Money and shame

At the moment I am in a lot of pain. And I am facing two points. Today I went into town and I bought two things. I bought rythm instruments, and I bought a bass. As I have been getting home. And as I was buying these instruments I had lot’s of thoughts and experiences around it. One of the primary experiences around this point was that it wasn’t essentially my money. But that it was my parents money. And that I felt ashamed of. And as that was brought up. Who’s money it was. I experienced a lot of shame as I said that it is not my own money. But it is my parents money.

And also buying this thing was a point of shame. Because. I could buy it. I had enough money to buy it. And while everyone else that is a student goes around with no funds at all, no way of sustainging themselves I have big savings. Which allows me to buy expensive and new things.

I’ve also gone into fear that this is something that I will regret. A purchase that I am going to regret later. Because I am going to realize that I would rather wan’t another kind of guitar or bass. Basically all these unnessecary experiences around money. And these last days have really showed me what kind of importance I have placed upon money. And how much emotional value I have given to money. Even when I researched how much I am going to need in the future. And how much money I am going to need for my education.

It also shows me how fearful I still am to take direction with my money. I was born into this rich family. Where money was given to me in abundance. And I have always been shameful and felt guilty about it. And I have taken pride in not buying much things. And now I have quite big savings, savings that I won’t need. Meaning. I will be able to get through without my savings through taking loans by CSN. And if that goes to hell. Well then it’s just to realize that what I planned didn’t go as I saw it to go. But at this moment I see how I have quite big savings. And that I am taking loans at the same time. Which gives me lot’s of money to spend on other things.

So i calculated this spending. I could afford. I had a specific reason for buying these things. But it doesn’t matter if I had a specific reason or not for buying these things. What I want to bring up is the experience I have of buy expensive, and big things for myself without having a so-called adult accepting my purchase.

I don’t know at what point this began. It might have begun as I looked upon all the games which I had purchased through my years and thought to myself. That it was a lot of money. But in my entire life I have always been very loose and unrestricted with money. I have bought what I have wanted to buy if I had the money. Yet I have always made sure that I had enough money to be able to sustaion my basic living. As I decided to become a dive-instructor. That was one of my major purchases in life that I didn’t follow through with. And after that I might have begun to judge myself for making such a purchase.
I always realized that on this part of my life I was different from my friends and from everyone else in my world. Because I could always get whatever I wanted. I could always buy whatever I wanted. While my friends could not. I always had the most toys. I always had the most interests. And I could get everything I wanted. My friends never had that. Though they spent all their money on bullshit. Like drugs, and alcohol. I didn’t do that. So that is one reason as to why I have more money than my friends.

But the primary reason as to why I have been able to live like I have donet hese past years is because my parents have given to me quite huge savings. And with these money a sort of statement, that, son, it was fucking hard to get these money. Don’t fucking waste them! And so I have existed in a fear of wasting these money on unnessecary shit. And I have seen these money as my reliance. My backdoor if everything fails in my world I always have my savings account upon which I am going to be able to fall back upon.

And so taking decisions with these money. Treating these money as if they are my own. And at the same time taking decision with everything regarding money in my world brings up experiences of shame, guilt, and distrust within myself. Can I really trust myself to take decisions with money?

Basically I am facing the point of actually taking responsibility for my life. And that is to take responsibility for all these money. And I have not realized what potential actually lies within these money. And how I am able to use them. And instead of simply planning what I need these money for in my life I have just had them lying in my bank-account being a symbol of something that I am not allowed to touch.

And it was a year ago now. That I decided to travel around sweden in a house-van. Something that created major experiences of guilt. In which these money as my savings was brought up. And this time I was going to use all of these savings to be able to travel around europé and live in a house-van. In which, in that experience I was quite an asshole towards my parents. And basically, I was evil. But in that situation, with regards to my money, I wasn’t realistic. And I didn’t have my future in mind as I looked upon what i was going to need these money for. This time I have planned in time, two years forward. What I am going to need my money for. And how much I am going to spend and certain things within my reality. This time I am self-responsible. And I am actually standing up and directing my life and my world to be lived alone. And in this I saw that I had money that i could spend. And I saw that in my expression with music I require more instruments to make the songs I want to do. So it was a common sense decision. Planned and executed without any major experience. It’s just now afterwards that many experiences keep coming up. That i find to be completely unnessecary. Because it’s not like I am walking in the dark. I mean. I have actually researched this decision to see if it would work. And it’s a practical decision based upon common sense.
So, it’s fascinating to see how deeply rooted my distrust for myself is. Because I have fucked around a lot in the past. And at that time I believed myself to be self-honest. But in reality I just lived in my own bubble, where I would be taken care of for the rest of my life. This isn’t so anymore. I am actually standing up now to take responsibility for all parts of my life.

And I realize that I can’t trust that life will go smoothly and magical. I must actually find my income in this world. And I must direct myself to create my income. And in my studies I must direct myself. And with my music I must direct myself. I must actually take responsibility for the direction of my life. And this is what I am still uncomfortable towards doing due to my past. Because as I said. In my past everything that I did was falling a part. Nothing wanted to work or come out the way that I wanted it to work or come it. It simply fell apart and vanished.

Like me going to be a dive-instructor. I simply gave up. And all the money I had spent was spent for nothing. And this is what I fear that i am going to do yet again. That I am simply going to spend money. And all my money is going to be spent for nothing. I realize that it’s up to me to give direction to myself. And it’s up to me to see that the money I am spending isn’t actually spent in vain. But that I am spending my money in ways which will support me to establish a equal monetary system on this earth. The music instruments purchased today will do just that. So mind. Shut the fuck up. I am not fucking interessted in existing in personal experiences. I am fucking interested in applying myself to get this shit done.

As I woke up and moved myself today I had quite an easy time staying in breath. Or very easy. I realized that self-movement was here as breath. And I lived that. As I came back from Helsingborg, I had started to loose that silence within me and instead reactions where starting to come up. I am not sure though, whether this reactions simply where uncovered through breathing. It doesn’t actually matter. It’s here and I simply deal with what is here.

While I was in Helsingborg I saw a couple, a family, that was very fucking strange in all fucking ways. They had a child with some kind of disorder. And the parents where completely fucking lost in their role of these authoritive, and wise parents. Not seeing how much they where fucking around. They where placing rules upon this kid in every moment. And then he didn’t want to obey those rules and then they started to fight. Fucking fascinating to see such an abusive family. And the child was under developed. Almost retarded. It was fascinating to see how different children where treated. I mean all parents where complete assholes towards their children. Completel fucking assholes. The abuse towards children is exstensive. I saw a mother coming to her children. Saying in authoritive voice. You are going to eat everything! What the fuck is the common sense in that? Don’t you eat because you are hungry?

What the fuck is the point of eating when you are not hungry? And what has this mother got to do with how another eats. I mean the family is the we. That is the fucked up thing about the family. It’s a composition of people that is called a WE. And each one in this WE want the WE to be something. Because when the WE is presenting a specific symbol, than the one in that WE is satisfied. This is how almost everyone functions. And the result is a fucking prison. Where children get imprisoned since a very small age to do exactly as their parents tell them to do. There is no consideration for who the child is. And for how the child actually experiences him or herself. It’s simply nothing. The child is to obey the parents and there isn’t anything more to it.

And obviously there seems to be parents that are able to be equal to their children in expression. And often those relationships are much more relaxed and mutually enjoyable. Where both are enjoying each-others expression. There is no real hazzle. I saw that the other day. When a mother gave her son the ability to purchase a ice-cream. And she simply stood as his support in that moment and allow him to do anything with no judgement. Simply supporting him to act effectively in that moment. It was cool to see. And the child was enjoying himself exstensively.

It’s cool to see children. They are like from another planet. Completely different from parents. They are much more observant. And when they look at you they look into you and they see you. They become fascinated with you. And they sit and they observe very silently. Mostly never saying anything at all. And it’s fascinating to see them. And they take much shit from parents. Lot’s of shit. And parents. I don’t know why they are not seeing what they are doing. Would have been the same? Would have done the same? I doubt it. I doubt I would have done that. I have always wanted to give everyone their chance to live as they want. Their chance to live and express as they would like to do.

And i have attempted to apply this in a working situation. But that costed me my job and my income.
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed over having wanted to travel around in europé with a car
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to be ashamed that i haven’t lived self-responsibility in my life
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become ashamed that i have spoken about responsibility ot other
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in being able to deal with money
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe myself to fear that i am going to mess up if i take decision in my life and direct the money that is in my life as i see fit
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for having bought instruments for over 10 000 kronor
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become ashamed and be ashamed that i am rich
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my mother is going to say when she see that i’ve bought new instruments
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my father is going to say when he see’s that i’ve bought new instruments
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to mess up my economy
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to take decisions as i took one year ago, and disregard everything in my life and my future, and the world, simply to get what i desire to get
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that i haven’t made much money in my life
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that i am using my parents saved up money to buy musical instruments with
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become ashamed over myself that i haven’t earned my own money
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that i was born rich and that i’ve been able to travel around in my life and do whatever i have wanted to do
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that i’ve been ablet o live such a comfortable life
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that i’ve been able to buy whatever it is that i’ve wanted in my life
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel guilty for being born fortunate in this world
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and shameful for being able to buy whatever i want to buy
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and shameful towards those that have nothing
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and shameful towards those that have nothing to eat
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up as one of those that have nothing to eat
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear taking decisons in regards to money in fear of placing myself in debt or in a position where i don’t have anything at all
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being placed in a position where I don’t have anything at all
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to value money
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see money as something that i svalueable
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed over buying something that is very expensive
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to call buying something that is very expensive being spoiled
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being called spoiled
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear being seen as spoiled
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as spoiled
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents, or people that i meet will call me spoiled because i haven’t earned my money myself
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that money is only valid if hard work lies behind them
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed over myself for having possesions
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed over myself for having musical instruments
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself that i’ve had the ability to buy and have food in every day of my life while others have not
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish that i was rather poor so that i woulnd’t need to feel ashamed and guilty of simply existing
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and guilty for simply exisitng
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel dirty and bad when i buy a new thing
40. I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that it’s not the act of buy that creates this dirtiniess, but my participation within thoughts and energy
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the money that my parents gave to me and doing what I want to do with them
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create experiences
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what the desteni people might think when they see how many instruments that i have aquired
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the desteni people are going to call me rich and spoiled
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t like or won’t have the instruments in my compositions in fear that i will have bought them in vain
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for buying them in vain
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and ashamed of having been given money by my parents to survive in this world
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to taket hese money and waste upon things that i don’t really need in fear that the struggle of my parents to amount this money will be for nothing
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear annulating the struggle of my parents
50. I forgive myself that i have accepte dand allowed myself to fear disregarding and disrespecting money
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowd myself to see money as this hole substance that i am not allowed to do anything bad with such as waste it
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react when i have chats with sunette
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when i am chatting with sunette
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid when i am chatting with sunette
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself with my parents
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must lick my parents buts
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be nice and pleasing towards my parents and authorities
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards authorities
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than authorities
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid posting videos on the web where i show that i have many verious instrumnets
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being judged for having various many instruments
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that i won’t use all my instruments
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t doa ny music and that all my equipment will simplys tand here and not be of any benefit to anyone
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anna is going to judge me as spoiled for having bought several new instruments
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anna is going to judge me as spoiled and without and clear view of reality
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself fear that anna is going to dislime because i have bought a base
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t be satisfied with my bass
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i should rather have waited and bought another bas for my money
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i have spent my money unnessecarily
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i have spent my money
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving away all my money to desteni
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear how easy it is to be able to fuck myself in this reality
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking myself in this reality
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting all my money and then not being able to move myself in this reality at all
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that csn won’t give me loan
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am having to much money and that i should rather give more money to desteni
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not giving more money to desteni
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to be afraid of looking scientifically upon my money as to how much it will cost to live during this two years that are to come, in fear that i will make a wrong calculation and then fuck myself
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear that the desteni income plan won’t work
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not going to be able to support myself effectively with the desteni incomce plan
81. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear that i am disgusting bernard because i have not given desteni enough support
82. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want something back for the support that i give desteni
83. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want something back for me living and applying myself as what is best for all
84. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear living love thy neighbour as thyself
85. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up my personality
86. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing death and stand here without any fear of dying
87. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear simply let go of my fear of failing in this life and not having any money left, in fear of dying
88. I forgive myself that i have acepted and allowed myself to exist and live and express myself from the starting point of fear of death