Standing up

Hello,
I am beginning to become very stable. Thanks to my writings and my self-forgiveness daily application. It’s very cool to see.

I am beginning to find enjoyment around being with people. And today I actually lived the word enjoyment. I see that living enjoyment is more participation. It’s a physical expression to live enjoyment. And it’s a expression of equal participation. It’s expression of speaking and being sharing. Sharing as an equal in all moments and not holding back or supressing self in any moment.

Living enjoyment is not so much a change in how I interact, or how I move myself. Or though living enjoyment is really a difference in how I move myself also. It’s like enjoyment is a word that I live through being more spontaneus in my movements. Through moving myself not in linear styles. Like from that position to that position. Enjoyment is lived more in the moment. And it’s really a cool word to live. It diffuses my self-judgemental way of being. And in living enjoyment I become more free. Because I can’t make any mistakes. I simply move myself.

With people I am much more relaxed and my participation is really cool. It’s like fear is becoming more and more unreal for everyday. Fear is something that I don’t have to push myself to not participate in anymore. It’s like. I am still a little uncertain in terms of how to go about this process of stopping fear. If I should like change breath, focus on breath. Or if I simply should be here and focus on practical living instead. It’s opening up for me. I don’t still see myself confident enough to stop all participation in fear as I still have some duality in me in terms of how to live certain words.

But I see that fear is almost non-existent now. It’s strange how relaxed and calm i have become. And it’s now like I am expecting it to come up. And the thoughts are moving in my head but the experience just doesn’t come. It doesn’t sweep me of my feet anymore. And I don’t even have to breath heavily, or be completly focus upon breath. I am beginning to understand that breath is only a tool. It’s up to me to realize that I am not these emotions thoughts or feelings. I am them not in anyway. And as I realize this I become free.

It’s cool. I have a certain set of thought that used to create tension in me. It was like a thought that came up and said. Don’t like that way. And then I became like totally confused and lost myself as I tried to stop this one thought. Now when the thought comes up I instantly do what the thought is telling me. I am beginning to understand that it’s not about what I do, but about who I am. And it’s impossible to understand from a knowledge perspective. The closest word to the experience. Or the specific and precise word to define the experience is unconditional.
If I am unconditional with no desire for a outcome I will experience no reaction. That is the solution. Unconditionality is the solution. In and as unconditionality any and all expressions can be lived. There is no limit for what expressions that can be lived. The human physical body is a instrument of self-expression. It’s a guitar. And I play the guitar. So fascinating. There are no limits. As long as I am the starting point. As long as I don’t seperate the starting point from me and in this want someone or something to confirm to me who and what I am. I will experience no reactions.

I am mostly with Leslie-John, Fidelis, and Gian. And also Jorn. And at first I was very afraid of them. And I was mostly in survival mode. Now I am actually starting to enjoy their company and have fun with them. It’s quite fun to build. I remember when I was a child when I used to build and build for hours with friends.

I loved to build things. And that was real fun. Then there was no money involved either so then expression was experimenting. There was no limits and there was no reason. It was just so cool to build things. I have no idea as to why. But I see that I have lost that playfulness in expression. Where something is done for the sake of it being done. I mean there is real enjoyment and bliss hiding here. I know that it is. I have just layered it behind all of these experiences. But I know that life here can be really cool, enjoyable and filled with suprises.

It’s strange how I as an adult came to hate life so much. Came to find life boring and unsatisfactory. And as a child I was the opposite. As the child I found enjoyment in the smallest of things. I didn’t need anything for me to be completly absorbed in the moment fully enjoying things as they came. It’s fascinating how it changed to this. I mean, how could it change so fast. And how could it become like this without me even noticing really. Strange.

Back in sweden i didn’t really take care of the points I experienced with people. And so I didn’t move myself as much as I could have moved myself. This time I won’t do the same mistake. I am writing two times a day. Writing and self-forgiveness two times a day. In the morning and in the evening. In the morning it’s a cool first activity to get up and write and do self-forgiveness. And in the evening it’s a activity that I just must give to myself to not become crazy in this world.

This process is so simple when no knowledge is used to move myself. I just use the tools that are suggest. I write myself to freedom without really knowing what I am writing about. And I apply self-forgiveness. Self-corrective application is to say stop to patterns that are emerging before they possess me. I do all this in the realization that it will take me about 14 years to reach a point of total stability. Pretty cool. I am pretty satisfied with that. I am starting to find a silence and stability in me already. And I am looking forward to cultivate and establish this stability even further. I like working on myself. I like expanding and writing things down. I am seeing that I am really enjoying this process. When it’s done for myself and not to reach anywhere it’s a really cool process.

Maybe writing is that tool. To make me realize that it’s not about reaching somewhere. With writing i simply write word after word. Without no real purpose. I write it out. I try to see in my mind what to write about. But usually as I look into my mind I go and write about some situation where I already know what happened. Writing is not so effective for me in terms of seeing what it is that I think and stuff like that. I already know must of the stuff that I think, and most of the places that I react. Writing is more. Like, me scripting my self-correction. Where I place the words I would like to live instead of this automated brain.

Waking up in the morning is still not cool. I have not been able to do it all. It’s my weak point. I have tried many times to discipline myself in waking up after six hours. I managed it for six months but I haven’t done it since then. Fucking uncomfortable to wake up and take the day by it’s horns. I don’t know. I feel like I have no purpose to get up in the morning and start moving myself. I feel no energy as I lie there in the morning. And I kind of look at the activities that I have planned out. Look at the prospect of getting out of my bed. And I just do not want to do it.

So correcting that shit. I would like to find self-forgiveness so that all the emotional crap I experience go away in the morning. So I won’t have to experience myself like I rather want to stay in the bed the entire day instead of getting up.
I am getting pretty tired. Would be nice to sleep and rest. But I won’t do that. I will write. I was mores table with Titan today. And I told Gian to be more careful when is directing his horse. Became a bit frieghtened of doing that. And a bit uncomfortable. But I said it. But I didn’t really feel as if it was effective. It came up in the moment very softly and gently. And I noticed that Gian became a little uncertain as I told him what I told him.

I have noticed a strange fear of leaving the stables without telling gian. I don’t know why. Other than the fear of getting in a conflict. Yes it might be that. It’s strange I have nothing to write about my reactions. There is nothing coming up. It’s like I have written about all the shit I have experienced in my life already. And there isn’t more shit coming up. Maybe my memories was gentle with me. I wasn’t as affected by memories as others where. I don’t know. I feel like I should write about memories and shit like that. But it’s like I am just placing down information that already have inside me. It feels unnesscary to do that. It haven’t helped me so much to place down information about my memories. Or to write down my memories.
I haven’t had so many memories in my life that I have held on to. And sort of feared or just wanted to go away. I have been quite stable in my life. Never experienced to much shit. Or felt to trapped in certain patterns.

Anyway. I was at a fire today. It was cool and I got very excited. I am actually coming alive. I was genuinly excited about taking out a fear. It was really cool. I always liked moments where there was adventure. Where there was unpredictable things happening that I didn’t know off. That was my favorite time because people became more real towards each-other. There was suddenly a purpose that everyone shared. It was cool to experience that working together towards the same goal. And it’s cool that I have begun to fear leslie john less. I don’t fear as much as I did before. I feel quite alright with him. He is very much human. Last time I thought that he hated me. But that was only like a perception, me showing myself my own self-hate. I am pretty sure that my self-hate was that I tried to be accepted by people all the time. And that have stopped. So now I am here more real than I was before. And I have managed to stop many reactions and ideas that I had before.

Okay, so this is it. All in all a cool and enjoyable day. Thanks.
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear telling gian about how i experience myself and how i would like him to be around me for me to experience myself better
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing stories of myself
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become uncertain and fearful when leslie john comes close to me
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become possesed with thoughts when jorn stands and looks at me as i work
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to fear when jorn stands by me
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge jorn as being to much make
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that gian i speaking shit about me
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the unpopular one
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that gian is not liking me because i leave the stable before he is finished
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that gian thinks i am not taking care of his horse good enough
12. I forgive myseflt hat i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are looking down upon me when i state what i want and whjat i do not want in my world
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing myself
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear when somebody is looking at me as i take hay in fear that they are forming a judgement about me as being to slow in fear that they will get angry at me
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to feel uncertain and inferior the moment someobdy is looking at me as i do physical labour
16. I forgie myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are thinking that i am doing something wrong
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with jorn
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear all the thoughts i have when i am with jorn
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to get jealous of me and desire to communicate and be with me
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desre to be popular and liked and have people follow me and be around me
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be known and remembered on the farm
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when cerise is walking past me
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at a group of people in fear that they will look back at me in fear that i will get stuck in looking at them
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting stuck when i look at people
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will get stuck in my movements or show how i experience myself or something unpredictable will happen when i look at people
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction and fear when i speak to gian about how i would like to experience myself
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am speaking from egio
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i want to be better than gian
30. I forgive myslef that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being assertive
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid for how i held my hands when i stood beside leslie john
32. I forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to fear that leslie john found me to be stupid the way i stood by him and held my hand
33. I forgive myslef that i have accepted and allowed myself to when i am with people and feel like something is going on, fear looking if my suspicion is correct in fear that people will think that i am ewak and that i have acted in fear
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when gian is looking at me and speaking with me
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having the attention of a entire group drawn towards me
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want bernard to see that i am present of my entire body and that i am silent when he speaks to me
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good and feel funny when sunette laughs at me
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel accepted and secure when sunette laughs at me
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stand in the kitchen and start to worry about where to look and how to look
40. I forgive myslef that i have not allowed myself to trust myself in every moment
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of not trusting myself
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to create a habit of distrusting myself
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to hold myself back form living
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being assertive and directive
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being direct and to the point
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will loose myself when i go back to the matrix
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear htat i will loose myself in the mind and in reactions and not know how to get out of it
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted adna llowed myself to believe that i can’t trust myself
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone in looking at walking this process alone
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this process will never end
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will never be able to clear me
52. I forgive myself that i have acccepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t understand this process
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear things that i don’t understand
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding things
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must understand something to be able to trust myself
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncertain and uncomfortable when i don’t understand
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying a computer
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create day dreams about buying a computer
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create day dreams about what i am going to do when i get back to sweden
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to create day dreams about how i will experience myself with my new computer
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mother won’t approve of me buying a new computer
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t have any money left
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t be able to get a job and that i will loose all my savings
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t have any use for my computer
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will think that i am greedy for having two computers
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will comment upon me being rich because i have two computers
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear that people will dislike me because i have two computers
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the music i do won’t be good and that i then will feel like i have wasted my money because i bought a expensive computer to be able to do music effectively
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t be able to sell music
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to justify buying a computer through saying that i am going to start my own buisness and that i then need expensive and cool equipment
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to create my own recording paradise where i can record myself and do my music with a ll kinds of instruments
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to create my own safe haven where i can enjoy myself and experiment with music until i die
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must have a lot f stuff to be able to create music and enjoy myself while creating music
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t be able to earn enough money to be able to create my own musical haven where i have instruments and a lots of recording possibilities
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable doing pelvic motions when esteni is in the same room as me
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable of making esteni think about sex when esteni is in the same room as me in relation to how i move my human physical body
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that esteni will dislike me or think that i am a freak due to how i move my human body
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and unconditional when esteni is in hte same room as me
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving myself as i want to move myself in the moment and not giving a fuck about fear
80. I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to push myself as self-movement