Justice

I slept for a long time today and getting up to sit here in front of my computer has been quite hard. Mostly because I don’t know exactly what to do today and how to place my time. And because I don’t have anything decided for myself I will not get out of bed as easily. It’s much easier when I have thing that I have set for myself that I am going to do.

So I will have to set some things up for myself to do. And I am quite sure already of what it is that I will be doing today.

I had a hard time getting up as I said and this was also due to an experience that keep coming up within me in relation to a chat I had yesterday with Anna. It was a very short moment where Anna asked me if I understood what show to another means. I couldn’t place it that at moment so I said no. I then said that it might be explain but Anna said no. And this brought up an experience of anger within me that has still been in me this morning as I woke.

I have found myself thinking about this situation and I’ve found myself wanting to find that the fault of the anger I experience was upon Anna. I would for example in thoughts start to create a “solution”. Meaning how I would change myself if this situation would come up again. But that is no real solution, that is only a way to suppress my reaction.

In essence, or in reality the reaction is not real. And why and how would I want to change this situation? I would like to change it from the perspective of validating my emotion of anger as being real. And in my mind I came up with the “solution” of saying, yes I know what shows to another means. Or say something in that moment that would have aborted Anna from speaking to me. And all this points to one thing. That I am blaming Anna for how I experience myself because I place Anna as the responsible one, and the one I must change in order for my experience to change.

If I must change others in order for my experience to change then I am really fucked. Then I will have to wait for others to change to the type of expression I want and I need in order for me to not experience any reactions. Then I will have to live and walk with these emotions and feelings until I die because with most certainty. Or with 100% certainty, nobody is going to change and become the way I want them to become in order for me to experience myself not angry. The anger I experience is a system fault, it’s a mental illness as it blames this world because it’s not the way I want it to be towards me.

I worked a lot with this point yesterday. Still I want to hold on to it. Anger is a energy that I have a relationship with. Anger I’ve often come to define as standing up, as speaking your mind and as clearing the air. When your angry and you express that anger it means that you are right, and that what you say is relevant. Being angry is like the point of rebel, or a point of, this is real, yes anger is really real. If I experience anger towards someone then it’s because of them, because they acted in a manner that isn’t correct and they created this anger inside me.

And it’s through anger, in the energy of anger that I have had my most violent falls in this process. Where I have fallen really bad and then simply having had to pick myself up again.

And I have fallen on anger because this energy of anger still lures me, I still define myself according to this anger. Anger is also the emotion that I have the most trouble to stop, it’s a energy that is very strong. And if you participate or experience anger then it will stick with you for the rest of the day. So when anger comes up I often start to blame and project. And instead of seeing that this anger is in everyway my own creation I think that this anger somehow is created by someone in my environment. And not enough with that, I also want to unleash this anger upon my environment as to take back my pride or my standing with other people.

Anger often comes up when I feel hurt, side-stepped, ignored, teased, in someway treated in a bad manner. Unjust, when I feel unjust treated. Then anger is going to spring up. And at the moment it spring up I will define myself according to it and I will start to feel like I should express something, I should say something. I shouldn’t accept and allow myself to be unjustly treated, side-stepped and abused. But what I miss within this is to realize that I am not really side-stepped, abused or unjustly treated. I experience myself as being side-stepped, abused or unjustly treated, but that is a wholesomely different thing. What I experience isn’t actually real but it’s make belief, it’s a fantasy because nobody can abuse me, or treat me unjustly, or side-step me. Only I can do that towards myself.
Being treated unjustly that is a fascinating point. It’s a point of comparison as to how I see others being treated in relation to me. It’s a point of expectation as in expecting and wanting a certain type of treatment. I want to be regarded as an equal, I want you to listen to me, I want you to respect me, I want to have as much to say about this as everyone else. That are ideas that exist in, under the justice program. I always want to have justice from someone else. Someone else is to change and comply with my demands then I have justice. If someone is not doing as I want them to do, they don’t treat me as I want them to treat me then I don’t have justice.

It’s actually a point of dependence. Because I need someone to treat me a specific way. I need someone to give me equality, I need someone to give me the right to be listened to. Instead of me giving myself all of that. Justice springs from the idea that I am inferior and that I must be given equality from an outside source. Someone is to give me justice, and I will be proved right, and I will have my justice. My proof, my document saying that I have the ability to do what I want to do, and others allow me to do what it is that I want to do. So this is what I am seeking and which I am becoming angry when it isn’t here. But it reveals that I have defined and valued myself according to how another is treating me. Thus placing responsibility in another as to how I am going to experience myself. In the example with Anna, I place responsibility upon Anna, and I want Anna to give me justice and in this moment I completely abdicate all ability, responsibility to change me and to actually stand as the directive principle of me and stop my experiences.

No anger isn’t real in anyway. The anger when I am abused, or I feel like I am abused comes also from a starting point of justice. Where I will become angry as thoughts accumulate in me and as I think that I have been unjustly treated, I have been abused and because of this I must “stand up” and “show” that this is now how I should be treated.

Treated, Rated. So I will start to feel angry and frustrated and I will blame this upon those that apparently abused me not realizing that this is the ultimate giving away of my power and my ability to stop and change myself. I mean, can anyone actually abuse me? What does that idea come from? Where does the feeling of being abused come from? It comes from being hurt, and feeling inferior, feeling less in a moment. And I will thus take these experiences and I will package them into the definition of being abused. And as I have been “abused” I will start to accumulate anger and think that I should take back my pride, I should show them.

But I am actually being totally delusional, because I have created the experience of being abused. I have accepted and allowed energies of feeling hurt, inferior and less within me in a moment. Nobody but me have allowed these energies to be within me. And if I still say that others have actually created these energies within me, then I don’t exist anymore. Then I am a total slave to my mind because I will not be able to stop the experience. I will go out into this world and attempt to change the pictures in this world to no induce this reaction within me not realizing that this is not possible to be done because the reaction doesn’t actually originate from the world that is outside me.

This clears up the issue of anger and how I am still holding unto anger as a valid and real experience. It’s something that you express when you are dissatisfied, when things are not going your way, when people are not listening to you.

Oh, the most recent example of anger is for example the kitchen and responsibilities here in the house which I live in. Now, I will as I see that responsibility isn’t taken care of feel hurt and disregarded, and I will feel like it’s unjust that I will have to take care of this responsibility. From here I will start to compound anger as I think about how unjust it is, and how fucked up everyone else is but me. And I will start to plan and look at how I will be able to bring justice into this situation. Who must I talk to? Must I yell at people for them to listen to me? Must I contact the principle? Basically this is the phase where I am looking for a unleashing of my anger, for a point of balancing up the feeling in me of being unjustly treated through doing something that I feel would bring me back to equal grounds with others. But all in all, my experience isn’t real. But it has been created from a idea, from a living word, or a fucked up word, a picture a reaction and then a solution. But no real solution, only a solution that will continue to re-create the problem. The only real solution is self-forgiveness, and letting the point go totally and completely.
And that’s that, I also want to write about a point in relation to my music that I find interesting and fascinating. It’s the point of, finding myself in music, and also, who am I in music?

I find it fascinating, sometimes during my day’s, after I’ve played guitar I will go into an experience of fear in relation to not remembering how to express myself as music. It will happen after times that I’ve played music and I’ve felt like I have found a “real” way to express myself in music.

Like for example yesterday, yesterday I was sitting and I was singing for long hours. I was experimenting with singing in tune, and how to sing in a way that would compliment my voice the most, and compliment the song the most. I found a way to sing in which I didn’t take as much force as before, yet I sang with my bowl. And the sound became very pleasant, and stable. I did experience myself quite locked into the sound, and there was only short moments where I felt like I could really access this point in me where all and every single note just hit’s the spot. And where it follows no direct pattern but it’s like I am flowing around in the song with my voice, not really bound to the foundation of the song that is the chords. But more playing and having fun on top of those chords.

But anyway, after having tried several different way’s to sing I found one way that I felt comfortable in. Later when I want away from the guitar to sit and read by my computer up came this fear that I would forget how to sing like I sang and that I would return to my more brute and violent way of singing. In relation to this came some thoughts of how I was singing in my very brute and violent way with my teacher, and my school, and I feared that they did not like the way I was singing. So I basically feared that I would be able to attain the definition of myself such as being a good singer and that I would loose my title of being a good musician.

So I picked up my guitar and started to sing in order to find my voice again. And it wasn’t hard, it was here all the time. But this fear shows me that I still desire and want to create myself to be an musician. And also in relation to “finding” my voice there was comparisons towards Joao, and also Matti, where I wondered and thought about how they where singing. And also if I was singing more right than what they where singing. It’s like I attempt to find a right way to sing from a perspective of my mind, as the ideals I have created, and the perceptions I have created of what it means to sing. Instead of listening to my body when I am singing and singing as the entirety of my human physical body.

So, comparisons and doubts. What will people think of me? Are people to find me stupid that I have been doing music for song long and yet I can’t even sing in tune? Are people to find my music be cool and entertaining? Are people going to find my voice being soothing and comfortable or just nasty and covering up the silence of here? Still I carry many fears and expectations upon myself in relation to music which makes it difficult for me to enjoy myself and to really express myself fully in music. It’s not possible to express myself fully in music if I hold judgments, perceptions and ideas. Because then I will obscure natural self-expression and I will enforce my ideas upon the physical, thus expression won’t be full as it won’t be an expression that is really here, unconditional as the physical. It will be an attempt to be like something else. Instead of being like myself here. Though it’s a lot better than what it was before when I had absolutely no contact or feeling towards my body or my voice. But I would just scream and shout without really feeling in me when I was singing.
So I am going to work some more with these judgments and perceptions in relation to music.
Thanks.