Some Desires coming up

So, hello blog. Though communication method to reach other people. Reaching out to all these angry and depressed souls, which I don't mean literally, only as a way of speaking. Reaching out to you poor fellow man that is fucking angry and is feeling helpless. I got the solution. It's to forgive yourself. And write yourself to freedom! Solution is found. Now simply apply it until you can let go of your anger and sadness! That's what I did.

So where am I within my process of purificition. Today was a strange day. Because I was so silent all the time. For no apparent reason. Just silence in most of my interactions with other people. I mean I was very fucking stable. Don't know why. Suddenly I was just very stable. And I ventured through my day being stable. Doing all the things I had told myself to do. And now I am here lying in my bed. Writing about all the things that I have done today.

The most prominent thought pattern that I've faced today has been around my new computer. The computer that my father brought here, and that I said I was going to do music and edit video on. It turns out that my current computer is actually more suitable. And it is actually quite fine. So I will have to call my dad tomorrow and tell him that. The computer he brought here is not sufficient. And that the best will be to simply leave it where it is. As attempting to sell it. It would bring cash. Yes, around 3000, I am uncertain if anyone would buy. I am going to bring it up to my dad.

I noticed that I many times felt guilty, and bad that I asked my dad to bring the computer here. And he have decided to come down here to help me even further with it. And now I am rejecting the help. How bad that is. Or this is what I am pre-programmed to think. But I am pushing for self-honesty. And in self-honesty I see that I don't need this computer.

I also felt guilty that my father had bought a new cord for me, and droven all the way here with the computer. Like a guilt that I brought this entire project to start. When I in the end realize that I don't really need the computer at all. What I learn from this is to do some research before I actually start to move things around in my world. As this will save me from a lot of moving. And a lot of physical unnessecary labour. I mean, why connect any other feeling or emotion to this event other than what the event is physically. And physically, practically, this event is that a lot of movement has been done. Yet in the end it's realized that the movement has been to no avail. Because the hardware, the point of movement wasn't sufficient. I should have checked that before. It would have saved me a lot of trouble. But I wouldn't have faced this point of self-direction though. So I stop this computer journey tomorrow. Because I realize that it won't support me. Selling it is something that I can still do and that will still support me.

Other than that a few pestering thoughts have been thoughts around buying new musical equipment. Yet again, I can't seem to let go of this shit. It became activated yet again when the prospect opened up in my world of becoming rich. Oh, god, there was much shit that surfaced as I realized that I can become rich. It was like a shit-storm of desires came up that I had supressed because I never thought I would be able to satisfy them. And suddenly this points opens up where I am told that I will be rich. And not a little rich. But very rich. And it's like all these fantasies suddenly come to life.

And I am very much aware of the fantasies. They have to do with music and building my own musical studio. I still desire to have my own little appartment and life, because that is what a studio is representing to me. It's a escape from reality where I can stand and make music and not pay attention to what is going on outside my little house at all. I am in a giant play-house. And I have all the things I want to have to be able to play-around. Everything that I desire can materialize infront of my eyes. That has been a dream I remember. As a young boy I remember that I desired to be able to materialize things out of thin air. And I remember that I desired to materialize toys, and the things that I wanted. And I was quite dissepointed that I couldn't materialize them out of thin air. That there was no possibility for me to do so at all.

But now when money comes in as a oppurtunity. Oh god, suddenly I can materialize what I want in every way. Because money is the good. It is the god of this reality. And are you aligned with god. Sitting on gods right side, lol, then you have everything. It's quite a big responsibility to own lot's of money in this reality.

Anyway. So i've realized the importance of working with what is here in all ways. Of not going into the mind to project myself into the future. But to always when I move myself, move myself from what I already have here. And from what is reasonable to be able to manifest here. If I don't do that. Then I am going to stand still and stomp into the ground. As I wait for my future to manifest so I can begin to move myself. That is pro-crastination. It doesn't work like that. Self-movement is here. And that is the important thing.

I've realized how important it is that I move myself with my internet participation. That is how I am going to bring in music, and vlogging and blogging. And I will have time to do it on the weekends. Music that is. Maybe some on the weekdays. What I don't want though is to think about it. I don't want any fear at all to be connected to my participation. I simply want to do it in the moment, and when I am done I want to be able to let it go. And nothing remains of what I just did.

At the moment I notice I am still thinking to much about what to do, when to do it, how to do it. It's still not only a expression that is here. but it's in my mind. And that goes with almost all of what I am doing. But mostly music. And the only solution is to stop all these thoughts of how I am going to move myself within music, what I am going to do, when I am going to do it. Simply stop all thoughts of any projected self-movement. And work here in simplicity. In every moment of breath.

And not work towards my own benefit. But for the benefit of all. Then there is no fear. No desire to succed. No, nothing. I am moving myself for everyone and me as the personality is not here anymore.

Okay, so those are my experience and realizations for today. I am quite finished of writing. Oh, I have also experienced massive amounts of thoughts in relation to a project that I am going to do here in school. Where I am going to take potrait pictures of people. Now that came into my mind several times. Like a fucking bug eating itself into my head. And there was no way I was able to stop it.

Actually I came up with a cool solution as to what I am going to do. I am going to take potrait pictures of people that are doing art. And, if I can't do that, then I will do potrait pictures of people that are cooking, and if I can't do that. Then I'll think of something else. Anyway these thoughts where motivated by fear. Because I realized today. As I sat and discussed my future plans with my teacher. I realized that this was the subject I have not yet payed enough attention to. This is the subject that i've been allowing to slip. And I have waited for someone to give me direction within this subject instead of me giving myself direction. I am also very much afraid of not achieving a good grade at this subject. Because I do want to have a four when I go from this school. Because that would make it so much easier for me to get into law school.

It's quite amazing such a big route I must take, and how much time I must put down to be able to get into law school. And then as I get into law school, I will probably have to put down as much time again.

So anyway, I was quite fearful that I wouldn't find anything that I could do. And that I wouldn't find anyone or anything to take pictures of here at this school. And that I simply wouldn't have cool enough potraits. And that I wouldn't get a good grade from the teacher as a consequence of that. Still much fear of not getting a good grade from the teacher. There is much dependency towards the teacher in terms of what grade it is that you are going to get in school. And that grade in turn determines if you are able to do what you decided to do or not.

Anyway, I am deciding that I am going to take photos of art students. They will probably be quiet open to it. Though I will ask other people to. People that I see and meet on the school. It will be a cool point to face. To simply walk around ask if I can take pictures of people. I won't need a specfic lighting or set. I'll simply take pictures as I walking around and interacting in the world. And i´ll take potraits. And then I´ll write a something to the pictures, and that is what I am going to do. Very simple. I must be quite effective with my time. So that I don't squander it away doing nothing. So tomorrow I am going to ask the art students. And I am going to ask to cooking team. And I also want to take pictures of teachers when they teach. So I am going to ask a couple of teachers if I can take their potrait also. And I will simply take the potrait in the moment. As I see it to be cool. Not giving to much attention to stands and such, it isn't needed if I know the settings of the camera.

Okay, so those are the things that I wanted to discuss. Thanks