Teachers have also been children

Hello
Today I’ve realized how difficult it is to become a good lawyer; it will take time and accumulation to become a good lawyer. I’ve realized that I am still not as effective within writing as I know I am capable off – I know I can be really, really effective, yet I haven’t allowed myself to push this forth yet. I still doubt myself too much in relation to my writings. I will stop this and simply write what comes up here in the moment, walk each moment as a new moment, and write simplistically. I know I am capable of writing clearly and simplistically – this is one of the skills that I’ve developed in my life.

I’ve today pushed myself to speak self-forgiveness out loud on points as they arise – it’s been very effective. I’ve applied self-forgiveness on points with Anna, on points around fear in relation to my school, on these re-occurring points that I have yet to deal with in my writings. If I take them up for self-forgiveness immediately it becomes so much easier to let them go. So, I am pushing myself to let to go points immediately as they arise, and today I made great success with this; I managed to push through, clearly and effectively, a point of depression that I have often gone into. This time the depression came up, yet I wasn’t influenced or controlled by it at all. This was very cool.

Further, what I experienced yesterday with my teacher was very strange. It was like small outbursts of anger, and even extreme sadness – sadness so extreme it almost took me over completely. It was fascinating when that happened, because it was like I was getting back to my childhood, when I used to cry and express emotions freely.
When I realized I was about to cry I became frightened that anyone was going to see me, especially frightened that my teacher was going to see me or any of the guy’s in my class. But I sat up straight, I looked into the eyes of my teacher, and I let my experience wonder through my body – be shown, be seen, and then I let it go.
It’s fascinating how worried I actually am about what others might think about me, especially when it comes to these various emotional experiences that one is able to have – that I actually fear that others are going to think that I am weak and inferior; this is the real fear. This fear has been with me most of my life, and it’s a fear that I have become to such an extent that in the moments when I free from it, it’s like a completely new world open up to me, and I am able to see myself, people, the world in a totally different way.

It’s this fear of being weak that has made me suppress myself, compromise myself, isolate myself, hide myself – fearing that anyone is going to find out, or see, understand, realize that I am not actually as strong as I present myself to be. I am not as powerful as I present myself to be. I am not as certain of myself as I present myself to be. Many times I am instead afraid, fearful and nervous, but this I attempt to hide and never show to anyone.

Though, when Anna came into my world there has become changes, as well as since I have required interacting with people on a daily basis. I am getting more stable, and through self-forgiveness I have been able to let go of the fears that are the most possessive and limiting. Though there are still fears to take on and move myself through as my teacher showed me today.
What did my teacher show me?

She showed me that I care about what others think about me. She showed me that I desire to have recognition and validation from a teacher, or a authority. She showed me that I see myself according to how authorities see me, and that I become happy, calm and satisfied when authorities are happy and satisfied with me. This is the desire to become accepted by an authority.

In class this pattern shows through my thoughts when I get positive feedback from my teacher. I become happy, I feel satisfied, I think that I am better than what others are, I feel like I am successful. Then I will go back to that memory the entire day and think about that situation, when I was able to get the praise and recognition from my teacher. It will become a pleasant energy in my breast, which is false satisfaction. It is pride but pride that isn’t self-honest, it’s instead a pride that is caused by another telling me that I am good.

This point has then come up as thoughts. I’ve several times recalled the times when my teacher has told me that she has been pleased with me and I have thought, with pride, that it’s only to me that she has said this. It’s only to me that she has said this. Am I special because of this?

It’s funny to realize that I have attempted to present myself as this genius lawyer that understood and comprehended everything from the beginning. I wanted to show everyone that I had the knowledge all sorted out, and I knew what I was talking about. But recently I have begun to see that being a lawyer is all about accumulation, and that it takes time to accumulate. I wanted to be a lawyer the moment I stepped into my education but that is impossible, because I haven’t yet accumulated the knowledge to be able to do this. Those that have gone before and that have done this, they are not special, they have simply through time accumulated the knowledge that was required.
And this is a big miss-conception in society. We mistake knowledge to be intelligence. We mistake a professor, or a lawyer that knows much about the law book as being intelligent and above the rest – he is not. He is just as much a human being as everyone else, and when he began his lawyer education he knew as little as I do now.

This is often forgotten. Those teachers are also children once, they also learn the knowledge, they also make mistakes and they also misunderstand. It’s not like they are born as these perfect machines that are able to know and understand the answer to everything but this is how it is presented. It’s presented as if the professors, the teachers, and these enlightened men of our society are apparently more than the rest. When in fact, all they have done is to read books and then form their own knowledge upon the foundation of these books. It’s not something they were born with, it’s not something that is only able for them, it’s a learnt skill and ability, and everyone is able to learn such a skill.

So, teachers, professors as the enlightened people of our world, they are really not as great as they want to be. They are in fact as much flesh and blood as any other human being and the great deception is that they are somehow something more.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that my teachers are to become impressed with me
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my teachers are better than me – that because they are able to write, read law – that they are superior to me
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having more knowledge than another makes me better than another, to believe that knowledge is in anyway making me intelligent and more than others
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it makes me special to be a professor, that it makes me special to hold on to much knowledge, that it makes more than others, not realizing that I am as much physical as everyone else is
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that certain people are above the physical, that certain people are more than the physical, more established, greater, more effective, more grand than what I am due to their knowledge
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire praise from my teacher, within the belief that I need and require praise from my teacher – in the belief that my teacher is greater than me – more than me – and that I must have her recognition in order for me to be able to love myself
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my teacher is able to give me self-acceptance, that I am supposed to look for self-acceptance, self-love, value and recognition in my teacher – instead of allowing myself to live this myself
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, diminished, and rejected when my teacher do not comply with my way of writing and using the Swedish language
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be regarded as a effective artist, as a famous artist, as a great user of the Swedish language that is able to do more than what others are able to with the Swedish language