Heeeeeerree

Yo mutherfukker!

Writing and support. I am tired. I don't want to write really. But I do write because it is good for me. Today I have been living discipline. It's the only word I am living at the moment that I am truly attempting to live. It get's a lot easier and I am doing quite well. I do overestimate my capability of taking on certain projects at times. Because I think about all the things I am to take on in my mind and then it doesn't become as I wish for it to become. The result, and the physical action of doing is not in equality with my thoughts of doing.

Todays point of extreme resistance has been to write my equal money book. I have literally been in pain as I wrote it. Because it requires focus, dedication, concentration to write specifically and choose each word. It's not how I usually express myself in the written word. When I write to others I must be very specific in how I place the words. Specific so that I don't repeat information or place words gramatically incorrect. It's quite a task to formulate the concept into words and it is much as math. Much as how I experience math to be when I am doing it. Like I am grasping air. I am grasping something that isn't there and then I must take this nothingness and squeeze something into and out on the paper. And then it becomes what i've written.

Though I am satisfied. And I will keep writing this way. Like article based writing instead of writing for the equal money book. And I will share it on my blog and the forum. Because it assists me to write those things. It is interessting to practice writing having in mind that someone else is going to read it. Because it changes everything. When I write I must also consider to not use the same words many times in a row. I want my writing to be dynamic and shifting. Like colours spread out on a pallet. And I want to use all colours in shifting intensity to give a bright and interessting landscape.

So that is what i've been doing today. And I've also been doing my usual things. That are SRA, studying, music and sub4sub. I had quite a nasty situation with my mother today where I entered some kind of personality of rebellion. Because I didn't want to satisfy her wishes as what she wanted me to do. And I noticed I didn't want to be less than her. I didn't want to feel like I was having the least intelligent thing to say.

With my mother it has been pretty intense these last days. With my mother coming into my room. Starting to criticise me. These times, or this time I've stated that it's enough and i've simply let myself go berserk in terms of expressing myself in the moment to get my mother to leave my room. Because I won't allow that shit. I just can't allow. I hate it and despise it when my mother speaks to me that way. Fascinating way of expressing myself. As I didn't hate my mother. I hated it. And I despised it. And it might very well be my own self-expression in a moment with my mother. Where I simply hate my own inability to direct myself in a moment. And where I allow moments to play out of abuse that I don't need to allow in my world and in my life.I don't need to allow any abuse in my world or in my life from anyone. It's a lie that I must allow abuse from anyone.

So, today I enter some kind of personality. And I felt a bit angry that my mother was coming home and taking for granted that I would do all she asked of me to do. When it was her decisions. She had taken decisions that would require some labour to ge through. And then she had simply decided that she was going to go out and take a tour with her horse. And that made me somewhat angry. Which I realize is a reaction of the mind. Not being here as the moment but taking in mind-shit within the moment and thus not seeing the moment for what it is.

Okay, that's it for today. Bye