Fame and fucking up

Hello my dear computer, and my dear white screen on which I can place black pixels forming shapes that are called syllabaels. Through which I can create words through which I can live and express.

It's fascinating. Today have been a slow day. Quite many thoughts came up. Strange thoughts, lot's of anger towards my mom. I worked through it all with self-forgiveness. With my mother I still feel a little afraid and uncomfortable. Sometimes because of the way she is. Blame. I saw it there. Anyway. Moving on. I react to the way she is in feeling uncomfortable. I react to the way she pronounces words and directs questions towards me. In that I feel uncomfortable and trapped within myself. And I create this experience within myself. Just to make clear so I don't shift any responsibility here.

Reading talamons blog is fascinating and fun. I enjoy his expression. He seems to have much fun. And he seems to fuck a lot also. So much about fucking recently in my life. Recently I have actually been fucking also. And writing alot about fucking. And Talamon is also writing a lot about fucking. And how he feels like his partners is effective within sexual expression. Don't really know what that means. Being effective within sexual expression. Might be that you don't experience much reactions and experiences but simply express yourself here. I consider that being effective expression.

Some days before I came home from copenhagen, and I have been struggling with my studies. And I have been making music. The music point has been much influenced by dreams and thoughts. And I build these castles for myself all the time. Only to after a few days realize that they are simply castles made of sand and not real. And I want to write about the aim with my music here now. But I am not in the mood to write it all out again. I simply want to let these thoughts go now and direct myself within the moment as what is nessecary to be done and not complicate my life unnessecarily. But simply get this done.

So the music. Yes, not much to write about it. I am very much influenced by the entire culture of recording. And I have realized how much money goes into this buisness of recording. To actually get yourself out there, and to record your material in a way that is considered by the professionals as being good. It costs lots, and lots, and lots of fucking money. Money that I do not have. And thus I will have to do this another way.

These artists being seen and visible to all in the world. The super artists, it's strange why just them became these super artists. There is like no real being, or guy, that has through music simply made a success out of himself because he is so fucking good. It's almost more luck than being good. Because there are so many musicians that are extremely talented, and good that never get any attention at all. While others that are, actually rather sucky, gets extreme amounts of attention. So it's strange to see how it works. Getting out with music in this world really requires something special and unique. And a great recording is one of the things that is needed. Something I am working on. I am just going to get all this bullshit out of my way before I can do it. And by bullshit i mean thoughts, dreams and future projections. So I can work with what is here in my physical reality and forget about the dream reality in my mind. That isn't fucking real.

I haven't met anyone today. I have been suprised at how I am suddenly a lot more stable in everything I do. Like without any real thing happening or so on, just more stable. Don't know why. And I have the same application as always. Maybe it is this consistency of writing everyday that has made the difference. Anyway it's cool to be stable and not be so possesed with thoughts. I actually have reached a point where I enjoy getting up in the morning. Where I don't have any particular experience towards getting up. I just get my lazy but out from the bed the minute I wake up. And it's working good.

I have decided to sing covers with Anna. That is going to be one of the ways to make attention in this world. The attention I want to make with my music. There is still shit connected to this. It's not a action done unconditionally within the realization that this is how I will be able to support most effectively. It's still desires within this decision. And when Bernard spoke about, the thing that, everyone will have to loose something. Give up one thing. My thoughts immedietly went to music lol. That I will have to give up music. And maybe I will have to give up music as the system changes and everything changes. Because it is certain as bernard says. There are forces at work that I am not aware of yet. And it's inevetiable.

Pretty nice to simply end this world as it currently exist so we can get on with something real. I have no problem to give up anything in my life really. I could give up music. I could give up my computer. I could give up sex. Smoking I gave up. Showering. Bathing. Singing and playing guitar. I could actually give up all. I don't hold any particular value to anything. Though I would like to continue doing anything.

One of the points that I want to get out of my system as soon as possible is the point of fame. Because it's really messing with me. And as Bernard said. The point of fame holds the reason as to why I go into depression at points. Fame. Game. Shame. Lame. The same. The name. Fame, name, game.

aim. I am. Fat I am. Fair I am. Something like that. I am F I Am. FUCK I AM. FRAME. FRAME I Am. Yes, fame , the thing I wanted to be as I grew up. And the thing I saw myself to be as I grew up. There was always something I wanted to become. A hockey pro, a director, a bandy pro. Always a pro is what I wanted to become. And to be visible in television and to hear people speak about me. My dream was to become famous. And it's this desire to become famous that has made it impossible for me to be creative on my own. Like today, I saw a movie, and I saw just some simple shit in this movie going on. It was like bugs crawling on something.

And it reminded me that I actually like to do movies. It reminded me how much I like to play with pictures. Yet, I have never been able to play with pictures. Play with artistic expression without wanting an orgasm. And the orgasm being that I present this artistic expression for another that in turn likes what I have done. It's never been enough to do it only for myself. I have seen no point to do it only for myself.

Doing artistic shit. It's quite a lot of hard work to be artistic. And do artistic shit. Before when I was young I found so fascinating and fun to play around with images and words, and sounds. Then I suddenly created this desire to make this my job in this world. Where I would become a expert at making sounds, visions, and stuff, music, and be liked for it. As I would make my artistic expressions in a way that everyone would like to hear them. And this is now so ingrained. That each-time I do something. A artistic expression. It's not for myself. But it's for. A energy. I mean I can't do anything for myself. I can do something for another as myself. When I simply express myself and show this to another without at any time fluctuating in energy.

But I have wanted to get and experience energy when I did all of these things. And maybe my desire to express myself artistically still holds this desire to save the world, and still holds this desire to influence people in a specific way.

I remember when I saw documentery movies. It was fascinating to me. I liked the time went down into doing such a movie. And I liked how the movies turned out. And I wanted to become such a movie maker. So that I would be able to visit different places and make success with my expression with people.

Letting go of my desire to be famous would probably be very liberating for me. I don't know. Yes I do know. It would be liberating. But how do I let go of my desire. And is there actually a liberation to reach? I speak here in terms of my music. Where I have decided to express myself and go towards a certain nische with my music. Where I will focus only on accoustic instruments. I did that because I feel that is where I have a chance to break through with my music. I looked at how I experienced others music when I took that decision. I wanted to make music like cornelis vreeswijk. And I wanted to have contact with many musicians. It's this desire that keep on repeating itself. And that I keep on participating in. Where I just can't make the music for myself as all as one. Where I just can't express my music for myself as all as one.

The only solution I see is to continue to do music. And be unconditional. Not place any conditions upon myself and the music I can make. Though, this is also based upon thinking about my music. Thinking. God this music is fucking possesing me and my entire life. I simply can't just be here a entire day without once thinking about music.

Yes, my mission is clear here in terms of my desire for my and desire to succed within music. To let go of all points of ego and emotional crap in relation to making music and playing music. Because only then will I be able to express myself unconditionally, and enjoy myself unconditionally within music. And then to simply stop all thought processes. All wonderings here and there, and just allow myself to remain here and not be cast away by these thoughts. i don't need these thoughts to be here. I don't need thoughts to make music. I don't need emotions and feelings to make music. I don't need these constant plans, or so called plans and projections to be able to express and move myself here. No more fucking thinking. I have had enough of it. I remain here now and allow me to enjoy myself here. And let go of all thoughts because it's basically the thoughts fucking up everythin.