My day

The end of days is here. At the end of the day. A cool way to express myself.
So today I have been mostly sitting infront of my computer. I have been re-installing my computer specifically towards what I am going to use it for to get the most of my computer. Quite what I am doing in my entire life. Structuring and placing my time in my life specifically as what will assist me to develop the nessecary skills I need to make a impact on this world.

Today I meet my father again. Strange enough I was quite a lot in fear as I met him. I breathed and just remained here during the entire experience of meeting him. I find being around him quite uncomfortable and threating. And it seems to me that he is searching some kind of conflict with me. Searching to overpower me or find weak-spots in me. It’s fucking strange. Though in self-honesty there is no weak-spots. Because there is nothing to hide and nothing to defend.

So I’ve taken it upon me to simply breath when my father speaks with me and not go into my mind. But I answer all the questions here in breath without creating a experience. And I mean it’s not hard. And the questions to which I react towards only reveals points towards which I still hold a desire for a outcome.

The reason i’ve had troubles to speak with my parents before has been because I have wanted a outcome with them. Obviously it becomes hard to speak and express myself then because I must all the time be in my mind and thinking of what I can say that might make me the winner of the situation. Here in breath there is no winning and there is no loosing. There is simply self-expression. And I do still get caught up in my fathers games. I mean, I seem to be energetically programmed to react to my father. But I am getting to a point of self-direction within me where I can express myself without being influenced by what is around me.

The amount of fear within me is absurd. I don’t know where the fuck this fear is coming from. It might be Bernard that activated it as I was in south africa. That was like the first thing that came up as I noticed all the fear with my father welling up.
So, I’ve met my siblings also. I’ve met my entire family. There is no self-expression here as there is on the farm. On the farm it’s like heaven on earth with expression all the time. No energetic shit going on. Here there is only energetic shit going on. I do not find myself laughing and playing around as much here. And I don’t find myself wanting to be with anyone in particular. Though I do find myself wanting to smoke badly all the time. Yesterday also. But I simply can’t do it. It’s like a promise that I have given to myself that I just can’t break. I can’t give up on this point within myself. It would be something I can’t forgive.

So being with my family again brings up a fascinating amount of shit. Just fear, fear, fear. And I hear my breath through everything. But it’s unconcious fears that are dug into my skin. I don’t know why the fuck it is there. I mean, it’s my fucking resonance. Because me as the being I have no fear. I have kind of seperated myself from the fear. It’s like I see myself as outside the fear, as I know that I am not the fear. And when the fear comes up I just stand. Focus on breath.

I have focus upon living self-discipline in terms of moving myself in discipline. Doing specific things that I must do to get my reality working for me. I enjoy it. I am getting quite a flow in this application and I am getting to see what it is that I must focus on and what it is that I must not focus on.

Reading, writing, self-forgiveness, music, studying, making vlogs. Oh god, and smoking. But fuck smoking. It’s just a desire, a physical desire. I won’t give in to the shit.

By being back in the matrix I realize the pointlesness of existence. There is really no point at all to existence and this experience of a matrix. There is no purpose at all for this existence. I am getting to a point where I can almost say like Bernard. I don’t want to fucking live ever again. Because this is not living. This is confinement and limitation.

My writing, well, in one month I am going to go study. It will be enjoying to see what is going to open up in my reality in terms of that.

I realized that my decision to study in lund was based upon my desire to be close to my parents. And my want to have a exist in terms of being able to run to my parents if something goes wrong in my life. I know why I limited myself to lund. So when I get into law school, which I will because I am determined and very focus upon this point. I will not limit me to only Lund, even though it’s quite nice to have contacts here in lund. I will look at the practicality of the situation. That is always the best way to deal with anything that comes up.

In terms of friends and relationships. I am going to go visit Jerry soon, I have decided that. And I will see what kind of experience this will be. Jerry and me have had quite a long story together, and I enjoyed being with that guy. We used to smoke marijauna and talk to long into the night. And we used to play fifa together, in the same team. It was very fun.

I am going to meet up with all my friends and simply communicate with them and be with them. Breath with them and relax and not do anything special other than that.
My music with Esteni is something that I am going to focus myself upon tomorrow, and also getting my mail to work and my internet. And also studying, and reading on the internet. I really can do anything on the internet.

I am also going to do a video tonight about something and post it. I don’t know about what really. My experience of coming home to the matrix. I have found it hard to find something to speak about to the camera. I have found it hard to speak about realizations and stuff like that. When looking into the camera there is nothing coming up really. And then I start speaking from nothing actually, simply forcing the words out not having any idea really of where i am going. And sometimes I get to that point where I just don’t know what to say, or how to direct myself. And I get stuck. And then I begin to bladder, and then I think that my session is fucked and start again. This time doing videos I am only going to have one take no matter how fucked it becomes. And how to choose a subject, I just choose one and then I speak about that subject.

I can choose, my experience of being on the farm. Or my decision of studying to become a lawyer.

Yes, I am going to speak of my decision to become a lawyer. I have already written a lot about that. I took the decision to become a lawyer because I see it is a point through which I can place myself in a position in the matrix to where I can make a effective change. It’s a position high up, and in such a position I will be granted power and I will be seen by others.

I will have impact in such a position and I won’t be isolated. I will be placed in a position of respect and through being in a position of respect people will value my words, and listen to me. If I am not in a position of respect I will be ignored and seen as crazy. But as a valued man. There is how I will be able to get through.
So I use the system to my own advantage. I become the symbol of power that people are programmed to obey. Only to assist the people to stop obeying and start standing up. I use the system to get myself into a position where the pre-program will assist my agenda in bringing equality to this world.

It was very nice to take the decision to study to law, because it gave me a feeling of peace. Because I knew what I was going to do in this world now. I knew how I was going to direct myself. And I already knew that I was quite effective in studying. So I knew that I would be able to pull this off. And I looked forward to it, I wanted to do it to proove to myself that I can give myself direction and then I can follow my own directions no matter what. I can live and act through my own words.

I didn’t see lawyer as my profession to be in this world at all. Lawyer i never wanted to be. My father told me that I should be a lawyer. I really didn’t want to have any profession in this world. I found all professions and all lines of expressions, jobs, in this world to be repetitive and pointless. Even the things I really enjoyed such as music became destroyed in this world as a expression of enjoyment. Because you had to do it again, and again and again to earn your money. Music was the only thing I found enjoyable, that I could see myself to earn money on. And all other but that just didn’t give me a thrill at all.

But as I have walked this process my dedication to myself as equality as life have grown. And I have seen that my profession must stand, must be within the principle that I live. And so I gave up my desire to be a musician, and I simply decided to go for law and not want anything at all. Simply direct myself and then see what comes my way.

Though I am still doing music on my free-time, but it’s not in the purpose of earning money. It’s just a hobby and something that I enjoy to do. It’s also something that brings attention and gets to be seen on the web. So it hits two flies on a smash.
So that is why I choose to study law, both because it’s adventure. It’s a path less travelled. I mean, it’s not in my pre-programming to study law. I would never have done that. So it’s like a, oh okay, I give up my life and I walk this process fully and let’s see where it takes me. Like I am walking in this world within this principle. Not really caring about what I experience or go through. As have no desire to really be or do anything in particular.

So I will probably differ from the other people at law school all in it for money and success. I won’t be influenced by that at all. I will simply be there as a observer and a participator within the specific principle that i have established myself to walk within. It will be fun to be in the system but not of the system. And i’ll see how it turns out.