Coming home again

Okay,
Hello. Today I have been quite silent. I have applied breath gently. And breathed very silently, and with small breaths. Yet breaths that has filled my entire physical body. I breath from a point in my lower stomach. I only need to take very small breaths. Yet I am aware of the detail of the breath I take.

Studying my breath has brought some interessting realizations in terms of how I experience myself. Through my breath and how I breath I am able to see exactly what my experience is. Shallow and fast breaths means fear and nervousness, and attempting to hurry and express myself in a rush.

Slow and very deep breaths is supression. Where I attempt to supress a experience through breathing very deeply in and out.

Normal breathing is the coolest way to breath. It has taken a while to develop my breathing. But now it’s getting really effective. My application over all is getting very effective.

As I sat down to do music today I noticed how last time I wrote here had created a mind-fuck about my application in accordance with music. I wrote, sing in harmony with the music. That is actually a mind fuck. What is the point then within singing and expressing myself that I have been missing? The point is balance and to express myself equal and one as my body. Where I stand as my body and express myself naturally as my body. I am not attempting to force out the expression, yet I am not holding back expression. I am simply taking a breath and I blow out the words. And as I express myself this way I experience a physical comfort and easiness. So this is the new way which I through exploration have found to be real self-expression in relation to music.

And what Bernard said before. With me not yet finding the point of balance. I do think it has to do with me screaming or forcing out my voice. And not allowing my voice to come naturally. To simply be here. So that is what I am working on in relation to my music. To express myself as myself.

Today I felt very satisfied and calm within myself. I had no resistance towards doing my high-school test studying. I simply sat down to do it. I actually felt very stable and calm the entire day. And I enjoyed myself a lot.

Though some shit came up now recently as I practiced my guitar and as I sang. Some fear or shit, because I experienced this discomfort.

What I have noticed in terms of my music is that. I am like, very keen to judge my music. And I am also very keen to figure out my music. I did a piece of music a couple of days ago. And when I sang it I noticed that i had troubles to get it good. And I also started to judge parts of the music composition. And I planned in my mind to change the first part of the song to be more gentle. And soft. But when I listened to the song I realized how cool the song was and how much I enjoyed it. I am still facing the point of doing music for myself. And enjoying to do music for myself.

Speaking, and expressing myself is becoming more fluent day by day. I have actually experienced me expressing myself quite freely. It was fun and it was with my sister. I enjoyed it a lot.

Forgiveness is beginning to be understood within me. What forgiveness and letting go actually implies. Letting go of thoughts as they come up and forgiving thoughts as they come up. Forgive everything. That is the key. Forgiveness is done through breath. Through breathing and standing here in the physical and letting go of the experience within. Just letting go and letting all the imaginary shit slide away. Give no attention to it at all.

So, that is my experience of today. A slow day where nothing really came up or happened. No boredom really. No depression really. No experience at all. Time went fast and after a while the day was done. And this is the end of the day. Where I sit and write out the end of the day infront of a computer.

I always do this at the end of the day. All days seem to same to me. Before that would have been a nightmare to realize. That all fucking days are the same. But it’s true. There is nothing to live for in this reality. There is only self to live for. This reality is a pattern going round and round and round. And I understand why Bernard must have been quite bored with this reality. He is stuck in a program that goes around and around and never stops. The sun goes up and the sun goes down. Go to the job and then go home.
It’s fascinating to experience how time and room is dissepearing for everyday I apply myself. More and more I realize how much of my experience have been controlled by pictures. All this world is simply pictures placed up and then different feelings have been created to these pictures. That’s basically what everyone call life. Pictures moving in chronological order. And then one define oneself according to the pictures and the feelings that they awaken.

Lol, i dislike seeing myself on a television screen. I am always so hard on myself when I see myself in a television. Because i see all my experiences and patterns so clearly. Yep, lol, I just fucking keep writing. This stuckedness I experience is probably just something created through me wanting to write something important.
Yes, so a song release. My new song. Mine and estenis new song. And it’s like fascinating that I become embarassed over seeing myself in the computer screen and seeing how I express and move myself physically.

Lol embarassment,
Okay so writing, simply expressing me through words. It’s not difficult. It’s quite easy.

But what to write about in this world. It seems like I have like, written myself out of anything about me. It’s like already know most thing about myself and I have like already written about them. Like there is no experience anymore to write about just, well, other stuff to write about.

It’s like 15 days to I am going to school. And I am excited towards living in a new place and studying again. It’s going to be fun. Though some objects are probably going to be quite boring. Like history. Though other subjects are going to be fucking awesome. I believe to study.

I am also going to live alone which is going to be cool. And I am going to be able to practice my standing with other people. Simply living alone with no one else. It’s going to be nice to get away from my family.

Though I won’t have as much time as I had before to do shit. I really wonder how I am going to be able to get as much as I need to study for the high-school test. I am going to have to get a grade four in the people high-school to have any chance of getting in the law. And also at the same time study for the high-school test. Those two things must get highest priority. Other, so music will get third priority. I will see how much time I have.

I also want to do the course offered on the high-school test site. I am actually going to do that. I haven’t done it yet because I didn’t want to waste money. It’s just stupid and it’s pro-crastination from doing what I know is best for me.
Okay that’s it.

I don’t have anything more to write about I think. Man, such troubles to write stuff out, such troubles to find anything to write about. I do really think that I have been writing a lot from my mind before this. I never noticed how hard time I actually have to write anything down at all at paper.

I think it might be comparison towards others writings. Like Marlens writings. She always write in a coherent way, and always writes with only one subject in mind and then writes that subject to the end. Not shifting and going to other dimensions of thought but simply sticking with the initial decision as to what to write about. It might be a good idea to select a topic to write about before I begin to write so I know what I am going to focus my writing upon. Choose one point to expand upon and then working with that point only and expanding upon that point only. Because what I am fighting and facing at the moment is me not being able to find something to write about really. It feels like everything has been emptied out and thus I don’t know where to start.

So I simply start at a location and then I write about that experience, or what it is that I am opening up as specifically as possible.

And then, there comes a point when there is nothing more to write. Then I simply move on to the next point. And open up the next point. I just take the points as they come up within me. And I open up a point. I move through the point laying it out infront of me as specifically and expansive as possible. And when there is nothing more there I move on to the next point. And that way I clear dimensions after dimensions and I allow me to expand and open up one point fully without veering of into other dimensions of thought without finishing what I first started.

My video today:
Topic: Music

So in my process I have been much involved with music. It has been a theme I have been returning to. Both because I am very good at it, at least I am effective in my skill at playing guitar. And also because I enjoy to do music. I enjoy to sing and express myself in lyrics.

Though there has always been this pressure within me towards music. I have not been able to express myself with music in a relaxed and comfortable way. I have always like felt this pressure to succed and become something with my music. Which has been to become something with my music.

This desire to become something with my music has really ruined my expression within music in terms of enjoying music as a way of exploring creativity. Since I started to play guitar it had the starting point of becoming really, really fucking awesome. I remember that I took the decision because I felt like I had nothing as a skill of my own. And I wanted to develop something of my own that I could show myself to others with as who I am. And I choose guitar. And I practiced religiously. Wanting to improve myself. I decided to interact with certain people because of their ability to play instruments. I decided to be with certain people because of they play and expressed themselves within music. Back then, I had the dream already of one day succeding and becoming special. Of making it in the music industry.

I started to dress differently to be able to create myself a persona that would fit into the music industry. I practiced all of these special ways of playing only to improve my stamina, and my agility with my fingers on the guitar. I took courses on the internet. I listened to all the famous guitarists and how they played. Preparing myself to be able to play the same way. Preparing myself to be able to become something through my skill of playing guitar.

So, I have been preparing myself in my entire life to become something. And this desire to become something have been nagging me in my entire life. I think it’s because of this desire that I have picked up so many different hobbies. I wanted to find the thing that I would become awesome at doing. It wasn’t because I enjoyed it so fucking much. I just wanted to find that which would define me and which would make me awesome.
So it became music and the guitar. When I first started playing guitar. I don’t know why really. It was just something that I did because it was avaivable to me at the moment. Then I started to practice some at home. Playing certain songs that I liked very much. And then I created a band with a couple of friends. We didn’t play as much. There was no real focus in the band and nobody could really sing.

I remember I did one song that people enjoyed. I also enjoyed it. And I tried to write a song back then but I couldn’t write it. I had nothing to write about and I was very embarassed over everything I wrote. Embarassed over the way I sung also. Embarassed that I had such a tiny voice, I hadn’t entered puberty yet.

So I came to play alone with myself mostly. Not really giving it any attention.
Butt hen I came to a point in my life where I felt like I had wasted my life. I had not really done anything of worth. I hadn’t not developed any skill at all. I was quite useless at everything. I was a mediocre. Never to be noticed by anyone and then slowly rot away and die.

I didn’t want that. So I conciously decided to focus upon only one thing and give up all the rest. I came to focus on musc.

I played lot’s of fucking music. And I started to compose my first songs. I was embarassed over my first songs and I didn’t dare to sing them to anyone. I remember they where about something with rolling around in life, or something like that.
And then I remember me actually joinging a band for a short while. I didn’t enjoy that either. That was when I was really, i had become quite good at playing guitar. And ye, so I joined a couple of others. And we sang some together. And ehm, ye, I didn’t want that. I said I wanted to make a difference with my music. In reality I just wanted to get famous. I think that was why I gave that oppurtunity away. I could actually have enjoyed myself there if I had done for the sake of playing guitar and playing music and not for the sake of becoming famous and making a difference with my music.
That thing, of wanting to become something and make a difference with my music have really stuck with me. Maybe it’s way I feel like I have such a hard time enjoying my process of musical creation. Because I am so focus on the outcome and where I want to reach with my music. To give up my music to study law is the hardest thing I have done so far. Because it means giving up my desire and my dream for something that is actually real. Studying is my real talent actually, it’s what I am really fucking good at. Learning new things.

Though, anyway, so it’s time to give up this desire to make a difference with my music. Which I placed so much hope and expectation within. My dream of becoming something in this life. To make a difference, to write lyrics that would affect others, to become the new bob dylan. And yes, many things played into this particular creation of this desire.

I remember as a youngling that I event hen wanted to become big. I wanted to become a director back then. And then that was the skill which I focus upon developing. Quite aware was I also of what I was doing and why I was doing it. Developing the skills I thought I was going to need to become a big director in the future and make many new movies. I went to seminars, to get a to a place, and reach somewhere, to get into with individuals that I would be able to become famous with.

Fascinating. To become a director was my real first dream. Yet, it began innocently. I enjoyed making the first movies that I did exstensively. Running around and making schemes with small plastic figures. I enjoyed that. Then as everyone saw my movies, and I noticed that i enjoyed making these movies. I thought that I wanted to do more than just have a ordinary job. Maybe I wanted to become a movie director as I grew up.
I did many movies. It was like the only skill I came to develop as my skill. I knew how to cut movies and I knew how to make people laugh and enjoy my movies. I thought of myself as being really good in terms of making movies. In terms of cutting and creating movies.

I remember when I invented a söndraby productions. And then came a lerjevallen productions. There wasn’t so much a desire within me then to make it as a movie producer. Though when I first saw hipp, hipp, I noticed the desire within me to do also sketches like that. And have my sketches be known by everybody.
I had decided that I wanted to be a artist. I wanted to be a creative person that had a creative job. That was what I defined as being fun. To smoke weed and mess around and just go into fantasy and do things.

And I remember I used to draw many maps and invent stories also. I think I wanted to write books. But I never wrote any books. I just draw maps. I enjoyed that exstensively. I made up all kinds of stuff on these lands. Deserts, forests, names, I made up a history as what I existed between the people and how the land was constructed and what people lived in the land. And I think simon did the same thing back then , he also draw maps.

Yes, so fame has been my prime desire. What I have really wanted and what I have really attempted to become in my life. And what I have everyday had on my mind. What everyday has made my experience filled with anxiety and pressure. To move myself everyday to either maintain or create skills in relation to doing music. So to let this go and just allow me to see that music as a expression. Just like anything else is very cool. I want to have music simply as a hobby, nothing more, nothing that I am going to aim at becoming, nothing that is going to control and become my life. I want it simply as something that I do because I enjoy to be creative. Enjoy creating new melodies and enjoy singing. Nothing but that.

Okay,

Self-forgiveness:
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as courages and strong and not afraid of anything
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself and be seen as a man that isn’t afraid of fighting
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to win physical fist fights
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see myself as being strong and couragous
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a man that doesn’t back down from a conflict
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a strong and physically superior man
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become like indiana jones
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in my mind and create a superhero of myself as what i am and what i can do without considering the physical reality
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself as the physical
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be and be seen as a hard and brave and strong male
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as having a stone face, as always knowing what i am going to say and how i am going to say it
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be stronger and more directive than others
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be called by my father courageous
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be called by my father as being brave and strong
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as special by others for the way i am expressing and moving myself
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a proud and strong man that everyone is afraid of
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the leading male, and the alpha male
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the leader of a group of people
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a spritiual leader for others
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen by others as a front figure for the revolution, for a better world
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a revolutionarity and a brave man that doesn’t take shit from anyone
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel, and see myself as being in control and being above others in every situation
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as never being moved or taken by suprise by anyone
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a calm, directive, intelligent and strong male
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become stronger than my dad
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and feel guilty for having fought my dad
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashame and embarassed for having begged for forgiveness from my dad
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become more directve than my dad
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as mysterious, and as a role model for others
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a role model for others in terms of how you should express yourself, and move and direct yourself in this world
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as physically superior, and mentally superior to others
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become and be a superhero
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the man that is all-knowing and that can control and direct every situation and that always is calm and cool and have the right thing to say
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to copy pictures of males, and believe me to also must pretend and express myself as the pictures of males that i have seen
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present and express myself as the models in the commercial of dress man
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a man must express himself in a silent, controlled, serious, and stable manner
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as being controlled, stable, silent, focused, hard, determined, powerful, and superior
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to desire to become like the males i have seen in the dress man commercial
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as the world can’t touch me and that i am not able to be controlled or in any way loose towards the world
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my face, in fear of not being able to withhold the presentation of being a male such as the picture of focus, domination, superiorty, stability, control, and directness
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only express myself as the picture i have created of what a male is and how a male should express himself
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to exist as a picture
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become and be physically strong and have a physically superior body with much muscles and no fat
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have beard, and to desire to have dark short hair, and a strong big neck, and big wide shoulders
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have big muscular hands with long fingers, and hands that show that i have done physical labour
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a small yet perfectly shaped nose, perfectly symetrically shaped nose
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have wide chin bones, visible chin bones, marked chin bones, brown eyes, and a straight face, that doesn’t reveal any emotion or discomfort but simply shows a silent domination at all times
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have big and perfectly symtrical breasts, with no fat at all
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a well shaped body and a big penis and a big pouch
50. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have others looking up to me
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have others asking me for advice
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a example for others
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others are going to be jealous when they see me, and consider me as being an example of a real standing
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others are going to see me as important for the desteni cause
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others are going to want to speak and communicate with me, due to seeing me as being important for the desteni cause
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as important, and a strong and valueable person in the cause for equality in the world
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become famous and known for my videos and for my writings and for what I share on the desteni forum
58. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a front figure for desteni
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to ask me first when they feel unstable and when they need help with something
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to come to me for help when they need direction and guidance in their world
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as already finished and done with this process
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen by others are being the most stable individual in this process
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to enjoy watching my videos that i share on youtube
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to like watching the videos that i share on youtube
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are finding my videos interessting and assisting, and that i am having an impact upon how others experience themselves through the videos that i am making
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to think of me as being joyless
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are not going to enjoy my videos, or my written work or my music
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to consider and see me as joyless and lifeless
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to dislike watching me speaking and expressing myself because I have no joy
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as joyless
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a boring and predictable person
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to define me as unpredictable and a innocent and funny being to be around which you never know what is going to happen around
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and create myself according to what i heard my friends told me about me that i was unpredictable and not like everyone else
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to not be like everyone else
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be different from everyone else
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to see and think that there is something different about me in comparison to everyone else
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to find me more interessting than what they find others
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to find me being more full of life than others
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make a impact upon others
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hear from others that i am not like everyone else, but that i am special, unique and unpredictable
I am here
I am self-acceptance
I am self-love
I am self-presence
I am presence
I am stability
I am self-enjoyment
I am gentleness
I am softness
I am here