A little of that and a little of that

Why do I take a loan when I have proper savings? Was the question asked. The reason is because I have not wanted to take from my savings because I have seen this money as my last stand in this reality. My place to hide so to speak when things get rough. It is a cool point to have for me in terms of having money that I can spend on things that lies outside the budget of my loan. The point of the loan is that I get more money to spend. And what do I use these money with? I use the money that I take a loan to pay for rent and and buy food. And above that I have my savings that I have up until now merely have as savings.
And so the question. Why do I take a loan when I can use my savings. The simple reason is that I have not wanted to spend my money in the first. I want to have my savings. At the moment I see a practical use for these savings over the next two years. The use I will have for them is that I will be able to support myself to be a member on the subscription forum. I will be able to not work during the months of the summer, and the month of the winter, and I will be able to have a internet address. So the reason I am taking a loan is so that I will have my savings to be able to not work. And the time in which I don’t work I will be able to apply myself. Support desteni and support myself. It’s simple common sense.

The loan is not a big loan. And as the money system will collapse anyway, I have no problem with taking loans. I am not afraid of loosing my money, or being in-debted through taking a loan like this. This is what is considered as a good and safe loan. It’s a loan for students. One of the most effective and beneficial loans there is. And so I see this as a opportunity to simply get myself to have much money during these 4 years that it will take until I will be able to support myself with Desteni income. The simple reason being. That with much money I am able to do what I need to do. And that is to support myself and support Desteni.

Today I have been applying myself in my studies yet again. I am finding it easier to apply myself in my studies. It’s easier to get going. I don’t take as long time simply not doing anything at all. I rather move on directly to do what needs to be done. And then I do it. It’s the same with my music. Everything is actually going a lot easier. Except getting up from my bed. That I had troubles with today. I didn’t, I couldn’t force myself out of bed this morning. And so I overslept myself.

The music that I have been doing today has been really cool music. I have tried it in several ways to do one song. And I have very much enjoyed myself. At first I decided to add many instruments. After I heard the finished result I decided to re-do the piano and then remove all other instruments. The song will become the best with only silent piano. Or a piano playing in silence. What I’ve noticed when I play instruments is that, I have two ways of expressing myself. In music I am either here, and then everything is flowing from me and making music. It’s simpy perfection when I am expressing myself. Everything is flowing and every note and sound is just where it should be. And then the other way is the way where I instead go into fear and doubt. And in such a mood of playing my music becomes systematic, and very stuck. Just as I experience myself stuck in that moment.

So, I’ve been moving myself today in my usual routine. Where I am firstly focusing upon my education. And secondly upon my music, my process. No actually it’s like this. Firstly I focus on my process. Secondly on education. And thirdly on music. And that is what I’ve been given my time to during this day.

I had a interesting realization in relation to money today. I noticed that it’s only since this power of ten project have started that I have actually begun to move myself in terms of establishing a presence on the internet. Like, the day this power of ten got mentioned, some day’s later, I started to move myself. And I have not moved myself this much in three years, in terms of establishing myself on the internet. So money is still controlling me. It’s a genius thing to do by Bernard. To use money as the way to implement equality. Because money is what we have all given the utmost importance. And then you reward people with money for applying themselves within equality. For equality. Without Bernard pushing my ass forward I would still be stuck somewhere long behind in the past.

I’ve also seen the agreement video by LJ and Maite today. Man that was fun, I enjoyed myself extensively as I watched it. They seemed to have so much fun. And it was just so much fun to listen to their stories. They where so open, and so much, enjoying each-other. Really a cool example of what is possible in terms of walking with another. It’s possible for a agreement to be something extraordinary. When two beings walk in self-support instead of self-dishonesty. And I’ve just begun to walk the first agreement I’ve gone into. And at the moment it’s really fun. I, or we are not at the stage yet of Maite and LJ. Because they where, and seemed really stable and comfortable with each-other. I don’t yet experience myself as such with my agreement partner. But it’s the point I am aiming to get to. To be totally comfortable and completely self-honest in every moment with my agreement partner.

And speaking of agreement, today a cool point opened that I had not considered. I had written about an experience of Desire here on my blog. And my agreement partner read it. And she chatted with me about it later. She said it was important for me to share these points with her. And, those points are really relevant to share. Those desire points that come up. Because it’s so easy that they become a secret. And then you go around and hide those thoughts. So I am going to share the points with my agreement partner that are relevant to the agreement. Which are those points of desire, and sexuality. Walking with another In full-disclosure. That is what I’ve been doing with myself and with this blog. This blog has really been where I have just blurted everything out. No matter what is has been. And lol, it’s created some cool consequences for me that I didn’t expect.

So, that is what I’ve been going through today. I talked to my mother earlier also. As I did so I experienced, well, I was very direct with my mother. I noticed how my voice changed. And how I sort of. Was very tired that my mother called me and talked to me. Very tired of talking with my mother because it’s always the same questions that are brought up. And I see no reason to answer them. I can’t share anything with my mother anyways that is of who I am. Because I will just face resistance when I do that. And my mother will start to mother me, or not understand what I am attempting to share. But, the point was that. After I had spoken with my mother. Which became a very short conversation. Where I basically said that I didn’t want to communicate with my mother. I felt regret, and guilt, because, I didn’t speak with my mother. And because I used a non-enthusiastic voice.
It’s the same as when I was a young boy. I came home from school and my mother started asking all these questions about school. Did I like it? What did I eat today? I never understood that question. What was it of any interest why and what I had eaten? So I always had to re-collect what I had eaten that day. And it was boring, and unsatisfying to speak with my mother like that. I never enjoyed it. So I put myself on autopilot where I just answered the questions my mother asked. And then I went to my room. And it was most of the time the same questions everyday. So today I just didn’t want to answer to these questions. I was tired of hearing these same questions concerning my life, what I do, and such, and such. And also. My mother called in the middle of my recording. So I don’t know where I am getting at with this.

Did I react, or did I express myself is the question. I did react in anger as my mother called me. It was a subtle anger, and a underlying anger. And since I spoke with Sunette, and she explained how I go into depression around authorities, as I attempt to please them. I had this anger coming up in me. Like a blame towards my mother that I had accepted myself to be this way. So how I expressed myself was a personality of anger. And it’s something that I won’t accept anymore from myself. I will breath through it next time and be here when my mother is calling me.