Helo

Today I’ve been very tired, and lazy at some parts. Even though I am acting and moving myself very consistently almost all the time I am not satisfied to rest any day really. It’s like I’ve had enough of resting and lying down and now I simply want to make my time as effective as possible. Do as much things as I can and plan my time as effectively as possible to simply reach a new state of being. Both here individually with myself, and globally.

I am the stand for equality. What I accept will become what I experience. Globally. It’s really simple. I am what I will experience. If I allow myself to exist as energy and as a mind-conciousness system I will also expereince that as a child again.
So that is what I’ve been going through today. When I woke up I stayed in bed this day. I just couldn’t get myself up from the bed. It was quite unusual. I am usually not like that anymore. But this day it was very hard to get myself up from the bed and I slept again. Which has lead to me, feeling almost down the entire day. Never really waking up. But having a sort of sleepiness infront of my eyes.

Anyway, I read a book to keep myself awake. And after a couple of minutes I was ready to get up. And i started to study. I studied for several hours until I was satisfied. And then I went to bed again to rest. The rest after I have studied. Or the middle day rest is a valid rest. That is the time of the day when I have already moved myself a lot. And the body is actually saying, hey, I would like to lie down. So I lied down to read.

I have decided to stop watching movies and only read from now on. Simply because I am pushing my vocabulary skills, and I am pushing myself in all possible and imaginable ways to excell at the test which I have placed upon myself to do. I have realized that I can, I have the possibility of failing. I mean, I always have the possibility of failing. But what I mean is that, I will still be able to apply for a high-school, and move myself towards the profession I have intended for myself. I will probably take that route if I can’t get myself to reach a sufficient score on the test. But I will take that decision then. At the moment I stick with my plan to excell at this test and place myself at the education which I am to walk. It is the easiest path to walk.
So, I’ve been enter the depression today. And I made no effort to get out of it. I went back to sleep. Woke up. But I was still very much existing in depression. And it lasted till about 2ó clock. Then suddenly I was out of it. There seemed to be no real reason behind it. I was just out of it.

So this entire day I have felt sleepy, and lagging behind. And i’ve slept a lot this day. A lot more than usual. It’s strange that somedays just become these days of apathy and lazyness. It was long since I had one of these days.
Anyway, enough of that. I will simply get myself out of bed when I wake up. And if I experience extreme resistance, a usefull solution is to sit down and write until I have gotten myself out of it. Usually it’s a stupid small point that I must just write out to be able to snap out of it and get back into reality. Simply sitting down. And suddenly the feeling isn’t there anymore. That’s how i’ve dealt with it so far. Self-forgiveness on depression haven’t assisted me that much. Maybe because depression in itself doesn’t exist. But depression is simply a couple of amalgamated and accumulated energies.

Anyway. That’s what i’ve been doing today. I’ve today been facing fear yet again. After a day of complete stability fear has yet again moved within me. I become fucking tired of it. This time I’ve seen how specifically my behaviour change around people and how this fear influence me. It’s easy to see by observing myself in fear. And then observing myself without fear. Observing myself with people and then observing myself with no people. When with people I am much more controlling. Much more strict. I am not looking at any sides. I am looking straight ahead. I don’t move my pupils. I keep a one look, and I walk in one direction. Then when the people are gone I yet again open up, begin to look around, and move myself more relaxed, and more flexible.

I also applied self-forgiveness with Anna today. It assisted me a lot. Because i’ve carried a lot of judgements and secrets towards Anna. That I have not have the courage to forgive infront of Anna. This time though I pushed those fears. And I realized how much I have actually been hiding from Anna. There is enermous amounts of secrets in all kinds of fashions that i’ve hidden. I hide them because I fear how Anna would react if she knew them. I feared to hurt, Anna. And that has been the main reason that I’ve not expressed my secret thoughts. But they have accumulated in the background.

So it was nice to lett hem go and express them with Anna. And completly face that fear of writing all these things out, about Annas body, about Annas age, about everything. And simply let it go. So it was very usefull to me and I enjoyed it alot. To just push through that barrier that you think you can’t push through because there is to much fear. But then you simply act and move yourself and totally disregard any fear because you have decided that you are going to move yourself no matter what. I mean that is fucking fun and fucking cool. That is real living. Where you push through any limitation, and any fear, no matter what. No matter what will happen, you simply won’t allow yourself to be controlled or limited. So that is really funny.

I wonder how it’s going to be when Anna come here. I enjoy that we each day sit down to chat with each-other and simply work together with the points. It’s a real commitment from both of us to walk this agreement. And it shows that agreement goes beyond sex, and beyond pictures. It’s actually a support for who we are as life. And not a value judgement. Which is very cool.
We are walking this agreement beyond any and all limitation. And I am going to walk this fully in every breath, breaking through all limitations, and all relationshit things, I simply won’t accept it. I am going to walk as this constant pushing for expansion, expanding myself in all parts of my life. Not accepting myself to remain limited in any area, or in anyway, or with anyone.

So I am very tired now, yet this small text have assisted me a lot to write. Thank you