What i've gone through today

So, quite a hectic day in terms of self-direction. Words that has echoed in my head has been the words that the resonances spoke to Marlen. To be self-honest and direct her world as she wants to have it. As what she accept and allows and does not accept and allow.

This is what I did today. I got in a group where one guy was a shit-mouth. A shit-mouth is someone that is deceptive, he speaks behind others back and is nasty. Now, I don’t want that in my world. And I don’t particularly like Lina either, and not Martin either.

It’s not that I don’t like. It’s simply that they are mind-based in their actions. Lina, no actually I can’t say that. I don’t dislike them at all. The only thing that I don’t want to allow in my world is people speaking shit. Because that is just fucking unacceptable. And when it’s shit spoken from judgement. With no common sense. No equality. It’s just unacceptable. And thus I switched group. Because I saw my experience with the group I had choosen from the beginning. And I didn’t want that.
My first solution and thought was to only interact with them as little as possible. But then I thought. Why do I even do that? Why don’t I allow me to give me worth and simply not accept and allow bullshit in my world in any case at all. Where I am not absolutely forced to do it. Which is not in many cases. I mean I wouldn’t accept and allow self-compromise for money in terms of accepting shit talk about others in my world. If I had a employeer with that behaviour I wouldn’t participate at all with him. And simply keep the job for money. But I wouldn’t allow myself to fuck around and decieve others and myself to get to keep a job. Nope, not that social part of it. I wouldn’t.

So that is my statement. And Jesper as his name is. I simply won’t accept and allow him within my world anymore. And not Lina and Martin either. But I am not sure about this, I mean I will probably interact with them. But I won’t place myself in moments with them where they are beginning to bullshit. That is not where and what I want to be equal with. And at this point it’s only Jesper that I won’t accept and allow myself to interact as such with.

Yet there is no one else. Fanny is also a point that I can’t trust to have in my world. Both are quite deceptive.
So i’ve begun to move myself specifically living equality as who I am. Yet I am still holding on to many points of pre-programming that makes hard to fucking impossible to live equality. And here I am specifically speaking about my fear of conflict that has come up today.

It came up as my coffe jar went missing. And I want out to look for it. I faced people and I asked for my coffe jar. And as I did so I noticed that I became afraid because I felt like there was beginning, coming a conflict. And I was in quite a conflict and hunting mode, where I searched for righteousness. So nervous, and fear of conflict. But I mean, yes, I allowed fear. Quite a long time since I reacted as such because these last days i’ve been insanely stable in comparison to other times. Like i’ve passed an invisible line. And I am now able to actually not be afraid and scared all the time.
Even if I do experience fear and nervoussness quite a bit still.

So that is how i’ve experienced myself today. I am getting quite ruthless in my application. Like I am not anymore playing many games with people. I am becoming quite insane in a way in comparison to others. Because I simply don’t care anymore about human relations. And human expression. It’s fun to let go of this world totally and in all ways. Because everything becomes a play, I am playing all the time. With no fear this world reveals itself as what it really is. It’s of no importance. If I die or if I live. What really happens to me is of no importance. Because I am here at all times anyway.
So I am enjoying my new found silence. I am enjoying realizing that I am quite powerful, in terms of directing myself. If there is no fear then what is there that can stop me? The most dangerous person is a person that has nothing to loose. I have nothing to loose because I haven’t aquired anything. I am letting everything go. And as such I am becoming very dangerous. Because I won’t stop at anything. I will simply walk and walk until I am done with this process. That is what i’ve seen that I will do.

And to mind-systems I will become dangerous. I will probably be feared by people. But let’s stop this future projection nonsense and remain here.

At the moment I have just experienced lot’s of fear. Still there is these small instances of fear that I experience with people. Which I am actually seeing how I am creating myself. Through a thought, and then through me creating a emotion. But other than that. I am able to stop my fear now much more effectively. And when I notice that i go into the lock-in, which I call it, I am able to from that lock-in direct myself as my body to stop to lock in. In and as breath. Which stops all seperation. And I am here as I do it. Realizing equality.

And that is basically what i’ve to write today. I am going to write before i got to bed also. What more is there to write about. My fear of conflict and people. Yes, it was fascinating today. When I was standing with people. And I suddenly noticed that I didn’t fear girls at all. That girls was equal to men. And I don’t know. I smelled the girls, and I simply stood by them, and I could see how much I enjoyed to be with a girl and not go into or be in any kind of experience. I have had many of these desires come up.

There is one girl in the art school that I found very pretty. I found myself thinking about her. And it bothers me that I am thinking about girls when I am walking an agreement with Anna. It also bothers me that I am in a agreement with anna and that I am not free so to speak. Free to hit on and take all girls that I encounter to become my girls. So what is it that I am searching for, what is it that I want. In terms of the art girl I want to have the body of perfection. Because that is what she represents to me. And her face represents the face of perfection. Simply looking at her was very cool. And I know that I am fucking myself here now into some kind of love construct. But, let me continue to write it out.

Seeing her the first day. I remember that I reacted to her body type, to her hair type, and I remember that she looked at me. And as we meet this time I saw how she looked at me intensly. Sort of trying to figure me out, trying to see me, kind of in awe of my expression and my standing. Like she wanted to know how I was able to stand there so silent and enjoying in my expression.

And I remember that I looked at her several times, and that the others in the conversation sort of dissepeared. As I just looked at her over and over. And I mean the dream is to find the perfect one. And this is the point that I might fall at in my process. Where I give up a agreement that is walked in self-support. And that self-support is to walk with another in writing, and in communication. And this is actually working between me and Anna. To instead be with the picture perfect picture.

And I remember that I was thinking. Why is it always sex that is attracting me towards girls? Why is there never a desire to simply be with a girl. The point of wanting to be with a girl always has this thing behind it, where sex is a possibility. Just as I wanted to interact with my friends because they had weed. So I realized. Then why not become friends with a girl. And simply communicate with a girl. And that way see if what I am feeling is real. What I am feeling is real. What I mean by that is. Am I wanting to be with another because of who they are. Or do I want to be with another because I find their picture pretty, and I want to have sex with them.

With Anna, i’ve realized that it was mostly because I wanted to have sex with her. And I have not realized how though it would be to walk this agreement. And how much the mind will go to other girls. How much the mind wants to have someone else. And a specific picture to that. I thought that I would be satisfied when I got into a agreement with Anna. But it turns out that I am not satisfied at all. My mind is still wanting relationships with others girls.

So the solution is to simply not participate at all within this. And simply breath through any of these experiences. And if the moment opens up. To communicate unconditionally to get to know the being. Instead of being posssesed with the picture that the being presents. Because that is essentially the issue that I am facing. That I am placing the picture. Which is that which is dead. Before the physical as the expression, as that which is alive and here and equal within and as everyone.

1. Fear of conflict
2. Fear of death
3. Fear of people
4. Desire to have sex
5. Desire to leave agreement
6. Desire to get new girl
7. Desire to achieve
8. Desire for conflict
9. Guilt for conflict
Fear of conflict
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people getting angry, irritated with me
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people are yelling at me
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will become angry at me and call me names
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when people are angry
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear upsetting people
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying or doing something that will mae another angry at me
8. I forgive myself tht i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted and fear confronting
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something in wrong in fear that another will become angry at me and confront me
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when people are screaming and are angry and frustrated
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that want to have a physical fight
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to want to want to challenge me in a physical fight
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are are going to hit me in my stomach
14. I forgive myself that i ave accepted and allowed myself to fear hurting peoples feelings, and making people frustrated and angry
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people might do or say if they get frustrated and angry
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a target for verbal abuse of people get angry and frustrated
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to scream at me and tell me that i am a pain in the ass
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear bieng a pain in the ass for another in fear that another will become angry at me
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear shouts
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are turning their eye browns down and screaming at me
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being screamed and shouted at
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear being screamed and shouted at infront of others
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that somneone will become angry and say that i’ve done wrong
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will become frustrated and tell me that i’ve done wrong
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something that another might think that i have no right to do in fear that the person is going to become angry at me and scream at me
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having peopel coming close to my face and screaming at me and wanting to challenge me on a physical fight
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to call me names when i am not prepared
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to call me demeaning names when i am in a conflict and they get angry
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that demeaning names have any power or control over me if i don’t allow it
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being called a dork, fat, ugly, stupid, inferior
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that jesper is going to become pissed of at me
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fear that people are getting angry and frustrated at me
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that linus is getting angry at me when i am turning and moving myself as i am sitting behind him
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am making people angry with what i say or what i do
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to confront me and stand straight ahead of me and speak towards me and tell me that i am doing wrong
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when people are speaking directly to me
37. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted adna llowed myself to fear being confronted directly by other people in fear of facing another being angry
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide and go into fear and inferiorty when another gets angry
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear that i will become physically abused when another becomes angry
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being physically abused
41. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear being hit or thrown down to the ground without expecting
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will suddenly explode without any sort of warning
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expresisng myself around people in fear that my expression might createa reaction of anger in another that i can’t fore-see
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear the unpredictable nature of man
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i can’t predict how people are going to be and act around me in fear that i don’t know if and when they are going tob ecome angry
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to supress, hide, and hold myself back i order to not make people angry in order to avoid conflict
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to believe that i can be hurt or loose myself within a conflict
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear that i will become humiliated in a conflict
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear that i will become nervous, and fearful and uncomfortable in a conflict
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will get myself enemies and people that will become angry at me and hold this anger into the future with people
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are looking angrily at me
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity and the seriousness of anger
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear that anything might happen when another is angry, that it migth go from physical violence, to any sporadic and not prepared action, in fear how this will influence me and my experience of myself within my world
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear that i am going to get hit by a fist straight on my jaw
55. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will become shaken or screamed straight in my face
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will become grabbed by my shirt and lifted up in the sky
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear how i will act and what i will do if another desires to have a physical fight with me
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are going to react violently towards me
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear violence
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear fighting
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people wanting to hurt other people
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are lost in anger
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted adna llowed myself to fear people that are possesed by anger
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself tojudge myself for being possessed with anger with my father
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to judge myslef and be ashamed for wanting to hit my father
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being screamed at close range
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hurled by a angry man
68. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are physically bigger than me in fear that they are going to physically hurt me
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear drunken people in fear that they are going to become angry at me and want to hit me and have a conflict with me
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people men that are screaming and are becoming violent as they get drunk
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking directly with people
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to fear conflict without any rational reason
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to believe that a conflict can hurt me
74. I forgive myself hta ti have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a conflict can take something away from me
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a conflict is dangerous
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that fighting is dangerous
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dying is dangerous
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something in a conflict that might ignite further anger and frustration in another
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something, speaking, expressing myself in the classroom in fear being confronted for what i say
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to be spoken against
81. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to be challenged and that i am going to have people that are against me
82. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that peopel can influence, that people actually can be against me, not realizing that such a point of polarity can only exist if i exist within polarity and no here as breath
83. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and expressing myself in fear that people are going to become frustrated
84. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear frustrated people
85. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to yell loudly at me
86. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into fear when people yell loudly at me
87. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into fear when people speak towards me, call my name
88. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to become angry and furious with me
89. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are furious
90. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myslef to fear that people are going to loose all control and go completely berserk
91. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to go berserk physically and simply express themseleves with no consideration at all for others
92. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are becoming furious
93. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define furios as a bad, negative, and fearful expression, or a exrpession that i should be afraid of
94. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear authorities, and to fear being confronted by a authority
95. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted with having done or behaved, or expressed, or lived in a wrong way by a authority
96. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear reprecussions with authorities
97. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear expressing , enjoying myself in fear that people are going to become angry and that i will experience the reprecussions of that anger
98. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear people that have power to change things in my life
99. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear the principle and my teacher
100. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my friends, my classmates
101. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone is going to become angry at me infront of others
102. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear making a scene infront of others
103. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confonted infront of others, because i feel humiliated, and afraid of what others might think about me and see in me
104. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when i am confronted
105. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that i might say or do something as i am confronted that will awaken reactions in those that are watching the confrontation
106. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed being confronting, or confronting another infront of others in fear of making a scene
107. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear being a part of a scend and a drama, where people turn their attention towards me and start to in their minds judge how i am expressing myself, and if i am the good or the bad person in the conflict
108. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted infront of others by a teacher
109. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t have anything to say if i am being confronted infront of others by a teacher
110. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to become humiliated when i am confronted and that those that are watching me as i am confronted will laugh and find me stupid
111. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted in fear that the person confronting me is finding a weakness in me and is finding something that i am holding dear and is attacking that infront of others, inf ear that others will look down upon me and see me as inferior
112. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a inferior anda looser infront of others
113. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined as a looser by others
114. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined as a failure by others
115. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined and seen as a stupid person by others
116. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a victim, and as bullied and ridiculed by others
117. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going tob e apart of a scene, that i am going to express and open, and show myself infront of others in words and physical expression
118. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uptight and inferior when others are looking at me as i am expressing and communicating and moving myself
119. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and fear expressing myself in fear that people are going to say against me
120. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and fear expressing and enjoying myself in fear that people are going to overvoice me, ignore me, and judge me loudly
121. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and expressing myself in fear that people will find me boring and stupid to listen to
122. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as being stupid and boring to listen to
123. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to define and see me as hurtful as i speak, and become angry and frustrated with me
124. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in fear of hurting another, or saying something that might create a reaction in another where I am bad
125. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mysefl to fear expressing myself in fear that people are going to think and say that i don’t have the right to express myself in this occasion
126. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people decide who i am and what i do
127. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear expressing myself and eltting go, in fear that people are going to become angry at me and think that i am overstepping my boundries
128. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking and walking over the boundries of people in fear that people are going to become angry at me
129. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking in fear that people are openly going to judge and confront what i say, and me, as stupid nad inferior
130. If orgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted
131. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and enjoying myself, in fear that peoplea re going to say that i am speaking bullshit, and that i shouldn’t open my muth
132. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are liking what i say and do in order for me to feel comfortable in expressing and enjoying myself as self-expression
I am here
I am self-confidence
I am stability
I am self-expression
I am self-trust
I am self-independence
I am self-assertiveness
I am self-hereness
I am hereness
I am presence
I am fearlessness
I will myself to live fearlessness. I realize it’s a process. And to not create time-loop where I expect myself to live a word I am not ready for. I will myself to live fearlesness in every breath. As I realize it will be a process to stand completely and totally as fearlesness here in every moment of breath.