working with fear

Hello,
I am still facing this bodily spasm, of tightening my entire body as I interact with people. Especially males. I saw this now as I played a game with my brother. It was quite a cool point to face. Playing a game simply for the enjoyment of playing a game and not wanting to win at all.
Though I face this unconcious shit that I have no idea where it comes from. Where I notice my entire body go into a uncomfortable spasm. A tightening. And I do experience it. And if I breath and allow myself to feel my physical at the point when I experience this I see that my body is actually crampening. And I am getting like, pissed that I can’t transcend this experience. And I realize that there is still writing and self-forgiveness to be done on this point. Because this shit only exist as a physically manifested experience. Because there is still shit within me that I haven’t dealt with.
So i will simply write about whatever comes up and assume that what I am writing about is actually relevant to this point. Or I can muscle test and be more specific in my writing.
Okay what comes up is the word, treacherous. The fear of being betrayed by other people. And I don’t know when this fear came up. It could be a experience towards my parents as I grew. Because I in many times felt deceived by my parents. I remember sharing myself as I grew up. Things I considered to be intimate and I didn’t want anyone to find out about. And I remember that my brother and my family, used to taket hese experiences that I shared in confidence and speak of them to my friends.
Treacherous. That is kind of how I see the human nature. And that is how I have experienced my parents to be many times. Saying one thing and then doing another thing. Promising one thing and then going into the other direction.
It is also what I have experienced from Joel. Who seemed to be one of the most treacherous people I have ever been with. He stole my ipod. He spoke behind my back. Did he still something more? Yes he stole my video camera. Man that was insane. I had no idea that he would actually steal my video camera. Bu the actually did that. And I confronted him with it, and he lied straight in my face. Like fascinating. And then my mother called and threatened his mother. Or something like that. And suddenly the video camera appeared in our mail-order. In our mail.
That time I had a realization about the human nature. I realized how little I actually knew about the humans. And that everyone could hide what they experienced, and thought so very well. They could stab you in the back and not show any experience at all. So I was kind of, appalled when that happened, completely shocked at seeing that my friends. Which I trusted, and which I didn’t believe would do such a thing actually did such a thing.
I also have always feared that people are going to speak behind my back. If I say something with my friends, or do something, I fear that they will use what I did or said and speak about it later. Like bring up how I moved or how I spoke and make fun of me.
I’ve always been very interessted in what people say about me. And how people speak about me. What are the opinions that others have about me? Do others find me a cool, responsible, disciplined and expressive being? Or do others find me to be the other way around?
So that is what I can see with the word treacherous. It’s also like this experience of not being able to trust others with anything. Like I can’t trust people with sharing anything of myself. Because they will abuse it. Or that is how I have felt in my life. Then when I have shared something intimate and close, then this have been opened up as a way of abusing me.
It could be my mother. Not my father though. He didn’t do it very often. But at times when I shared my troubles with my mother. I always became ridiculed. It was like I couldn’t trust anyone to actually care for me and mean well for me. As they would do something against me in the end to get something out of me.
Like if I shared myself with my mother. She would later bring up the same subject and this time use at as a weapon to defeat me. Things I had shared because I wanted support and assistance. And then all these things got thrown back at me because my mother knew that I was weak on those points.
Yes, treacherous. I have also had the experience of people always hiding their true intentions. And that I can’t really know what anyone is planning, what anyone is thinking. And so I can go about my day and think that everything is fine. And everything is cool. And then suddenly those people which I thought I had a stable relationship with are suddenly sharing and opening up that they are not at all satisfied with me. And then some shit happens in my world. Some conflict or some bullshit.
So it’s like I have learned to always read people and attempt to understand what people are thinking about me. In a way to prepare myself for some shit that might happen in my world. Where some shit is going to open up and my world suddenly change it’s direction.
One of the first trecherous people I made friends with was Alexander. He was treacherous. He was the one that I first experienced myself decieved and used by. Though he never took any of my secrets. Or did he? No he was more someone that would in a moment when were alone be all cool with me. And i would enjoy being with him and speaking with him. And then when we where in a moment with other people he would change and he would start to use me as a way to climb in the moment and own the moment. Through saying things about me.
I remeber one time there was some shit being said. And I went into this total expeirence of fear and discomfort around alexander. And alexander said that I was almost beginning to cry. And this was like the biggest shame to me ever. To cry infront of my friends. And at that moment I felt angry at Alexander for doing such a thing to me. For being so mean in a moment towards me without me doing anything to deserve it. And after that I remember I decided that I was not going to be with Alexander anymore. And I started my period of getting back at Alexander. Which I did through ignoring Alexander. And speaking shit about Alexander.
I think it was that which I did. I decided to not be with Alexander anymore anyway. And we parted ways.
So that is what comes up with the word trecherous. Also girls comes up. I’ve had some experiences with girls where I have just, felt humiliated and embarassed.
Okay I am going to do self-forgiveness on the experience with Alexander first
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and sad when alexander used me as a way to get himself to feel superior in a moment
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing that i was hurt
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing to others that i was crying
4. I forgvie myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at alexander when he attempted to spread rumors about me in school
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decide within me that people are treacherous and will do anything to decieve me and use me to get better than me
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there where so many people around me when i started to feel uncomfortable
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when alexander spoke about me
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and ridiculed when alexander spoke about infront of my classmates
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others where thinking about me when alexander spoke about me infront my classmates
10. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to feel decieved, and blame alexander for my experience
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in alexander to care for my well-being
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that alexander would share with people what i shared with him when we where alone
13. I forgive myselft hat i have accepted and allowed myself to define people as being treacherous, due to people changing and becoming different when more people where added into a situation
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate alexander because alexander was trying to make me look bad
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take out my revenge on alexander through making alexander look bad and become picked on in the class
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that anyone would think that i cried in the classroom
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to desire to put alexander into shit
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to start speaking shit about alexander to other people in order to get alexander to become disliked in the class
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel humilated and embarassed when alexander pointed at my face and told everyone that i was crying
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as a inferiorty and a weakness
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define and see crying as something that only weak and ifnerior people do
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ridiculed and inferior when alexander spoke about me
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate alexander, because he changed around people, and used me as a way of getting more attention
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dislike alexander yet still hang around, and socialize with alexnader in the belief that i must be nice and follow through with my relationships
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constrict and limit myself and feel fearful of alexander saying anything of my behavior that might make others react in anger towards,
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that alexander was going to ridicule my body type, and judge me for being fat
27. I forgive myself that i have accepte dna dallowed myself to judge myself for being fat
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel humilated and desire to sink through my chair, when i sat in my chair and looked into the screen as alexander was saying that i was starting to cry
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear and go into total panic towards crying infront of alexander
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel betrayed and decieved by alexander
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge alexander for me becoming influenced
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge alexander for how i experienced myself in that moment
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel humilated, when alexander told me that i was beginning to cry, and fear that antonia which was also there was going to look down upon me after this
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people where going to treat me with less respect if they knew that i cried
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people where going to dislike me and treat me badly, and talk behind my back if they knew that i cried
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i can’t trust another human being again after what alexander did
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame alexander and be angry at alexander thinking that alexander used me to get higher up into the social hiearchy
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react and become influenced when alexander spoke to me
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place trust into alexander to support me and never back-stab me, in terms of using me to get a higher social reputition with others
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and llowed myself to fear being with people in fear that they are suddenly going to turn on me, and back-stab me, and use me as a way of gaining popularity with others
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being used as a picking-subject for others to feel better about themselves and to raise themselves with others
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a picking-subject
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting and gein gintimate, and expressing myself unconditonally without others, in fear of becoming a picking subject
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to be hard and unforgiving towards me
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being resented and rejected
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to be brutal and direct with me
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to attempt to ridicule and make fun of me
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want people to be and express mildness for me to feel comfortable around them
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being around people, especially males, that do not present and express mildness
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to be harsh, and direct, and yell at me
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define people speaking in a loud voice as being unfriendly, and bad, and react towards this in fear
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being around males that take up place in terms of expression
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up in the shooting range for such a male, and fear that i will be the subject chosen of humilation
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that doesn’t smile towards me
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that doesn’t present a happy and mild face towards me
56. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear people that doesn’t fear to speak and express themselves
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that aren’t afraid to say what they are thinking about
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that doesn’t sugar coat their words in attempting to speak in a way as to not hurt me
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define not sugar coating your words as being bad
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear harsh words and harsh tonality
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear any moment or situation where harshness might occur, as a conflict, as a dispyte, as anger and frustratin
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to be mild all the time in fear of creating, a reaction within another of harsness
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making another frustrated at me, and determined to lower my status with other people
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are suddenly going to ridicule me and tell something about me meant to hurt me
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hurt by my sister
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that a situation is going to develop where people are going to be harsh towards me and decide to reject me and not support me anymore
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being apart of messiness
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that a situation is going to become messy, and that i am going to loose control over a situation
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear messiness, as many things happening in one moment that i have no control over, and that i can’t perceive in one moment at once
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear messiness
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in messiness
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being organized and controlled when i express myself towards people in fear of choosing words or expressing myself in a way that might make others react in anger and frustration
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in words and behaviour without controlling myself, in fear that i am going to cause a reaction and a response within another of harshness, or anger or frustration
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not plannig and think before i express myself
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not think beforehand i express myself, in fear that i might say something that is not going to be seen as a positive in my enviroment
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating a large reaction of resentment and anger towards me in my enviroment
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as messy by others, and not expressing myself in alignement with the social conduct others see as good
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not following social conduct in fear of being judged and resented by others
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being messy and unruly and making others frustrated and angry with me
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making others frustrated and angry at me