A day in the life of Viktor

Hello,

Today I have recorded music. I’ve been practicing singing in a different way. I have noticed with my voice that I have, that I used to sing in a very raspy way. And that when I sung this way my voice wasn’t in balance with the music. My voice didn’t fit together with the music. So now I have practiced to sing in a way where I am more gentle with myself as I sing. I blow the air out from my lungs more softly and with more presence, and I stand here as my physical as I do it.

It’s quite hard to do it. But it sounds a lot better than how I used to previously sing. I am still very hard on myself, or hard on the performance that I do and I only select pieces that I am very satisfied with. This particular song that I am singing at the moment is, pretty hard for my voice to handle. Many stretched out notes, and notes sung in a constant manner. Where there is not much playing around with the voice. Not much up and down.

So what have I been doing today. I have been studying. Which is quite hard. I’ve realized that I must learn some skills in order to get a good grade on the test that I am practicing towards. Especially math skills. Those math skills are specifically how to divide and how to multiplay, and how to set up. How to set numbers up to be diveded.
Other than that. I am maneging quite fine on the test front. It’s hard and I still fail. But I notice that the only thing which will make more effective is to practice. And I believe that practicing on these math questions, and tables actually increase my ability to handle information. And also assist me in clearing words. It’s challenging for me at least. And I resist doing it.

So that is what I am doing at the moment in my life. I have been going out a lot in the cyber internet also. Where I am facing various things. It’s interessting to see how deceptive some people are. And how people are beginning to show their real faces. Like Alex Parkinson. He flipped out completely. Total God-Construct possesion. And I realize that I actually was the same before. And it was not a cool experience to be trapped in god conciousness. Or control conciousness. Where all I attempted to do was to present myself a certain way to the world in words and actions. Much more satisfying to simply breath and stand here.

Today when I woke up I actually looked forward to going up. I was actually quite satisfied that a new day began and I looked forward towards going up. It suprised me that I felt that way. And I was afraid that it some kind of reaction or energy I experienced. I didn’t gave it any attention. I simply noted my experience and then I proceeded to go up and deal with my day.

I was grateful that it rained today. Because that made my quest to go out and pain the barnyard not possible. And I could focus my attention upon the matters at hand.
I’ve noticed a regular experience. At about 11ó clock I go into this tiredness and depression. It’s actually right before I am planning to do my studying. And I go feeling this depression. I don’t want to study! And I linger in my depression and I often go to bed simply to pro-crastinate the moment where I have decided to study.
But I can’t abandon my study-plans. And I am planning to study some more tonight. As well as doing my sub4sub.

So my expression of self-discipline and self-responsibility is very much going hot for me now. It’s those expressions that I have focused mostly on. It’s been quite easy for me this time to get this expressions going. Because I have been motivated, simply through wanting to be more disciplined and do more stuff. Wanting to contribute and move myself. And I am especially enjoying doing blogs every night. Selecting a topic is really fun. And then preparing myself through writing the topic is also enjoyable.
It’s quite hard to do videos in comparison to speaking. It’s a more real-life event. It’s more, in the moment, more uncertainty and shit is moving in me when I am speaking. And sometimes I go completely blank. And then I just simply continue to speak without know about where I speak, or how. But it’s interessting. Pushing the point of sharing myself in self-honest expression.

I also see my videos as me creating my library for my process. Like this is my process that I am walking which I am sharing with everyone. And it will be there in twenty years, or, it will be there for me to look at for a long period of time. And if they remove the youtube. We´ll, i’ll have to start over again. The cool point with vlogs is that it is like a reference point. Where I can see myself very clearly. It’s like a moment saved in time. And I will probably enjoy going back in about 2 years and look at how I expressed myself and how I moved myself, and how I looked at things.
It’s funny that I have lived my life up until this point in complete stagnation. And that it is only now through Desteni that I have actually begun to move myself. I mean, life should be a constant movement and exploration of self. That is what is cool about living. That you actually change, grow, become, stand, and move yourself. But that movement is not something that comes natural. Growing up in this world has nothing to do with self-movement.

So I have finally begun to live and actually change into a expression that is worthy of life. And I am very grateful for that. That I am actually doing something that is real through writing this dairy everyday. This is real self-movement. This is real self-exploration. This dairy is actually something that is really fucking sweet and awesome.

I wrote dairy before. But I never wrote as exstensively as I do now. I never wrote also with the realization that this writing is actually assisting me to live. Is actually assisting me to enjoy myself and have fun. It’s assisting me to develop insight and common sense. I didn’t see that. If I had known that back then I would have written more. But also, back then I wasn’t really, I didn’t want to improve myself, or change myself, expand myself. I was satisfied as I existed. Stuck in my little bubble of having friends and dreams.
Now I am thirsting, or I am wanting to expand myself and move myself to higher expressions of self. Not higher, but simply move myself to a expression that is even more specific and direct. So I am having fun with that.

I have written some self-forgiveness today, and I have written some, no I haven’t written some. I have not so much to speak about my day actually. Don’t know how to speak about my day or if it’s actually any meaning or point to speak about my day. I move myself everyday in terms of what I see is needed to be done. I take breaks where I look at a movie, or where I go and rest in my bed. And then I continue to move and apply myself. There is nothing else to do in this world really. But to move and apply myself.

The other option I have is to lie down and breath for the rest of my existence. I have no desire to be with friends anymore. I have no desire to watch television for endless amounts of hours. I have no lifestyle to keep up anymore. And because of this I have much time on my hands. And I can’t just sit with all this time and do nothing. And so I decide to move myself.

It seems as if people are enjoying my videos. It’s cool. Because i have enjoyed doing them. It’s the first videos I have done for myself. The first videos I have done as a reference point for me, and as a challenge for me. I haven’t really have a idea, or a projection of what my videos where going to be about. I have simply expressed who I am in these videos. And it’s fascinating to see how much I as an expression have changed. I mean so much have changed.

My word structure have changed. My way of placing words have changed. I place words much more specifically and in context to what it is that I am speaking about. I have also improved my ability to speak within the frame that is given to me. And also improved my ability to speak in a way that is understandable to the viewer. Even if this is something that I have not conciously been doing. It might have been a outflow of this expression here where I have written myself to freedom.

For the first time I am applying these tools given to me with consistency and dedication. And I am quite enjoying it. I enjoy to see me expand and move myself without there being a real effort behind my attempt to expand and move myself. It simply happens and becomes who I am.

I actually see that I want to place even more time in writing than what I am currently doing. And I want to specifically write about my understanding of the world and of the money system. I want to place the understanding of the equal money system as myself here. And I want to place my understand of how the world functions here in my own vocabulary. So that is something which I will give myself time to do. When I do notice that I have time, yet I am in one of these moments where there is nothing that I would actually want to do.

Okay so this is enough for now; Now I will continue with my preperation for a video.


Preperation for video:

Topic: Me going from wanting to convince others to realizing that I can’t change others

When I started this process I became quite frantic about the material and what was presented. And the first thing I attempted to do was to preach to my entire world and to all people in my world what it was that I had found. And the first time of applying the desteni material was very much a period of the mind.

I got it all wrong in the beginning, and I fucked myself into quite a experience of isolation and seperation due to me attempting to change my world. And attempting to change myself from the outside.

I would read something, or hear something on Desteni. And then from that I would create a perception and idea of how I must be, and how I must express myself to express myself in accordance with what I thought Desteni presented. I mean I thought that I had to be in particular ways. And man, I fucked myself a lot in terms of, ye living.

I remember I attempted to well be quiet all the time. Was one of the points that I forced myself into. Yes, I was actually quiet all the time. And the only way that I could keep myself in such a position was through believing that I would reap rewards of my discipline. I would become enlightened.

Yes that was my first idea of Desteni. That is was about enlightenment and becoming. Well experiencing something more than who I am. Becoming something more than who I am in expression and in deed. And so I pushed that point a lot.

I remember I had a work in Oslo. And I pushed me to apply self-forgiveness infront of my co-workers. I did so from a point of reaching somewhere. And I mean. I was quite fucked up in all my interactions with people. I was into this saving people thing where I wanted to be the one that guided people and that told people the right things. I wanted to be special. And so I didn’t apply the desteni material for myself as myself yet, I wasn’t quite ready yet to actually assist and support myself to live myself. I still wanted to fuck around a bit.

I applied loads of self-forgiveness, and I breathed, and I wrote. But the point of self was missing all the time. The point of me actually doing it for me. And exploring me in my own pace. Exploring what this process actually is and entails for myself. And it took me a while to get that point of realizing. But hey, I am actually doing this for myself and for nobody else. And that it’s my process and nobody elses process. And that I must do this in my own pace. And deal with the points that I see to be relevant to me, and write about the things that I see to be relevant for me.

So I spent like six months, or something like that simply fucking myself into a experience of isolation and personality. And then I came to the farm. And my reality was shattered. Because I had created this perfect personality that was really useless. Compeletly limited and controlled according to what I percieved to be right and wrong. And then I came to the farm. And everyone was like, natural and here. There was no strange thing about process. You didn’t radically change in your behaviour and in your expression through process. You where actually very much like everyone else.

And that is what I realized. That process is actually about bringing out that natural and ordinary in everyone. That which exists in everyone already. You don’t become special. You simply become yourself through process. Through writing and self-forgiveness. The point of self.

And that was what I had missed totally. The point of me. The point of self. The point of accepting myself as who I was and applying myself from the point of who I was. Not trying to create myself to become something more. But simply recognizing what I existed as and then from that point deal with myself.

So it took some timeloops, and fucking around, but now I’ve actually come to a point where I have realized the importance of self-support from a point of self. Where I have realized parts of what self-honesty entails, where I have actually lived what desteni is presenting for myself and not to get anywhere.

It took some fucking around. It took some time-loops and shitty experiences. But finally I have come to a point of stability in my application. And I am grateful for that. And I remember what Bernard said. That life as a lowest point. There is a lowest point and there you will turn around. And I have turned around and I am quite comfortable in my process at the moment. And sometimes I to my suprise actually enjoy myself quite exstensively.

Ok, Bye!

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being percieved as careless and nonchalant
2. I forgive myself that i have acceptd and allowed myself to fear others seeing me as unmature and not strong or good enough
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being criticied and judged by others as being nonchalant
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as nonchalant
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a definiton and self-judgement of myself as being non-chalant
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for writing in Lindsays channel a joke
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being nonchalant and careless of other peoples feelings when I speak and write to others
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to hurt or make others sad through being clumsy, through using certain words that will make others sad
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being non chalant towards how others feel
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not caring or looking as if i care when others experience dismay or hurt
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being percieved as nonchalant towards others suffering by others
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being percieved and seen as a caring, standing and loving man
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to potray myself as the opposite of nonchalance
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to potray myself as being a responsible and correct human-being that cares about others well-being
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear bieng seeing as a spoiled brat
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a imature child that doesn’t consider everyone else
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reaction of others
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen by others as being a evil, abusive and non chalant being towards others feelings and experiences
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing control over myself and expressing myself in a way that will make others experience themselves uncomfortable
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not caring about other peoples troubles
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that it’s non chalant to not care about other peoples troubles
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not caring more about other people
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am non chalant for not spending more time with my mother
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am non-chalant and bad for not speaking more with my mother
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am non-chalant and bad for not developing a relationship with my mother
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a disciplined and stable being that always takes the right decisions
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to be seen as the caring father figure that gives others a warm feeling when he is around
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as a man that stands by his word
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a honorable man
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a saviour
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a strong and mature man that takes decisions that is good for everyone
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being or expressing myself in a manner that is non-chalant, that is obviously according to my idea and perception of what non-chalant expression entails
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making other troubles my own troubles
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making troubles for others
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal, and feel guilty, and feel like it’s my responsibility to solve others problems, when people blame me and tell me that I am responsible for their troubles,
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a caring man, as jesus, as a loving man
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being percieved as careless and not caring or being a good being towards others
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define non-chalance as saying no when another asks me a favour
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define non-chalance as not being interessted when another is sharing is or her story
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define non-chalance as not caring or looking interessted or empathic when another shares a tragedy or a misshappening
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to be a good person
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bad person
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to want to do good deeds so that i can feel like a good person
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing bad deeds in fear of feeling like a bad person
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a saint
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to always present myself absolutely honest
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when i think that i am always presenting myself absolutely honest
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a being that always takes the right decisions that makes the experience to be the best for everyone in terms of making everyone happy
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make everyone happy and satisfied
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is my responsibility to make everyone happy and satisfied
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it i’s my responsibility to make everyone enjoy themselves and have a good time
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will become bored or not feel happy and satified around me
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will feel like it’s a waste of time to speak with me or be with me
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will feel like it’s a waste of time to interact with me and be with me
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the center of attention
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to entertain and make people enjoy themselves
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to want to be around me due to feeling happy around me
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want everyone t have a good time and be happy around me
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowd myself to feel guilty towards saying no towards others, when others have created hopes and expectations upon me to do something for them
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when others expectations and dreams are not fullfilled by me
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, and like i am doing something wrong when I am not willing to do what others ask me to do
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, and feel like I am bad and like I am doing something wrong when I do not do the things that people ask of me to do
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that it’s bad to say no
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am ruining anothers day through saying no
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i can ruin anothers day
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when being blamed for ruining anothers day
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make everyones day perfect
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress, hide and hold myself back to satisfy and make people happy
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make others happy at the expense of me
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself and my experience of me
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become unable to say no when others ask me to do things, thinking that it’s wrong to say no and that it’s not appropriate to say no, because if i say no i will create massive troubles for others
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating massive troubles for others
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can create massive troubles for others
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am using this self-forgiveness as a method of justifying myself to do evil acts in the future where i only consider myself
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will become evil and do evil acts and not consider others
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will become ashamed of myself and sent to hell or be deleted when i die
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being removed from existing as a self-aware individual
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear abusing others
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear abusing others by mistake
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear hurting others
I am here
I allow myself to breath and express myself unconditionally in the moment without holding back, supressing myself, or thinking, i express myself as here as all as one as equal. As the silence that is me as breath.
I am here. I am not polarity. I am not friction. I am not duality. I am one. I am equal. I am here. As breath. As the physical. I let go of my mind and allow myself to be here.
It is done.