Die another day

Today as I woke up I was really tired and dead. And I had infront of me a day of studying. And also being with my mom and painting the house. And so I went to bed again after going up.

I went up to do sub4sub and then I went to bed. My plan was to read some lecturing material but I feel asleep. I am quite, I experience, or I allow anger within me when I read these school books. I get angry because I don’t, I can’t comprehend what I am reading. It’s like fascinating, I can’t understand what it is that I am reading. So I figured that, the reason that I do not understand what it is that I am reading is because I have not developed a vocabulary of the words that are used in the book. And so to develop my vocabulary I simply read the book with no intention to understand. And it seem to be working. I simply read the words with no desire to understand them. And I notice that the words are beginning to take form in my vocabulary. And sometimes as I read a text I am actually able to comprehend everything.

I also got angry today when I made music. Not angry, more frustrated. I got stuck when I recorded. And I couldn’t record the song correctly on the beat. And I drove myself insane. Though I did record the piece. Then I decided that it’s enough music for today and I yet again focused upon my studies.

That is what i’ve been doing today. Reading, studying, painting, and making music. I attempt, I try to move myself as disciplined as I can. Everyday. I have a certain amount of actions that I undertake. I am the only one of my friends that lives like this. With such a discipline dedicated in specific actions. Or, I think I am the only one. I do feel like I have lost my life a little bit. My life as a personality that is. A life as a personality that acts and lives and exists in certain patterns of behaviour.

So that is my experience of me this day. A bit lost. Not wanting to focus or discipline myself to move myself. I do find it a little bit boring to do the same things day in and day out. And I am looking for something more I feel sometimes. But there is nothing more. And so i become dissatisfied with life in general. Life has I defined life to be is really empty. That is my experience of me and moving around here with myself at the moment. That it’s quite empty. I know that this is probably, or I believe that this is probably a addiction. A energy addiction that I am no longer feeding. And so I am stuck in feeling pointless, and purposeless. And I am stuck in this limitation. That is actually what I experience. A sense of limitation. A sense of being very limited in this body, being here, in terms of what I can do. What I can dedicate my day towards. I mean there are certain actions that repeat over and over again, day in and day out. This reality is really a prison reality with only a few things that are here to fool people into believing that it’s fucking great.

Those things are love, and sex. That’s basically it. Without those things this reality and all that is within this reality is just pointless repetition all the time. I have come to experience this more and more since I quite smoking. And since I don’t anymore have anyway of physically entertaining myself. Before I used to do it with weed. Then it became nicotin. Now it’s nothing but coffe, and it’s not satisfying at all. So I am feeling dissatisfied.

What was cool though, when I woke up. Was that I didn’ experience any particular resistance towards waking up. I felt quite cool. Like there was really no experience at all within me towards waking up. So I just went up and started to apply myself. The same actions as yesterday, the same actions today, and the same actions tomorrow. The pattern called the physical is cycling, going around and around.

When silence became a more regular experience within self. One starts to realize how there is really nothing that is changing. But pictures. Pictures, flavours and physical sensations are changing. But who I am never change. And so one starts to question why the fuck this reality does even exist. What is the point with it if it’s just pictures.

Okay. I’ve been feeling stable today in breath. I experience still many reactions. But I mean, they are decreasing.

Today Anna wrote to me on youtube. I got a sting of feeling energy and later I had thoughts considering going to a agreement with her again. It would be cool. Though I question if I really want to go into a agreement from the perspective of supporting another. At the moment what I want is sex. That would be why I go into a agreement. To be able to have sex. Because sex is the point that is re-occuring within me all the time. And I figured that giving me sex, placing me in a position where sex isn’t something unusual while finally dampen this urge within me. Because it is quite hectic.
So I considered having a agreement with Anna again. I saw that it would not be practical, because we don’t live close to each-other. We live in different countries and we will not be able to meet each-other often. Though, that is the only con I saw. Pro with being with Anna is that I will be able to have sex, that I will be able to share myself with another, that I would be able to be physically intimate with another. Simply physical and not sex. Those are the pros of a agreement. And also, enjoyment. Enjoying oneself in physical self-expression with another. Which might actually encompass everything of what I said before. Also support is cool.

I am having quite a lot of shit coming up towards my mother. Mostly anger. I haven’t stopped it. The thoughts are still moving in me and I notice it is affecting my tonality, voice, and my behaviour. And I notice it’s like a constant experience of anger within me towards me my mother. When she calls my name, and I answer, and she calls my name again I get pissed of. And when she asks me to do something in a, submissive way I get pissed of.

Though I do enjoy myself with my mother at moments. And I can speak with her more effortlessly than before. I can also speak with her just for the sake of speaking. Enjoying myself with my mother. I couldn’t do that before. I simply stay physical and breath and have patience with myself and I work through all of these reactions slowly but surely.

When I speak I often get blank, it’s the same when I am writing. I enter a moment of blankness. It might be because I am speaking from my mind. I don’t know. I don’t know indicates that I do know but I don’t want to realize that I do know. So, I am not sure that I am speaking from my mind when I do my videos. But my experience of speaking in my videos do differ from my experience of speaking regulary. Though i enjoy to do my videos.

I sometimes find it very hard to find something to speak about. And I find it very hard to dare to say anything. Because it’s like I am afraid that all my words will come out falsely through my mouth. I am afraid of sharing my experiences.
But I am pushing through. And at the moment when I speak I just breath and speak and I have no thoughts in my head at all. I feels strange to speak that way. It feels, while all that I experience when I speak is uncertainty. And there is no real expression with my face or hands coming through. Maybe there shouldn’t be anything as such coming through.

Videos has been a point that I before gave attention. But I didn’t do it for myself. I did it for attention. And because of that I never gave attention to the subjects that I spoke about. And I never prepared myself by writing about what I was going to speak about. I do feel like this writing and then speaking is me preparing myself to live and stand as the living word. And be able to assist others. Because I feel like I am integrating the words into a living expression. Into a living statement as I am speaking the minfront of the camera. Though these written words have as much importance to me as the words I speak. I notice that there is really no difference from the words I write than from the words that I speak. They are one and the same.
So that is why it’s cool to write before I make a video. So I create a foundation for me to stand upon when I make my video. That i can return to when I experience myself uncertain and unstable.

The blankness that comes up in relation to writing is me attempting to write from my mind. I have, I do believe, written mostly from my mind this entire process. And that is, that might be why I experience this discomfort when I write. Because I challenge myself to push self-expression into the living. Because sitting here and writing I have no choice but to express myself. And there is a clear difference between expressing myself as life and expressing myself as mind. Me expressing me as life is a flow and there is no effort involved.

It’s actually fun to express me as life because it’s a living exploration. I explore myself as the words and I stand as the words. They come and I can write myself into living, simply through playing with words. And defining what is real and what is not real. And what life is and what life is not.
Writing from my mind is a experience of constriction and stuckedness. Where I attempt to place information. Where I do place information instead of being a living expression here. And being a living expression here, I have not yet understood how to access this point. At some times I experience my writing as a flow and as a uncovering of myself as insights and realizations. And other times I experience my writing as the placing of memories and information that is nothing but memories and information. So this is why writing is assisting me so much. Because through writing I assist me to realize who i am as self-expression, and what I am not as the mind.

Preperation for video:

Topic: My experience of attempting to escape from myself
When I grew up I realized that my life would be pointless and meaningless. That is how I pictured my future life to be. Nothing but what my parents experienced. A life of family, a life of working a job until you one day died and dissepeared.
I didn’t want that in my life. I didn’t want to grow up at all. And I found several ways to escape from myself.

One of these ways to escape was weed. I smoked with first when I was 18 and I did so until I was 21. I smoked heavily. It was my solution to how I experienced myself at that time. It was my solution to the world. Because what really made me want to smoke was my seeing of how the world functioned and what was awaiting for me in this world. There is was nothing for me in this world. I didn’t want to be anything in particular in this world, and I didn’t want to do anything in particular in this world.
So I created dreams and fantasies of what I wanted to do. I created dreams of a life that was better than the life I had. And my dream became the dream of being a musician. The dream of living a life full of adventure and no ordanariness at all.
I applied to become a divemaster and I travelled to Thailand to find enjoyment. To find some form of happyness and a place where everything, where I didn’t feel pushed down by this system. Because that was one of the things that bothered me very much, that this system, that everything existed around fear and the desire to survive. I wanted to get away from that and find some place where I could, where I didn’t need to bother about anything and where I could just live and express myself.
Obviously, I realized when I came to thailand, that thailand was as fucked as europé. That the entire world was fucked into this money making machine where there was no time to actually live, because all time was given to making money.

I stopped smoking weed at that point, and I started to practice meditation. As another route of escapism. From myself. From my experience of pointlessness and depression. I found no purpose, and no point at all in living. And I felt dead all the time.
Then I found Desteni. And in one moment my life forever changed. In one moment I became glued to the screen of the young girl speaking. I watched video after video, I read article after article, I was completely lost in this knowledge that was presented. Everything simply, was true, or true is not the word, everything was giving me this feeling of home. Like I was for the first time seeing myself, seeing something of substance and reality.

Man I was so possesed by those videos. So fascinated. I applied myself, at first from a starting point of enlightenment. But as the time went on I went through time-loop after time-loop and suddenly I started to apply myself from a perspective of myself as here as breath. As who I am as natural self-expression.

Finding Desteni lead me to realize that this life is indeed pointless, and that what must be done is to stop this system. Because this system, which I am a part of, is what makes this world dead and is what kills people.
Back then I had already given up my life to a certain exctenct, I had already become so fed up with myself and my life that was one big pattern of repetetive actions. That I simply could not stay anymore. I didn’t want to stay in the safety of my friends. Never expanding my world, never expanding beyond the usual actions that my friends participated within every Friday. I just wanted to get away from everything. And I took the decision to not walk the same path as my friends but walk my own path. And I choose to walk into what I feared the most. And what I feared was to be alone. And so I choose to travel into aloneness.

And then I found Desteni.

So I went from not doing anything for myself. From
Okay, so doing the video will be how have desteni changed my life.
1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear neglecting
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a self-judgement of myself as being neglective
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for painting sloppy, and think that i am being neglective
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being caring or intimate enough with people
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am neglective with sunette
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am neglective with my mother
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being caring enough and loving enough towards people
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the self-judgement of myself as being negcletive and not caring and sharing towards poeple
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to believe that i must be in a particular way towards people to be good
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be in a special way towards people
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear neglecting with people say to me or tell me
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain people in my life as being neglective, and within this judgement, actually judge myself
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to balance out this judgement of myself through presenting myself as caring and throrough
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my past as sloppy and bad
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not considering and taking care of other properly and that i am through that hurting and neglecting others
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear negletcting what others wish of me in the belief that it’s bad to say no and not agree upon what others tell me to do
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of being seen as negletive and uninteressted
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will feel neglected around me
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people won’t feel properly attended and given attention around me
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear ignoring people
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge truls as being neglective and bad when he doesn’t listen to my mother
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted na dallowed myself to judge my sister as being neglective and bad when she doesn’t listen to my mother
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to judge my sister as being negligient for wanting to move to stockholm not considering that there are not many appartments there
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are not looking as if they are listening intently when others speak as being negligient
25. I forgive myself hta ti have accepted and allowed myself to fear being percieved as negligient
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being percieved as egoistic
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to want to see myself as the opposite of negligient and as a good and responsible human being
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my brother and sister and mother as being immature
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged and seen as negligient by sunette when i leave the chat
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as careless
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to be angry at me and tell me that i don’t care and that i don’t look as if i care enough
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to see and place me as being cocky and arrogant
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being called arrogant
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as arrogant
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish to see myself as being the opposite of arrogant, as being good and empathic
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to view myself as empathic and caring
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anyone is going to call my arrogant
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are right when they call me arrogant
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can be arrogant
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that arrogance exists
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see myself as resilient and strong
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as not being able to be touched and moved by anything
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give the world a picture of me as total strenght as the word of resiliance
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fight my physicality, and prove to others and show to others that i am resilient and strong and what i am not weak
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show others that i am resilient
46. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allwoed myself to desire to show to others that i can psuh my physicality beyond anyone else, that i can push myself into pain without giving up, in desire to show that i am strong and that i am reslilient
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to prove to others that i can push myself beyond anything and that i am better than everyone else in terms of proving that i can stand as self-discipline
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as resilient and strong
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show and present myself as risilient and strong
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as having no faults, as having no so called mistakes
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as being physically superior, and physically not able to loose my stoicness
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as resilitient and not movable by any physical experience
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to prove to others that i can’t be weak in term of becoming tired physically, or being like everyone else
54. I forgive myselft hat i ha e accepted and allowed myself to desire to prove that i am more effective than others in relation to moving my physical body
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to prove to others that my physicality is better than others
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a physicality that is superior to others
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel strong, and show my muscles towards others
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show to others how fast and agile I am physically
59. I forgive myself tha ti have accepted adn allowed myself to desire to show others that i am resilient and not easy tired physically
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s weak to become tired
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s weak to express how i experience myself physically
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to supress myself as my physical experience of me through wanting to present myself as resilient and not weak
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have superior agility and vitality
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to compete with others in terms of how fit my body is in comparison to others
65. I forgive myslef hta ti have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my body
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show myself towards others as being strong and not affected by my enviroment in anyway because i am reslilient
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show towards others that i can’t be moved or affected
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show towards others that i am superior physically and that my body is in better condition than what others are
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to win when i play with others in games
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show my phsical proveess
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show that i am fast, that i am strong, that i am vital and filled with movement
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show that i am able to kick hard and hit hard
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show to others that i am not weak and that i am able to go into a figth and win
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in a fist fight
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being resilient due to my expression in the fotball arena where I always won the close battles due to me being able to place my physicality in a stable way
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my as more resilient and stronger than others and draw a feeling of superiorty from this comparison
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself towards others in terms of my physicality and define and see me as being more resilient and stable than others and in this feel superior and better than others
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to draw value and worth from me feeling like i am more fit than others and more capable of expressing myself in a way that others can’t do
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel cool by the way i tackle
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel physically resilient in comparison to others
I am here on enad equal as my physical.
I am not more than others, I am not less than others, I am here as all as one as equal as the physical. I don’t compete with others. Because others are me. And thus competition is not possible
I realize competition only exist as the mind in seperation. I as who i am as all as one as equal can’t compete because I can’t compete against myself. I am one and I am here.
I am not defined according to my human physical body and the expression of my human physical body. I express me here as my human physical body in breath. And I don’t define or compare myself or feel in anyway superior to others depending on how I am expressing myself as my human physical body in the moment.
It is done