Sex and desires

Hello,
Today I have felt bored and like, on nails for a large amount of the day. Like restless, I want to run away from myself. Yet I don’t want to do anything really.
I have worried some about the things that I must take care of in my reality. Such as my loan, and my payment to the school that I am going to attend. I am also worried about taking a big loan. A fear that I through taking a big loan won’t be able to move myself effectively in the matrix when my education is done.

Man, I am really going to do this. It feels cool to take a decision in my life and then just fucking standing with that decision no matter what. I have a stability within that. And I have seen thoughts pop up. And I have wanted to follow them. Like what am I going to do, how am I going to do this? Can I actually do this. But as those thought came up I told them to fuck off. Because I don’t really want to put myself through another time-loop of doubt, confusion and uncertainty. This time I am fucking following through.

I have had weird experiences since coming up. A very strong addiction towards smoking has suddenly come up within me. A really bad addiction towards any drug actually. A desire to escape my reality and escape myself really and not want to deal with anything. A desire to return to the old days of not caring, of just laying in my bed, of being high all the time and being with friends all the time.

That might be the day when I was consuming energy. The resonances told me that I spent my entire life consuming energy. And I notice that I am addickted to some of these energies and that I believe I can’t handle myself without them. The addiction of wanting to be with someone. The addicktion of wanting to have friends. The addiction of wanting entertainment.

It’s like self is never enough. There must always be something more than self. Something more to do. And I have within me dreamt about some form of escape from myself. From having to face and correct myself. Which is like real hard labour. I have dreamt about marijauna, I have dreamt about booze, about fucking, about just wanting to put myself in some state where I do not need to be aware of myself and what I experience and what I go through. Strange that this is coming up. I thought I had dealt with all of this. But as I integrate into the matrix again. And I find myself a lot mores table. These desires are coming up as I now see that I am able to fulfill them. And it’s mostly around sex that these desires come up.

Man, sex, fuck, sex is like everywhere. I am getting pissed of that sex is fucking everywhere. On the internet, on newspapers, girls are fucking potraying themselves as sex. Specifically dressed the create arousal, pictures and desires. It’s like this entire planet is fucking insane and all are out to get sex. One action, the physical action, of sex. Getting so extremely much attention. So much attention that our entire living. Our entire beingness is only focused upon getting and having this one action. What the fuck, it’s really insane when I think about it. And it’s become so special this one action. The most highly regarded thing in existence. By humans that is. It’s fascinating to see how I myself am a sex-machine. I mean if there shows up pictures, infront of my eyes potraying a certain women type. A certain body. I immediatly react. And experience saliva increasing in my mouth, and blood flowing to my penis.

It’s automatic reaction. And it’s fascinating. That one action is so nice. The feeling of penetrating. The feeling of warm flesh, and also the experience of another physical body towards mine. The action that I have fought for and desired for most of my life.
It was strange when desire first came to my awareness. I saw the desire move within me. And i got fascinated as to what it was that I experienced. I started to look at girls. And I noticed that I had this massive desire and arousal moving in me as I looked at certain girls. It became addictive to me to look at girls. And I dreamed and desired to feel, and have sex with these girls. But that never happened. I was to insecure, to fearful, and to judgemental on myself to actually take what I wanted.

So I looked, and looked, saliva dripping from my mouth as I was looking. These bodies moving infront of me invoking all these sensations within me. At first I wasn’t defined by my behaviour, I wasn’t controlled by my desire. I simply noticed that a desire moved in me as I looked upon specific women. Then I started doing this more and more. And soon it became a habit that I believed myself to be. But it was interessting the way it started. And it came in one day only. Suddenly, the desire and movement was there in me. And I thought that I was becoming a man.

Now this desires is the fucking plague of the fucking universe. You want something so bad, but you can’t have it. Sex is the thing you want to have. But there is no way you can get it. I mean in our society the only way to get sex is through stupid fucking games of being drunk or dressing up or speaking bullshit. Casual sex doesn’t really exist. Though that is really what people would need. And that would end a lot of the fucking bullshit going on in the world.

I mean how many goes out to party only to find someone to fuck. Probably many, now why has it become so fucking hard to find somebody to fuck. And why has it become such a fucking process to be able to fuck with someone. You must get to know the person, you must do that bullshit and that bullshit. When both in reality just want to get to the stage of fucking.

God, if people would just allow each-other to fuck. If I would just be able to go to some fucking house where horny people go and fuck. Lol, would a blast. And that would really take away all the fucking desire from fucking. Because it would be nothing special with it anymore. If you where horny you just went to a fucking house to fuck with a stranger, and then you where done. And so, after a while as the desire came up you would not be as tempted anymore. And it would, be, the mystique, the reward of fucking would be gone. And you could just relax. Instead of sitting in your mind completely possesed with the desire to fuck.

Apparently as a young body. I desire to fuck. Man, I would really like to experience how it feels to not fuck anything at all. Or to not have any desire to fuck at all. How would that experience really be. Very peaceful I presume. Very grounded here. Not much things that would make me want to move myself into strange situations to get to stick my penis into a flesh cave.
Strange fucking things, strange fucking programming. Sex is very fucking strange shit. And it’s the one thing that the world is based around. Sex, one fucking action. What the fuck is so special about it.

And it’s so fucking cleverly designed. We make this action what we desire the most. And then we tell ourselves that we can’t have it. Because it’s like really hard to get sex. It’s all these fucking things put up in the way of sex. To have sex you must have money, be good looking, be social, all these stupid things. You must fulfill ideals, and you must do certain things.

And then there are stuff connected to having sex also. Girls can’t have to much sex with to many, then they are sluts. Men must have sex with many to prove that they are men. They can’t just settle for one, or they can’t be virgins. They must be fucking sex-machines in total knowing of how to satisfy a women. Man it’s bizarre.

It’s all these pictures that make sex such a fuck up. That you must fulfill so many ideals to be able to have sex. It’s the one thing we want and desire the most. But we have created a jail for ourselves in terms of getting it. Because we want to have it with a specific body type, that wear specific clothes, and all of that shit. We want to fuck with our minds. And if we don’t get the perfect picture served, we won’t fuck. We will only give to some. Some that are worthy of our body and our sexual expression.
And, man relationships is a fuck up. A real fuck up. Sex in the relationships I have been in have been a complete fuck up. All silent, and no speaking about it at all. No speaking about intimate things at all actually. Just fucking pictures moving around. No speaking about true experience. No speaking about what is really going on. And no trust at all. I mean, one is scared all the time to fuck up, and then the other will leave. No freedom of expression. Because if one would express freely the other one would suddenly be dissatisfied and run away.

Physical relationships is what have been missed in this life. I have missed the physical relationship. The physical relationship is the real relationship. It’s not based upon judgements of pictures. It’s here as what is real as the physical. Unwavering and constant.

I will see how this entire shit will go down.