Sex and other stuff

Today I have gone into a resistance period of living. Because my way of living is very, very planned at this moment with shit that I dislike to do. Like studying. Like sub4subing, it's repetitive stuff that must be done. And I resist doing them. But then i realize that there is really nothing else to do but do this shit.

Watching movies an entire day is just boring. Making music an entire day makes you sick. Literally sick. You feel like you can't take it anymore. And lying down in the bed an entire day. That's just boring also. And writing and entire day. Well, boring. So I am stuck with doing boring shit. In this boring reality. Lol. That is the experience. Boring stuff in a boring reality filled with boring things. And here I am. Forced to participate in all this boring shit. Lol.

So today I have made music. And I have written. And I am to apply self-forgiveness. Which I experience resistance towards. Just as I experience resistance towards sub4subing and writing myself out. It's like everything that is useful and good for me is things I experience resistance towards doing.

Making music today was lot's of fun. I have decided to become good at making music. And I will produce my music myself. I also discovered that I could sing in various cool ways. I had quite some time enjoying myself exploring my voice. That is like quite versatile if used in the correct way. The correct amount of air, the correct amount of bodily push must be used. And then the perfect voice comes out. Very dynamic. And I can make songs and lyrics very interessting through using my voice in this dynamic way. So it's like I realized my voice as myself today in a way. And I realize what Bernard meant about balance. Which is basically me hearing my voice. And hearing me within my voice. And through that standing in balance with the physical and expressing myself in equality with the physical. Feeling every part of my physical. Communicating with my physical. And through that being able to push exactly the right amount of air through my lungs and into my mouth and out. It's very cool.

I worked a lot with music today and I am already getting a lot better at the program. I will make that a priority point. To become really fricking awesome at making music. So I will be able to record really fricking cool music that can be played on radio. I just need fucking money to do it. And money is not something that I currently have access to. But at the moment I don't require it. I must first get better at using this program. Better at recording with the stuff I already have.

I have been very stable today. I meet a girl today which I felt was very expressive and alive. It was cool seeing girls that was like that. Not as conformed as the regular swedish people are. American people are more expressive and outgoing than swedish are. Especially their younglings. And they participate with adults in a different way. It was cool to see. I saw some life in those people. Like some real unconditional expression. And Svante seems to have lived some really cool things in his life.

A moment pops up for writing out. A moment where I was asked by my mother if I thought that the American visitors job was interessting. I answered yes. It brought up some shit right now. In terms of me thinking if I answered yes only in fear of answering no. There was some stuff going on in that front. The front of attempting to please and look interessted. It's quite hard for me to simply express as an equal in this moment. Naturally. But I did think that his profession was interessting. It was cool to hear about it. Though they didn't seem to think that it was so.

I experienced strange sensations with Svantes wife. First of all she seemed to like me very much. And we both laughed and enjoyed ourselves at the same things. It was fun being around her. I like looking intensly into peoples eyes when I first meet them. That is like the most fun thing to do. To just look really straight into another beings eyes. Anyway, I started to experience myself quite uncomfortable with her wife. And I had thoughts coming up, of, should I look at her or not. I felt like I avoided to look at her. Maybe I got afraid of the intimacy we experienced.

Later, i thought that maybe she wanted to have sex with me. And because of that she started to avoid me or feeling uncomfortable around me. Or maybe I wanted to control her somehow. It was something going on in that moment. And what I did was. That I simply remained here and I breathed through any reactions and experiences. And I didn't attempt to control myself in anyway. I simply remained here. Which was fun for me to do. Because I experienced myself quite stable and grounded.

What more have been going on today. i have been writing letters with Anna. Lol, I wrote a letter to her about sex. And then the entire fucking day this embarassement, guilt or some shit have come up in relation to this letter. And each time I've had to stop and breath. But it comes up again. And it has to do what I wrote in the letter about sex. And also I feared what Annas response might be to my letter.

The response came after a while and it was very simple and clear. And I wrote back a letter here in the moment. Simply writing with Anna is assisting for me and our agreement, is becoming more real. An agreement. That is what might, or this will work between us. Because we are compatible with each-other.

I had strange stuff coming up in me also while I made music today. Stuff about anger and frustration towards anna for not singing the way I wanted her to sing. And I also felt like the music wasn't becoming as good as I wanted it to become. Like the music was lacking a great lot. I noticed that I hadn't recorded it very well. It was to little sound i my recordings, and because of that the final product became bad.

And also I noticed the subtilities in singing. Especially with Annas voice, but also with mine. Really subtle stuff. Tonalities being of and such. So I decided I wanted it to be a lot better before I record it. I want to record it again. And go through the songs again. Record them in a studio this time. Because these songs will be like. The songs we release on a album. So I just make half-versions of them at the moment. And then later I will make the real versions. As I record the material in a better room. And more specifically. I am getting a lot better at it.

okay, so where was I. Yes anger at Anna. Strange anger i noticed came up several times. At special tonalities and ways, sounds that Annas voice did. And then thoughts of judgement came upon that. Like, Ah, she is making a fool out of herself, she is just trying to show off. Strange. lol, okay.

Anyway. I am not satisfied with two of our songs. They are not cool enough of recorded. I think one of the songs we did will be cool enough to make something of, I will see later.

Okay, so that's it for today on the front of writing. i feel like all my day has come to pass. Self-forgiveness. Today i will work on this embaressment I feel towards Anna.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed towards Anna
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed and ashamed for writing about sex to anna
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might have written something morally wrong to Anna
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of speaking my thoughts and my experiences to Anna
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide and supress my experiences with Anna
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for writing to Anna about how I want to experience sex
7. I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed and bad for desiriing sex
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to anna in terms of having sex
9. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than anna when i have sex with anna
10. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to do some mistake in the agreement
11. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to say something that is wrong or do something that is wrong
12. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear unconditionally sharing myself with anna in fear that what i share will be conditional and bad
13. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when anna notices and points out a point of conditions within my behaviour
14. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed over myself for wanting to commit a buisness deal with anna
15. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed, and connect guilt and shame and embarassment to the word of buisness deal
16. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that anna is going to be more directive than me
17. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won't be able to be intimate with anna
18. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won't be able to be vurnable with anna
19. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having fun with anna
20. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allwed myself to fear what anna might think of what i think, what i write, what i experience
21. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear living without any thoughts
22. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear living without any secrets
23. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anna is going to judge me or dislike me if i write out everything that i experience and think as i write to her
24. i forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to seperate myself from anna
25. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anna is going to think that i am to addicted to sex
26. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anna is going to dislike me and think that i am morally inferior due to having a desire to have sex
27. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to become sexually abusive
28. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to become sexually possessed
29. i forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear that i am going to share something with anna, that anna thinks is bad
30. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being bad
31. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i have exposed myself
32. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to anna, and sharing myself unconditionally with anna, in fear that anna is going to think that i am fucked up and weird and not want to be in a agreement with me anymore
33. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing all of myself to everyone in this world
34. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that my thoughts, my experiences are bad and that exposing them is something bad
35. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself without thinking or censoring myself in anyway when i speak to anna
36. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to censor myself when i speak to people
37. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to censor myself when i speak to anna, in fear of expressing myself as how i really experience myself, and waht i really think, in fear that anna then is going to reject and leave me
38. i forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear exposing myself
39. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to write or express something when i speak or write with anna that is going to make anna frustrated and angry with me
40. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with how annas voice is sounding
41. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge anna for how anna sings
41. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when anna whispers with her voice
42. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated that anna doesn't sing as how i want her to sing
43. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that anna would sing differently
44. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think about the mail i sent to ann where i explained how i would like to experience sex and feel ashamed and embarassed over myself for expressing how i would like to experience sex
45. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge fucking as being bad
46. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge fucking as being not soulful and deep
47. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge fucking as a bad, and wrong action to take
48. i forgive myself that i have acceopted and allowed myself to judge fucking as something that you are not allowed to speak or write about
49. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge wanting to fuck in specific ways as being bad
50. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge speaking about wanting to fuck in specific ways as being bad
51. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as a holy action, that is of love, and that you can't speak about, because it must happen automatically and in silence
52. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear and be ashamed of showing anyone that i desire to have sex
53. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and embarassed of asking anna to have sex with me
54. i forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed over myself as a man, and feel like i am the sexual abuser and the bad guy when it comes to sex
55. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like the bad guy, the abusive guy, in comparison to the women in terms of sex
56. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am as a man less pure than a women
57. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to believe that i am as the physical expression of a man less innocent than the physical expression of a women
58. i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the essence of equality that exists in all physical expressions
59. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am being bad through writing, speaking about sex
60. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mentioning sex is bad
61. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define love as being better than sex
62. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to women and say that i want to love and care, within the belief that love and care is better than having sex
63. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as a low life expression that is something less than speaking, or showering, or simply walking
64. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make sex something more than it is
65. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when i have sx
66. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad after having sex
67. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to strange while having sex
68. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that it's abusive and wrong to have sex
69. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only valid reason to have sex is when you are going to pro-create yourself
70. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrong over being aroused
71. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrong over having a hard-on
72. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrong over having sexual thoughts
73. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am unpure and not innocent because i have a hard on and sexual thoughts
74. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow me to be mind-controlled into believing that sex is bad and wrong and a act of evil
75. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that you destroy yourself through having sex
76. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that you will go to hell through having sex
77. i forgive myself that i have accepted anda llowed myself to think that desire and arousal must be controlled, and if i let go for any moment, then i will go to hell
78. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that it's wrong to let go during sex
79. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that it's wrong to elt go
80. i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that sex is simply another expression of myself

I am here
I am sex
I am hard-on
I am penis
I am penetration
I am human physical body
I am expression as the physical as breath
I allow me to let go and have fun and explore myself within sex and within life

it's done