Here,Here,Here

Okay, I am thinking about having a break from my usual duties today and simply drop what I usually do today and focus upon something else. Like lying down or not doing anything at all or recording music.
I enjoy what Sunette said about taking one day every week and then on that day not doing anything at all as to see if your possesed by what you do. I am going to take this day and do that for myself. But for future reference. That day will be a Sunday. That will be my relaxing and writing day.
Interessting that Anna wrote about agreements also today. And what I thought I saw within her as being this determination to stand up and support herself before going into a agreement again was actually there. The same day as I have written about the same point. And the same point has come up within me. To go into a agreement with another.
I see that I will have to wait with this agreement for now. It has not opened up yet. I must wait for Anna to stabilize. Because it is Anna that I am at the moment considering to go into a agreement with. I haven’t told her yet. There is no need to tell her at the moment. She will know if she reads this. I will let this decision be here for a while so I can see if I really want this. And also clear a couple of points that has come up in relation to this decision. And then when I have waited for a while I will move myself. I want to stabilize myself even more before I go into a agreement again. I want to have my writing and my self-forgiveness being specific and to the point. And I want to expand on my application of breathing and simply transcend some more of my resonant possesion points. That are fucking with me.
My last time I was in a agreement I didn’t make decisions for myself. It is something that I have recently started to do. Also looking at the points as the come up within me to see if they actually have relevancy or not. Writing is the tool which I assist myself with in terms of taking decisions. And with Anna, and a agreement in general I see that it’s best to wait. And clear some of these desire points and arousal points for good.
The last times I have gone into relationships it has been fun in the beginning. Yet, I have been very dishonest when I have gone into relationships before this. At least this is how I see it as I look back. I constructed a very nice personality when I wanted to get into a women. When I wanted to create a relationship with a women. And I laughed and I smiled and I joked. And that was my recipy to get to be with a women. I didn’t dare to be myself. And I have actually no knowledge, and no idea of how to manifest a agreement with someone without going into this relationship personality.
A agreement is more simple than a relationship. A agreement is something that is agreed upon by two parties. It’s a specific set amount of principles, it’s a rational discussion about what self want to experience and what self do not want to experience. And then it’s a walking together towards manifesting this experience that self want. In terms of everything.
What do I want to experience in communication? In sex? In taking responsibility?
It’s also a walking in full commitment to another. Where one say. I will be a part of your life and assist and support you to walk your life. I won’t simply leave you when I feel for it. I have made a decision to walk with you as I have made a decision to walk with myself. It’s not a decision that is based upon energy. I have made this decision from a understanding, and from a realization of what it is that I want to give myself towards.
That is how a agreement is created. It’s stipulated through specific words. It’s also created from the principle of equality. Where I am responsible for what I experience. And you are responsible for what you experience. We won’t allow ourselves to become pissed of, or judge, or create secrets. We will everyday move ourselves in self-support to stop that part of ourselves that shouldn’t be here.
And that is a agreement. A walking together. That is done through a mutual understanding.
I did consider the point of walking with another that has no understanding or knowledge of desteni. A walking with such a person would be interessting. Challenging. Different. It would be interessting to see how such a agreement would develop. Even though I mostly know how it would develop. It would depend entirely upon the women I select to have a agreement with. What kind of standing she already has within herself. And what kind of life-experiences she has gone through.
In this world everyone tries to run away from themselves. Everyone want something outside of themselves. And relationship is that thing which everyone wants because everyone believes that there is no fulfillment and completion and peace outside of this. It’s not so. I have realized. And I am seeing more for everyday that there is more than relationships and entertainment. There is a experience of fulfillment and peace and completion. And as I let go of the past as ideas accumulated in my skin I realize the enjoyment and simplicity of being here.
Before I wanted to have weed everyday, I wanted to go to friends everyday. Everyday I wanted something new to happen. Yet, whatever happened I wasn’t satisfied. I didn’t enjoy myself.
The only place I found where I could relax, or let go of my troubles was with weed. It ended like that. Weed was my only solution to what I experienced. It was so nice to be able to feel grounded and earthed as I smoked weed. It was so nice to speak. Though what I notice with weed is the presence is lost from here. Thoughts start to move fast, and fast, and soon you are lost. And moving as a reaction. Where there is no life but only thoughts.
I used to enjoy speaking with people a lot. And playing video games. And then I got home the next day and I felt satisfied. I needed to be with friends to be able to let go of my anxiety and my feeling, of feeling like I must do something or complete something.
This feeling of me needing to do something is still here to a certain exctenct. It has shifted it’s focus. But I still experience this need to do certain things.
Today I have spent by the computer. I have been writing a lot. I wrote about Anna and I did self-forgiveness that will assist me. I have also checked facebook, sub4sub, and worked with my SRA. And that is what I have been doing today.
I have been silent today. Except for some instances.
One thought patterns that I noticed much today was guilt and self-judgement. It comes up as a emotion and it’s connected to several events. I notice how I go into this self-judgement. I usually stop what I am doing. And I look away at some direction. Then I breath and I get myself back here to yet again do what I am doing.
I notice that I still consider guilt and self-judgement to be true experiences. True thoughts and I still define myself according to these experiences. Still think when the self-judgement comes up that I am this self-judgement. And when the guilt comes up that I am this guilt.
I have also wondered when these experiences come up how I should relate to these experiences. Because I have realized that simply breathing through it, does that really help? Apperantly not. Because at my visit at the farm I was consistent within breath. Yet I managed to create many supressions. And many times I supress what I experienced and didn’t recognize since several days later. And those thoughts and experiences had manifested shit in me. A supression, which I when I spoke it out noticed how much weight was lifted from my shoulders.
So that is why, I, when guilt and self-judgement comes up do not stop my experiences immedietly and discard it as unreal. Because I am thinking that this experience might have some validity. And that I might not disregard it completely. What is fascinating though is that, at the moment of impact so to speak, when the thoughts hit my brain. What choice do I have? What can i do more than breath and let go? Then only think I can do in such a moment except breathing and letting go is to think. And what does thinking help? Does wondering is useless. I rather breath and let go and later deal with any experience through self-forgiveness and writing. Those are my tools that I use to support myself. When I don’t have access to the tools my objective is to stay out of the mind as much as possible. Which is accomplished through breathing.
Guilt was a experience I went into a lot before. I noticed that as I looked upon my writings of the old me. I had some periods in my life as I stopped smoking marijauana where I went into intense periods of self-judgement and guilt. There was one period when I was going to Barcelona with Mattias. And something happened, something went down, I don’t know specifically what, but I remember me feeling guilty and telling myself to never let down another.
The same thing went down with my diving instructors course. Where I missed a lesson. That was at the time when I still smoked marijuana. And I remember I went into intense self-judgement and guilt for that. And also fear. Because I felt like I had really lost it, and that everything I did was just going downhill. And that everything I was doing was only to waste money and not uphold promises.
Then I have the memory of me sitting with my parents discussing my weed addiction. And my parents where crying. And I where wishing the drug councilour to be dead. And then after that I kind of stopped smoking weed.
I remember the day after that drug council meeting. That I was kind of down. And some of my dreams had been taken away. One of the dream was to live in a small cottage out in the forest and smoke weed the entire day. And what my parents and the drug councilar told me was that. If you don’t smoke weed you will never excell at anything. But in reverse.
That was their one thing they had to tell me. That I would still be with the same friends and do the same things if I continued to smoke weed. Quite stupid, how could they know what I was going to do and not do only upon the fact that I was smoking weed.
I don’t know why I went there that day. And confronted my parents. Probably because I wanted to rebell and really fuck up my parents. And show that I was strong and I was standing by my belief and idea that this was life. Then I gave everything up and conformed. Because I didn’t want to loose my security with my parents. I didn’t want to loose my relationship with my parents. I have confined myself a lot through wanting, depending upon my parents to support me. When I could have easily supported myself. And moved out from home and taken some risks. I am going to take more risks and this time I am moving out for good. And I´ll find some other place to stay, don’t know where I am going to place all my stuff. I will figure something out. Maybe I can rent a appartment somewhere in some city during the summer. And then when the winter comes I apply for university and I get my student appartment. The best thing would be to get to norway and get myself some labour.
Anyway, so guilt. Those are my experiences of guilt. It has also been stupid stuff during my life that I have felt guilty for. Like not playing, or being good enough at ice-hockey. Or not doing good enough at a test-score. Or breaking my mothers favorite wase. I remember when I did that. And i ran away and I hid, and then my mother came. And I was like, oh god what have I done. And my mother looked at my like. Son, you have broken my heart because you broke this stuff. God, it was only because my mother thought that the memory was so important. The memory of her mother. And I felt guilty because she told me how much it meant to her, but I didn’t listen and I still played my ball inside. Looking at it now, my mother could have moved the got damn vase.
And, I have also felt guilty for upsetting Jerry, and making Jerry angry at me. There was some period in our friendship when Jerry and I had a fight about something. I don’t remember what it was. But it lead to me and jerry not speaking for a couple of months. Being with Jerry was fucked up in that way. That when I didn’t hold promises or did what he told me, I was questioned afterwards as to why. It was strange when our relationship suddenly changed. And jerry began with these long chats about stupid shit. And I was like. What the fuck is going on here. It changed in a moment. And a part of me felt pretty cool that I finally got raised to a position of being very important to someone. And it was like strange how Jerry wanted me to tell him that I liked him.
Long, long chats about bullshit. Yet I remained friends with Jerry even though, yes maybe I told him that I didn’t liked him or something like that and that he could fuck off and that I didn’t care about him. Might have been that. In a telephone call. When he called me up, yes I think it was that. I was quite satisfied with it. And I didn’t care much about it. And then suddenly we where friends again. And i entered the period of smoking weed. Which came to dominate my life for a long time.
I have lived a pretty hectic life. Many periods of different friends. I always struggled to get into my friends. And be friends with my friends. I didn’t feel like I could connect with my friends. I didn’t feel like I was ever accepted by my friends. Like I was ever placed in this containment of being my friends friends, I always had to fight for it I felt like. Fight to be respected, and fight to be a part of something. It wasn’t something that I enjoyed.
That was what took up my life back then. It was playing computer and then going to friends for short visists. Those visits where based in anxiety. And I didn’t enjoy myself as I did those visits. I went to my friends. Stayed there. Looked at a movie or something. Experienced myself generally bored. And then I drove home again on my motorbike. It was some shit from my mother probably, where my mother told me that i had to have friends and do fun shit.
Man, i remember this shit I did once with Lisa. I was like following Lisa for an entire night. Wanting her to be my date. And I was not alone. And well, it was like I didn’t exist to Lisa. I was just her puppy from which she got attention. So I said, this is fucking bullshit and I stopped seeing Lisa.
So with friends, it has not been a pleasant journey. I have attempted to have as many friends as possible. And be as liked by as many as possible. I was jealous at Sebastian for having the ability to become friends with everyone. I hated him for that. He could just decide upon what he wanted and then he got what he wanted. That was the case when he decided he was going to be in a relationship with Ida. He decided upon it and then hed id it. He always succeded with everything. He was like the perfect man in everything. He was the one I considered to be the most perfect being in school. Someone that had everything he wanted. Everyone liked him. He had a girlfriend. And everyone thought he was attractive.
I was fighting to become like that and earn the same reputition and attention. But I never reached to a point where I felt like I had really made it to such a position. I was always dopey, stupid, and inferior to others. Always the one sitting at the back in each class.
So these last years I have fucking gived up everything like that. And my parents is really the last thing I am holding on to. I must stand up from this shit and direct myself alone in the matrix. And trust myself to direct myself in the matrix. And do so until, well, yes, just fucking direct myself in the matrix. That is what I am going to do. As I leave from this house I will see to it that I will be able to direct myself without my parents. I will plan my life to work out for me.
I notice I want to rely on friends. I want to have friends support me and house me. That is the plan I am going towards in my mind. And I fear actually supporting myself and taking a decision to make money myself. And to get my own appartment. To rent my own appartment. And to look for a job and really get a job.
But I see that this is what I must do. I must accomplish to stand by my own in the matrix and not fall on to dependency on anyone else. I must be the mover of myself in the city.
I had a big pain in my knee as I wrote this. Maybe because I realized how fun it can be to move myself out in the matrix by myself. And learn how this world works and learn everything by myself. And now my knee is fucking burning up. Yes, interessting to take a decision that will force me to take decision and learn about how shit works in this world. Like, rent, and earning money. First hand experience of this shitty world is what I am going to get.
And I don’t have so much fear of anything really. I don’t fear fucking up completely. I don’t fear ending up on the streets. I don’t fear selling everything I have. I don’t fear starvation. I don’t fear the cold. I am going to enjoy myself in moving me in the matrix.