Observations and realizations

Hello,

Today have been a day of quite intense facing of myself. I have pushed myself to breath and stop all participation in the mind. As I always does. Today I have been quite effective in stopping some regular and returning experiences. It's fascinating to observe myself. When I am reacting I can always get a physical hunch that I am reacting. I feel it as if something is out of place, something is wrong. And then as I breath in I let go of the initial energetic possesion and that is when I can feel what parts of my body are tense. And then as I breath out I allow to let go of these tensions.

At some parts during this day I entered small moments where I was crystal clear. And expression was flowing as breath. Those moments are rare and very fun to experience. And then it's back to reality. Where every moment is a moment that you must prove to yourself that you are standing. It's becoming so much who I am, so I don't have any particular problem with simply breathing. Before realizing that I would have to spend every minute, every moment in constant and total awareness of myself seemed boring. But i've realized that the only thing I loose is my mind. And what is that I want to be entertained by? Pictures and feelings and emotions? And I trade that for life as who I am? It's stupid and unacceptable.

Realizing that Ann has been dishonest, exposed as dishonest and spiteful was quite expected. The people that are really standing up are being more visible and the people that never had any intention to stand are falling away. It's fascinating that it is here we are determining who is going to continue participation in existence and who is forever to be deleted. Because if you don't prove yourself to stand as life. Acting in the benefit of all in every moment. Then you where never real to begin with. Because you where in seperation from who you really are as all. So it's fascinating to see this play out. I've never had a doubt about myself. I have known since I found Desteni that this is what I am going to do in my life fullheartedly. And I have done so. And fucked myself in the process, yet become stronger than I could have ever imagined myself to be in the process also. First fucking myself, then growing myself.

It's not a growing. It's realization of who I am here as equality. As silence and as breath. As this process have expanded, and become more clear, more defined I have changed. Yet I can't see my change as I look back. I can't see how much this process has actually been walked. What we at Desteni has actually walked through. And it's been done in every moment. And it's simply fascinating to see.

As Bernard said that all humans where going to be deleted, I didn't have any reaction. I am actually not afraid of being deleted from existence. I have nothing against. I doubt that I actually can be removed from existence. It feels strange to think that I could actually dissepear totally and not have the slightest experience. Strange to not exist at all. But I am not afraid of it. I would have been afraid of it before. But as i've applied myself the fear of loosing myself has dimished exstensively. It would actually be quite comfortable to be deleted forever and simply not exist. I wonder how it would be to actually be deleted, I remember I used to imagine myself that as a child. To simply not exist. I couldn't get a real picture of it. I couldn't get a real picture of it when I imagined eternity either. Those where two concepts my mind couldn't concieve. Death and eternity. It was just totally blank and a feeling of non-reality came to it.

At school I have been very quiet today. I have not desired to speak or interact with anyone. As I first came here I wanted to speak and find out who everyone was. But as the time have passed I see that I am not really, I don't really want that. I am very content with simply doing my things. And having small interactions with people as i go to lessons, or meet someone by the busstop, or in the kitchen. These friendships are completely gone from my life. I actually have no friend at this school which I have created a relationship of friendship with. And I am very much alone as I go to the lunch resturant to eat.

I feel quite bored as I am to sit down and eat. Because there is no one i particularly like to interact with and speak with. Or it was simply my day and how I experienced myself. But I can't speak with people about my passion and about what I really care and burn for. Which is self-honesty, writing, self-forgiveness and equality. Real things. Nobody else knows about these things or are remotely interested in these things. So I am finding myself, to at least today, have nothing I have wanted to speak about.

In the high-school preperation class we are now going to work together in a group. I gave the proposition to make a group-work about money. It wasn't especially liked. And it was more this silence of non-acceptance than any words being uttered about it. And I saw how much I wanted our assignment to be about, to be around the topic I choose. But I realize I must let go of this want. In school my primary objective is not to do what I like. But simply to do what I need to do to get a good grade. And so at the next meeting I am going to suggest that we all pick a subject we want. We all share what we would like to work about. And then we find a way to intermingle all these topics into one.

Which is obviously the point of equality within the whole. To take each-ones want. To make everyone compromise a little bit. So that we each get to do something we enjoy to do. And that way we will also be able to decide effectively.

I found that I was, in a quite reactive mode as the topic of our work was discussed. And I noticed the Henrik became the man who stood for the direction in the group. But there was no real direction in the group. We couldn't agree, Henrik is a interessting individual. He speaks very much out of context many times. Bringing in things to discussion which there was nothing of before.

I don't know why he does so. But guess it's a inability, a total inability to focus and concentrate upon what is here. He is though, he has some cool abilities of direction, and assertiveness. Which is very cool to see. I like when he gets confronted. And he simply cuts back as fast as a snake with biting common sense. And he doesn't do it in any energy. He simply responds very fast, without taking any shit. And those that he does this with get's quite offended and also shocked. Because that type of directness is not very usual in sweden.

He is indeed quite unusual. Not fearful or scared at all. And when he speaks he sometimes have this straight, very straight directness of what he have seen. It's fun to see. He's not as masked, and totally possesed by the idea of being someone as others are. Even though I can't say nothing about no-one. Everyone in my class, each individual I face have a unique and individual expression. There is something about each and every individual that takes that individual apart from another in terms of self-expression. And I really doubt what Bernard say, that no one yet has a self, is that really so? What is it that I am seeing in the eye's of people? I don't know. But sometimes the expression of people are so full, and honest, and total, it's just a beauty to see.

At about mid-day today I entered a depression without any clear reason. It was after I had showered. Which meant I was very tired. I sat down in my chair and I entered a very low period. As I started to apply self-forgiveness and move myself within the SRA course I noticed how I slowly got myself out of that energetic experience. And it was interesting to see how my depression, slowly, but surely, for each sheet that I did. Vanished. Until the point where I had no depression left. But instead a warmth started spreading in my chest. It's this warmth and openeness, that I would like to be within at all times. Because existing as this experience of warmth, and excitement in my chest, but I don't think that it is excitement. Because it doesn't go away. It comes, and it can stay for days. Hours. Just as the warmth can stay for hours and days.

But today it went away. And I have no clear reason why. But I managed to bring myself out of it. And that has changed my entire day actually. If I hadn't brought myself out of that. I would have still existed as that low-point. It was fascinating to see how the low-point came upon me and suprised me. It started after the high-school preperation class. Or even before that even. When I started to experience much fear.

And as I came to the last profile I just sat and looked straight ahead, and breathing. I say just. Because in that moment I defined it as something wrong. I am still fighting with myself in terms of what is right and what is wrong expression. But what i noticed at that moment was that. I was very low, very tired, exhausted even. Actually I had been as such the entire day. Exhausted and tired.

Ok, I am going to continue about this some other time. Good night!