I have no secrets

Okay, so,
I am sitting down to write about my day. This day I woke up and I realized I was the physical. I woke up after my intended six hours of sleep. I have fucking trouble not sleeping more than six hours. I don’t want to go up when I wake up. It’s the initial terror of going up. Being out of bed and walking around in the icy cold. It’s fucking horrible. Butt hen as soon as I get warm it’s pretty cool. And I enjoy walking around. I enjoy especially when I am done with the horses. And I can eat my breakfast. Take my coffe and go and write or something. That is my favorite part of the day.

So today I pushed myself into the physical And I have started to realize that no one of my experiences are really real. But all go away when I allow me to become the physical. I haven’t before simply become the physical. Now I really apply it. It’s like I put all my attention on my hands, my finger tips, my feets, my body, the breath is not as prominent as I do this. Though I am still aware of my breath. But more of the body in it’s entirety. And as I walk like this any experience that come up can’t possess me. I am just walking as who I am. Here. And nothing moves me.

Though I am still having reactions. Lol, the same shitty reactions. I am still working on them. 80 forgiveness lines everyday, and consistent writing. And yes, self-application. And I trust that I will be able to transcend this experience within some years. Lol, I don’t hold great hopes for me. I take it slow and work consistently with one point until I truly got it. And I don’t really have a desire anymore to make it. It’s like process have more become who I am. I am process. I am self-movement. I am writing. It’s not something I do anymore. There is no reason for writing. There is no reason for self-forgiveness. It’s who I am. I stand as the statement of getting this done. Which is very cool.

It’s coo to hear me speak. I can really see how I have changed when I speak. It’s like a totally other being is speaking. Other words. It’s just cool to see me expressing myself with people. Today I had one of those expressive day’s. And I pushed myself to transcend my lazyness shit. Or my laughter uncomfort. Through when the experience came up. I didn’t feed it. I simply stayed here as the presence of me. As my body. As my breath. And as I did so I realized. That shit I am making this experience real.

I was building with Fidelis and Gian today. It was pretty cool. I enjoyed it. There was a lot of shit to build and my body get’s really tired after a while. I also had a lot of reactions with Jorn. Lot’s of thoughts. Have been so for a couple of day’s. I don’t hold anything against Jorn. I know that the bullshit is mine. It’s interessting that the thoughts come up specifically with Jorn. Going in all directions.

It was interessting that i was able to be quite stable today as I played guitar with Esteni. And even though there where many people around me I managed to be stable and calm. Quite that is. I still had experiences going on but I was much mores table physically. It was like the experiences didn’t take me over. I was still present here as the entierity of myself as my physical body. And I could still move and express myself.

I also realized the unconditionality of the physical. And that if I stand one and equal to the physical I become this unconditionality. There is no need to react or go into shit. The physical is here at all times. I can whenever I experience a reaction and feel like I have nowhere to turn. Realize that support is here. The physical is here. And so I just stand here as the physical until the experience pass. It’s very cool. And it makes me realize how many reactions are unnessecary. Because I just make them real through not being aware of the physical.

I had gotdamn thousands of thoughts today about buyng a new computer. It was crazy. Though my perspective towards the thoughts had changed. Before I saw them as my thoughts. Now I simply saw them as thoughts that came up over and over again. It was about my music. About buying a new computer. About doing a album. Shit about my music. And how I was going to create my music. What instruments I was going to use for my music.
It’s like the mind want’s to plan everything. And always wants a clear plan, a clear definition to follow. And when there isn’t existing such a plan or definition the mind go insane and doesn’t know how to deal. This is what i’ve faced in my music. I always want to brand myself. Want to have like, thinking that this is what i am going to stick with. This is how I am going to make my music. I am going to make it all the same in this specific way. And I want to make them all the same because it gives me a nice feeling of being organized and perfect.

With desteni is cool because they don’t stick to that at all. They work with what they have here. And they don’t care at all about the quality of things. They just do it and try new stuff all the time without really judging anything they have done before. They use what they got before. I am more of this type that I want everything to be perfect and sound perfect. But I can never get it as perfect or good as I want to get it. And so I stay unsatisfied. And in limitation. Because I never act, or take the decision I want to take. Because I feel like i am not ready yet. Like I am not good enough yet, or like my music isn’t good enough yet.

So this Imac thing and buying a new computer has been driving my crazy. It’s been coming up several times for several different reasons. I don’t know what it is that drives this desire. Might be the desire to become famous. The desire to do great music and be recognized for my music. I don’t really know. I am actually considering buying a imac but I am a little afraid of doing it with my saved money that my mother have given me and my father. A little afraid that they are going to notice what i am doing and confront me saying that i shouldn’t waste their money. And also I don’t want to be wasteful and have two computers. And use one only for music. Maybe what I am after is money. What I am after is fame. As I desire to do the perfect fucking music that will become enjoyed and fancies by everyone. With my new shiny computer. I really would not like to buy anything more but just work with what I have and expand my practical skills instead. My practical skills of writing songs, of composing songs, of playing instruments, and shit like that. And waste my time on that shit instead of buying new crap. And instead enjoy music. Playing music.

Writing texts. Really, it’s not the music that is fancied. Like how cool and good it is recorded. If it was so then all these lame musicians everywhere would have gotten so much, I would have enjoyed them so much. But I don’t. I rather dislike their music actually. So it’s about the presence in music. It’s about the presence in the lyrics. It’s all about presence and standing within the music. And it’s a cool physical expression to have fun with. I want a rythm instrument. Then I have all instruments to be able to record a full song, with all kinds of instruments. It sounds good in my head, but I doubt it will sound as good when I reallyd o it. That’s the funny thing with the mind. It imagines things at being so bloody good and fine. And then when the stuff is actually done it’s not at all as it was presented in the mind. And then there is dissepointment. And the mind doesn’t know how to handle itself. What the fuck is going on?

And the desire to buy a imac is suddenly gone. And replaced with the desire to buy a bongod rum. Suddenly a feeling within me came up. That my base doesn’t with my accoustic guitar. And that I should have a accoustic base instead. As it would fit better. God, so much shit. I am so tired of all the shit going on and all reasons and all ideas and all shit. Though completely accoustic music is cool.

Okay, so my desire to buy stuff is what is currently my main point. Now I want to buy a accoustic base. And in my mind I am already starting plan for how I am going to proceed with my music. What it is that I am going to do with my music.

I have also proceeded to worry that my musc won’t be good enough. That I won’t be able to succesfully make music without a drum kit. I am having a picture infront of me of doing music with other artists. Like inviting people to play with me and recording them. Inviting people with other kinds of instruments. Like violin and shit like that. And recording them.

And so I have the dream now of selling my electric base, and buying a accoustic base. And making my music fully accoustic. I don’t know where this is coming from. But i like this idea. I like the idea of making my music alive in that sense. Of only having hand-played instruments. It could be cool. It’s going to be one of the things that I focus upon when I get home, to sell some shit that I don’t need anymore. Like my drum-kit, and like, yes only my drum kit infact. That’s the only thing that, oh yes and my electric base, those are the two things that I do not want to have anymore. And instead I set up a lot of cool instruments that I can play with and have fun with. Like bongod rums, guitar, accoustic base, like making my entire style of recording being only accoustic instruments. And I had a desire to be a banjo, to buy a little small guitar, that I don’t remember what it’s called. Anyway. It’s this desire coming up again. And I follow it every time. Because it’s a desire for a better future. It’s a desire to consume. It’s a desire to have new things. There isn’t anymore to say about it really. It’s just a desire to own stuff. Specific stuff.

It must look in a specific way. Because I noticed that as I looked upon the base that I was thinking about buying. I sensed within me a little dissepointment, thinking, oh god, that base doesn’t look good at all. I must have a better one. And then I looked at a more expensive base. Fascinating how the mind works in colours and pictures. And howm through desinging, wanting certain pictures in my life. I believe that my expeirence of me will become more positive. The mind is really a funny machine.

I want to get all of these dreams out of me and onto paper. Because they are really not cool to have inside. They bring about a nice feeling. And I feel cool as I dream, project and look forward to the future planning to aquire my next thing. But I know that i am making myself stuck. Because i know that this future that is being projected inside me isn’t really real. It’s a illusion. And not really, real. It’s created out of pictures and motivated through feelings. A picture without a energetic resonance is only a picture. There must be a energetic resonance to enhance the picture. Else I wouldn’t be lured into it. Look at it. Considering it. Staying in this experience of fluffy emotions. Of this total conviction within me that I truly need what it is that I am thinking about. I need this new instrument. I need this new drum. Without these things I won’t be able to do what I want to do. And that is how the mind functions.

This idea that I truly must have and need to have these instruments for me to be able to do music. It’s quite ridicolous. It’s also a belief within me that if I havet hese instruments. Then my experience of me will change. I will change within having these instruments. I will feel happier. I will feel more satisfied with myself. I will feel more at ease with myself. I will be able to make better music. My music will be more appreciated by others. Lord, quite a network of thoughts connected to this desire.

So interessting to write this desire out. I almost feel calm now. As when I get this desire. It’s like my whole world is collapsing. And I feel like I must have this one thing I am thinking about for my life to be able to continue. And if I don’t get this one thing I am thinking about. Then my whole fucking world will crash. That’s how i experience it when I get one of those things on my brain. The buying thing or the doing thing. It’s either something I must do or something that I must buy. Something must be done in my world. I must get something. Something isn’t good enough as it is.

And I must get something or do something for me to be able to get to the standard that I am thinking I must get to before I can continue. And that is how I experience it.
In terms of this idea with accoustic music. What is driving this idea. Is my desire for recognition. My desire to have others fancy my music. It would be cool to buy these instruments if it was from a starting point of self-exploration. And I see that there is such a point within me. A point of self-exploration. In particular to bongod rums. But there is greed also. And there is this belief moving within me that I must have all this shit as all of these instruments to be able to make acceptable music. There is the want and desire to do acceptable music from a starting point of others.

From wanting to satisfy and be recognized by others.
Lot’s of thoughts circulating. The imac thoughts have been exchanged by buying base thoughts. And there has also been thoughts moving within me about how much I am going to record when I come home. And how I am going to make my videos when I come home. I want to make my music a self-expression. I want to make my music a point of unconditional self-expression. Where I express and enjoy me without any man, women or child on my thought. Nothing but me here. Expressing and exploring me through instruments.

I notice I desire to buy a shit-load of different instruments now. All kinds of them. That is actually something I see as being more worthy to waste money on than a new computer. A new instrument is a more physically challenging thing. A new instrument is something assists me in self-presence. Though I don’t want to buy a new instrument simply to get a new sound in my song. And I don’t want to aquire all kinds of instruments just to have all kinds of different instruments.

I am now thinking about exchanging my court base towards a bongod rum. Already have I produced imaginary sounds in my head of how the combination between my guitar and bongo drum would sound. I also had the desire come up to have a ukelele and play with that in my songs. A strong urge to make a song
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to desire to be recnognized for my music
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to desire to buy new musical equipment
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i wil become happier if i buy new musical equipment
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i will enjoy myself more if i buy more musical equipment
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted tom buying things
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted towards having new things
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted towards being able to buy new stuff
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become excited wehn i buy new stuff
9. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to become a shopaholic
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to having lot’s of instruments
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted towards having a guitar base
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a bngo drum
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that my music will become better if I have more instruments
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that my music willb ecome more liked if i have more instruments
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become a success on internet
16. I forgive mysefl that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to beomce famous on internet
17. I forgive myself that i have accepte dan dallowed myself to desire to become the most listened to and admired musician on internet
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that everyone likes me on internet
19. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to desire that my music will sounds like jack johnsons music
20. I forgive mysefl that i have accepted an dallowed myself to desire that my music sounds professional
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that my music sounds cool
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to release my own album and make money in my music
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become rich and famous
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have my own studio
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to desire to be given credit and recognition for the music i do
26. I forgive myself that i have accepte dand allowed myself to think about the future al the time
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think about money and stuff i am going to buy all the time
28. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to exist in inner conflict always trying to find out if i am going to buy something or not
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having sufficient money to buy something
30. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted an dallowed myself to fear that my music will sound to plain if i don’t buy a new instrument
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my music will sound boring
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are going to become bored with my music and not listen to my music
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will dislike hearing only a guitar
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people dislike the way my voice sounds
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear laughing
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear offending others when i laugh
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other will feel offended and uncomfortable when i laugh
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to fear that others are going to become angry at me when i laugh
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear laughing at the wrong moment
40. I forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to fear making another angry and frustrated when i laugh
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear laughing in fear that another will become angry at me and yell at me
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable laughing when everyone ins’t laughing with me
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feaer laughing sarcastically
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to dislike me when i laugh
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to fear that people are going to be mad at me if i laugh
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are not enjoying me but becoming angry at me when i laugh
47. I forgive myself tha ti hav eaccepted an dallowed myself to supress and hold myself back with people thinking tha tia m not worthy of expressing myself
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to feel uncomfortable with people
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with people
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to fear speaking and communicating with people
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear cerise
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear jorn
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking past jorn or being around jron
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards jron
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something towards jorn that will make jorn angry at me
56. I forgive myself thati have accepted and alloewd myself to become angry whne jorn gives me a order
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become uncomfortable when i am speaking with jorn
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable towards being with jorn blaming jorn for how i expeirence myself
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist being close to jron
60. I forgive myself that i have accepte dan dallowed myself to fear being close to jron
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted na dallowed myself to feel uncomfortable and react when jorn is giving me tips on the guitar
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted na dallowed myself to fear how i am going to act or express myself when jorn is giving me tips on the guitar
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to attempt to be nice and do as jorn asks me to do in fear of being rude
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rude and cut people off
65. I forgive mysefl that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not listening to people or saying to people that i don’t want to do it that way
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making statements
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying that i want something
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i must satisfy everyones request towards me
69. I forgive myself that i have accepte dand allowed myself to believe that i must do as everyone tells me to do
70. I forgive myself hta ti have accepted an dallowed myself to think that i must be nice and do as jorn tells me because he was nice and gave me a tip
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped when speaking with jron
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled when speaking with jorn
73. I forgivve myself that i have accepte dan dallowed myself to fear being with and being around jron
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking with jron
75. I forgive myself that i have accepte dand allowed myself to feel trapped when i speak with jorn
76. I forgive myself that i have accpeted an dallowed myself to feel constricted when i speak with jorn
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to feel held back when i speak with jron
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being direct and clear and here when i speak with jron
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like i must be noce and listen to people and speak with people politely
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be polite in fear of being seein as rude