Here I am

Another day,
I have physically worked today. As I woke up I didn’t want to participate in working. I was silently angry at my mom. But I breathed and did what my mother asked me to do. I do some work for her that she asks me to do. I don’t want to bind up my entire day to do the things she asks of me. So I will do some of the things she asks of me. Work one or two hours everyday in helping her. The rest of the time I dedicate to my process and the process of others. Which is much more important. My mother will have to take responsibility for the position she have placed herself in in terms of this huge farm. Which is to big for one person to be able to handle alone.

I have had many thoughts today rushing inside my mind. I have practiced breath in every moment and I have noticed many fluctuations within me. How I go during my days from positive to negative, from negative to positive. And the thoughts within me change. And the experience within me change. I breath as that is all I can do. And then as the night falls and day goes to night I write out all my experiences and i let go.

I sold my drums today. I sold them very cheap. I didn’t realize that I sold them very cheap. I realized it after a lot of people called me and where interessted in buying my drums. I started to have thoughts of regret, and also fear, of loosing my money and making a bad buissness deal. I saw the stupidity of my reactions and I breathed and completed the deal and got my drums out of here.

My mom confirmed my pre-programming later through asking me what price I had bought my drums for, and what price I had sold my drums for. Confirming the belief and idea that buying should be done by less than selling. There must be profit, or equality, else it is bad. I saw through that delusion and I simply breathed.

I have been stable today around people. Stable around horses also. I enjoyed myself around the horses. I had great fun seeing them becoming curious, and wondering what I was doing. It felt like they enjoyed my presence to. And they came to stand close to me as I banged in the spikes. I had a cool moment with one horse. Where I bent down infront of the horse, and then the horse tickled me in my nick with his lips. It was fun. He didn’t bite me. I thought he was going to bite me but he never did. He, or she was very gentle with me. And sort of saw that I was enjoying myself a lot, and kind of tickled me.

I have also been bathing today. It’s nice to bath. At the moment I feel like I have been out in the sun to much today. I feel burned and rashed all over my skin. It’s not nice. I don’t like when my skin is dry. I don’t like when I go to sleep and my skin is dry and uncomfortable and my bed isn’t nice to lie down at.

Alex Parkinson have entered a mind-possesion. I saw that there was something fucked up with his words. I wrote about it. When I saw others falling for his deception I began to doubt myself, but I still knew what he was doing. It was interessting to see how fast I began to doubt myself when another joined the deception. Obviously the doubt is a emotion and is corrected through not participating in this emotion.

I wasn’t influenced, much, I was influenced, but I managed to not go into the deception and supress myself. I still expressed myself as what I saw in Alex Parkinson. And what I experienced in Alex Parkinsons words.

I have been thinking about the music I am going to do with Esteni. It gives me worry. I want to do this music fast and record it fast but I don’t feel as if I have any time to do this at the moment. Actually I do have time at the moment but I experience a lot of resistance towards sitting down with my guitar and perfecting the song and the lyrics.

I am going to sit down to do this song. And I will give myself time to record it tomorrow, and write in the lyrics in the computer. I also worry about Esteni and what Esten ido thing. Simply stop participation in worry. Do not participate. Breath. I am getting quite sick of seeing myself writing out these experiences and thoughts, as if I am helpless and not able to direct myself. It’s not fun to write myself out in a non self-directive way. Like looking at my words. What is the point? I want to direct myself here to stop the bullshit. When I see what it is that I am doing. Why not simply stop?

And if I can’t stop then assist me through self-forgiveness. Specifying the point through writing does also help. In bringing up all the thoughts and subtle movements connected to the point.

Okay, so I will practice the song tonight if I get time. I don’t want to practice it to late because everyone will go to bed. And I want to watch a movie before I practice the song. I have no rush.

I just came up with the idea of creating a seperate blog where I share my lyrics, that way I will always have my lyrics in a easy to reach way on the internet. And I won’t loose my lyrics. I will defenietly consider this. I can use the blogs that I have already created. Or obviously create another one specifically for this purpose.
The vlogs that I am doing are flowing quite fine, I experience quite a lot of resistance when I speak. And I don’t feel certain in my words. It’s like I am waiting for something to come up when I speak. But nothing really comes into my head. And so I must breath and simply push the words out. Because they just won’t come naturally. I do not seem to be a natural speaker. And a natural sharer. I seem to be programmed to not be able to share my own experiences.

And when I share, I have also noticed the fear moving within me of sharing the experience incorrectly. Or, sharing my experience in a way that will show me to others as being deceptive.

What is cool is that I am a lot mores table as I do my vlogs now than when I did my vlogs before. At the moment I do my vlogs for me. I don’t do them for anyone else. If anyone else finds them interessting and assisting that is cool. But the main reason for doing them is the same reason as with writing. Simply to assist and support me to stabilize myself here.

There was a angry man calling to me today. Or he became angry when I informed him that I didn’t have what he expected and wanted me to have. I didn’t react much. I had some reactions. And after the phone call I noticed how I became angry and frustrated. And my thoughts became destructive and harmful. I saw my experience but I didn’t feel like I could change. I didn’t feel like I effectively stopped myself. I felt like I was still allowing this anger and these thoughts, and as if I still took what he told me personally.

Afterwards I had some experience going through me. And I wondered if I supressed or if I didn’t supress my experience. Then I let go and I continued with my day. I have become much better at letting go and living in breath instead of going back to past mistakes. I have realized that I can’t fix past mistakes. I can only live. That is my nature to live. I must only live my nature and not fuck with myself through living in the mind.

Preperation for Video:
Topic: My experience with breath

So I am going to do a video about my experience with breath. And how breath have assisted and supported me in my process. But also how I have come to rely to much on breath as my single and only tool of support. There are more tools of support to are as valuable as breath.
At the moment when I started process I started to practice my breathing. It was hard back then to remain here and stop the thoughts coming up in breath. And it is actually as hard now. It’s a constant practice.

What I have learned through practicing breath in every moment is that self-expression is here as breath. Self-expression exist when there is only breath here and there is no thought, or emotion moving. I have also learned that you can through breathing, and focusing your attention upon breath and the physical sensations that you experience walk through thoughts, emotions and feelings without being influenced.
This is what I call transcendence. When I breath through a reaction without in anyway being influenced physically. But remaining constant as self-expression here in every breath.

With breathing I have come to experience my physical body. I have come to experience my muscles, my feets, my hands, all parts of my physical body. And I have come to see how I exist physically with other human-beings. This was hidden to me before. Before I only existed as a thought inside my head and I didn’t know how I as the physical experienced myself. But through observing me as the physical I have come to realize a lot about myself and about who I actually am.

It’s the very small things that I have observed about myself. A finger twitching, a eye twitching, a tension in my buttock, a tension in my muscles. All the fine details of myself that I wasn’t aware of before because I was to caught up in the mind.
Through breathing I have also realized that I can’t fall. I can’t fall into the abyss of the mind if I remain here as breath. No matter what I experience I can always remain, and have my sanity still here through breathing. In every breath I can confirm myself here as the physical no matter what I am going through. And It’s a fantastic tool. Something that I have enjoyed a lot to apply and perfect.

My breath has changed since I began applying myself as breath. At the start of breathing in awareness I breathed heavily and in a very constricted manner. All my focus upon 1,2,3,4, counting as I breathed. But as I came to live breath more and more. Everyday, always remaining here as breath I came to develop my breathing to a deep, slow breathing. A very comfortable and relaxed way of breathing.

Breathing is really a cool tool, and something all human should learn to be aware of. It assists so much in daily application. To not fall into unnessecary experiences of the mind but to remain here as the physical. And simply move, and walk.

Okay, enjoy

Self-forgiveness:
Word: Aerobic

1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to look slim and fit
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to arouse women with how my body looks
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have much muscles so that women are going to want to have sex with me
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel cool, and strong, and manly when i don’t have a shirt
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel cool and strong to have such a body that i have
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that women are going to go crazy over the body that i have
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel secure and confident because my body is presented in the way it is presented
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to impress upon people with how my body is looking
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to not have any excess fat
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have visible stomach muscles
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have blood veins
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to look like the men presented in magazines with muscles very much visible, and with a huge body with no fat
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a object of desire to women
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that women are going to become aroused when they sleep in the same bed as me
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused and feel good because of how smooth my skin is on my body
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be sexy to the world
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted anda llowed myself to desire to get attention when i walk on the bech because of my body is built and my muscles are placed
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that women are going to appreciate me and want to be around me and define and see me as being popular due to how i am built physically
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect feelings to my body
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a man of success and value and importance in this world due to how my body is shaped
21. I forive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a succesful and important man that always has much things to do and thus is very important
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be on the television and show others my sucess and my perfect life
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others are going to feel inferior to me and less than me, and desire to be just like me
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to project a image of myself in this world as being perfect and having everything under control
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a image and, a man of perfection and sucess
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that women are going to mate with me because of the image i am presenting myself to be to the world
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen and valued as a succesful and important and profitable man
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make a profit on my looks
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to desire to be hired as a model, or become famous due to how i look
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my eye brows and my blond hair, and think that my blond hair and my black eye brows will surely buy me a place of importance in this world
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as being popular and more than those that do not look as i do
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as being the elit and better than others due to how i look
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that women are going to see me as profitable and desire to e with me due to how my body is shaped and my skin feels and how my face is shaped
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to come to define myself as being a good looking body
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist only as a picture
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a suit, and a porfolio, and perfect looking clothes, and a perfect body
37. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like i am owning everything, like i am truly the best, truly the most individual, and truly the most good looking when i have the correct shoes, and the correct clothing
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to clothing and my body
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look down upon my body and define mysefl as either being good looking or bad looking
40. I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a successful lawyer, with a succesful life, and good looking wife and children
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a picture of success
42. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowedmyself to desire to be photographed by magazined and interviewed by magazined and placed in magazines and rated as being the most good looking man in the world
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be desired for my looks
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make a impact when i walk into a room filled with people
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that women are going to find interest in me and look at me and think about me and give me attention
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others males are going to feel inferior and feel jealous of me and how i am presenting myself
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be dashing
48. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be as jack in lost
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that women and girls are going to speak about me and my looks in secret
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make aname of myself
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be spoken about and generate an interest about myself
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get attention
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to find me interessting and fascinating and give me attention
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want fame and attention from others
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be placed as the most important of everyone
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get profit in terms of making a name of myself in terms of showing myself to the world as a picture of success and perfection
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a picture of perfection and success in the eyes of others
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to wear a suit and make much money and do decisions that other are jealousy at me for doing because i made a profit’
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have many things to do all the time and many projects at the go, to feel as if I am a man that things are happening for
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a happening man
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define and see myself as puny and less than others
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel puny and insignificant in relation to others
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel puny and insignificant in relation to this world
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel puny and less and to attempt to balance this experience within me, try to become famous
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must attempt to become and be seen in the eyes of others to not feel puny and less than others
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am born puny and that i must struggle in this life to make something out of myself
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel puny in relation to others and feel like i am always worse, or doing worse than what others are doing
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel puny in school when i grew up
69. I forgive myself that i have acepted and allowed myself to feel puny due to my physicialty developing later than those of the others
70. I forgive myself hta ti have accepted and allowed myself to feel puny due to the fact that i didn’t enter puberty at the same time as others
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself ot feel puny in relation to others because others where stronger physically than me in school
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to balance this experienc eout through always winning, always getting the most attention and always being the best
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as puny or being called puny
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to tkae pride in having a big intellect and easy to learn in school because i feel like this is making up for my physical punyness
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my physicality
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am puny
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be smarter than others, to want to feel smarter than others, to balance out my experience of feeling less capable than others physically
78. I forgive myself hta ti have accepted and allowed myself to feel puny towards others physically
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare my physicality towards others
80. I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to accept myself and stand here one and equal as my physical
I am here
I am self-acceptance
I realize that i am not puny. I realize that punyness and feeling insignificant is but emotions of the mind and not really who i am. I realize that I do not need to balance myself out and that I am good enough, that I am perfect as I am here as breath as life as all as one as equal.
I am not the picture of my body. I don’t compare my body to the bodies of others. II don’t compare my physicality to the physicality of others. I am satisfied with my body. I accept my body as it is and I allow myself to enjoy myself as my body. I am not in a competition with others. I don’t care how I look or how others percieve. I allow myself to enjoy mysefl unconditionally.
It is done