Delusion

Okay I’m finally out of the delusion to get a new computer. Okay I say fuck getting anything new. Instead of thinking about what I need to get I am going to do music and videos. And that’s it. Nothing more but that.

So, the more things I get the more problems I get. The better i try to make things the harder it becomes for me to do things. The more stuck I become. This time I will focus upon the music that I am doing. And I am going to compose and do music instead of thinking about what new shit I need to get. This fucking computer is fucking sufficient. It has proved this to me several times. Just that I get stuck in this fucking mind and then go out on a mind journey and waste time instead of doing what must be done. Which is music. Placing words and music on the internet, now, fast, the music must be done now.
Okay, thank you. No more procrastination. I work with what is here. Until it is done.

So that is what i’ve realized today. That I’ve wasted lot’s of time wanting this gotdamn new computer. And nothing really changes. Because this computer is fucking working for me. So that’s it.
Ok, done.

I resist writing today. Which is natural. Because it actually assists me to write and express myself this way. And obviously it will be something that I resist. I am programmed to destroy myself in all ways. And programmed to never ever love myself, enjoy myself or have fun with myself. Programmed to go through life giving all my time to slowly destroying myself. It won’t happen that way. I am going to live instead.

So for day’s i’ve applied lot’s of self-forgiveness on fear. And i’ve reached a point of not that much fear. Which I find very cool and enjoyable. Because i’ve been posssesed with fear for so long. This time I actually reached a point of not existing in fear all the time around people. Which is a very comfortable new change into my world.

I have had some feelings of my father, hmm, fuck this. Okay, so i am quite satisfied with my application with self-forgiveness. I have truly taken some points to transcendence this time. It has been a joy. And i’ve been able to communicate and direct myself, and have fun with people again. A much mores table experience of myself have appeared. Where I have been able to break through certain ideas of myself and actually express and enjoy myself with people. Something that I thought to be impossible just a couple of days ago. But being here, faced with people all the time have truly forced me to consider that it’s possible to let go of all fear and start yet again. And that is what i’ve done.

So i’ve wasted some time being lost in delusions. But I am going to take back that time now through beginning to produce music sincerely and everyday. It’s going to be me point of discipline. As are my writing and my sub4sub and my studies. My music is not going to be advanced. I will simply have a guitar in my music. Okay, I won’t begin with this shit. I now where that will go. Simply like this I put it. Music is my point of self-responsibility towards myself. To everyday move and work with music. And the video to be done with the music. And that is now done.

I’ve had a interessting chat with Anna today. Where I have managed to direct Anna very effectively. Anna is facing the point of giving up on herself. And I realize that I must push this point for the agreement to last. Because this is the point that Anna might fall upon and give up totally on. And this is the point that will bring Anna through to a point of stability in her process. Which I know must be dealt with. It’s a important point. And I am going to support and push Anna to deal with this point. It’s important to have a pusher in the beginning. When you are not yet able to stand by yourself. Just as Bernard have pushed me. And I realize how desperate Bernard must be when he see’s that everything is simply stuck. And that it’s up to him to get things moving.

Or he might not be desperate. It’s a strange word to use. More a realization that if I don’t do anything nothing will actually happen. And no movement is going to take place. That is what I realized with Anna. That i must push this point of smoking else nothing will move and everything is going to stay the same. And Anna is going to keep fucking herself into this loop of smoking.

So my day has been a slow day. I’ve enjoyed being with my father, Ann, and Peter. Because i’ve been much more calm. I’ve enjoyed speaking with Peter and hearing what people say. Lot’s of interesting conversation objects came up. Where Peter showed lot’s of insight and direct observations. He simply see’s much from a perspective of consequence. From a perspective of input equals output. Which was very cool to see. Where he could place himself in the shoes of various beings without any judgement and simply see what had created their expression and their life. Fascinating. And I enjoyed very much to listen to the perspectives because it was very much common sense.

It was fun meeting my father also. Many reactions have become less with my father and with Peter. And it’s like i’ve become a changed man only in the few days in which I have been here. Only in these few days in which I’ve applied self-forgiveness and written like a crazy baboon. I am moving myself very fast. At least when I apply exstensive amounts of self-forgiveness. As I see. I see the result of my specific self-forgiveness. Because now I can actually stop the reactions and correct them still in calm. Not loosing myself in the reaction. Simply stopping it completely and breathing.

And that is what i’ve done today and what i’ve gone through today. Not a very special day. Not a very unspecial day. I’ve gone through and i’ve breathed the entire day. Simply applying myself.

I’ve noticed that i am getting much more silent and quiet within me. And that I can enjoy these moments with myself when I don’t have anything to do. When I am just lying with myself in my bed without having anything that i am going to do. Those moments are nice. When I just feel the bed under me. And I am just satisfied with Breathing and lying down. But I know that I can’t be satisfied. I must move me to change this existence and myself. And if I don’t do that there will be no satisfacation. Satisfaction comes from action. And I have now realized my actions. Time for actions. Fuck money and buying shit. I don’t need that shit to move myself.

And that is what i have to say to myself today. I don’t have anything else. I have realized the points in where I fucked myself and I will correct them through moving myself. Tomorrow I am also going to have a chat with resonances which is going to be enjoyable. And tomorrow the real school is beginning. And I am going to buy new math books. And see which books I am going to be using.

I really enjoy this venture of becoming a law-man. Because it exposes me to so many challenging and new activities. Like math. I really enjoy to do math.
Okay so this is it for today. Thanks.