Writing it out

So,
The end of the day is almost here. I have moved myself as breath. Stopping thoughts and stopping experiences. At certain points I would like to give up. Because the experience of being here, and all the time facing this shit is quite intense and uncomfortable.

My main experinces today has been depression, and arousal. A very hefty arousal that really is painful to experience. I experience it at the tip of my penis. I have considered many times to get laid. Though not getting laid in a matrix perspective, I have considered the possibility of an agreement. To support myself within this point of sex. And live out my desire instead of living in my desire.

The possibility for such an agreement is not here at the moment. And thus I support myself with the breath orgasm. And with simply breathing. And it does assist a lot. And after I have breathed through the intense desire I almost feel peaceful and relaxed. Wondering, how the hell did I get here from there. There experience of not being possesed with desire is a lot more different than the experience of being posssed with desire.

Other than that, my life is moving very slow. Everything is very slow. I study each day. I sub4sub each day. Other than that I don’t have much more to do. The point with helping my mother to fix one of the houses here at the farm have opened up. And so I am going to help my mother with this.

I have also written some lyrics today, I created a great song. Very catchy and very comfortable for me to sing. The lyrics are great and truly reflect who I am what I have gone through these last months. I am not satisfied with the last verse in terms of the flow of the song. But other than that. I am very satisfied. And I will keep on working with this song tomorrow. And perfect it. And then I will record it and send it to Esteni, so she will be able to sing also.

My process is moving slowly at the moment. I am facing much shit in relation to depression and apatathy. Just being here and not doing anything I experience as very tedious and uncomfortable. Listlessness have been my experience many times today. And I haven’t had something to do really. Except studying for my test. That is something that I could have done.

Structuring my day’s and living self-discipline is very cool. It’s cool to see that I can do it. Though some points I have not managed to push myself to actually do sufficiently. Like the point of studying. I am not satisfied with my expression. I would like to study more. Still I would like to keep my studying dynamic. And study several subjects at once. If I only do one task all the time I tend to get bored and agiated. So I rather do several different tasks per day in terms of studying. And in that case I am quite satisfied. What I want to work more on in terms of my studying is words, and DTK. I am going to structure my studying in a weekly schedule so I can get all the points nessecary to study everyday.

Reading, words, nog, dtk, english reading,
Actually I don’t need to do a schedule beforehand. I will make one each day. I will look at my progression with the different subjects and from there I will decide what it is nessecary for me to study on.

I have been down by the sea today and I bathed. It was very nice. There was many people there. And I suprised myself with realizing that I was very stable with all the people there. And I enjoyed myself quite a lot. Running around.
There where many children there, many mothers there. I noticed arousal towards one mother. I actually noticed arousal towards a girl living here also, that is my sisters friend.

I have considered calling Jerry today. I haven’t done it yet. I would like to do it. And yet, another part of me doesn’t want to do it. Because I somehow know already what to except and what to experience. It’s not like I have anything in common with my old friends anymore. I am completely changed. Completely different. Yet I am going to meet with my old friends simply to see who I am, and how I experience myself.

I have read some law books today also. It was quite interessting. I notice when I read these books that most of the information simply slips my mind. I have no answer as to why it is like that. It’s like the words just won’t stick. I assume that it is something I must practice. My ability to take in information. And my ability to understand information. So I will practice myself at this point through daily reading some of these school books. It will be a cool preperation for my studies.
It’s quite still in terms of what to write. It’s been very warm today. And I have been inside most of the day.

Being with my mother and my siblings again is rather painless. I do not experience much emotional shit going on. I do not notice much compromise of myself, not much change or shifts within myself.

There are still stuff moving around. But I find no point into writing them out really. I have found no point at all in writing my thoughts out or my experiences out. I can’t, it doesn’t help me to do that. Because, my experiences are only my experiences. And I have a pretty cool insight in knowing what it is that I experience. I know myself pretty well and I know what points I must direct myself and work further on.
The point of apathy and depression that comes up everyday I can’t really place as to why it comes up. It feels like I am stuck when it comes up. And I want to move myself and do something, or I feel like I have to move myself and do something. But I simply don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do anything. Stuckness could be my experience.
It could be related to how I experienced, or thought life was going to be at an early age. When I looked upon my future and saw only a grey image of survival and patterns. I was quite young when I looked at my future and felt helpless. Felt helpless towards the boredom that was before me in the system where all and everything circulated around surviving. I could see that quite clearly. How everyones life was all based around money and labour. And there was nothing more than that. People where quite stuck and imprisoned in their lifes. They had no ability to move or express themselves in ways that they wished to do. And they went to their labour everyday. Several years, and then they finally died.

It seemed like such a pointless world to me. And I just saw this eternal strife of going to work, going home, all the time being unsatisfied with self. Seeking peace in drugs and alcohol and entertainment while there within is this nagging pain of dissatisfaction.

That is what I experienced at a early age as I looked on my future. The future that was ahead of my. I talked about it to my parents. They didn’t understand what I saw. They didn’t see how limited everyone was in their expression and experience of themselves. And I realized then, that my childhood would be the only time in my life that I would be able to fully enjoy myself and be without any responsibilities.
And when my childhood was over, I would be forced to go into the system and do as everyone else was doing and slowly await my death. I didn’t want to do that.
So, yes, what more, damn, I am having such troubles writing about shit. I must really push myself to get the shit out of here.

Oh, my mail is fucking with me. I don’t know how to solve this problem. My mail has given up upon me. And my ability to be in touch with Desteni has been shut down. And I have tried to get assistance on the point but I have recieved none. So I will wait a couple of more days and then I will charge in with the heavy cavilry, or why the fuck wait by the way. I will do it know. So I get my mail up and running again.
Being home with my mother and my family is not as enjoyable as being at the forum. There is not as much laughter here. There is not as much unpredictability here, there is not as much openess and intimacy here. Being with people here I feel more alone and lost. It’s like I can’t explain to anyone what I am going through here. And nobody is understanding me at all.

I have thought today about what Bernard said to Kristina, about her manifesting a relationship in her life to get dick. Lol, it sounds funny putting it that way. She wanted to have dick. And Bernard told her that she would have to manifest that dick into her life. And that is what I must do also. Manifest a pussy into my life. Writing this, somehow it feels more wrong to me to say that I want a pussy. Than for a girl to say that she wants a dick.

It’s like the male have been tagged as this sexual abuser, and that anyform of expression towards wanting pussy is tagged and seen as abuse. While the women is free to express any desire or want and it won’t be seen with any disgust. It will rather be seen as seductive, and couragous. While a man expressing such will be seen as embarassing, and weak. A man being caught with his pants down is often potrayed as weak and inferior and ashamed. A women being caught naked or with her pants down, is often potrayed as seductive and desirable. Fascinating how these pictures are played out in movies and shit like that.

Yes, so,
I’ve been thinking about my writing. Why my writing isn’t as structured and perfect as Marlens. It’s something I have tried to work on. To change the way that I write. But when I do attempt to change it I loose the flow of my writing. And I can’t really write about anything at all. Writing is really a strange medium.
Anyway,

So, what’s more up in the life of Viktor. What is going down. I have pretty much covered how I have experienced myself during the day that has been playing out. I am going to make a new video tonight, and as such I need a topic that I am going to speak about.

My agreement with Anna might be a topic.

So have am I going to deal with this. What did go wrong in the agreement with Anna. Firstly I wasn’t stable. Yet that wasn’t really the issue, because I mean stability isn’t really needed to create a cool agreement. What is needed is self-support, a cool communication is needed in a agreement. For a agreement to work there must be something more than sex.

You can’t only have sex in a agreement and excpect it to work. Everything isn’t about sex and that is something you will notice in a relationship and in a agreement. And if you can’t speak and enjoy yourselfs when there is no sex. Then you have a problem. And it’s not like. It’s not possible to correct such an experience of not being able to communicate. Because it is very much possible to correct such an experience.

But what I did in the agreement was that I didn’t push myself to support myself effectively. Other than that I can’t really see much of what I did. I mean sex was something that I abused in the agreement. Because everything became around sex, and I became completely possesed by sex. Wanting to have sex all the time. And that’s not cool. Sex should be self-directed and not a possesion. I enjoyed the sex a lot though. And we had lot’s of fun when we had sex. But I did use Anna, I wanted to use Anna, for sex. And Anna wanted to be used for sex. I didn’t feel like I did something wrong at that time. Maybe I didn’t do something wrong, or actually I didn’t do something wrong. I was acting out my pre-programming. Ye, there was no equality in the sexual expression. There was no clear agreement between us and no clear communication in terms of how we wanted to experience ourselves. What we wanted to do. And how we experienced ourselves. It was very much silent. Like all my other relationships. Which have also been based solely on sex.

It’s fascinating all my relationships have been created around sex. Not one of them have been created through something else than sex. Like communication for instance. I have wanted sex in each of my relationships, and that have sort of been the main target. And I would find a girl that I could easily control, and easily get what I wanted from. That I wouldn’t face and conflict with or any uprising with. But a girl that would do as I wanted her to do. And then I would have sex. Lot’s of sex. And the sex would be enjoyable. But there was never something more than sex.
Maybe that is the abuse point. That I always just wanted sex and never really ever, had in mind anything else but sex. There was never any plan to support, or stand or share, or do anything else but to have sex. And when the mission had been accomplished I lost the energy. So the abuse is to go into a agreement solely from the point of wanting sex. And also, keeping this a secret, and manipulating the other to believe that there is more involved than actually sex.

But I did enjoy myself together with Anna, I had a great time many times. And I did enjoy to be around her and speak with her. But still I didn’t push myself to expand on this point of communication. On this point of interact and doing other things than having sex. Which is very important to develop and establish a cool agreement.