Hello

Hello,

Today I’ve been enjoying people quite a lot. Especially my father. I have faced lot’s of shit. Much fear and resistance and unconcious bullshit, but I realize that I am a lot more stable than before.

Today I cleaned my room. And I have stuided for the high-school test. The high school test is going to be interessting to study towards and then finally do. I have resistance towards doing it, but actually, when I sit down to do it. I quite enjoy it. And it’s helping me to improve my math skills, my reading skills, my studying skills.

I enjoy to take a specific action and focus upon that specific action until I know into perfection. That is what I am doing with the high-school test score. But also with my writing. And my self-forgiveness. And SRA and my music. I am really allowing myself to explore myself within these expressions now.

I managed to get a computer from my dad that is really, fucking awesome. It just opened up. And I noticed that my father wanted to support me and my music. Cool. I became really excited when I heard that I could get it, like shit fuck excited, lol, I love getting new stuff. Even though I know it’s the mind I couldn’t stop it. The energy just blew me away.
My experience of self is that of being quite a lot in apathy. Quite a lot in the feeling of, there is nothing to do in this reality and this life. And I have realized that there is truly nothing to do in this reality and in this life. It’s like everything that there is to do is just some distraction from what I actually experience here. And all my ideas and wants as to what I can do, is really just a hope within me for a cooler experience of myself than what I have here at the moment. So it’s all just wanting to run away from myself.
And I have noticed desires for cigarettes and sex coming up today again.
The sex desire is really hectic. And today as I sat on the bus, and my friends sister came on the bus I wanted to go sit beside her and chat and speak with her. I didn’t do it. I told myself it wasn’t in that moment to do it because she was reading a book. And I didn’t want to intrude on her. Really, it was cowardness that made me not go sit beside her and speak with her. And when we got of the bus she started a conversation with me. And then it was suddenly cool for me to interact. I got to be more brave and direct myself in more bravery. I don’t want to isolate myself.
Really, my purpose of wanting to interact more with girls is sex. Sex has become this major thing for me. Maybe it has always been this major thing for me. I desire to experience sex. I desire a agreement. Okay, this point I don’t want to write about again today.

I have not been able to let go of this point of sex and agreements. It has followed me for a long time. And I actually feel capable of being in a agreement, and capable of sharing myself as how I experience myself with another in a agreement. Capable of sharing my expression with another. It’s something I really do want to try again now when I am a lot mores table than what I was before.

Today two children came into my life again. Man children are so cool, but they are really fucking shy and afraid of everything. Programmed into the mind as limitation as self-definition.
I looked at a TV show today. It was the nanny who teached parents how to deal with their children. It was fascinating. All the children where doing was to disobey what the parents told them to do. Then the parents would freak out and do everything in their power to do what they wanted their children to do. I would have just left the children to do what they wanted to do.
But those parents didn’t, and mean, created all this shit like time out and stuff like that. Where the children after having done something bad where forced to sit in a couch for a while and not do anything.
They where throwing tantrums the kids, and the parents tried to stop them. Fueling the tantrums. I would simply have breathed through it and realized that it’s not my point. I can’t stop anothers point. I can assist another to transcend. But I can’t transcend for another.
Parents are really assholes towards their kids. Like they own their kids and have the right to design and do with their kid as they want to. It’s not strange that most adults ends up complete fucked up. I am quite glad I am over the state of child-hood, and that I have developed some common sense. And I will not do the same mistakes that my parents did. Which was, to act in reaction. And not stand here as breath and act as life as all as one as equal.
No polarity.
The family unit is really a fucked up thing. People potray it as something that has to do with love. But there is no love in the family unit. Only feelings and emotions. There is no intimacy in the family unit. Only control and manipulation.
I saw a mother on the train the other day shouting at her son because she wanted her sons hair to stay in a specific way. God, what the fuck is wrong with people. Why can’t they accept their children as the beings that they are. Why must they plague their children to become pictures that are apperantly acceptable an
d nice to others.
It’s really fucked up, most adults are fucked up.

Today I met a adult which I had interessting experiences with. He had a interessting way of speaking. He spoke in such a way as forcing me to agree with him. That was my experience of the man. Where he spoke in statements that where as clear as ice. And then like looking at me. But obviously it was my fear conflict that made me compromise myself with this man. And made me go into fear and answer in fear.

But it was interessting to speak with him and see my response patterns. For example when he asked me what I was going to do. And I said study law. And he said oh that is good. And I was like, I don’t know. It was a reaction of fear and hiding. And not a physical expression here of myself.

I can’t blame anything of my experience on another. It’s all my creation. That is also the fantastic thing about it. Because that means I have full access to stopping the fuck up at anytime. I can stop myself at anytime.
Okay, so that is cool with my writing, now I am going to pick a point to do a video about. And what comes up is. My experience at the farm.

So writing a little bit about this point to open it up.
I enjoyed myself at the farm like I always do. Coming back to the matrix I realize how different the farm is from the rest of the world. And how simply being there makes you more effective in your application. How you become more physical and grounded simply through being with other people that are walking their processes. How you become more direct and stop compromising on many points simply through walking with others that are physical.

Coming home I realize how much shit the world is in. And how fucked up most people are. I want to stay on the farm and live on the farm for the rest of my life. But I realize that my path is not on the farm. But my path is here in sweden. It’s here that I must walk my process completely alone but with support from others obviously.

I like the dogs at the farm, and the horses. The farm is a physical place. Where people are physical. Where people speak in a different way. There are no hidden agendas on the farm. It’s only the physical that is here and here and here, and there is no more than that.

When I was on the farm this time I realized that it’s always about me and who I am. And that this is what determines my experience and the experience of those in my life and my world. And that changing my exterior is not possible, I can only change my interior. But my interior and exterior are one and the same. I express here, and my reality flows as me.

Being at the farm is very supportive and a very cool experience. It’s not special about it at all. It’s simply a farm where you will experience yourself exactly the same as you did back home. But there is actually a difference. And that is the people. And those people have a resonant effect on you. They influence you even though you don’t think they do. And soon you will speak and move differently. Speak and move as the physical with no preperation as thought. That is actually what I noticed most particulary, that I spoke and acted without hesistation after being on the farm for a few weeks. It was just instant action and speaking.

At the farm I also see self-acceptance. Everyone is at differant stages in the processes. Yet no one is reacting, or judging anothers process. All experiences that everyone have does not get talked about in a negative manner. People see how others experience themselvces but there is no judgement or superiorty within that. Not even a reaction or a fluctation. It’s simply a seeing.

And it’s cool to see how people change and open up and realize that they can enjoy themselves as they come to the farm. That is what I realized this time that I was there. That I could actually enjoy myself and have fun with myself. And that getting up in the morning was pretty cool. And that expressing myself was pretty cool. Simply because everyone else was enjoying themselves, to move themselves and express themselves.

I did truly enjoy to be on the farm. The experience is that of grounding yourself and becoming more physical. And becoming more pure and direct within your experience. You actually start to enjoy the physical and feel that you are becoming more alive. More here as the physical. It’s fascinating how easy this process is. It’s to simply remain here in every breath as the physical and amalgamate yourself here.