Past relationships

So,
Some new developments in terms of a agreement with Anna. As I read annas response, and she said she might not want a agreement. I suprised myself with realizing that I had no really reaction towards that. It was interessting. I don’t want to rush into anything. I want to wait and prepare myself to enter a agreement through writing. And in writing I will script the vocabulary that I want to live.
Though what did come up is some shit, some supressed fear in relation to others reading my blog. What came up was, a fear of people seeing the shit I have written in my blog. I can be very direct and open with what I think and how I experience myself. And I fear that I sometimes might have, actually shown people who I am as my innermost desires, wishes and thoughts. And I feared that I through showing and exposing this part of me. I would not anymore be able to be trusted by others.
So it’s interessting that it actually had the opposite effect. As I shared myself in writings in terms of my plans, ideas and dreams, what came up was Anna seeing my blog-post. And also having the same ideas. Fascinating. A agreement with Anna again. This time a agreement that is going to last. I am going to push myself. That is if a agreement is actually going to be. It is a possibility.
What I must push up until the point of the agreement is the point of sexuality. That is a point that I want to clear up to support myself as I enter the possible agreement. Because as it is now the desire many times possess me to the point where I experience pain in my penis. So there is memories and shit messing with me that I am going to bring up.
I also want to focus upon seeing and writing about my old relationships. To see who I was in these relationships. What my thoughts where. What I felt towards others. How I experienced myself. And how I expressed myself.
I will begin with this at this moment:
My first relationship was with Emma, that was my first as what I want to call serious relationship that I thought was going to last for quite a while. It didn’t last for quite a while. Emma thought that I wasn’t expressing enough feelings. It might be that I at that point was a very physical being and didn’t feel any need to express anything.
I felt like it was a enjoyable relationship. But it turned out that it wasn’t as Emma decided to break up with me.
I had some heavy emotional experiences with Emma in relation to sex. Where I got rejected from having sex by Emma. And from that point on I didn’t dare to ask Emma the same question again regarding sex because I feared becoming rejected. I also felt embarassed being naked and in the same bed as Emma. Kind of exposed, and in such a position becoming rejected by Emma.
So that is the first memory that I am going to work with in self-forgiveness.
Rejected by Emma
Other than that the relationship flowed quite nicely. I enjoyed lying in the same bed as Emma and just kissing Emma. And also dry-humping Emma. I had many fears concerning how to approach Emma. How to speak with Emma about sex. And all in all. My general experience of nakedness and sex was that of uncomfort. And that of feeling like it was forbidden to talk about.
So I didn’t speak about it. I don’t remember me and Emma speaking much at all. But I remember that I liked to be in the same bed as her. I remember that I wanted her to stay over many times, but I didn’t have the courage to ask her to stay over. And so we slept naked together for the first time. I remember taking of Emma her underpants, and in that moment realizing that I was naked in the bed with another girl. And that I actually could have sex.
It was like a great moment for me that i had been waiting for. The great sex moment. But Emma told me that she didn’t want to loose her virginity right then and there. I became distroaught, and hurt, and experienced myself very uncomfortable. I don’t know why. Maybe because I expected to have sex with Emma. Maybe because, I felt like my manliness was taken away when Emma didn’t want to have sex with me. Anyway, my mood was taken away in that moment.
Oh I remember how tense I was by the way, because my parents where sleeping beside me. And I remember how quite I tried to be so that my parents wouldn’t react. And I remember how proud I was to be able to tell Henrik that I was making out with a girl. It was fantastic to have a girlfriend I thought. Because it meant physical contact. And I had desired physical contact so much.
So we continued to meet each-other. I quite enjoyed it actually. And I had no idea what was going on in Emmas head. I might actually have supressed anger and blame towards Emma. That it ended so abruptly. It ended in a moment. As I didn’t want to come to Emma because she had no television. And I heard she became angry at me. And then she said she didn’t want it anymore. She said, something, you can come if you want to come. And at that moment I didn’t feel to come at all. I was very sad actually. I got suprised at how sad I became.
The relationship and mainly circled around making out, and around sex, there had been tension around this sex point because none of us dared to take command and direct the sex point effectively in communication and in expression. Physical movement. And there was no real direction in relationship at all. There was mostly fear existing within the relationship towards ourselves. We where insecure. I felt like there where laws and rules I now had to uphold as I entered the relationship. And I felt like I didn’t have full knowledge on how to behave and move myself in a relationship.
So it ended abruptly. I was sad and i felt like I had failed after that. Like I had not done as good as I could have done towards Emma. And what follow was a silence between me and Emma. I didn’t even say hi to Emma. I simply stopped speaking to her completely. I had to notion of, there was like a rule saying that I should be able to speak with all my exes. But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to speak with Emma. And everytime I met her. I just felt uncomfortable.
And then she got a new boyfriend. Patrick, and I was jealous, and afraid that my lie would be exposed. That I had actually not have sex with Emma.
What played a interessting role in my selection of Emma as partner was what I heard others say about Emma. It was like I confirmed my own values through cross-referencing with Joel. And Joel didn’t find Emma pretty. I valued myself according to what relationships I had. Like, what picture I had managed to attract.
I remember that I was suprised that Emma wanted to be with me. Considering I was late in puberty, and considering there where more pretty boys out there than me.
In school I was uncomfortable to be with Emma. That was one of the points as to why Emma wanted to break up. To her it didn’t look like we where in a relationship because we didn’t hold hand or kiss. Even though I enjoyed to see Emma and speak with Emma. Though I was uncomfortable infront of her friends. And I felt like her friends sized me up and placed me in a box, considering my strenghts and weaknessess, what I was good at and what I was bad at.
I didn’t like thinking about what Emma told her friends also about me and her relationship with me. Because, I had no control, maybe she disliked me a lot but she didn’t tell me. She held it all by herself. And told her friends only. Maybe a giant rumor was leaping around at school about me. Around friends. My performance in bed. My dicksize. How I was to be in a relationship with. What where my qualities and my weaknesses.
I liked the way Emma looked, I liked her body type. Though I felt very uncomfortable being in her house. I remember looking at all her pictures of her friends and stuff like that and in that feeling very uncomfortable. Feeling like I wasn’t a big part of her life. Like I was no part of her life at all. And like her real life, what she really experienced was hidden. And it was like I realized that Emma was a person. With a family, with important things in her life that wasn’t me. So it was like I felt as if I intruded into Emmas life.
I have another memory with Emma that is coming up. I remember standing infront of the mirror with Emma. And I was taking my hands around Emmas stomach. And emma took her hands and removed my hands. That felt kind of uncomfortable. I didn’t understand why she did that.
Being in emmas room was quite uncomfortable. I never felt at home in Emmas house. And I brought condoms several times, but I never dared to introduce them to Emma and ask if she could have sex with me.
I felt like a outcast in Emmas home. And each time I left Emma I felt like I could breath out and let go of my experience. That is a little bit of the experience I am having towards living with and being with Anna for some days.

I continue to write out my relationship construct. Emma was my first girlfriend. Malin was my second girlfriend.
With Malin I had a longer relationship. We where together for about six months. At first I was in love with malin and I liked to be with Malin. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I became enthralled with her eyes. I thought she was the expression of innocence with her eyes.
I also liked her hair, and her darkbrown, big eyes, and her way of clothing herself. She had a specific and relaxed way of dressing herself. Like a hippie. That I fell for that big-time.
Being with Malin was a stormy story also that. And looking back on it I allowed myself to be addicted by my desire to have sex with and be with Malin. I remember how we one time was sitting in the car. Arguing for a hour or something. Where I begged and wanted to go home to Malin and sleep in her house. Something that she didn’t want to do.
Finally I managed to get myself, get Malin to take me home to her house. And I snook in and we lied in the bed together. And I wanted to have sex with Malin. But malin didn’t want to. It was a strange moment. It was, we where kissing and stuff. And then the phone called or something, and then Malin just ignored me. That was like, a experience of being hurt. The entire sex point was uncomfortable with Malin to. Because I didn’t know where I had malin on the sex point. If she wanted to have sex or not.
I was quite annoyed that Malin always was so fearful of having sex. And I wasn’t even allowed to come home to Malin. I don’t know what the was with Malin. Her fear to be intimate with anyone. And let anyone in to her life. Because I never got into her life. And I never opened myself, shared myself and enjoyed myself unconditionally with Malin. But Malin reflected me at that point, as how I experienced myself. I feared intimacy, and I didn’t really let malin into my life.
A big part of letting someone into ones life for real is commitment, a agreement. A verbal agreement and a understanding about what you are doing together. That is to let someone into your life. And I didn’t do that. There was like nothing of substance between me and malin. It was quite empty, both in spoken word, and in sex. And that was mainly what our relationship was about.
A couple of times we went to Denmark to smoke weed. I liked to smoke weed with Malin. And just lie down and sleep with Malin. Lie on malins breast, and hear her breath. It was fun. We had some adventures doing that. And I experienced myself very relaxed and comfortable with her.
Other than that I don’t remember much of my relationship with malin. It was like it in many ways didn’t exist any relationship. Because there was no physical intimacy between us. There was more fear between us.
I remember one time when Malin confronted me, and said, that this relationship is only sex. It was like it struck me in the stomach. Because it was really, only sex, but I didn’t think anything about that. Sex was really everything that I wanted to have from malin. So when she said that. I knew she was right. And I felt quite, struck by the lightning. And immedietly fear came up of loosing malin. And also, a feeling of being rejected and judged by Malin.
So, looking back at these relationships. The word that come up is just empty. And then I wonder. But why is it empty? Maybe because I am empty? And what is emptiness really, but the emptiness of me. Me not being here but being in my mind instead.
I remember once when me and Malin was out in the car. And there opened up a situation of me and Malin going to have sex. And then Malin said no. She had a boyfriend. And at that moment, I was like, hurt. And I didn’t want to show my hurt to Malin. Though Malin saw what I experienced. And that made me embarassed and ashamed. I hated to show myself that way to anybody. Actually showing to somebody else that I experience something.
I think we where smoking weed. Out in the woods, sitting in the car smoking weed. We where going to the place where we meet. But we couldn’t find it.
I met Malin first with Sebastian. She was very quiet. I thought she was so pretty, but I didn’t say anything to her. I felt very afraid of her beauty. And the fact that she was Sebastians girlfriend made me uncomfortable to speak with her.
I remember watching her in school, totally like, enthralled with her presence. Her movement. And I had no way of approaching her. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. And so I did as I usually do. I got drunk, and I talked with one of her friends and that way got Malins telephone number. It’s strange that it’s always that way I did it. I never actually dared to approach girls without being drunk.
I remember also, in relation to girls. Me once finding a girl very attractive one night. And I thought we had something going on. And I looked up her number on the internet and then I called her. This time Marie was with me. And the girl abruptly ended the call, as she didn’t recognize or know me in anyway. I was very embarassed for calling her, and I thought that I had completely lost it. When she didn’t even know my name.
I remember that I had spent that entire week to think and phantasize about her. And then when I brought my dreams into action they failed me.
Some weeks later I sat beside her yet again, and smoked weed with her. I couldn’t speak with her. I was so embarassed and uncomfortable around her. And I thought she disliked me. And also, a man was there, that apperantly had a relationship with the girl. But no real relationship. It was some bullshit some of my friends told me, and I limited myself to what I heard from him. Because I actually feared making those guys angry at me.
So anyway, this made me remember something that I now forgot. In relation to some shit. I was very embarassed after that thing with the girl.
I mean I have had many girls I have tried to snare into my fist. But i have never been able to do it. Many, many girls actually, alexa, josephine, malin, emma.
Oh, I remember a girl called Biljana. Now this was fascinating. I met a girl called biljana that I was attracted to. And we decided to meet. Butt hen Joel told me that this girl was a whore. And that nobody liked, and that she had slept with many.
And so on the day we where going to meet. I had these thoughts of should I do it, or should I not do it? I was very considered of how this action would make me look in the eyes of others. Because I was very concerned with what type of girlfriend I was with. In terms of what impression my girlfriend made upon others.
So I called her and said no, I didn’t want to meet her. Even though I actually enjoyed being with her and speaking with her.
I was many times at parties where I kissed girls and made out with girls. It was a drug to me to hunt down girls and to get to kiss girls. And I mean, I was very lost in this hunt for girls. More lost than I thought before. I thought I actually did more than just go around to different girls all the time. Hoping for the perfect relationship.
Butt hen when the relationship came here. After a lot of struggling, after a lot of compromising, then it was just a fucked up experience.
Another girl, called Bianca. I remember sitting with her in the basement for an entire night. I remember Bianca bringing me home. I remember just sitting with Bianca. And all the time wanting to touch and kiss bianca, but I just didn’t dare to do it.
Man, this brings me back to when I actually kissed a girl I remember being in my head and thinking at the moment I did it. Oh, so this is how it feels. It’s almost automatic. What a strange feeling this is.
So, with Bianca, I found her very attractive. And because of that I felt inferior to her. And i didn’t dare to approach Bianca with any sexual proposal. I wonder why I have done that in my entire life. Like all my life hunting for sex and women. But still never going full through and actually confronting the girls I wanted. I always remained silent, never daring to actually take the stop to get the girl so to speak.
So that was a experience. I remember Joel seeing me as cool for being able to get a relationship with Bianca. There was some shit going on with Bianca where I text-messaged her and stuff like that. I don’t remember how it went down. But I remember that it was because of what I heard Joel had told me about her. That she was perfect and beautiful.
And so I decided tobe with her. Yet I never made it full through. Because I didn’t feel worthy to Bianca.
Oh this goes on to another experience, that goes on with girls you can. So it was a party with my class. And everyone was speaking, it was a speaking about but sex. And I remember how much I hated being there. Because I had no sexual experience at all. And everyone of my classmates seemed to have giant amounts of sexual experience. Maybe actually, everyone was really sexually insecure and fearful.
Yet, everyone pretended that they had loads of sexual experience. So I lied, because I didn’t want to come clean with my experience. I lied to get others to like me and not find out that I was not sexually experienced.
Strange that I was so afraid of showing who i really was to others. And especially in terms of sex. Sex was like the fear of showing myself in anyway.
Maybe it’s in sex that I had hidden most of my fears. I mean there must be a enourmous fear of showing myself inferior. And in sex it seems to be where I show this fear the most. Because it’s in sex that I have actually gone to lies to hide myself. And to place myself in a position of polarity. Sex is actually the only point I can remember at this moment where I have lied to get others to like me. Where i have lied to get others to term and place me as being a acceptable being.
So moving on. To the first encounter with the other sex. That is Hannah. The first encounter, in where I fell in love with another girl. Yet again I didn’t dare to confront this girl face to face and share myself. So I decided to send a note to this girl. Explainging my feeligns. Everything got fucked up, and the girl didn’t notice me. And I was extremely embarassed.
Lol, I have lot’s embarassment towards girls that I am going to work on with self-forgiveness as I move on to clear my entire experience with girls. That seem to consist of a couple of primary points.
I felt inferior to that girl in school to. And I feared approaching her asking if she wanted to come to my party. I was afraid that she would say no. Looking at it I realize that she probably wouldn’t say no. She would probably enjoy being with me at my party.
And that is mostly everything,
I have another experience with girls. And this was with Ida. Oh, looking at it Ida was my second girlfriend. This was the year when all girls wanted to be with me. And all girls found me attractive. And Ida and me got into a relationship. And suddenly I entered this position of popularity and specialness in my school Where everyone liked me and everyone wanted to be with me.
And then that fell apart when I moved back to stockholm, and I felt sexually inferior to everyone yet again.
I remember my relationship with Ida. It was also very dry, and I didn’t dare to touch Ida in anyway. Like physically touching. I remember the day after we got together. I know felt like I had some responsibility towards doing things with Ida. Because we where now in a agreement together. And so I called her and asked if she wanted to do something. But she wasn’t home. But her brother took my call. And he found it amusing that we a had a relationship.
So that was that relationship. I felt like, it was one of those things I did because all the adults did it. That was how I tried to do things at that time. I looked at my parents and then I followed their example.
So with ida, I felt like I had certain responsibilities towards Ida.
Yes, a strange year. That was the year I considered to be my happy year. My strong year where everything in my life went my way.
And then as I came back to skåne. Everything turned around. And I was now the loner yet again. And Ida broke up with me infront of my friends. That was a experience of shame and embarassment also. Even more shame and embarassment added to the point of girl. Maybe because this point, where a point where I still had innocence. A point where self-expression was actually a possibility for me.
And.
I remember I chatted with one girl over internet. I wrote letters with her on the mail. Explaining my days. And when I met her. It was quite fun. To see her. She was very shy. And I didn’t speak to her very much because I was also very shy. That is a usual thing for me. That when I write with someone I am much more comfortable than when I actually meet that somebody in real life. Then it feel uncomfortable all of a sudden. And I become shy. And fearful of expressing myself.
So i have targeted the primary points of my relationship construct.
8 pages of self-forgiveness to clear this. Will do this tomorrow or tonight. It will be a fucking long self-forgiveness session.
1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarassed over sex
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be embarassed over touching females
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be embarassed over taking the first step, over deciding to interact with a female and follow through to interact
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of communicating with females
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of having sex with females
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted towards having sex with females
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and rejected when emma didn’t want to have sex with me
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear ever bringing up the point of sex again with emma in fear that emma would yet again reject me
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, sad and betrayed when emma left me
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like i had done something wrong when emma left me
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when emma left me
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being physically intimate with emma infront of others
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear hugging or kissing emma infront of my friends
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be embarassed and judge myself for having stood and kissed emma, where everyone could see me
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and be embarassed over having grabbed emma on her ass where everyone could see me
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being naked with emma
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become disgusted by seeing that emma had hair on her pussy
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that emma is thinking that she is to old and mature for me
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to women, and afraid of approaching women, and communicating with women, thinking that i am not physically developed yet. And thus not worthy of being in the presence of a women
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that Emma was going to think that my penis was to small
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and rejected when Emma said she wanted to save her virginity, and I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing how I experienced mysefl
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when i noticed that emma wasn’t satisfied with out relationship
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into panic and self-judgement when i noticed that emma was going to leave, and attempt to fix it throguh compromising myself
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like i messed up my relationship with emma
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and feel embarassed that i couldn’t penetrate emma when we had sex
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of not being a good lover
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting and communicating with women in fear that women wil consider me less valueable than other men
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a girlfriend, in fear that people are going to value, and place me in a box due to my interaction with my girlfriend
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to think that i am a bad kisser or a bad toucher
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear kissing and hugging and being physical infront of women, in fear that they are going to judge and dislike me as how i look and as how i express myself physically
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anyone is going to find out that i am a virgin
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anyone is going to judge me as sexually inferior, and in this fear lie and create stories that are not real. To keep my status with my friends
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear being percieved and seen as a sexually inferior male
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and blame my parents for saying to me that you must have sex, and have a girlfriend and go to parties to be considered a equal
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about sex with malin
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking during sex with malin
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to become disgusted when i saw malin naked
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that malin where going to change her body and become thinner
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that malin would change her body and become more trained
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a relationship with a fat girl in fear that my friends are going to think that my girlfriend is ugly, and thus place me lower in the social hierarchy
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about sex
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define malin as being the prettiest girl alive
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel enthralled when i look at malin
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become enthralled through looking at malins eyes, at malins body, al malins brown hair, at malins perfectly and symtrecial face
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused at seeing malin undressing
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and fearful towards showing my penis infront of malin
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at malin for not pleasing me as i want her to please me in sex
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at malin that malin doesn’t do as i wish her to do
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at malin for ignoring me when we where having sex
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected and hurt when malin said, or showed with her body that she didn’t want to have sex with me
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate malin to have sex with me
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to force malin to have sex with me
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused towards taking malin with violence
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused towards fucking malin against her will
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear kissing bianca
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching and having sex with bianca
57. I forgive myself tht i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone with bianca
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that bianca is to pretty to me
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am to ugly to be with bianca
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in a relationship with bianca because joel saw bianca as being very pretty, and i desired respect from joel and acceptance from joel in relation to what women i choose to go into a relationship with
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed about speaking with hannah to come to my party
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become embrassed and feel stupid when hannah couldn’t read the letter i had written her
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards hannah
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that hannah would say no if i asked her to come to my birthday party
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that hannah would decline my invitation
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed towards saying that i am in love with someone
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed towards physically touching, and being with another being
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed when i was a small child and when i touched females, and i felt like my parents made fun of me for liking to be around females
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see sex and relationships as something wrong and embarssing
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed over expressing myself in sex
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to be afraid of kissing or asking a girl to have sex with me
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when girls speak with me
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a crush on girls
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall in love with girls
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a relationship with emma nurmela
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel insufficient towards having a relationship with emma nurmela, because she seemed to liek older guys
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am not old enough, and that i don’t have a physically fit body enough to have a relationship with a girl
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like there is certain rules in a relationship as what i am allowed to do and what i am not allowed to do
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i must entertain and give my attention to the girl i am in a relationship with
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to copy my parents behaviour
81. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to feel embarassed when ida broke up with me infront of my friends
82. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferiorized infront of my friends, and feel like i lost my man-hood
83. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, and fear to show that i was hurt in fear that my friends where going to ridicule me for what i experienced
84. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to ida
85. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed about touching ida infront of my friends
86. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed about kissing, and speaking, and being with ida infront of my friends
87. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that ida was going to reject me infront of my friends
88. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear that my friends where going to laugh at me and consider me weak and inferior for being physically intimate with ida
89. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when ida approchaed me to have a relationship
90. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when i saw that girls liked my picture
91. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when people looked at me as pretty and wanted to be my girlfriend
92. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel strong, to feel important and unique when ida decided that she wanted to have a relationship with me
93. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel in love when ida approached me through mimmi, saying that i want to have a relationship
94. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed and judged over how i physically developed in comparison to my friends during my teenage years
95. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and rejected when a girl told me that i looked a lot younger than i was
96. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and sad when a girl told me that i looked as if I was twleve years old when I was 15 years old
97. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become embarassed that JJJ didn’t know my name when I called her
98. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid, and feel like I had mis-calculated the signs that JJJ gave me
99. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for being rejected by JJJ
100. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that nogge was going to become angry and jealous and decide to hit me if I decided to interact with JJJ
101. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and fearful towards speaking with JJ
102. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed infront of Maria, that the girl I told her, I was having a relationship with, didn’t really know who I was
103. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that Maria was seeing me as a weirdo that had no connection to reality
104. I forgive myself that i have acceted and allowed myself to fear that maria saw me as a rapist and as a inferior male that had no connection, and no seeing of what was a potential relationship and what was not a potential relationship
105. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for becoming sexually interessted by maria
106. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards becoming sexually interessted by maria
107. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for speaking self-forgiveness out loud infront of malin and maria
108. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel guilty for being abusive, and attempting to play the role of the superior to malin and maria
109. I forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel guilty that I allowed myself to become possesed when i was with Malin and Maria, and drop Malin and Maria of at a place, where they couldn’t get anywhere
110. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret myself that I didn’t consider how malin and maria where going to experience themselves due to my decision
111. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to judge myself that I allowed myself to act in the desire to be superior and special towards malin and maria
112. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret myself that i yelled at malin, and that i used what i saw in malins behaviour to make her feel inferior to me and comply to me
113. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel guilty for having spoken self-forgiveness infont of malin and maria
114. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i have ruined the relationship with malin and maria
115. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t be able to have a relationship with malin and maria again
116. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that i dropped malin and maria of pre-maturely
117. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty that i dropped malin and maria off pre-maturaly
118. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty that i attempted to play the saviour construct with malin and maria, where I tried to save everyone, and be as correct as possible to feel good about myself