Money and Arousal

Today has been quite a intense day. It was long since I had such a intense day. Obviously created through my foolish participation in thoughts. And obviously I also pay the price. It's not a very though price. It's just very unnessecary to create these experiences of myself.

So today, I decided to review my money. After Bernard bringing up this point. He spoke about the subscription forum. And also he spoke about savings. And i've realized. I have a lot of savings that aren't used. And so I decided to put them to use. At first I wanted to donate everything to Desteni. Later I went through the costs of two years. Because that is how long I am expecting these savings to last. And I realized that I won't be able to support Desteni with donations at this moment. I realized that the money will be much more beneficial with me. Because I need them to build my foundation upon which I will generate money at a later stage. And through those money I am going to be able to support Desteni, much, much more effectively. Which I see to come true in about four years of effective and consistent application.

These money that I have now as savings will allow me to focus upon this point more intently. I will not need to labour during my holidays. I simply focus everything and all upon making the Desteni Income Plan work. And if that does work. Which I am almost certain that it will. Because Bernard has never had wrong before. Then obviously this is such a cool solution. And when I have much money. Hell, there is going to be changes around here.

So that is my decision in terms of money. To keep them with me at this point until I get the Desteni Income Plan to be stable for me. And that will be in some years. But for now, I will need these money to go through with my studies.

Today have been a day of ideas also. And a day of desires. And a day of much thoughts. My brilliant idea was to create a blog, and with this blog each day take photographs. I noticed how much I enjoy to take photographs, and how much more interesting a blog becomes with photographs. And so I am going to buy a camera. And I have it clear to myself what I am going to do to create attention for myself on internet. I am going to use music. And I am going to use photographs, vlogs, writing. And my blog will be a central point. It will look really cool and have a simple and accesible adress. I am at this moment preparing the nessecary steps to be able to make music the way I have planned. Which I am going to do through forming a one man band, and I will also do music with Anna. I am going to play all the instruments by myself. And shoot it with a video camera. And that way make it interessting. I am going to have all my instruments be simple and accoustic. That way making all my songs in the same theme, and yes, very simple to edit and record. And also brings it back to me. That it's about me and who I am and not about how much sounds I can get.

So I have taken it to heart what Bernard said to me. That it will be entertainment that will get views on youtube. Luckily I have spent a big portion of my life creating skills that will make it easy for me to create entertainment. And as a bonus I enjoy it very much also.

Other prominent thoughts today has been Desire. And it's specifically around one person that I have met her at school. She is a person that I would have, in my pre-programmed life, fallen for totally. Fallen in love that is. And I notice how I constantly think, or how my thoughts hover and go towards her.

It was interessting speaking with her today. I became nervous and frightened as I did so. And it's fascinating the type of thoughts I have had about this point. What I've realized though is that, all so called beauty is very false and not real. Because all pictures will fade away with time. See a so called beautiful girl, will fade away in time and there will only be left dirt. So what I am seeing is that I am giving value to these pictures. I am actually directing my life according to pictures. Without realizing that these pictures are very unstable and that they will go away. And then I will have lived, and directed myself, for something that doesn't stand here eternally.

I am the only part of my reality that is eternal. Me as the physical. Not as the pictures of the physical. But as the physical. The touch, the breath, me being here. If I construct and build my life around pictures then I am setting myself up to realize that I have fucked myself in my life. And not realized myself. But i've instead been walking around attempting to satisfy desires that aren't real. Pictures. And in how many life's before this life have I not managed to get the perfect picture female to live her life with me. And I ended up dead in that life to. All that I managed to get in this life dissepeared, and I dissepeared also. Because I never lived according to who I am as eternity.

So, the point I am facing is the desire for a relationship. And this girl is placed in my reality very specifically to test my application. I will not be suprised if she will actually approach me and openly show her interest in me. Flaunting to me that all I need to do is to simply say the words. And the relationship will be started. I will not be suprised. This two year time loop is showing me that. And I realize that the point here is to prove that I can stand and walk with another and not be defined or controlled by any picture, any want or desire. And I have decided to walk with Anna. I have decided such because we are both walking this process together. We are both self-aware enough to assist and support each-other. With Anna, I am not pre-programmed to walk. I am pre-programmed to enter a relationship with a picture perfect female. And it's fascinating that she is also involved in art.

Because I remember thinking as I grew up that, I wanted a girl that was interessted in art. And in music. In some kind of expressive behaviour. And here she is. With the picture perfect body proportions. Simply showing in my face the point that I have accepted and allowed within my mind to control me. Namely. Desire. And this might be the biggest point that everyone is going to face in this reality. The point of sex and the total addiction to sex. Because I have seen that I would not be drawn to this girl if it wasn't for how she looked. Her looks is what creates this reaction within me. If she would have looked as everyone else there would have been no reaction or experience within me. But now she looks as the picture perfect girl, and that creates reactions within me. And also brings up lot's of arousal, and such things.

What I also desire, or see in her as being desirable. Is a expression of innocence, courage, stability and playfulness. I see that. When I talked to her today I noticed that she didn't experience much fear at all. She was very calm and didn't have many masks created. And that was basically my experience of her.

It's funny that female friends have ended for me. As soon as there is a relationship, or something. As soon as I want to spend more time with a girl there is always this thought behind it. Where sex is controlling me. Being with a girl unconditionally doesn't exist within me. And it's quite fucked up. If put away all theskins and only see skelletons everywhere. My eyes would wander differently, and my head would turn differently. Now my head and my eyes goes for patches of flesh and skin that i've defined as desirable. And my life becomes controlled by these colours and shapes. It's quite amazing really. That I am in total hypnosis only seeing colors and shapes. And following these colors and shapes and creating my life around these colors and shapes. Because that is what the female physical body is. It's a color, and it's a shape. And then obviously, some shitty energetic experience of arousal is connected to these shapes. And then the enslavement is there. A shape and a color would be useless alone. There must be some context, something that validates the lie. And that is arousal.

So I am working with these points exstensively. Because I won't allow myself to fall on this point. And through applying self-forgiveness I am assuring my standing upon this point. And I am assuring my understanding on this point as what it is that I am walking through, and why I am to walk the decision I am walking.

So thanks!