty inside. And the only way to feel as if I am in control is to assert my control upon others. Make them react.
Yes, man, scary to see a program in action. Like a physically manifested entity just stepped out from me and did what it did. And that fricking laugh, I wonder where specifically it is coming from. It’s like a laugh saying, look i am still in control. I am superior to this moment. I know this moment. You can’t mess with me, I can’t be touched. Like, expressing this superiorty in fear of anyone seeing or treating me in any way as inferior. So it’s fascinating to see what comes up.
This system, will I be able to stop it as it comes up again. It’s hard to say, it was such a fast movement, I didn’t even realize what it was that I was doing until it was over. I didn’t even realize a energy had taken me over. It was actually the same kind of energy that Gian often expresses, like this desire to make a reaction, this desire to create something outside of self that confirms selfs existence to self. That was kind of what I did. Attempting to validate myself through making Esteni experience herself a certain specific way.
And if one look at symbolics of the moment in terms of what I did. I painted on a piece that Esteni had pained. In that saying, Look here you have not been specific here and now I must fix this for you. And as Esteni realized I withdrew and laughed. And the laugh was so revealing. And I experienced shame immedietly, and embarassment.
I remember thinking, why does esteni even want to be with me? I am such a evil asshole. I am not like Fidelis at all. I am not like Leslie John at all these people would not have acted as I acted. I am not like Bernard at all. I am not as stable as these people. And i remember how I was comparing myself towards Fidelis and Bernard. It was the thoughts that went through my mind afterwards. It’s actually what goes through my mind every time esteni is with me. How come she actually want’s to be with me, how come she actually want’s to play with me, how come she actually wants to have anything to do with me. And it was like today I woke up in the zone of being. In the specific beingness where everything is just shit.
Anyway, so fascinating shit. The vampiric nature that has become me. Extracting energy of others in the belief that this makes me more. Energy is nothing and goes away at death. This is the truth. Yet I have allowed myself to live according to energy which is a major fuck up.
This entire day has been quite a fuck-up. It began with Maite and LJ fear. And then continued to fear when I entered the kitchen. And the fear experienced in the kitchen is yet again this discomfort, and fear of letting go of control. Where I try to analyze me world and myself and from the perspective get myself to act. It’s like a huge fear of letting go of control.
And I notice that even as I enter the kitchen I am beginning to worry myself whether I should look at Bernard or not. Whether I should walk through the kitchen or stay in the kitchen. How should i direct myself what should I do?
Is anyone looking at me as I open the fridge? Is Bernard looking at me? Will Bernard comment my clothing? What will I tell Bernard when he comments my clothing? Will Bernard see that I have self-interesst connected to my clothing and that I think myself to be special due to the clothes that I wear?
This where the thoughts, and as I stood in bathroom I started to look at my thoughts. And judge myself for my thoughts. And I was worried, because I knew that Bernard could see everything. And I didn’t want him to see that I was proud over being swedish, that I felt special for living in a cold country. Because those where what all my thoughts was circulating around.
And when I walked out from the Kitchen, I thought. Bernard must see that there is something special about my clothes. Like, my clothes support me in a specific manner.
I am really getting quite tired at this fear. This worry, which is a constant worry of how I will participate and what will happen to me when I do participate. And also, comparison points are coming up. Here in relation to Kristina, and Leslie-John. The point being, but what would, how would Leslie-John have experienced himself? Why am I so much less than Leslie-John? How come I always experience fear and nobody else does.
I am quite afraid of loosing this farm, esteni, the horse. Everything in my life. Not so much from the point of actually loosing it. But more from the point of being afraid of becoming rejected and turned down by everything in my life. I would really feel terrible if Esteni decided not to be with me anymore. And I would feel terrible if Bernard decided to kick me out from the Farm. And I would feel terrible if I couldn’t anymore be Bens pal.
All these points of definition towards my world. All these points of what will they think of me. The fear of being rejected. The fear of being left alone.
The fear of being rejected has been, in all my life one of my major points of fear. One of the points of fear that in every phase of my life have controlled and constricted me.
I remember how I have always held me back, and kind of existed in the background in fear of being me. In fear of accepting myself as who I am in natural self-expression.
I feared in school to be an outcast. And I have always bought clothes that I would hope others liked and found cool. Just so I could become accepted and taken care of in terms of not being alone. I did that so many times, but certain specific clothes that I hoped others would like. Bought clothes which I hoped that others would find me attractive and special in. Bought clothes that I hoped that others would want me to wear.
I am actually finding myself wanting to go back to sweden to be able to apply myself more effectively in terms of youtube, writing, my music, and also the prospect of getting myself a dog. I am finding myself wanting to go back to test my self-direction and move myself within the system more than what I have currently done.
Before I wanted to stay here for six months, But I am finding that I have nothing here that I really want to be for. It’s like I know want to go back and live self-discipline, and move myself in self-discipline, and set up my studio, sell my drums, and do lot’s of music. I have a aching desire to do lot’s of cool music after hearing all Fidelis cool music.
It’s fascinating, this aching desire. It’s actually not something that I can trust to move myself by. This aching desire to do music is actually just a aching desire to do music but it’s not self-expression. Meaning, it won’t assist me in self-movement. Self-movement have not energy involved. There is nothing involved in self-movement at all. And this desire to make music is only fake, I mean, because when I so sit down to do music. Even if it’s beside a new computer. With a new screen. The experience of making music will not become a grand experience that is more than what I experienced it to be before. It will be a experience of the same sort as I experienced it before.
So I am actually finding myself to want to go back to the matrix, and not anymore wanting to stay here on the farm. Some part of this desire to want to go back stems from me wanting to try my own feet and move myself in the matrix. Some stems from a fear of not having anymore money. Some stems from a sense of boredom, and a sense of limitation that I feel here at the farm. I do know that I experience certain reactions here at the farm.
A thought that came up within me was a fear that came up this morning. It was in terms of me not being able to get a ticket home, or no, it was in terms of me not being able to apply for the college, and university degree that I really wanted to have when i come home. Because it’s winter. And then the fear that came up was the fear of not knowing what I was going to do with myself in that time.
There is also within my decision moving a bit of Jorns statement, in terms of feeling useless and worthless here at the farm. And feeling as if my existence is not worth anything. But my existence is only, my existence, and it’s not like I can contribute with something real.
So there are the two sides, of my decision, and I want to test myself. I want to transcend these reactions in terms of the people at the farm. So I want to stay here for six months, and at the same time I will be able to have lot’s of assistance in terms of the points that I am faced with. And the matrix won’t go away. When I come back I will be able to face myself yet again, and move myself yet again.
Another point came up now though in terms of coming home in October, and that is the point of. Will it be cool with my parents if I live with them for another three months before I go away to college. Do I really want to live with my parents for another three months before I go to college or do i want to move myself in certainty that I will be able to get into college as I get home to sweden.
In terms of my physical experience of this situation, I actually want to go home to sweden on the fiftheen, I don’t want to stay here any longer than one month.Though I wonder if the resonances are cool with that.