Here as Breath

Depression is an attempt to control people in your environment - YouTube

2011-11-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

Depression is an attempt to control people in your environment - YouTube

Teachers have also been children

2011-04-15T01:33:00.000-07:00

Hello
Today I’ve realized how difficult it is to become a good lawyer; it will take time and accumulation to become a good lawyer. I’ve realized that I am still not as effective within writing as I know I am capable off – I know I can be really, really effective, yet I haven’t allowed myself to push this forth yet. I still doubt myself too much in relation to my writings. I will stop this and simply write what comes up here in the moment, walk each moment as a new moment, and write simplistically. I know I am capable of writing clearly and simplistically – this is one of the skills that I’ve developed in my life.

I’ve today pushed myself to speak self-forgiveness out loud on points as they arise – it’s been very effective. I’ve applied self-forgiveness on points with Anna, on points around fear in relation to my school, on these re-occurring points that I have yet to deal with in my writings. If I take them up for self-forgiveness immediately it becomes so much easier to let them go. So, I am pushing myself to let to go points immediately as they arise, and today I made great success with this; I managed to push through, clearly and effectively, a point of depression that I have often gone into. This time the depression came up, yet I wasn’t influenced or controlled by it at all. This was very cool.

Further, what I experienced yesterday with my teacher was very strange. It was like small outbursts of anger, and even extreme sadness – sadness so extreme it almost took me over completely. It was fascinating when that happened, because it was like I was getting back to my childhood, when I used to cry and express emotions freely.
When I realized I was about to cry I became frightened that anyone was going to see me, especially frightened that my teacher was going to see me or any of the guy’s in my class. But I sat up straight, I looked into the eyes of my teacher, and I let my experience wonder through my body – be shown, be seen, and then I let it go.
It’s fascinating how worried I actually am about what others might think about me, especially when it comes to these various emotional experiences that one is able to have – that I actually fear that others are going to think that I am weak and inferior; this is the real fear. This fear has been with me most of my life, and it’s a fear that I have become to such an extent that in the moments when I free from it, it’s like a completely new world open up to me, and I am able to see myself, people, the world in a totally different way.

It’s this fear of being weak that has made me suppress myself, compromise myself, isolate myself, hide myself – fearing that anyone is going to find out, or see, understand, realize that I am not actually as strong as I present myself to be. I am not as powerful as I present myself to be. I am not as certain of myself as I present myself to be. Many times I am instead afraid, fearful and nervous, but this I attempt to hide and never show to anyone.

Though, when Anna came into my world there has become changes, as well as since I have required interacting with people on a daily basis. I am getting more stable, and through self-forgiveness I have been able to let go of the fears that are the most possessive and limiting. Though there are still fears to take on and move myself through as my teacher showed me today.
What did my teacher show me?

She showed me that I care about what others think about me. She showed me that I desire to have recognition and validation from a teacher, or a authority. She showed me that I see myself according to how authorities see me, and that I become happy, calm and satisfied when authorities are happy and satisfied with me. This is the desire to become accepted by an authority.

In class this pattern shows through my thoughts when I get positive feedback from my teacher. I become happy, I feel satisfied, I think that I am better than what others are, I feel like I am successful. Then I will go back to that memory the entire day and think about that situation, when I was able to get the praise and recognition from my teacher. It will become a pleasant energy in my breast, which is false satisfaction. It is pride but pride that isn’t self-honest, it’s instead a pride that is caused by another telling me that I am good.

This point has then come up as thoughts. I’ve several times recalled the times when my teacher has told me that she has been pleased with me and I have thought, with pride, that it’s only to me that she has said this. It’s only to me that she has said this. Am I special because of this?

It’s funny to realize that I have attempted to present myself as this genius lawyer that understood and comprehended everything from the beginning. I wanted to show everyone that I had the knowledge all sorted out, and I knew what I was talking about. But recently I have begun to see that being a lawyer is all about accumulation, and that it takes time to accumulate. I wanted to be a lawyer the moment I stepped into my education but that is impossible, because I haven’t yet accumulated the knowledge to be able to do this. Those that have gone before and that have done this, they are not special, they have simply through time accumulated the knowledge that was required.
And this is a big miss-conception in society. We mistake knowledge to be intelligence. We mistake a professor, or a lawyer that knows much about the law book as being intelligent and above the rest – he is not. He is just as much a human being as everyone else, and when he began his lawyer education he knew as little as I do now.

This is often forgotten. Those teachers are also children once, they also learn the knowledge, they also make mistakes and they also misunderstand. It’s not like they are born as these perfect machines that are able to know and understand the answer to everything but this is how it is presented. It’s presented as if the professors, the teachers, and these enlightened men of our society are apparently more than the rest. When in fact, all they have done is to read books and then form their own knowledge upon the foundation of these books. It’s not something they were born with, it’s not something that is only able for them, it’s a learnt skill and ability, and everyone is able to learn such a skill.

So, teachers, professors as the enlightened people of our world, they are really not as great as they want to be. They are in fact as much flesh and blood as any other human being and the great deception is that they are somehow something more.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that my teachers are to become impressed with me
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my teachers are better than me – that because they are able to write, read law – that they are superior to me
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having more knowledge than another makes me better than another, to believe that knowledge is in anyway making me intelligent and more than others
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it makes me special to be a professor, that it makes me special to hold on to much knowledge, that it makes more than others, not realizing that I am as much physical as everyone else is
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that certain people are above the physical, that certain people are more than the physical, more established, greater, more effective, more grand than what I am due to their knowledge
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire praise from my teacher, within the belief that I need and require praise from my teacher – in the belief that my teacher is greater than me – more than me – and that I must have her recognition in order for me to be able to love myself
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my teacher is able to give me self-acceptance, that I am supposed to look for self-acceptance, self-love, value and recognition in my teacher – instead of allowing myself to live this myself
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, diminished, and rejected when my teacher do not comply with my way of writing and using the Swedish language
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be regarded as a effective artist, as a famous artist, as a great user of the Swedish language that is able to do more than what others are able to with the Swedish language

2011-02-18T23:37:00.001-08:00

Hello - today is a perfect day to establish an equal money system for all - investigate - desteni "i" process and equal money.

Enjoy!

Justice

2010-11-20T01:12:00.000-08:00

I slept for a long time today and getting up to sit here in front of my computer has been quite hard. Mostly because I don’t know exactly what to do today and how to place my time. And because I don’t have anything decided for myself I will not get out of bed as easily. It’s much easier when I have thing that I have set for myself that I am going to do.

So I will have to set some things up for myself to do. And I am quite sure already of what it is that I will be doing today.

I had a hard time getting up as I said and this was also due to an experience that keep coming up within me in relation to a chat I had yesterday with Anna. It was a very short moment where Anna asked me if I understood what show to another means. I couldn’t place it that at moment so I said no. I then said that it might be explain but Anna said no. And this brought up an experience of anger within me that has still been in me this morning as I woke.

I have found myself thinking about this situation and I’ve found myself wanting to find that the fault of the anger I experience was upon Anna. I would for example in thoughts start to create a “solution”. Meaning how I would change myself if this situation would come up again. But that is no real solution, that is only a way to suppress my reaction.

In essence, or in reality the reaction is not real. And why and how would I want to change this situation? I would like to change it from the perspective of validating my emotion of anger as being real. And in my mind I came up with the “solution” of saying, yes I know what shows to another means. Or say something in that moment that would have aborted Anna from speaking to me. And all this points to one thing. That I am blaming Anna for how I experience myself because I place Anna as the responsible one, and the one I must change in order for my experience to change.

If I must change others in order for my experience to change then I am really fucked. Then I will have to wait for others to change to the type of expression I want and I need in order for me to not experience any reactions. Then I will have to live and walk with these emotions and feelings until I die because with most certainty. Or with 100% certainty, nobody is going to change and become the way I want them to become in order for me to experience myself not angry. The anger I experience is a system fault, it’s a mental illness as it blames this world because it’s not the way I want it to be towards me.

I worked a lot with this point yesterday. Still I want to hold on to it. Anger is a energy that I have a relationship with. Anger I’ve often come to define as standing up, as speaking your mind and as clearing the air. When your angry and you express that anger it means that you are right, and that what you say is relevant. Being angry is like the point of rebel, or a point of, this is real, yes anger is really real. If I experience anger towards someone then it’s because of them, because they acted in a manner that isn’t correct and they created this anger inside me.

And it’s through anger, in the energy of anger that I have had my most violent falls in this process. Where I have fallen really bad and then simply having had to pick myself up again.

And I have fallen on anger because this energy of anger still lures me, I still define myself according to this anger. Anger is also the emotion that I have the most trouble to stop, it’s a energy that is very strong. And if you participate or experience anger then it will stick with you for the rest of the day. So when anger comes up I often start to blame and project. And instead of seeing that this anger is in everyway my own creation I think that this anger somehow is created by someone in my environment. And not enough with that, I also want to unleash this anger upon my environment as to take back my pride or my standing with other people.

Anger often comes up when I feel hurt, side-stepped, ignored, teased, in someway treated in a bad manner. Unjust, when I feel unjust treated. Then anger is going to spring up. And at the moment it spring up I will define myself according to it and I will start to feel like I should express something, I should say something. I shouldn’t accept and allow myself to be unjustly treated, side-stepped and abused. But what I miss within this is to realize that I am not really side-stepped, abused or unjustly treated. I experience myself as being side-stepped, abused or unjustly treated, but that is a wholesomely different thing. What I experience isn’t actually real but it’s make belief, it’s a fantasy because nobody can abuse me, or treat me unjustly, or side-step me. Only I can do that towards myself.
Being treated unjustly that is a fascinating point. It’s a point of comparison as to how I see others being treated in relation to me. It’s a point of expectation as in expecting and wanting a certain type of treatment. I want to be regarded as an equal, I want you to listen to me, I want you to respect me, I want to have as much to say about this as everyone else. That are ideas that exist in, under the justice program. I always want to have justice from someone else. Someone else is to change and comply with my demands then I have justice. If someone is not doing as I want them to do, they don’t treat me as I want them to treat me then I don’t have justice.

It’s actually a point of dependence. Because I need someone to treat me a specific way. I need someone to give me equality, I need someone to give me the right to be listened to. Instead of me giving myself all of that. Justice springs from the idea that I am inferior and that I must be given equality from an outside source. Someone is to give me justice, and I will be proved right, and I will have my justice. My proof, my document saying that I have the ability to do what I want to do, and others allow me to do what it is that I want to do. So this is what I am seeking and which I am becoming angry when it isn’t here. But it reveals that I have defined and valued myself according to how another is treating me. Thus placing responsibility in another as to how I am going to experience myself. In the example with Anna, I place responsibility upon Anna, and I want Anna to give me justice and in this moment I completely abdicate all ability, responsibility to change me and to actually stand as the directive principle of me and stop my experiences.

No anger isn’t real in anyway. The anger when I am abused, or I feel like I am abused comes also from a starting point of justice. Where I will become angry as thoughts accumulate in me and as I think that I have been unjustly treated, I have been abused and because of this I must “stand up” and “show” that this is now how I should be treated.

Treated, Rated. So I will start to feel angry and frustrated and I will blame this upon those that apparently abused me not realizing that this is the ultimate giving away of my power and my ability to stop and change myself. I mean, can anyone actually abuse me? What does that idea come from? Where does the feeling of being abused come from? It comes from being hurt, and feeling inferior, feeling less in a moment. And I will thus take these experiences and I will package them into the definition of being abused. And as I have been “abused” I will start to accumulate anger and think that I should take back my pride, I should show them.

But I am actually being totally delusional, because I have created the experience of being abused. I have accepted and allowed energies of feeling hurt, inferior and less within me in a moment. Nobody but me have allowed these energies to be within me. And if I still say that others have actually created these energies within me, then I don’t exist anymore. Then I am a total slave to my mind because I will not be able to stop the experience. I will go out into this world and attempt to change the pictures in this world to no induce this reaction within me not realizing that this is not possible to be done because the reaction doesn’t actually originate from the world that is outside me.

This clears up the issue of anger and how I am still holding unto anger as a valid and real experience. It’s something that you express when you are dissatisfied, when things are not going your way, when people are not listening to you.

Oh, the most recent example of anger is for example the kitchen and responsibilities here in the house which I live in. Now, I will as I see that responsibility isn’t taken care of feel hurt and disregarded, and I will feel like it’s unjust that I will have to take care of this responsibility. From here I will start to compound anger as I think about how unjust it is, and how fucked up everyone else is but me. And I will start to plan and look at how I will be able to bring justice into this situation. Who must I talk to? Must I yell at people for them to listen to me? Must I contact the principle? Basically this is the phase where I am looking for a unleashing of my anger, for a point of balancing up the feeling in me of being unjustly treated through doing something that I feel would bring me back to equal grounds with others. But all in all, my experience isn’t real. But it has been created from a idea, from a living word, or a fucked up word, a picture a reaction and then a solution. But no real solution, only a solution that will continue to re-create the problem. The only real solution is self-forgiveness, and letting the point go totally and completely.
And that’s that, I also want to write about a point in relation to my music that I find interesting and fascinating. It’s the point of, finding myself in music, and also, who am I in music?

I find it fascinating, sometimes during my day’s, after I’ve played guitar I will go into an experience of fear in relation to not remembering how to express myself as music. It will happen after times that I’ve played music and I’ve felt like I have found a “real” way to express myself in music.

Like for example yesterday, yesterday I was sitting and I was singing for long hours. I was experimenting with singing in tune, and how to sing in a way that would compliment my voice the most, and compliment the song the most. I found a way to sing in which I didn’t take as much force as before, yet I sang with my bowl. And the sound became very pleasant, and stable. I did experience myself quite locked into the sound, and there was only short moments where I felt like I could really access this point in me where all and every single note just hit’s the spot. And where it follows no direct pattern but it’s like I am flowing around in the song with my voice, not really bound to the foundation of the song that is the chords. But more playing and having fun on top of those chords.

But anyway, after having tried several different way’s to sing I found one way that I felt comfortable in. Later when I want away from the guitar to sit and read by my computer up came this fear that I would forget how to sing like I sang and that I would return to my more brute and violent way of singing. In relation to this came some thoughts of how I was singing in my very brute and violent way with my teacher, and my school, and I feared that they did not like the way I was singing. So I basically feared that I would be able to attain the definition of myself such as being a good singer and that I would loose my title of being a good musician.

So I picked up my guitar and started to sing in order to find my voice again. And it wasn’t hard, it was here all the time. But this fear shows me that I still desire and want to create myself to be an musician. And also in relation to “finding” my voice there was comparisons towards Joao, and also Matti, where I wondered and thought about how they where singing. And also if I was singing more right than what they where singing. It’s like I attempt to find a right way to sing from a perspective of my mind, as the ideals I have created, and the perceptions I have created of what it means to sing. Instead of listening to my body when I am singing and singing as the entirety of my human physical body.

So, comparisons and doubts. What will people think of me? Are people to find me stupid that I have been doing music for song long and yet I can’t even sing in tune? Are people to find my music be cool and entertaining? Are people going to find my voice being soothing and comfortable or just nasty and covering up the silence of here? Still I carry many fears and expectations upon myself in relation to music which makes it difficult for me to enjoy myself and to really express myself fully in music. It’s not possible to express myself fully in music if I hold judgments, perceptions and ideas. Because then I will obscure natural self-expression and I will enforce my ideas upon the physical, thus expression won’t be full as it won’t be an expression that is really here, unconditional as the physical. It will be an attempt to be like something else. Instead of being like myself here. Though it’s a lot better than what it was before when I had absolutely no contact or feeling towards my body or my voice. But I would just scream and shout without really feeling in me when I was singing.
So I am going to work some more with these judgments and perceptions in relation to music.
Thanks.

Stability and comfort

2010-11-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

The point of the savings and my father. It’s a fascinating point, because I don’t really treat the savings as if they are mine. I have them there, a gigantic pool of money. But I don’t really use them, to the extent that I could use them. Basically because I fear loosing them, and I fear then living from hand to mouth. Not having anything more than the salary of the month.
I actually fear that a lot, because there might be some eventuality, there might be something that happens.

And then, without any warning I am totally fucked, and my entire life is totally fucked. Though, it could be like that in every moment that I am totally fucked. I mean, I could go out on the streets and be hit by a car. And then my life would be totally fucked. I have gotten used to these savings, I have gotten used to living a comfortable life because all of these savings has always been with me. And I have now told myself that I am going to wait until my life becomes a little more stable before I actually spend my savings.

What the fuck does that mean? When is my life going to become a little more stable? When is my life ever really stable? What I am look at as stable is having my apartment, and a steady pay from month to month. I have one bill to pay, and I am paying this bill every month. And I have my economy planned out over a long period of time. That is basically my definition and idea of stability. That I am living in a house, that I own, and I have money, and I can clearly see how there is not going to be any trouble in my life what-so-ever.

So there still exists survival within me, and their still exists fear. Yet, I don’t want to waste my fucking money and bullshit.
A actual practical reason as to why I don’t buy shit now is because I will eventually move. And the more shit I buy the more shit will have to move. That is a relevant reason. The reason that I am waiting for my stability to take place, it’s not valid. Stability will never exist in this money system. I will never experience a time of total stability.

I see that this definition that there is actual stability in this system got formed in my youth, when my parents lived the life. It was very, very stable, and there didn’t seem to be much fear or anxiety at all in terms of money. Everything just seemed to work, and everything just seemed to be in place, and everything just seemed to flow by itself.

And that came to be my stability, that house which I lived in with my parents. And my sibling. It was like nothing could threaten us there in that neighborhood, everything was so protected and easy going. And I dream that I would also one day be able to live in the same way.

And I guess that as I started to smoke Marijuana, and I started to dream about living in a house out in the woods. That this was the same thing I was looking at. A point of stability, a point of being sure that this home was always going to stand there for me, and that it was not going to disappear. It was going to be my security. And I dreamed a lot about having a house in the country, and at one point I almost bought one. If I had known more about how the banking system operated I would have probably bought one.

I have viewed the home, the farm, the place where you live as your security. And it is from this place that you live, and you create, and you express yourself. It’s in your home that you build your life as you collect possessions and you slowly build up your life. So that is why I wanted to have a farm. Because I wanted to have my own garden, I wanted to have my studio, I wanted to have all these things because I thought it would ground me and give me a experience of being stable, being calm and not stressed, but rather, very much comfortable.

Each time I have actually fulfilled one of these dreams, and I realize now as I am writing that most of my dreams have this same starting point. Even the dreams where I wanted to give myself a purpose or a interest. It is the same thing that I have wanted. A grounding a experience. Something that I can hold myself onto, like my rock of stability in this world that I can sit on and that I can return to and that I can always trust to be there. And it’s like this because I have never been that rock of stability to myself. I have never experienced myself as grounded here.

The experience of not being grounded began when I was moving around a lot with my parents. But no, not really, it wasn’t so much of a hassle to me.

But this is the point, my search for a self-definition. And my search to be able to calmly lie myself down into this self-definition and from there experience peace and security the rest of this life. Basically searching for a point where I can be calm and where I can be satisfied with myself. Not seeing that this point is not separate from me, it’s who I am, if I develop myself to stand as that.

This is the reason to why I have searched for relationships and friends, to why I have shifted from interest to interest, to why I haven’t been able to stick with my decisions and live my decisions through into completion. Because, I have never been satisfied with myself. And the point, the actual point of stability and security, and purpose, which is basically, a point of finding meaning to be here, has never revealed itself in what I have been doing. And as such I have continued to search, continued to look, walking from thing to thing and always missing myself that was right here.

So I am living myself as stability, and not as security, but as comfort. As stability and comfort. And meaning, it’s a, what is meaning, meaning is to apply myself in relation to what is best for everyone. And meaning is to apply myself in relation to what is best for myself. Any other meaning doesn’t exist, meaning is here in this moment, as who I allow myself to be, as the direction I allow myself to take, as the considerations I allow myself to do. And other than that, meaning, and purpose doesn’t exist. When I express and live as life there is no purpose, because I am the purpose. And there is nothing that is separate from me.

A downer

2010-11-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

I got down into a small these last moments. Don’t, I know why. Because I lied down to sleep, and look at a movie in my bed. And in that moment I thought that I had already lied in my bed to much today. And that I should rather sit up and look at the screen.

This depression was actually followed, or directly inter-related with many thoughts coming up about me doing something. About me moving myself in a particular direction. It has something to do with the fact that I for the last two day’s produced some vlogs, and it felt good, and I felt like I had some purpose. Like, I am moving myself to establish equality, and I have actually stuff to do.

And now, the energy ran out, and if I am to move myself now, it will be done without any energetic incitement at all. Which is actual real self-movement, when it’s done with any energetic charge, or any purpose, or any drive.

So the depression came up because I wanted to do something, yet, I felt like I had no energy and no desire to actually do something. And I didn’t really know what to do. What is fascinating is that, I was lying in my bed watching a documentary. Which is something that I enjoy, and something that assists me in expanding my understanding of the current system. And then I felt like, this what I am doing isn’t actually enough. I need to do something more.

So the depression got sparked by the, I need to do something more syndrome. I need to become something more. I need to accomplish something more. And actually, I remember having thoughts of doing a documentary, where I would film people in my school, where I would edit the film, and where I would actually become famous for making a cool documentary. That is the kind of thoughts that is driving this experience. Because, it’s the thought of want and need to become something that is separate from here. Like in this case, a very cool documentary filmer. Like a dream and desire. And because I don’t have that here, I enter to the energy of depression.

And this is has been a re-occuring pattern within me. Nowadays, I stop this pattern before I actually live it out. And living this pattern out means that I will fully start to participate in some kind of thing. I am going to take a decision, which will feel, like it’s a brand new start for me. I am going to, within this decision feel energetically charged, and powerful, and I am going to feel like world is at the front of my feet.

I will then start to move myself within this decision, until the energy run out, and I don’t want to do that very thing no more. And that is the pattern which is playing out at this moment. Now it’s actually in relation to my vlogging, blogging, my participation with desteni, and also a desire to become something within this. That is why, I feel dissatisfied with myself. Because I feel like I must do more and more in order to become something within this. It’s thus not done for myself, here, but it’s done in order to achieve, and succeed, and basically satisfy ideas and concepts of the mind that isn’t really here.
And when I enter this state of the competitor, where I will structure my life systematically. I will begin to live more systematically. For example, I write, but there is no self-enjoyment or self-expression within the writing. There is only, I am writing to get this done, so that I can get to the next task and get that task done. So that I can get where I want to get.

It’s that point of making myself systematic and mechanic that also holds a lot of the reason as to why I experience myself as being depressed. Because, there is no presence in what I do here. I am separated, and instead of being here within every moment. Where I am moving myself as the moment, enjoying myself as what is here, I am projecting. And I am doing things in my mind, and thus completely missing myself, self-expression, here, the physical.

I am getting aware of this point, and how this point is influencing me and my life. It’s also the point of me wanting my life to be in a specific way. It’s so limiting to have a future. It’s so limiting to have a path your going to walk. It’s so limiting to have something to reach, because it takes away so much from reality and from that which is here. Which is me. If I am already set to go somewhere within my mind, set to become something within my mind, I miss out on reality, that is here. And I miss out on opportunities and possibilities that presents themselves here, because I am totally fucked and lost in my mind. Which is just, not comfortable, and not enjoyable at all.
Thus it’s to become satisfied with myself here and walk this process as myself. The process of politics, as well as the process of purifying myself. I am walking it here as myself, and there is no plan, there is no expectation to reach, or come, or get anywhere. I am allowing myself to be here and walk in the moment.

I also feel, that laziness play’s a part in this. Because I was lying in my bed, and I looked at two documentaries, and the day before I was also lying in my bed looking at two documentaries. The thing is, what is it that I should do then? Read. It’s the same as looking at a movie. The point is not about what I do, but about who I am within it. Am I directive, and am I aware of what I am doing. Or am I following a pre-programmed path. In terms of looking at documentaries, this is me, and I am aware of what I am doing. I am researching the current monetary system. And there is no place I could be more effective, there is nothing more that I should be doing. I can only do as much as I can do in one breath. And that is enough. Thus I allow myself to let go, and I allow myself to trust myself in relation to self-movement. And do that which I see is supportive for me, supportive for everyone.

And the point of poker have also opened up, I am going to push myself to start playing poker. To, push myself in situations of pressure. Which is basically, situations where a lot of money is at stake. And it’s a arena that I’ve always been afraid of. The gambling arena. And I’ve not liked gambling, because I have feared that I was going to get addicted to gambling. Or that I was going to loose all my money by gambling. It’s just, stupid fears, and it’s time to gamble some. So I am going to set that up.

Okay, that is enough of mind-constructs. I am still practicing mind-constructs and how to write them out. I like to write my mind constructs, in a very, sloppy, manner, like, very fast and just as it comes up in the moment. And this brings up some reactions within me. Because part of me feels like I should write my mind-constructs much more organized, and that I should be much more specific and concentrated when I do my mind-constructs and another part of me, just want’s to write out the mind-constructs, just like I do when I am writing. Basically I write out the sequence of thoughts and how they are coming out. And I want to ask muscle communication about this. But I realize it’s just up to oneself, as to how one want’s to utilize the tools, and express the tools.

The fear this comes from. Because it’s in essence a fear, it’s the fear of not making process. And that I will, if I don’t write out my mind-constructs properly and correctly not be able to transcend the mind.

But, in self-honesty, I see that this way is effective. The thing I might be missing with this is working with a point specifically and intently all the way through, with self-forgiveness, and self-statements, because that I am not utilizing yet. And that is the point I see as valid.

But, fuck it, I am here, and I express myself. I enjoy these tools, as I apply them, and I do what works for me. And at the moment, working with mind-constructs this way works for me.

Moving myself as all, and having fun

2010-11-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

I’ve enjoyed to do several vlogs today, and I’ve basically been enjoying myself the entire day. And I’ve been quite silent, I’ve had some patterns come up, but I mean, if I compare towards before. This is heaven. Heaven on earth that is me, not having any mind patterns going around.

What I wrote yesterday about my pattern of starting things, jumping of things cleared up a lot of things for me. When I woke up today I experienced myself very stable, and like I could really feel my body. And instead of my day looking at my dauntingly, I quite enjoyed the prospect of getting up and expressing myself.

It’s like the starting point of my life, I have begun to change the starting point of my life. From seriousness, from wanting reach, from wanting to get, and from wanting to achieve, to instead a exploration, a adventure, and something that I can enjoy. Everything must not be perfect, everything must not be better than what others do it, nobody needs to have any opinion about what I do what-so-ever. I do it because I see that it needs to be done. And within that, that I see what need’s to be done, I try whatever I try. And I enjoy that, because it’s a point of creativity. Of conveying my realizations, my insights, my perspectives in writing, or in music, or in vlogs, it’s just fun to be a part of this movement. Because I see that this is what must be done. Get humanity out of this sleep that have lasted for so long through expressing, and moving, and expressing, and moving. And it doesn’t matter how it looks, or how it’s perceived, or what others think of it. What matters is the principle that is conveyed, the message, not the messenger. So, that’s why I have enjoyed myself so much. Because I begun to remove the seriousness from myself, and instead I am walking this process more, because it’s fun, and I take opportunities to express myself, take opportunities to explore our current system, and move myself within the current system and I allow myself to play around, and fool around.

Freedom of expression, that is what I haven’t allowed myself to live in this process yet. That was what Jorn got to hear from resonances. And I start to understand what freedom of expression means, and what it means to be innocent.

For example, if I make music. Before, I would concentrate on the final product, how good this can become, what will others think of it, how will this be received. Now when I do music, I simply do the music, and I enjoy myself when I am doing it. I am not thinking anything. And when I write the lyrics, I have fun writing the lyrics. I explore words, I explore expressions, and I just do it. Without any thoughts behind it. And that’s what innocence is. To not have any want within what your doing.

Another example is, if I am doing a movie, then I would focus on the quality of the movie, the quality of how it looked, and I would desire it to be perfect. I wouldn’t give a damn about me, and my self-expression, myself and how I experience myself in that moment. But that is what I am doing now, or, I am working on this point. I am working on establishing this point of self-enjoyment within everything that I am doing. So that I am not doing everything to get it as good as possible, but I am doing it because I enjoy it, I am doing it until I am satisfied, I am doing it as a point of just letting go and having fun and not worrying. So that’s the point.

I noticed that this point is getting through in my vlogs also, because I have much easier to speak, and express myself. And it’s because I have seen this point, of seriousness, and of, basically, having to be so up-tight at all times. Feeling like I must achieve, and place something of value, something that will catch the attention of others. Instead of just doing it because I enjoy it, enjoying myself in the moment. Not having any expectations upon myself, not wanting myself to come out in any particular way, not comparing myself to anybody else. But I am just doing it for myself.

And, when I write that, I am doing it for myself, I am thinking that it’s egoistical. But isn’t everything we do, done for self. Because I am always here with myself. I can’t actually not do something, not for myself. Everything that I say, everything that I choose to participate in, it’s done for myself.

What I feel like this collides with is the point of what is best for all. And that if I do what I enjoy, if I do things for myself. Than I will exclude others, and then I won’t consider others. But that doesn’t have to be true, I can do things for myself, and still have others participate. I mean, I am doing vlogs, for myself, but I am doing it because I want others to see them and also realize what I’ve realized. But I am doing it for myself, within my own self-honesty, of what I’ve realized that I must do, and not for anyone else.

So doing things for myself, doesn’t need to be anything that is bad. And just because I do for myself doesn’t have to mean that I am not doing what is best for all. If I am acting as what is best for all, for myself, that is the point. Where my standing is not done for others, I am not expressing myself because anyone say that I should express myself. I am doing it for myself, because I’ve realized that this is what I must do. This is what I want to do. This is somebody must do. And that is why I do it. And I don’t do it because someone tells me to do it.

I wanted to get that clear. Because it’s a point I am uncertain of, and have been uncertain of. That, how can I do something for myself, if I am doing what is best for all. But it makes sense, if I see and realize that who I am, who I actually am is everyone. Thus when I do something for myself, I am actually doing something for everyone. Because I am not separate from anyone. I am everyone.

Thus, actual self-movement, actual self-expression, is when everyone is considered. Because then you are considering yourself. Because you are actually everyone.

I am moving myself for myself. And I am moving myself to establish myself within, no I am moving myself to establish equality. And I am enjoying that immensely. I enjoy establishing equality within me, as I let go of patterns, definitions, ideas. And I enjoy establishing equality as this world, as I write and as I do vlogs and blogs. It’s just, very fun.

Okay,
Bye

Gangs and Equal Money

2010-11-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

I have enjoyed myself a lot today, it’s been really fun. And it’s because I have been moving myself to do research on this world, and how the money system is influencing people’s life’s at this moment.

I found a very interesting website, where they shared lot’s of documentaries. If you want to find it, just search on google: documentaries online.

And there I watched a very interesting series about people living in El Salvador that are all a part of a gang. And instead of gang, I wrote gain. Which is pretty describing. Because the gang is basically put together to ensure survival of individuals. They protect each-others interest, which is money, and which is survival. And around this they have built an enormous cult, which all participants are totally brainwashed into.

They have tatoos all over their body, tatoos with the gang sign on their face. And they all speak in a specific manner. They all move in a specific manner. And they are all very trapped in personality. But, a fascinating thing, they are not fearful. They are actually very innocent. At least the young gansters, the leader spoke about killing, cutting of throats, while he smiled and laughed authentically. It was fascinating to see, his eye’s where clear, and fresh, and even though he lived and express such a fucked up life, where a life was worth nothing. He was calm, he was stable, and he enjoyed himself.

Fucked up to see people killing each-other and then not giving any sorts of consideration. Being cold and in total disregard for a another life. That was what was showed to me in that documentary. And even though they all lived such brutal life’s, they where still very much alive, they still very much expressed themselves, they still very much had fun.

In a equal money system gangs would no longer be formed. At the moment it’s formed solely because this world is ruthless, and hard, and joining a gang will make it easier for you to survive. Survival is not a given in this world, because money isn’t a given in this world. There is always a lack of money. Which is fucked up and which creates these kinds of situations.

If these people currently in a gang, currently killing others and being killed where given a unconditional support from birth. Do you think that they would still be killing? Do you think that they would go out and kill others because they enjoyed it, because they wanted it? Because it was their high pleasure to exist in a gang, to go out and protect the turf, to protect your opportunities of income.

It’s just fucked up, what we have allowed this world to become. And at the bottom of all lies the problem that there is not enough money for everyone to go around. And some people decide to save money, and decide that they are going to take everyone else’s money, and they become effective at being able to attract money. There are no effective system in place to stop inequality. Money should not be able to be accumulated. Not the money you buy food with, the money you buy your house with, the money you buy clothes with. Those things are not commodities. They are a necessity for you to live.

Air is the thing the haven’t yet made a commodity. How would you like it if they made air a commodity? Because that is what has been done with our other sources of needs, the things we just need.

Where is the common sense in stock-piling food for profit while others starve. There is no common sense! It’s greed and it’s unacceptable.

If you care for life, and if you care for others, and if you care for yourself, and if you care for the children, and for the children to be born. Then stand with us. Let’s implement equal money for all and end the atrocities that is being allowed in the name of profit and lack of money.

Death of the mind

2010-11-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

De-franchise myself. No alibis anymore. Let me show my real face, the craze, the maze, the chase. I won’t hide, I won’t pretend, I won’t be what you want me to be. Thoughts are running in my mind. A thought, brought, a picture of colors, to imitate life, but it’s strife. First up, then down, and in the end you’re a fucking clown. Your lips are painted and your drugged down. Like a retard not knowing what is up or down. That’s how we get, fucked in the mind. Where we chase our thoughts, and where we believe we will find. Anything but another alley, another end. Anything but another dead end, but still we pretend. That we’ve found a magic wand. That we’ve found our love, our happiness, and our purpose in life. While inside, we cry, we die, we’re already in hell and we’re doomed to fry.

Who can help us but ourselves? But some fuckers are manipulating with words, trying to make you think. That it’s not up to you, to take yourself out of the sink. But it’s god, or love, or light, but it’s not true. You decide, whether your stuck or you get through. At the end of the day, where alone when we say. And where alone when we pray. We pray for a better day. But we never achieve, and we never leave, the rotten place called human nature. And we blame the creator. But we’re the creator, the source of our nature, and we’re to blame, we’re to shame, we’ve made ourselves lame, and we’re stuck in our own game.
I will get out, I screamed to myself, as I clawed myself back into reality. I thought I was frail, and that I couldn’t speak. I thought I was done, and that I was weak. But I took my stand, and I got up, I spoke the words, and I stated who I am. No matter what, I would stand, no matter what you say, I don’t give a damn. I am to walk to the end of time. I am to stop the nature, the crime. I am to stop myself because I have become the biggest threat. I have become a mind existing in values and ideas. And that is going to end, it will not mend, I will stop, I will not fix. The very construction is the fault, I am taking it all to a halt.

So I ask, are you following me? Or will you stay behind? Will you come with me. Or will you blind yourself, and refuse to see. What it is to be. What it is, that which is me. She, he, where all me, one, here, equal as all. And if one is gone, we all fall. I am here, walking to the end. I walk through the fear, of loosing what I thought was me, only to see, I am not three, but I am one, and I am here. So leave your house behind, leave your family to disappear. Follow me into the darkness where nothing is what it used to be. Follow me into the unknown, where you as life can roam. Where the physical will shake with joy. Where your presence, and expression will be the beginning and the end. Create and destroy. All in one breath. All in one here. That is true trust, the trust to throw yourself out from a cliff, without a single thought, without you being caught.

Limitation was my castle, fear was my house. Assumptions was my eye’s, and my friends where my death. I said, I’ve had enough, if I don’t move I will die. If I don’t move, I will loose my wings, and I will never fly. If I don’t move, I will loose my feet, and I will end up in a sheet. Completely blind and dead to the world. I must move, I must curl, and hurl, I must push myself forward and leave behind. All that is kind. All that is of my mind. My existence is about to end. It won’t mend. I won’t try to fix. It’s stops with me. Darkness is clarity. And you can’t think. You must see.

the blog has moved to a new adress

2010-09-07T08:26:00.001-07:00

THIS BLOG HAS MOVED!

http://www.viktorhansemanuel.se/

A little of that and a little of that

2010-09-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

Why do I take a loan when I have proper savings? Was the question asked. The reason is because I have not wanted to take from my savings because I have seen this money as my last stand in this reality. My place to hide so to speak when things get rough. It is a cool point to have for me in terms of having money that I can spend on things that lies outside the budget of my loan. The point of the loan is that I get more money to spend. And what do I use these money with? I use the money that I take a loan to pay for rent and and buy food. And above that I have my savings that I have up until now merely have as savings.
And so the question. Why do I take a loan when I can use my savings. The simple reason is that I have not wanted to spend my money in the first. I want to have my savings. At the moment I see a practical use for these savings over the next two years. The use I will have for them is that I will be able to support myself to be a member on the subscription forum. I will be able to not work during the months of the summer, and the month of the winter, and I will be able to have a internet address. So the reason I am taking a loan is so that I will have my savings to be able to not work. And the time in which I don’t work I will be able to apply myself. Support desteni and support myself. It’s simple common sense.

The loan is not a big loan. And as the money system will collapse anyway, I have no problem with taking loans. I am not afraid of loosing my money, or being in-debted through taking a loan like this. This is what is considered as a good and safe loan. It’s a loan for students. One of the most effective and beneficial loans there is. And so I see this as a opportunity to simply get myself to have much money during these 4 years that it will take until I will be able to support myself with Desteni income. The simple reason being. That with much money I am able to do what I need to do. And that is to support myself and support Desteni.

Today I have been applying myself in my studies yet again. I am finding it easier to apply myself in my studies. It’s easier to get going. I don’t take as long time simply not doing anything at all. I rather move on directly to do what needs to be done. And then I do it. It’s the same with my music. Everything is actually going a lot easier. Except getting up from my bed. That I had troubles with today. I didn’t, I couldn’t force myself out of bed this morning. And so I overslept myself.

The music that I have been doing today has been really cool music. I have tried it in several ways to do one song. And I have very much enjoyed myself. At first I decided to add many instruments. After I heard the finished result I decided to re-do the piano and then remove all other instruments. The song will become the best with only silent piano. Or a piano playing in silence. What I’ve noticed when I play instruments is that, I have two ways of expressing myself. In music I am either here, and then everything is flowing from me and making music. It’s simpy perfection when I am expressing myself. Everything is flowing and every note and sound is just where it should be. And then the other way is the way where I instead go into fear and doubt. And in such a mood of playing my music becomes systematic, and very stuck. Just as I experience myself stuck in that moment.

So, I’ve been moving myself today in my usual routine. Where I am firstly focusing upon my education. And secondly upon my music, my process. No actually it’s like this. Firstly I focus on my process. Secondly on education. And thirdly on music. And that is what I’ve been given my time to during this day.

I had a interesting realization in relation to money today. I noticed that it’s only since this power of ten project have started that I have actually begun to move myself in terms of establishing a presence on the internet. Like, the day this power of ten got mentioned, some day’s later, I started to move myself. And I have not moved myself this much in three years, in terms of establishing myself on the internet. So money is still controlling me. It’s a genius thing to do by Bernard. To use money as the way to implement equality. Because money is what we have all given the utmost importance. And then you reward people with money for applying themselves within equality. For equality. Without Bernard pushing my ass forward I would still be stuck somewhere long behind in the past.

I’ve also seen the agreement video by LJ and Maite today. Man that was fun, I enjoyed myself extensively as I watched it. They seemed to have so much fun. And it was just so much fun to listen to their stories. They where so open, and so much, enjoying each-other. Really a cool example of what is possible in terms of walking with another. It’s possible for a agreement to be something extraordinary. When two beings walk in self-support instead of self-dishonesty. And I’ve just begun to walk the first agreement I’ve gone into. And at the moment it’s really fun. I, or we are not at the stage yet of Maite and LJ. Because they where, and seemed really stable and comfortable with each-other. I don’t yet experience myself as such with my agreement partner. But it’s the point I am aiming to get to. To be totally comfortable and completely self-honest in every moment with my agreement partner.

And speaking of agreement, today a cool point opened that I had not considered. I had written about an experience of Desire here on my blog. And my agreement partner read it. And she chatted with me about it later. She said it was important for me to share these points with her. And, those points are really relevant to share. Those desire points that come up. Because it’s so easy that they become a secret. And then you go around and hide those thoughts. So I am going to share the points with my agreement partner that are relevant to the agreement. Which are those points of desire, and sexuality. Walking with another In full-disclosure. That is what I’ve been doing with myself and with this blog. This blog has really been where I have just blurted everything out. No matter what is has been. And lol, it’s created some cool consequences for me that I didn’t expect.

So, that is what I’ve been going through today. I talked to my mother earlier also. As I did so I experienced, well, I was very direct with my mother. I noticed how my voice changed. And how I sort of. Was very tired that my mother called me and talked to me. Very tired of talking with my mother because it’s always the same questions that are brought up. And I see no reason to answer them. I can’t share anything with my mother anyways that is of who I am. Because I will just face resistance when I do that. And my mother will start to mother me, or not understand what I am attempting to share. But, the point was that. After I had spoken with my mother. Which became a very short conversation. Where I basically said that I didn’t want to communicate with my mother. I felt regret, and guilt, because, I didn’t speak with my mother. And because I used a non-enthusiastic voice.
It’s the same as when I was a young boy. I came home from school and my mother started asking all these questions about school. Did I like it? What did I eat today? I never understood that question. What was it of any interest why and what I had eaten? So I always had to re-collect what I had eaten that day. And it was boring, and unsatisfying to speak with my mother like that. I never enjoyed it. So I put myself on autopilot where I just answered the questions my mother asked. And then I went to my room. And it was most of the time the same questions everyday. So today I just didn’t want to answer to these questions. I was tired of hearing these same questions concerning my life, what I do, and such, and such. And also. My mother called in the middle of my recording. So I don’t know where I am getting at with this.

Did I react, or did I express myself is the question. I did react in anger as my mother called me. It was a subtle anger, and a underlying anger. And since I spoke with Sunette, and she explained how I go into depression around authorities, as I attempt to please them. I had this anger coming up in me. Like a blame towards my mother that I had accepted myself to be this way. So how I expressed myself was a personality of anger. And it’s something that I won’t accept anymore from myself. I will breath through it next time and be here when my mother is calling me.

Money and shame

2010-09-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

At the moment I am in a lot of pain. And I am facing two points. Today I went into town and I bought two things. I bought rythm instruments, and I bought a bass. As I have been getting home. And as I was buying these instruments I had lot’s of thoughts and experiences around it. One of the primary experiences around this point was that it wasn’t essentially my money. But that it was my parents money. And that I felt ashamed of. And as that was brought up. Who’s money it was. I experienced a lot of shame as I said that it is not my own money. But it is my parents money.

And also buying this thing was a point of shame. Because. I could buy it. I had enough money to buy it. And while everyone else that is a student goes around with no funds at all, no way of sustainging themselves I have big savings. Which allows me to buy expensive and new things.

I’ve also gone into fear that this is something that I will regret. A purchase that I am going to regret later. Because I am going to realize that I would rather wan’t another kind of guitar or bass. Basically all these unnessecary experiences around money. And these last days have really showed me what kind of importance I have placed upon money. And how much emotional value I have given to money. Even when I researched how much I am going to need in the future. And how much money I am going to need for my education.

It also shows me how fearful I still am to take direction with my money. I was born into this rich family. Where money was given to me in abundance. And I have always been shameful and felt guilty about it. And I have taken pride in not buying much things. And now I have quite big savings, savings that I won’t need. Meaning. I will be able to get through without my savings through taking loans by CSN. And if that goes to hell. Well then it’s just to realize that what I planned didn’t go as I saw it to go. But at this moment I see how I have quite big savings. And that I am taking loans at the same time. Which gives me lot’s of money to spend on other things.

So i calculated this spending. I could afford. I had a specific reason for buying these things. But it doesn’t matter if I had a specific reason or not for buying these things. What I want to bring up is the experience I have of buy expensive, and big things for myself without having a so-called adult accepting my purchase.

I don’t know at what point this began. It might have begun as I looked upon all the games which I had purchased through my years and thought to myself. That it was a lot of money. But in my entire life I have always been very loose and unrestricted with money. I have bought what I have wanted to buy if I had the money. Yet I have always made sure that I had enough money to be able to sustaion my basic living. As I decided to become a dive-instructor. That was one of my major purchases in life that I didn’t follow through with. And after that I might have begun to judge myself for making such a purchase.
I always realized that on this part of my life I was different from my friends and from everyone else in my world. Because I could always get whatever I wanted. I could always buy whatever I wanted. While my friends could not. I always had the most toys. I always had the most interests. And I could get everything I wanted. My friends never had that. Though they spent all their money on bullshit. Like drugs, and alcohol. I didn’t do that. So that is one reason as to why I have more money than my friends.

But the primary reason as to why I have been able to live like I have donet hese past years is because my parents have given to me quite huge savings. And with these money a sort of statement, that, son, it was fucking hard to get these money. Don’t fucking waste them! And so I have existed in a fear of wasting these money on unnessecary shit. And I have seen these money as my reliance. My backdoor if everything fails in my world I always have my savings account upon which I am going to be able to fall back upon.

And so taking decisions with these money. Treating these money as if they are my own. And at the same time taking decision with everything regarding money in my world brings up experiences of shame, guilt, and distrust within myself. Can I really trust myself to take decisions with money?

Basically I am facing the point of actually taking responsibility for my life. And that is to take responsibility for all these money. And I have not realized what potential actually lies within these money. And how I am able to use them. And instead of simply planning what I need these money for in my life I have just had them lying in my bank-account being a symbol of something that I am not allowed to touch.

And it was a year ago now. That I decided to travel around sweden in a house-van. Something that created major experiences of guilt. In which these money as my savings was brought up. And this time I was going to use all of these savings to be able to travel around europé and live in a house-van. In which, in that experience I was quite an asshole towards my parents. And basically, I was evil. But in that situation, with regards to my money, I wasn’t realistic. And I didn’t have my future in mind as I looked upon what i was going to need these money for. This time I have planned in time, two years forward. What I am going to need my money for. And how much I am going to spend and certain things within my reality. This time I am self-responsible. And I am actually standing up and directing my life and my world to be lived alone. And in this I saw that I had money that i could spend. And I saw that in my expression with music I require more instruments to make the songs I want to do. So it was a common sense decision. Planned and executed without any major experience. It’s just now afterwards that many experiences keep coming up. That i find to be completely unnessecary. Because it’s not like I am walking in the dark. I mean. I have actually researched this decision to see if it would work. And it’s a practical decision based upon common sense.
So, it’s fascinating to see how deeply rooted my distrust for myself is. Because I have fucked around a lot in the past. And at that time I believed myself to be self-honest. But in reality I just lived in my own bubble, where I would be taken care of for the rest of my life. This isn’t so anymore. I am actually standing up now to take responsibility for all parts of my life.

And I realize that I can’t trust that life will go smoothly and magical. I must actually find my income in this world. And I must direct myself to create my income. And in my studies I must direct myself. And with my music I must direct myself. I must actually take responsibility for the direction of my life. And this is what I am still uncomfortable towards doing due to my past. Because as I said. In my past everything that I did was falling a part. Nothing wanted to work or come out the way that I wanted it to work or come it. It simply fell apart and vanished.

Like me going to be a dive-instructor. I simply gave up. And all the money I had spent was spent for nothing. And this is what I fear that i am going to do yet again. That I am simply going to spend money. And all my money is going to be spent for nothing. I realize that it’s up to me to give direction to myself. And it’s up to me to see that the money I am spending isn’t actually spent in vain. But that I am spending my money in ways which will support me to establish a equal monetary system on this earth. The music instruments purchased today will do just that. So mind. Shut the fuck up. I am not fucking interessted in existing in personal experiences. I am fucking interested in applying myself to get this shit done.

As I woke up and moved myself today I had quite an easy time staying in breath. Or very easy. I realized that self-movement was here as breath. And I lived that. As I came back from Helsingborg, I had started to loose that silence within me and instead reactions where starting to come up. I am not sure though, whether this reactions simply where uncovered through breathing. It doesn’t actually matter. It’s here and I simply deal with what is here.

While I was in Helsingborg I saw a couple, a family, that was very fucking strange in all fucking ways. They had a child with some kind of disorder. And the parents where completely fucking lost in their role of these authoritive, and wise parents. Not seeing how much they where fucking around. They where placing rules upon this kid in every moment. And then he didn’t want to obey those rules and then they started to fight. Fucking fascinating to see such an abusive family. And the child was under developed. Almost retarded. It was fascinating to see how different children where treated. I mean all parents where complete assholes towards their children. Completel fucking assholes. The abuse towards children is exstensive. I saw a mother coming to her children. Saying in authoritive voice. You are going to eat everything! What the fuck is the common sense in that? Don’t you eat because you are hungry?

What the fuck is the point of eating when you are not hungry? And what has this mother got to do with how another eats. I mean the family is the we. That is the fucked up thing about the family. It’s a composition of people that is called a WE. And each one in this WE want the WE to be something. Because when the WE is presenting a specific symbol, than the one in that WE is satisfied. This is how almost everyone functions. And the result is a fucking prison. Where children get imprisoned since a very small age to do exactly as their parents tell them to do. There is no consideration for who the child is. And for how the child actually experiences him or herself. It’s simply nothing. The child is to obey the parents and there isn’t anything more to it.

And obviously there seems to be parents that are able to be equal to their children in expression. And often those relationships are much more relaxed and mutually enjoyable. Where both are enjoying each-others expression. There is no real hazzle. I saw that the other day. When a mother gave her son the ability to purchase a ice-cream. And she simply stood as his support in that moment and allow him to do anything with no judgement. Simply supporting him to act effectively in that moment. It was cool to see. And the child was enjoying himself exstensively.

It’s cool to see children. They are like from another planet. Completely different from parents. They are much more observant. And when they look at you they look into you and they see you. They become fascinated with you. And they sit and they observe very silently. Mostly never saying anything at all. And it’s fascinating to see them. And they take much shit from parents. Lot’s of shit. And parents. I don’t know why they are not seeing what they are doing. Would have been the same? Would have done the same? I doubt it. I doubt I would have done that. I have always wanted to give everyone their chance to live as they want. Their chance to live and express as they would like to do.

And i have attempted to apply this in a working situation. But that costed me my job and my income.
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed over having wanted to travel around in europé with a car
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to be ashamed that i haven’t lived self-responsibility in my life
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become ashamed that i have spoken about responsibility ot other
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in being able to deal with money
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe myself to fear that i am going to mess up if i take decision in my life and direct the money that is in my life as i see fit
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for having bought instruments for over 10 000 kronor
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become ashamed and be ashamed that i am rich
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my mother is going to say when she see that i’ve bought new instruments
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my father is going to say when he see’s that i’ve bought new instruments
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to mess up my economy
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to take decisions as i took one year ago, and disregard everything in my life and my future, and the world, simply to get what i desire to get
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that i haven’t made much money in my life
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that i am using my parents saved up money to buy musical instruments with
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become ashamed over myself that i haven’t earned my own money
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that i was born rich and that i’ve been able to travel around in my life and do whatever i have wanted to do
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that i’ve been ablet o live such a comfortable life
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that i’ve been able to buy whatever it is that i’ve wanted in my life
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel guilty for being born fortunate in this world
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and shameful for being able to buy whatever i want to buy
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and shameful towards those that have nothing
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and shameful towards those that have nothing to eat
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up as one of those that have nothing to eat
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear taking decisons in regards to money in fear of placing myself in debt or in a position where i don’t have anything at all
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being placed in a position where I don’t have anything at all
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to value money
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see money as something that i svalueable
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed over buying something that is very expensive
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to call buying something that is very expensive being spoiled
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being called spoiled
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear being seen as spoiled
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as spoiled
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents, or people that i meet will call me spoiled because i haven’t earned my money myself
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that money is only valid if hard work lies behind them
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed over myself for having possesions
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed over myself for having musical instruments
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself that i’ve had the ability to buy and have food in every day of my life while others have not
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish that i was rather poor so that i woulnd’t need to feel ashamed and guilty of simply existing
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and guilty for simply exisitng
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel dirty and bad when i buy a new thing
40. I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that it’s not the act of buy that creates this dirtiniess, but my participation within thoughts and energy
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the money that my parents gave to me and doing what I want to do with them
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create experiences
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what the desteni people might think when they see how many instruments that i have aquired
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the desteni people are going to call me rich and spoiled
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t like or won’t have the instruments in my compositions in fear that i will have bought them in vain
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for buying them in vain
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and ashamed of having been given money by my parents to survive in this world
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to taket hese money and waste upon things that i don’t really need in fear that the struggle of my parents to amount this money will be for nothing
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear annulating the struggle of my parents
50. I forgive myself that i have accepte dand allowed myself to fear disregarding and disrespecting money
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowd myself to see money as this hole substance that i am not allowed to do anything bad with such as waste it
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react when i have chats with sunette
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when i am chatting with sunette
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid when i am chatting with sunette
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself with my parents
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must lick my parents buts
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be nice and pleasing towards my parents and authorities
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards authorities
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than authorities
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid posting videos on the web where i show that i have many verious instrumnets
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being judged for having various many instruments
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that i won’t use all my instruments
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t doa ny music and that all my equipment will simplys tand here and not be of any benefit to anyone
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anna is going to judge me as spoiled for having bought several new instruments
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anna is going to judge me as spoiled and without and clear view of reality
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself fear that anna is going to dislime because i have bought a base
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t be satisfied with my bass
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i should rather have waited and bought another bas for my money
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i have spent my money unnessecarily
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i have spent my money
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving away all my money to desteni
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear how easy it is to be able to fuck myself in this reality
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking myself in this reality
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting all my money and then not being able to move myself in this reality at all
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that csn won’t give me loan
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am having to much money and that i should rather give more money to desteni
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not giving more money to desteni
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to be afraid of looking scientifically upon my money as to how much it will cost to live during this two years that are to come, in fear that i will make a wrong calculation and then fuck myself
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear that the desteni income plan won’t work
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not going to be able to support myself effectively with the desteni incomce plan
81. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear that i am disgusting bernard because i have not given desteni enough support
82. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want something back for the support that i give desteni
83. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want something back for me living and applying myself as what is best for all
84. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear living love thy neighbour as thyself
85. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up my personality
86. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing death and stand here without any fear of dying
87. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear simply let go of my fear of failing in this life and not having any money left, in fear of dying
88. I forgive myself that i have acepted and allowed myself to exist and live and express myself from the starting point of fear of death

Money and Arousal

2010-09-03T14:37:00.000-07:00

Today has been quite a intense day. It was long since I had such a intense day. Obviously created through my foolish participation in thoughts. And obviously I also pay the price. It's not a very though price. It's just very unnessecary to create these experiences of myself.

So today, I decided to review my money. After Bernard bringing up this point. He spoke about the subscription forum. And also he spoke about savings. And i've realized. I have a lot of savings that aren't used. And so I decided to put them to use. At first I wanted to donate everything to Desteni. Later I went through the costs of two years. Because that is how long I am expecting these savings to last. And I realized that I won't be able to support Desteni with donations at this moment. I realized that the money will be much more beneficial with me. Because I need them to build my foundation upon which I will generate money at a later stage. And through those money I am going to be able to support Desteni, much, much more effectively. Which I see to come true in about four years of effective and consistent application.

These money that I have now as savings will allow me to focus upon this point more intently. I will not need to labour during my holidays. I simply focus everything and all upon making the Desteni Income Plan work. And if that does work. Which I am almost certain that it will. Because Bernard has never had wrong before. Then obviously this is such a cool solution. And when I have much money. Hell, there is going to be changes around here.

So that is my decision in terms of money. To keep them with me at this point until I get the Desteni Income Plan to be stable for me. And that will be in some years. But for now, I will need these money to go through with my studies.

Today have been a day of ideas also. And a day of desires. And a day of much thoughts. My brilliant idea was to create a blog, and with this blog each day take photographs. I noticed how much I enjoy to take photographs, and how much more interesting a blog becomes with photographs. And so I am going to buy a camera. And I have it clear to myself what I am going to do to create attention for myself on internet. I am going to use music. And I am going to use photographs, vlogs, writing. And my blog will be a central point. It will look really cool and have a simple and accesible adress. I am at this moment preparing the nessecary steps to be able to make music the way I have planned. Which I am going to do through forming a one man band, and I will also do music with Anna. I am going to play all the instruments by myself. And shoot it with a video camera. And that way make it interessting. I am going to have all my instruments be simple and accoustic. That way making all my songs in the same theme, and yes, very simple to edit and record. And also brings it back to me. That it's about me and who I am and not about how much sounds I can get.

So I have taken it to heart what Bernard said to me. That it will be entertainment that will get views on youtube. Luckily I have spent a big portion of my life creating skills that will make it easy for me to create entertainment. And as a bonus I enjoy it very much also.

Other prominent thoughts today has been Desire. And it's specifically around one person that I have met her at school. She is a person that I would have, in my pre-programmed life, fallen for totally. Fallen in love that is. And I notice how I constantly think, or how my thoughts hover and go towards her.

It was interessting speaking with her today. I became nervous and frightened as I did so. And it's fascinating the type of thoughts I have had about this point. What I've realized though is that, all so called beauty is very false and not real. Because all pictures will fade away with time. See a so called beautiful girl, will fade away in time and there will only be left dirt. So what I am seeing is that I am giving value to these pictures. I am actually directing my life according to pictures. Without realizing that these pictures are very unstable and that they will go away. And then I will have lived, and directed myself, for something that doesn't stand here eternally.

I am the only part of my reality that is eternal. Me as the physical. Not as the pictures of the physical. But as the physical. The touch, the breath, me being here. If I construct and build my life around pictures then I am setting myself up to realize that I have fucked myself in my life. And not realized myself. But i've instead been walking around attempting to satisfy desires that aren't real. Pictures. And in how many life's before this life have I not managed to get the perfect picture female to live her life with me. And I ended up dead in that life to. All that I managed to get in this life dissepeared, and I dissepeared also. Because I never lived according to who I am as eternity.

So, the point I am facing is the desire for a relationship. And this girl is placed in my reality very specifically to test my application. I will not be suprised if she will actually approach me and openly show her interest in me. Flaunting to me that all I need to do is to simply say the words. And the relationship will be started. I will not be suprised. This two year time loop is showing me that. And I realize that the point here is to prove that I can stand and walk with another and not be defined or controlled by any picture, any want or desire. And I have decided to walk with Anna. I have decided such because we are both walking this process together. We are both self-aware enough to assist and support each-other. With Anna, I am not pre-programmed to walk. I am pre-programmed to enter a relationship with a picture perfect female. And it's fascinating that she is also involved in art.

Because I remember thinking as I grew up that, I wanted a girl that was interessted in art. And in music. In some kind of expressive behaviour. And here she is. With the picture perfect body proportions. Simply showing in my face the point that I have accepted and allowed within my mind to control me. Namely. Desire. And this might be the biggest point that everyone is going to face in this reality. The point of sex and the total addiction to sex. Because I have seen that I would not be drawn to this girl if it wasn't for how she looked. Her looks is what creates this reaction within me. If she would have looked as everyone else there would have been no reaction or experience within me. But now she looks as the picture perfect girl, and that creates reactions within me. And also brings up lot's of arousal, and such things.

What I also desire, or see in her as being desirable. Is a expression of innocence, courage, stability and playfulness. I see that. When I talked to her today I noticed that she didn't experience much fear at all. She was very calm and didn't have many masks created. And that was basically my experience of her.

It's funny that female friends have ended for me. As soon as there is a relationship, or something. As soon as I want to spend more time with a girl there is always this thought behind it. Where sex is controlling me. Being with a girl unconditionally doesn't exist within me. And it's quite fucked up. If put away all theskins and only see skelletons everywhere. My eyes would wander differently, and my head would turn differently. Now my head and my eyes goes for patches of flesh and skin that i've defined as desirable. And my life becomes controlled by these colours and shapes. It's quite amazing really. That I am in total hypnosis only seeing colors and shapes. And following these colors and shapes and creating my life around these colors and shapes. Because that is what the female physical body is. It's a color, and it's a shape. And then obviously, some shitty energetic experience of arousal is connected to these shapes. And then the enslavement is there. A shape and a color would be useless alone. There must be some context, something that validates the lie. And that is arousal.

So I am working with these points exstensively. Because I won't allow myself to fall on this point. And through applying self-forgiveness I am assuring my standing upon this point. And I am assuring my understanding on this point as what it is that I am walking through, and why I am to walk the decision I am walking.

So thanks!

Observations and realizations

2010-09-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Today have been a day of quite intense facing of myself. I have pushed myself to breath and stop all participation in the mind. As I always does. Today I have been quite effective in stopping some regular and returning experiences. It's fascinating to observe myself. When I am reacting I can always get a physical hunch that I am reacting. I feel it as if something is out of place, something is wrong. And then as I breath in I let go of the initial energetic possesion and that is when I can feel what parts of my body are tense. And then as I breath out I allow to let go of these tensions.

At some parts during this day I entered small moments where I was crystal clear. And expression was flowing as breath. Those moments are rare and very fun to experience. And then it's back to reality. Where every moment is a moment that you must prove to yourself that you are standing. It's becoming so much who I am, so I don't have any particular problem with simply breathing. Before realizing that I would have to spend every minute, every moment in constant and total awareness of myself seemed boring. But i've realized that the only thing I loose is my mind. And what is that I want to be entertained by? Pictures and feelings and emotions? And I trade that for life as who I am? It's stupid and unacceptable.

Realizing that Ann has been dishonest, exposed as dishonest and spiteful was quite expected. The people that are really standing up are being more visible and the people that never had any intention to stand are falling away. It's fascinating that it is here we are determining who is going to continue participation in existence and who is forever to be deleted. Because if you don't prove yourself to stand as life. Acting in the benefit of all in every moment. Then you where never real to begin with. Because you where in seperation from who you really are as all. So it's fascinating to see this play out. I've never had a doubt about myself. I have known since I found Desteni that this is what I am going to do in my life fullheartedly. And I have done so. And fucked myself in the process, yet become stronger than I could have ever imagined myself to be in the process also. First fucking myself, then growing myself.

It's not a growing. It's realization of who I am here as equality. As silence and as breath. As this process have expanded, and become more clear, more defined I have changed. Yet I can't see my change as I look back. I can't see how much this process has actually been walked. What we at Desteni has actually walked through. And it's been done in every moment. And it's simply fascinating to see.

As Bernard said that all humans where going to be deleted, I didn't have any reaction. I am actually not afraid of being deleted from existence. I have nothing against. I doubt that I actually can be removed from existence. It feels strange to think that I could actually dissepear totally and not have the slightest experience. Strange to not exist at all. But I am not afraid of it. I would have been afraid of it before. But as i've applied myself the fear of loosing myself has dimished exstensively. It would actually be quite comfortable to be deleted forever and simply not exist. I wonder how it would be to actually be deleted, I remember I used to imagine myself that as a child. To simply not exist. I couldn't get a real picture of it. I couldn't get a real picture of it when I imagined eternity either. Those where two concepts my mind couldn't concieve. Death and eternity. It was just totally blank and a feeling of non-reality came to it.

At school I have been very quiet today. I have not desired to speak or interact with anyone. As I first came here I wanted to speak and find out who everyone was. But as the time have passed I see that I am not really, I don't really want that. I am very content with simply doing my things. And having small interactions with people as i go to lessons, or meet someone by the busstop, or in the kitchen. These friendships are completely gone from my life. I actually have no friend at this school which I have created a relationship of friendship with. And I am very much alone as I go to the lunch resturant to eat.

I feel quite bored as I am to sit down and eat. Because there is no one i particularly like to interact with and speak with. Or it was simply my day and how I experienced myself. But I can't speak with people about my passion and about what I really care and burn for. Which is self-honesty, writing, self-forgiveness and equality. Real things. Nobody else knows about these things or are remotely interested in these things. So I am finding myself, to at least today, have nothing I have wanted to speak about.

In the high-school preperation class we are now going to work together in a group. I gave the proposition to make a group-work about money. It wasn't especially liked. And it was more this silence of non-acceptance than any words being uttered about it. And I saw how much I wanted our assignment to be about, to be around the topic I choose. But I realize I must let go of this want. In school my primary objective is not to do what I like. But simply to do what I need to do to get a good grade. And so at the next meeting I am going to suggest that we all pick a subject we want. We all share what we would like to work about. And then we find a way to intermingle all these topics into one.

Which is obviously the point of equality within the whole. To take each-ones want. To make everyone compromise a little bit. So that we each get to do something we enjoy to do. And that way we will also be able to decide effectively.

I found that I was, in a quite reactive mode as the topic of our work was discussed. And I noticed the Henrik became the man who stood for the direction in the group. But there was no real direction in the group. We couldn't agree, Henrik is a interessting individual. He speaks very much out of context many times. Bringing in things to discussion which there was nothing of before.

I don't know why he does so. But guess it's a inability, a total inability to focus and concentrate upon what is here. He is though, he has some cool abilities of direction, and assertiveness. Which is very cool to see. I like when he gets confronted. And he simply cuts back as fast as a snake with biting common sense. And he doesn't do it in any energy. He simply responds very fast, without taking any shit. And those that he does this with get's quite offended and also shocked. Because that type of directness is not very usual in sweden.

He is indeed quite unusual. Not fearful or scared at all. And when he speaks he sometimes have this straight, very straight directness of what he have seen. It's fun to see. He's not as masked, and totally possesed by the idea of being someone as others are. Even though I can't say nothing about no-one. Everyone in my class, each individual I face have a unique and individual expression. There is something about each and every individual that takes that individual apart from another in terms of self-expression. And I really doubt what Bernard say, that no one yet has a self, is that really so? What is it that I am seeing in the eye's of people? I don't know. But sometimes the expression of people are so full, and honest, and total, it's just a beauty to see.

At about mid-day today I entered a depression without any clear reason. It was after I had showered. Which meant I was very tired. I sat down in my chair and I entered a very low period. As I started to apply self-forgiveness and move myself within the SRA course I noticed how I slowly got myself out of that energetic experience. And it was interesting to see how my depression, slowly, but surely, for each sheet that I did. Vanished. Until the point where I had no depression left. But instead a warmth started spreading in my chest. It's this warmth and openeness, that I would like to be within at all times. Because existing as this experience of warmth, and excitement in my chest, but I don't think that it is excitement. Because it doesn't go away. It comes, and it can stay for days. Hours. Just as the warmth can stay for hours and days.

But today it went away. And I have no clear reason why. But I managed to bring myself out of it. And that has changed my entire day actually. If I hadn't brought myself out of that. I would have still existed as that low-point. It was fascinating to see how the low-point came upon me and suprised me. It started after the high-school preperation class. Or even before that even. When I started to experience much fear.

And as I came to the last profile I just sat and looked straight ahead, and breathing. I say just. Because in that moment I defined it as something wrong. I am still fighting with myself in terms of what is right and what is wrong expression. But what i noticed at that moment was that. I was very low, very tired, exhausted even. Actually I had been as such the entire day. Exhausted and tired.

Ok, I am going to continue about this some other time. Good night!

What i've gone through today

2010-08-31T12:35:00.000-07:00

So, quite a hectic day in terms of self-direction. Words that has echoed in my head has been the words that the resonances spoke to Marlen. To be self-honest and direct her world as she wants to have it. As what she accept and allows and does not accept and allow.

This is what I did today. I got in a group where one guy was a shit-mouth. A shit-mouth is someone that is deceptive, he speaks behind others back and is nasty. Now, I don’t want that in my world. And I don’t particularly like Lina either, and not Martin either.

It’s not that I don’t like. It’s simply that they are mind-based in their actions. Lina, no actually I can’t say that. I don’t dislike them at all. The only thing that I don’t want to allow in my world is people speaking shit. Because that is just fucking unacceptable. And when it’s shit spoken from judgement. With no common sense. No equality. It’s just unacceptable. And thus I switched group. Because I saw my experience with the group I had choosen from the beginning. And I didn’t want that.
My first solution and thought was to only interact with them as little as possible. But then I thought. Why do I even do that? Why don’t I allow me to give me worth and simply not accept and allow bullshit in my world in any case at all. Where I am not absolutely forced to do it. Which is not in many cases. I mean I wouldn’t accept and allow self-compromise for money in terms of accepting shit talk about others in my world. If I had a employeer with that behaviour I wouldn’t participate at all with him. And simply keep the job for money. But I wouldn’t allow myself to fuck around and decieve others and myself to get to keep a job. Nope, not that social part of it. I wouldn’t.

So that is my statement. And Jesper as his name is. I simply won’t accept and allow him within my world anymore. And not Lina and Martin either. But I am not sure about this, I mean I will probably interact with them. But I won’t place myself in moments with them where they are beginning to bullshit. That is not where and what I want to be equal with. And at this point it’s only Jesper that I won’t accept and allow myself to interact as such with.

Yet there is no one else. Fanny is also a point that I can’t trust to have in my world. Both are quite deceptive.
So i’ve begun to move myself specifically living equality as who I am. Yet I am still holding on to many points of pre-programming that makes hard to fucking impossible to live equality. And here I am specifically speaking about my fear of conflict that has come up today.

It came up as my coffe jar went missing. And I want out to look for it. I faced people and I asked for my coffe jar. And as I did so I noticed that I became afraid because I felt like there was beginning, coming a conflict. And I was in quite a conflict and hunting mode, where I searched for righteousness. So nervous, and fear of conflict. But I mean, yes, I allowed fear. Quite a long time since I reacted as such because these last days i’ve been insanely stable in comparison to other times. Like i’ve passed an invisible line. And I am now able to actually not be afraid and scared all the time.
Even if I do experience fear and nervoussness quite a bit still.

So that is how i’ve experienced myself today. I am getting quite ruthless in my application. Like I am not anymore playing many games with people. I am becoming quite insane in a way in comparison to others. Because I simply don’t care anymore about human relations. And human expression. It’s fun to let go of this world totally and in all ways. Because everything becomes a play, I am playing all the time. With no fear this world reveals itself as what it really is. It’s of no importance. If I die or if I live. What really happens to me is of no importance. Because I am here at all times anyway.
So I am enjoying my new found silence. I am enjoying realizing that I am quite powerful, in terms of directing myself. If there is no fear then what is there that can stop me? The most dangerous person is a person that has nothing to loose. I have nothing to loose because I haven’t aquired anything. I am letting everything go. And as such I am becoming very dangerous. Because I won’t stop at anything. I will simply walk and walk until I am done with this process. That is what i’ve seen that I will do.

And to mind-systems I will become dangerous. I will probably be feared by people. But let’s stop this future projection nonsense and remain here.

At the moment I have just experienced lot’s of fear. Still there is these small instances of fear that I experience with people. Which I am actually seeing how I am creating myself. Through a thought, and then through me creating a emotion. But other than that. I am able to stop my fear now much more effectively. And when I notice that i go into the lock-in, which I call it, I am able to from that lock-in direct myself as my body to stop to lock in. In and as breath. Which stops all seperation. And I am here as I do it. Realizing equality.

And that is basically what i’ve to write today. I am going to write before i got to bed also. What more is there to write about. My fear of conflict and people. Yes, it was fascinating today. When I was standing with people. And I suddenly noticed that I didn’t fear girls at all. That girls was equal to men. And I don’t know. I smelled the girls, and I simply stood by them, and I could see how much I enjoyed to be with a girl and not go into or be in any kind of experience. I have had many of these desires come up.

There is one girl in the art school that I found very pretty. I found myself thinking about her. And it bothers me that I am thinking about girls when I am walking an agreement with Anna. It also bothers me that I am in a agreement with anna and that I am not free so to speak. Free to hit on and take all girls that I encounter to become my girls. So what is it that I am searching for, what is it that I want. In terms of the art girl I want to have the body of perfection. Because that is what she represents to me. And her face represents the face of perfection. Simply looking at her was very cool. And I know that I am fucking myself here now into some kind of love construct. But, let me continue to write it out.

Seeing her the first day. I remember that I reacted to her body type, to her hair type, and I remember that she looked at me. And as we meet this time I saw how she looked at me intensly. Sort of trying to figure me out, trying to see me, kind of in awe of my expression and my standing. Like she wanted to know how I was able to stand there so silent and enjoying in my expression.

And I remember that I looked at her several times, and that the others in the conversation sort of dissepeared. As I just looked at her over and over. And I mean the dream is to find the perfect one. And this is the point that I might fall at in my process. Where I give up a agreement that is walked in self-support. And that self-support is to walk with another in writing, and in communication. And this is actually working between me and Anna. To instead be with the picture perfect picture.

And I remember that I was thinking. Why is it always sex that is attracting me towards girls? Why is there never a desire to simply be with a girl. The point of wanting to be with a girl always has this thing behind it, where sex is a possibility. Just as I wanted to interact with my friends because they had weed. So I realized. Then why not become friends with a girl. And simply communicate with a girl. And that way see if what I am feeling is real. What I am feeling is real. What I mean by that is. Am I wanting to be with another because of who they are. Or do I want to be with another because I find their picture pretty, and I want to have sex with them.

With Anna, i’ve realized that it was mostly because I wanted to have sex with her. And I have not realized how though it would be to walk this agreement. And how much the mind will go to other girls. How much the mind wants to have someone else. And a specific picture to that. I thought that I would be satisfied when I got into a agreement with Anna. But it turns out that I am not satisfied at all. My mind is still wanting relationships with others girls.

So the solution is to simply not participate at all within this. And simply breath through any of these experiences. And if the moment opens up. To communicate unconditionally to get to know the being. Instead of being posssesed with the picture that the being presents. Because that is essentially the issue that I am facing. That I am placing the picture. Which is that which is dead. Before the physical as the expression, as that which is alive and here and equal within and as everyone.

1. Fear of conflict
2. Fear of death
3. Fear of people
4. Desire to have sex
5. Desire to leave agreement
6. Desire to get new girl
7. Desire to achieve
8. Desire for conflict
9. Guilt for conflict
Fear of conflict
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people getting angry, irritated with me
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people are yelling at me
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will become angry at me and call me names
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when people are angry
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear upsetting people
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying or doing something that will mae another angry at me
8. I forgive myself tht i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted and fear confronting
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something in wrong in fear that another will become angry at me and confront me
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when people are screaming and are angry and frustrated
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that want to have a physical fight
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to want to want to challenge me in a physical fight
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are are going to hit me in my stomach
14. I forgive myself that i ave accepted and allowed myself to fear hurting peoples feelings, and making people frustrated and angry
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people might do or say if they get frustrated and angry
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a target for verbal abuse of people get angry and frustrated
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to scream at me and tell me that i am a pain in the ass
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear bieng a pain in the ass for another in fear that another will become angry at me
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear shouts
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are turning their eye browns down and screaming at me
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being screamed and shouted at
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear being screamed and shouted at infront of others
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that somneone will become angry and say that i’ve done wrong
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will become frustrated and tell me that i’ve done wrong
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something that another might think that i have no right to do in fear that the person is going to become angry at me and scream at me
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having peopel coming close to my face and screaming at me and wanting to challenge me on a physical fight
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to call me names when i am not prepared
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to call me demeaning names when i am in a conflict and they get angry
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that demeaning names have any power or control over me if i don’t allow it
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being called a dork, fat, ugly, stupid, inferior
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that jesper is going to become pissed of at me
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fear that people are getting angry and frustrated at me
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that linus is getting angry at me when i am turning and moving myself as i am sitting behind him
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am making people angry with what i say or what i do
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to confront me and stand straight ahead of me and speak towards me and tell me that i am doing wrong
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when people are speaking directly to me
37. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted adna llowed myself to fear being confronted directly by other people in fear of facing another being angry
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide and go into fear and inferiorty when another gets angry
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear that i will become physically abused when another becomes angry
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being physically abused
41. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear being hit or thrown down to the ground without expecting
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will suddenly explode without any sort of warning
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expresisng myself around people in fear that my expression might createa reaction of anger in another that i can’t fore-see
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear the unpredictable nature of man
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i can’t predict how people are going to be and act around me in fear that i don’t know if and when they are going tob ecome angry
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to supress, hide, and hold myself back i order to not make people angry in order to avoid conflict
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to believe that i can be hurt or loose myself within a conflict
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear that i will become humiliated in a conflict
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear that i will become nervous, and fearful and uncomfortable in a conflict
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will get myself enemies and people that will become angry at me and hold this anger into the future with people
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are looking angrily at me
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity and the seriousness of anger
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear that anything might happen when another is angry, that it migth go from physical violence, to any sporadic and not prepared action, in fear how this will influence me and my experience of myself within my world
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear that i am going to get hit by a fist straight on my jaw
55. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will become shaken or screamed straight in my face
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will become grabbed by my shirt and lifted up in the sky
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear how i will act and what i will do if another desires to have a physical fight with me
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are going to react violently towards me
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear violence
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear fighting
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people wanting to hurt other people
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are lost in anger
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted adna llowed myself to fear people that are possesed by anger
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself tojudge myself for being possessed with anger with my father
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to judge myslef and be ashamed for wanting to hit my father
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being screamed at close range
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hurled by a angry man
68. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are physically bigger than me in fear that they are going to physically hurt me
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear drunken people in fear that they are going to become angry at me and want to hit me and have a conflict with me
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people men that are screaming and are becoming violent as they get drunk
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking directly with people
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to fear conflict without any rational reason
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to believe that a conflict can hurt me
74. I forgive myself hta ti have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a conflict can take something away from me
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a conflict is dangerous
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that fighting is dangerous
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dying is dangerous
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something in a conflict that might ignite further anger and frustration in another
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something, speaking, expressing myself in the classroom in fear being confronted for what i say
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to be spoken against
81. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to be challenged and that i am going to have people that are against me
82. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that peopel can influence, that people actually can be against me, not realizing that such a point of polarity can only exist if i exist within polarity and no here as breath
83. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and expressing myself in fear that people are going to become frustrated
84. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear frustrated people
85. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to yell loudly at me
86. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into fear when people yell loudly at me
87. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into fear when people speak towards me, call my name
88. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to become angry and furious with me
89. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are furious
90. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myslef to fear that people are going to loose all control and go completely berserk
91. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to go berserk physically and simply express themseleves with no consideration at all for others
92. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are becoming furious
93. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define furios as a bad, negative, and fearful expression, or a exrpession that i should be afraid of
94. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear authorities, and to fear being confronted by a authority
95. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted with having done or behaved, or expressed, or lived in a wrong way by a authority
96. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear reprecussions with authorities
97. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear expressing , enjoying myself in fear that people are going to become angry and that i will experience the reprecussions of that anger
98. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear people that have power to change things in my life
99. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear the principle and my teacher
100. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my friends, my classmates
101. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone is going to become angry at me infront of others
102. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear making a scene infront of others
103. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confonted infront of others, because i feel humiliated, and afraid of what others might think about me and see in me
104. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when i am confronted
105. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that i might say or do something as i am confronted that will awaken reactions in those that are watching the confrontation
106. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed being confronting, or confronting another infront of others in fear of making a scene
107. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear being a part of a scend and a drama, where people turn their attention towards me and start to in their minds judge how i am expressing myself, and if i am the good or the bad person in the conflict
108. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted infront of others by a teacher
109. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t have anything to say if i am being confronted infront of others by a teacher
110. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to become humiliated when i am confronted and that those that are watching me as i am confronted will laugh and find me stupid
111. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted in fear that the person confronting me is finding a weakness in me and is finding something that i am holding dear and is attacking that infront of others, inf ear that others will look down upon me and see me as inferior
112. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a inferior anda looser infront of others
113. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined as a looser by others
114. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined as a failure by others
115. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined and seen as a stupid person by others
116. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a victim, and as bullied and ridiculed by others
117. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going tob e apart of a scene, that i am going to express and open, and show myself infront of others in words and physical expression
118. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uptight and inferior when others are looking at me as i am expressing and communicating and moving myself
119. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and fear expressing myself in fear that people are going to say against me
120. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and fear expressing and enjoying myself in fear that people are going to overvoice me, ignore me, and judge me loudly
121. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and expressing myself in fear that people will find me boring and stupid to listen to
122. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as being stupid and boring to listen to
123. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to define and see me as hurtful as i speak, and become angry and frustrated with me
124. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in fear of hurting another, or saying something that might create a reaction in another where I am bad
125. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mysefl to fear expressing myself in fear that people are going to think and say that i don’t have the right to express myself in this occasion
126. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people decide who i am and what i do
127. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear expressing myself and eltting go, in fear that people are going to become angry at me and think that i am overstepping my boundries
128. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking and walking over the boundries of people in fear that people are going to become angry at me
129. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking in fear that people are openly going to judge and confront what i say, and me, as stupid nad inferior
130. If orgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted
131. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and enjoying myself, in fear that peoplea re going to say that i am speaking bullshit, and that i shouldn’t open my muth
132. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are liking what i say and do in order for me to feel comfortable in expressing and enjoying myself as self-expression
I am here
I am self-confidence
I am stability
I am self-expression
I am self-trust
I am self-independence
I am self-assertiveness
I am self-hereness
I am hereness
I am presence
I am fearlessness
I will myself to live fearlessness. I realize it’s a process. And to not create time-loop where I expect myself to live a word I am not ready for. I will myself to live fearlesness in every breath. As I realize it will be a process to stand completely and totally as fearlesness here in every moment of breath.

Some Desires coming up

2010-08-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

So, hello blog. Though communication method to reach other people. Reaching out to all these angry and depressed souls, which I don't mean literally, only as a way of speaking. Reaching out to you poor fellow man that is fucking angry and is feeling helpless. I got the solution. It's to forgive yourself. And write yourself to freedom! Solution is found. Now simply apply it until you can let go of your anger and sadness! That's what I did.

So where am I within my process of purificition. Today was a strange day. Because I was so silent all the time. For no apparent reason. Just silence in most of my interactions with other people. I mean I was very fucking stable. Don't know why. Suddenly I was just very stable. And I ventured through my day being stable. Doing all the things I had told myself to do. And now I am here lying in my bed. Writing about all the things that I have done today.

The most prominent thought pattern that I've faced today has been around my new computer. The computer that my father brought here, and that I said I was going to do music and edit video on. It turns out that my current computer is actually more suitable. And it is actually quite fine. So I will have to call my dad tomorrow and tell him that. The computer he brought here is not sufficient. And that the best will be to simply leave it where it is. As attempting to sell it. It would bring cash. Yes, around 3000, I am uncertain if anyone would buy. I am going to bring it up to my dad.

I noticed that I many times felt guilty, and bad that I asked my dad to bring the computer here. And he have decided to come down here to help me even further with it. And now I am rejecting the help. How bad that is. Or this is what I am pre-programmed to think. But I am pushing for self-honesty. And in self-honesty I see that I don't need this computer.

I also felt guilty that my father had bought a new cord for me, and droven all the way here with the computer. Like a guilt that I brought this entire project to start. When I in the end realize that I don't really need the computer at all. What I learn from this is to do some research before I actually start to move things around in my world. As this will save me from a lot of moving. And a lot of physical unnessecary labour. I mean, why connect any other feeling or emotion to this event other than what the event is physically. And physically, practically, this event is that a lot of movement has been done. Yet in the end it's realized that the movement has been to no avail. Because the hardware, the point of movement wasn't sufficient. I should have checked that before. It would have saved me a lot of trouble. But I wouldn't have faced this point of self-direction though. So I stop this computer journey tomorrow. Because I realize that it won't support me. Selling it is something that I can still do and that will still support me.

Other than that a few pestering thoughts have been thoughts around buying new musical equipment. Yet again, I can't seem to let go of this shit. It became activated yet again when the prospect opened up in my world of becoming rich. Oh, god, there was much shit that surfaced as I realized that I can become rich. It was like a shit-storm of desires came up that I had supressed because I never thought I would be able to satisfy them. And suddenly this points opens up where I am told that I will be rich. And not a little rich. But very rich. And it's like all these fantasies suddenly come to life.

And I am very much aware of the fantasies. They have to do with music and building my own musical studio. I still desire to have my own little appartment and life, because that is what a studio is representing to me. It's a escape from reality where I can stand and make music and not pay attention to what is going on outside my little house at all. I am in a giant play-house. And I have all the things I want to have to be able to play-around. Everything that I desire can materialize infront of my eyes. That has been a dream I remember. As a young boy I remember that I desired to be able to materialize things out of thin air. And I remember that I desired to materialize toys, and the things that I wanted. And I was quite dissepointed that I couldn't materialize them out of thin air. That there was no possibility for me to do so at all.

But now when money comes in as a oppurtunity. Oh god, suddenly I can materialize what I want in every way. Because money is the good. It is the god of this reality. And are you aligned with god. Sitting on gods right side, lol, then you have everything. It's quite a big responsibility to own lot's of money in this reality.

Anyway. So i've realized the importance of working with what is here in all ways. Of not going into the mind to project myself into the future. But to always when I move myself, move myself from what I already have here. And from what is reasonable to be able to manifest here. If I don't do that. Then I am going to stand still and stomp into the ground. As I wait for my future to manifest so I can begin to move myself. That is pro-crastination. It doesn't work like that. Self-movement is here. And that is the important thing.

I've realized how important it is that I move myself with my internet participation. That is how I am going to bring in music, and vlogging and blogging. And I will have time to do it on the weekends. Music that is. Maybe some on the weekdays. What I don't want though is to think about it. I don't want any fear at all to be connected to my participation. I simply want to do it in the moment, and when I am done I want to be able to let it go. And nothing remains of what I just did.

At the moment I notice I am still thinking to much about what to do, when to do it, how to do it. It's still not only a expression that is here. but it's in my mind. And that goes with almost all of what I am doing. But mostly music. And the only solution is to stop all these thoughts of how I am going to move myself within music, what I am going to do, when I am going to do it. Simply stop all thoughts of any projected self-movement. And work here in simplicity. In every moment of breath.

And not work towards my own benefit. But for the benefit of all. Then there is no fear. No desire to succed. No, nothing. I am moving myself for everyone and me as the personality is not here anymore.

Okay, so those are my experience and realizations for today. I am quite finished of writing. Oh, I have also experienced massive amounts of thoughts in relation to a project that I am going to do here in school. Where I am going to take potrait pictures of people. Now that came into my mind several times. Like a fucking bug eating itself into my head. And there was no way I was able to stop it.

Actually I came up with a cool solution as to what I am going to do. I am going to take potrait pictures of people that are doing art. And, if I can't do that, then I will do potrait pictures of people that are cooking, and if I can't do that. Then I'll think of something else. Anyway these thoughts where motivated by fear. Because I realized today. As I sat and discussed my future plans with my teacher. I realized that this was the subject I have not yet payed enough attention to. This is the subject that i've been allowing to slip. And I have waited for someone to give me direction within this subject instead of me giving myself direction. I am also very much afraid of not achieving a good grade at this subject. Because I do want to have a four when I go from this school. Because that would make it so much easier for me to get into law school.

It's quite amazing such a big route I must take, and how much time I must put down to be able to get into law school. And then as I get into law school, I will probably have to put down as much time again.

So anyway, I was quite fearful that I wouldn't find anything that I could do. And that I wouldn't find anyone or anything to take pictures of here at this school. And that I simply wouldn't have cool enough potraits. And that I wouldn't get a good grade from the teacher as a consequence of that. Still much fear of not getting a good grade from the teacher. There is much dependency towards the teacher in terms of what grade it is that you are going to get in school. And that grade in turn determines if you are able to do what you decided to do or not.

Anyway, I am deciding that I am going to take photos of art students. They will probably be quiet open to it. Though I will ask other people to. People that I see and meet on the school. It will be a cool point to face. To simply walk around ask if I can take pictures of people. I won't need a specfic lighting or set. I'll simply take pictures as I walking around and interacting in the world. And i´ll take potraits. And then I´ll write a something to the pictures, and that is what I am going to do. Very simple. I must be quite effective with my time. So that I don't squander it away doing nothing. So tomorrow I am going to ask the art students. And I am going to ask to cooking team. And I also want to take pictures of teachers when they teach. So I am going to ask a couple of teachers if I can take their potrait also. And I will simply take the potrait in the moment. As I see it to be cool. Not giving to much attention to stands and such, it isn't needed if I know the settings of the camera.

Okay, so those are the things that I wanted to discuss. Thanks

Possesion

2010-08-29T11:45:00.001-07:00

There is always a need within me to structure my life according to plans and according to times. I notice this behaviour within me is re-occurent. Where I want to take only one point. And then bring this point into a plan. A sort of idea within my mind of time and how I will over time return to this point and spend time on it. And how I will over time through utilizing this strategy become succesful.

I notice it all the time as I become involved within actions in my world. At the moment. Today I have been participating on the Desteni Forums. It’s been very interessting. Because I have been participating for the first time in a long while. I have been writing to people, and i’ve enjoyed a lot to simply express myself in words.

What i’ve noticed as I did this was a sort of energetic rouse. And a sort of hope, or desire within to be able to make this point of posting on the Desteni forum my purpose in life. And within making this my purpose I felt a nice a feeling welling up in my chest. As I was now having a purpose. What then happened was that I started to plan within my mind how I was going to structure my time to be able to make this purpose mine. How much time would I need to spend on doing this. How often would have to be on the forum. What would I have to give up in the rest of my world to do this?

Now it’s fascinating. I considered giving up music. As I said to myself that I won’t have enough time for music if I am spending time on the forum. It’s fascinating that the mind always searches, and always must place itself according to space and time. Because the mind functions through seeing progress. That is basically what the desire is. The desire i have is to make progress and to become better. And to see this change. That is something that I am completely addicted by I have realized.

What i’ve realized is that. It is possible to not make any plans at all. And only in not making any plans at all. And simply being here. Doing what is here in this moment. Is self-movement and participation actually possible. Because, if I am existing within my mind. Having a goal or a purpose in my mind. Then me here becomes non-existent. And when me here becomes non-existent. Then life becomes non-existent. And my life becomes pointless. Because I am the point. And if I am not here in the equation. Then what is the point?

So this is what i’ve realized. That it’s not nessecary for me to make a plan. It’s not nessecary for me to look into the future and see what I must do and not do. It’s not nessecary with the things that I am currently involved within. Instead. I look here in this moment. What is that I am going to do in this moment? And then I simply do that.

Though in some cases planning is needed. Simply because you realize that a certain amount of time is needed to be placed in a specific action on order to get that action done. Yet, planning from a perspective of saying. This is going to be my purpose in life. This is going to be my life chore. Is unnessecary. Planning is only needed and valid if there is a practical reason for planning. For example. I am doing a song. And I need two more hours of practice to be able to complete the song. Then it’s common sense to direct myself to sit down during two hours to practice the song until I am able to record it.

What is not common sense is to state within such a moment. That I am going to practice and make songs everyday, in the rest of my life, because I am so good at it, and this is what can truly make me something more within this reality. That statement is based upon ideas, upon illusions, and upon energies.

So the only solution I see is to direct myself within each moment. Simply doing what I see is needed to be done and then not thinking anything more about it. Simply stopping all participation in the idea of the future and progression. In the idea of a coming time.

Only utilizing planning and thinking about the future when there is a practical reason to do so.
So I am stopping this short possesion I have experienced now. I realize that this energy that i’ve experienced as I have participated on the Desteni forums have not been real. I realize that participation on the Desteni forum will assist and support me. But I also realize that it’s not nessecary to think about it, plan it, or give it a value. I simply participate in the moment. As I do in my entire life. I don’t need to have plans. And I don’t need to think about what I can handle and what I can’t handle. It’s irellevant in this moment. I can only do what I can do in one breath and not more. And thus I stop thinking. Because thinking is the disease that creates this type of experiences.

Helo

2010-08-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

Today I’ve been very tired, and lazy at some parts. Even though I am acting and moving myself very consistently almost all the time I am not satisfied to rest any day really. It’s like I’ve had enough of resting and lying down and now I simply want to make my time as effective as possible. Do as much things as I can and plan my time as effectively as possible to simply reach a new state of being. Both here individually with myself, and globally.

I am the stand for equality. What I accept will become what I experience. Globally. It’s really simple. I am what I will experience. If I allow myself to exist as energy and as a mind-conciousness system I will also expereince that as a child again.
So that is what I’ve been going through today. When I woke up I stayed in bed this day. I just couldn’t get myself up from the bed. It was quite unusual. I am usually not like that anymore. But this day it was very hard to get myself up from the bed and I slept again. Which has lead to me, feeling almost down the entire day. Never really waking up. But having a sort of sleepiness infront of my eyes.

Anyway, I read a book to keep myself awake. And after a couple of minutes I was ready to get up. And i started to study. I studied for several hours until I was satisfied. And then I went to bed again to rest. The rest after I have studied. Or the middle day rest is a valid rest. That is the time of the day when I have already moved myself a lot. And the body is actually saying, hey, I would like to lie down. So I lied down to read.

I have decided to stop watching movies and only read from now on. Simply because I am pushing my vocabulary skills, and I am pushing myself in all possible and imaginable ways to excell at the test which I have placed upon myself to do. I have realized that I can, I have the possibility of failing. I mean, I always have the possibility of failing. But what I mean is that, I will still be able to apply for a high-school, and move myself towards the profession I have intended for myself. I will probably take that route if I can’t get myself to reach a sufficient score on the test. But I will take that decision then. At the moment I stick with my plan to excell at this test and place myself at the education which I am to walk. It is the easiest path to walk.
So, I’ve been enter the depression today. And I made no effort to get out of it. I went back to sleep. Woke up. But I was still very much existing in depression. And it lasted till about 2ó clock. Then suddenly I was out of it. There seemed to be no real reason behind it. I was just out of it.

So this entire day I have felt sleepy, and lagging behind. And i’ve slept a lot this day. A lot more than usual. It’s strange that somedays just become these days of apathy and lazyness. It was long since I had one of these days.
Anyway, enough of that. I will simply get myself out of bed when I wake up. And if I experience extreme resistance, a usefull solution is to sit down and write until I have gotten myself out of it. Usually it’s a stupid small point that I must just write out to be able to snap out of it and get back into reality. Simply sitting down. And suddenly the feeling isn’t there anymore. That’s how i’ve dealt with it so far. Self-forgiveness on depression haven’t assisted me that much. Maybe because depression in itself doesn’t exist. But depression is simply a couple of amalgamated and accumulated energies.

Anyway. That’s what i’ve been doing today. I’ve today been facing fear yet again. After a day of complete stability fear has yet again moved within me. I become fucking tired of it. This time I’ve seen how specifically my behaviour change around people and how this fear influence me. It’s easy to see by observing myself in fear. And then observing myself without fear. Observing myself with people and then observing myself with no people. When with people I am much more controlling. Much more strict. I am not looking at any sides. I am looking straight ahead. I don’t move my pupils. I keep a one look, and I walk in one direction. Then when the people are gone I yet again open up, begin to look around, and move myself more relaxed, and more flexible.

I also applied self-forgiveness with Anna today. It assisted me a lot. Because i’ve carried a lot of judgements and secrets towards Anna. That I have not have the courage to forgive infront of Anna. This time though I pushed those fears. And I realized how much I have actually been hiding from Anna. There is enermous amounts of secrets in all kinds of fashions that i’ve hidden. I hide them because I fear how Anna would react if she knew them. I feared to hurt, Anna. And that has been the main reason that I’ve not expressed my secret thoughts. But they have accumulated in the background.

So it was nice to lett hem go and express them with Anna. And completly face that fear of writing all these things out, about Annas body, about Annas age, about everything. And simply let it go. So it was very usefull to me and I enjoyed it alot. To just push through that barrier that you think you can’t push through because there is to much fear. But then you simply act and move yourself and totally disregard any fear because you have decided that you are going to move yourself no matter what. I mean that is fucking fun and fucking cool. That is real living. Where you push through any limitation, and any fear, no matter what. No matter what will happen, you simply won’t allow yourself to be controlled or limited. So that is really funny.

I wonder how it’s going to be when Anna come here. I enjoy that we each day sit down to chat with each-other and simply work together with the points. It’s a real commitment from both of us to walk this agreement. And it shows that agreement goes beyond sex, and beyond pictures. It’s actually a support for who we are as life. And not a value judgement. Which is very cool.
We are walking this agreement beyond any and all limitation. And I am going to walk this fully in every breath, breaking through all limitations, and all relationshit things, I simply won’t accept it. I am going to walk as this constant pushing for expansion, expanding myself in all parts of my life. Not accepting myself to remain limited in any area, or in anyway, or with anyone.

So I am very tired now, yet this small text have assisted me a lot to write. Thank you

Organic robot

2010-08-25T14:21:00.000-07:00

Hello all you unknown readers out there. I am writing this blog as much for you as I am doing for myself. As this is my point of self-support and stability. These dears words placed infront of me as black upon white. The polarity of the physical as black and white allowing me to create symbols in which I am enjoying myself and fine-tuning my self-expression. Re-directing and re-creating the patterns which I have become.

Today I studied the entire day. Man I enjoy studying exstensively. I enjoy thinking about becoming better. I enjoy actually becoming better at what it is that I am doing. I enjoy understanding new things. That is what I am pushing to do with my mathematic, and my reading skills. I am pushing myself beyond the ideas I have created about myself as to what I am capable of and what I am not capable. And I am capable of so much more. And the more I am applying myself, the easier it becomes to sit down and study. And the more time I am putting down into studying.

Instead of doing music I've now found myself to study. I also know that it's nessecary for me to study this much if I am going to have a chance at clearing the test that comes later this year. If I can get a good result at the test now. It will be of much benefit. And if I am lucky, I will be able to go to law school at this winter. And simply jump off this school and continue directly to law school. Though I am doubting that possibility. Because this test is very hard. But I am going to push myself to get a good grade in this text.

I am actually enjoying this oppurtunity to do this test. Because this test is not the average test. It's a real fucking hard test that takes time, dedication, patiance and discipline to be able to have a chance at getting a good grade in. And this is what i've realized and what I am currently applying. And I will continue to apply so until I am satisfied that I will be able to handle all parts of this test with ease and within the given time of the test. And there are some specific things I will have to push myself within to be able to do. Which I am already in the movement of doing for myself.

I have actually done a vlog. Or I have also done a vlog today. It was about a week since I did my last vlog. And i've placed down the time intervall between vlogs is fitting if it is about one week. And my blog is naturally everyday. And placing my time as such I have much to do. Yet not to much, so I become tired. I have just the right amount of much to do.

What is there more to write about. I had a small situation with a guy here at dinner. It was a personality I entered for some seconds. It was a situation where he asked me if I would be afraid if a bird flew into my. I said I didn't know. And that i wouldn't be scared if I saw it before. And then something was said and I asked, in a way. But wouldn't I pity the bird was asked. To which I answered what does pitying the bird has to do with being afraid of the bird. Which I noticed was something that I said from a starting point of argument and wanting to be right. Which naturally then played out as the guy became somewhat also drawn into this energy.

So, i've noticed how dumb people are recently. I can really see that people are but organic robots. Because there is no actual expression taking place within people. Of challenging reality. Everyone have accepted reality as real and as what it should actually be like. And that is a quality of a robot. To have no ability to create own judgements, or own observations and to take actions based upon these observations. And that is what I observe within people. A ignorance towards the world. A ignorance towards how the world functions. Not actually a ignorance. It's actually only a question of not knowing. Ignorance is deliberately avoiding information. People here don't actually realize and know what is going on in this world, and how this reality actualy functions. And what a disgrace it is that reality actually functions this way.

It is strange that reality can keep on going as it is going with so much human casualities being allowed. It's like people close their eyes. Or have had blind-folds put infront of their faces where they don't see the current status of reality at all. It's like reality is simply accepted because everyone else is accepting reality as it is. So it's fascinating that there exist no words of insight, or anger, or disgust towards this system as it exist. I would have expected that.

I did go through that with some people. But in very few cases this insight and disgust, this anger, was actually taken to it's next level. Where you live the correction into this world. Starting with yourself. And then expanding yourself into the rest of the world.

So that is my day and what i've seen. Thanks.

Self-support

2010-08-25T03:12:00.000-07:00

So waking up today. I didn’t really want to wake up. Though I was quite calm and relaxed as I was lying in my bed. After that I went to eat breakfast. And I was very much calm. Though I participated in all these thoughts of where to look. And I kind it made it a big thing for myself. And I judged myself for doing that and then felt pretty shitty. THough it wasn’t a big shitty feeling. I could kind relax and do my thing.

And then I sat down to eat with some people. And one of the girls from the class came and sit with me. I noticed that I tried to bring something up to speak about with her. And I noticed that I actually went into personalities of niceness with her. Where I wanted to be interessted in her offers and what she said. So it was a very subtle and deceptive personality I entered with her.
The problem with not having anything to say to people. And then going into the mind to find something out to say seems to be re-occuring. Or it is re-occuring. And I don’t know what it stems from. In common sense I see that it is a lack of self-acceptance, and a lack of self-appreciation. Because at some points there is nothing to be said, and nothing to be shared. And with some people these types of enjoyable conversations simply won’t open. The reason is. That the conversation must be expressed from two ways. It’s not possible with a one sided conversation.

So it’s interessting to see who I am with people. This particular day my friend Fanny mentioned something about how I looked. Coosy she said. I went into a reaction of fear and extreme physical discomfort. Which I found quite interessting. I was very helpless to this reaction and it showed me that there is still tons to work with in relation to people, in relation to fear and physical discomfort. But just during these three, or four days, as I have decided to specifically focus upon this one point I have made major progressions. Though I want to go faster. But I am not going to judge myself. I’ll simply see all dishonesties that come up as gifts and oppurtunities for me to correct myself and live self-honesty. I will have fun and not go down upon myself.
So it was interessting to be ignored also. As I sat and discussed a girl was talk with me from the other side of the table. And she was never looking at me as she spoked. She asked a question to me and then she looked away. It was fascinating. I was ignored, my presence was ignored by the entire table. And I mean that felt a bit uncomfortable. Because I didn’t really know how to be within such a experience of not existing. And I took it personal. I wonder why I don’t exist to people. Why it is that I am not see by people. It doesn’t really botherm e. It’s just strange that in some situations I simply cease to exist to people and become nothing but air.

So, it was cool. In the morning i meet Viktoria, which I didn’t remember the name upon. Which I experienced a slight experience of fear towards. And then I moved on. And I noticed that Lukas felt uncomfortable in his body. As he was moving himself forward in very jerky movements. I also became that uncomfort somewhat. Though it’s four hundred times better than it was before. And I am fucking grateful for forgiveness which have allowed me to realize that it’s not nessecary to exist in fear all the time.

When I am with people I often feel like I am getting these threating looks. Like people are saying to me that I am coming into their territory in which I have nothing to do. I feel like I am sometimes breaking the laws of other people. And it’a a specific type of look that I react towards. When people look at me almost angrily as I am simply expressing myself here.
So it’s been fascinating today to see how I am attempting to fit in with people and in their conversations. Yet I am ignored. That is what I am. I am ignored as I speak. Nobody looks at me. And I don’t understand why. Or that was the case in one small situation. And it simply shows me that I am still wanting to have recognition. Which is in essence limitation. Because obviously I want a positive recognition and not a negative one. And thus I am attempting to be in a certain way that will bring this positive recognitions out. And in the end I am actually limiting myself to only exist as the picture I believe people want to see.
So Fanny, I can’t express myself with her. I can’t get a conversation flowing with her. Maybe I shouldn’t try even. I feel like there is nothing to express with her. Like there is nothing of interest that I want to share with her. So I simplys it beside her and I search in my mind for questions that I could ask her. But I really don’t want to do it. And thus I create this discomfort within me when there is just silence and there is no will. No desire to speak and share myself. Because I want there to be something to speak about, and something to share. But there is nothing.

It’s fascinating though how calm I have become these last days of self-forgiveness. I don’t understand why I was so stupid as to not see that the anxiety I experienced is clearly my priority point. And that it should be my main focus. But now i’ve done so and I am on my way to locating and transcending all the small points, and refractions of fear.

So anyway, having relationships with no fear is interessting. Because almost everyone want, and havet hese social masks they where. Thus they attempt to come towards you and bring you into this social arena. Where you are behaving a certain way and expressing a certain resonance, a certain feeling. Now it’s interessting because this social arena is created and exists only because of fear. And when there is no more fear the social arena because but a stupid game that there is no reason to play.
And instead I meet the humans behind the games. Which are the people that are here. Which I like much more. And in that I am here as the moment much more. I am not creating relationships with ideas of future, with ideas of past, I am simply here and I am expressing myself with what is here. I don’t need any friend, I don’t need any relationship as I am walking my life totally and completely alone. Which makes life and the experience of living much more like a adventure and much more fun. Man, fear of death is the biggest limitation there is. The only fun way to live is as if you where going to die each day. I don’t want to live forever. I want to die. I want to die horribly. In real fucking pain. Most prefarably several days of agany and pain. And lot’s of blood. Much screaming. And then finally death. Just so I get the fear out of having such an experience.
Okay, so anyway. I’ve realized that most of the relationships that are existent and the way they are existing is through fear. And now when I am getting all fear out of me I see the lie of all relationships. But I am still holding on to much fear and that is what I will deal with in todays Self-forgiveness. And today I am aiming at 200 self-forgiveness lines.

1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being called cosy in a group of people
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety when i am with a group of people in fear that i won’t know how to move myself and express myself in the next moment
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t have anything to say
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and discomfort when someone speaks about me
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to and interacting with fanny
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am contributing a feeling of negativity
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear bieng a negative person
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving others negative energy
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself and believe that i am responsible for making others feel nagative
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as negative
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear and uncomfort towards moving myself around with other people
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear waiting upon another
13. I forgive myyself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear that people will think that i am going to close to them
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ignored by people
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that girls will think that i am coming to close to them and going into their personal space
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear going into someones personal space in fear that they will become angry or uncomfortable
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having anything to speak about with fanny
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying no and not following with fanny to a coffe shop
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play games with fanny where i am compromising myself and attempting to find a subject to speak about
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fea rnot being liked by fanny
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when Finland is speaking
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear sitting by a table where people are speaking in fear of who i am going to look at, where i am going to look, and if i am should speakl
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to start to fear how i should express myself
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable towards speaking with viktoria
25. I forgive myslef htat i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not remembering viktorias name
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that viktoria is going to become angry at me or feel hurt i ask for her name
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at people that are approaching the table, in fear that people will think that i am looking to much and that i am being rude and uncomfortable
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being uncomfortable
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being uncomfortable to others
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked and valued as a group member that makes everyone comfortable
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to make everyone comfortable in the desire to be liked by everyone and have many friends
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowd myself to fear when someone comes into the computer hall
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being looked in my back
34. I forgive myself that i have acepted and allowed myself to fear being looked at without knowing it
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear that i am going to do something that others see as repulsive and bad when they are looking at me
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having knowledge if someone looks at me or doesn’t look at me
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when the presence of another being comes into my moment
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to fear angering another being
39. I forgive myslef htat i have accepted and allowed myself to fear watching videos on my computer that others will see as stupid, weird
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people won’t like what i am playing on the computer
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will ask me to turn down the volume because it’s to loud
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having the volume on when i play clips on my computer in fear that anyone is going to become angry at me for that
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when i am picking things in the line and someone else is standing behind me, or wants also to pick things, in fear of being to slow, in fear of angering or making the other being look angrily and resentfully towards me
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear drawing myself upon others anger and frustration
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are going to become angry at me
46. I forgive myself that i have accepte dand allowed myself to feel afraid of moving myself, as my hands, as my body infront of people, doing tasks that many are looking at me while i am doing
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid of taking my hands out of my pockets infront of people
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my hands will touch or bounce into a girls private parts, the but, the pussy or the breasts
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear accidently touching another
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another will repulse, and feel like i have overstepped my boundries, and that i am being sexist
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define touching as something personal, and intimate, that can only be done with people you know
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected or making people angry when i touch them
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching my mother
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for giving my mother a massage from a starting point of self-dishonesty
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear fear kissing fanny
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish and desire to kiss fanny
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish and desire to fuck fanny
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish and desire to grab R tighs and follow with my hand until i reach her pussy
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to squuze the thighs of R as I fuck her, and feel her soft skin, and her firm bodily texture and structure
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused by seeing R’s picture perfect skin, and picture perfect legs, that have the picture perfect brown skin, and that look firm
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when i feel soft skin
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish and desire that anna would be more beautiful and not as ugly
63. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to wish and desire that anna would look more like R
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fuck adn have sex with a petite girl, in the desire to have full physical control over a girls body
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to throw around a girl and have sex with a girl, and physically abuse a girl as I have sex with her
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make a girl sweat and scream as i fuck her hard from behind
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused by a picture of a girl standing on all fours, being fucked from behind hard, having her motuh open as a sign of pleasure, and high sensual activity, as she places her hands on the wall infront of her as a support, as she gets fucked heavily
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dream about fucking R this way
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dream about sexual relationships with girls
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when I am meeting people in the morning
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not holding up the door to people in the morning
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will become angry, and blame me, because i didn’t held the door for them
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s bad to slam the door shut in someones face
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am going to hell for such an action
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will look after me with a angry face, and later speak about me angrily with their friends and their close ones
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making people happy, smiling, and satisfied
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a totalt fear and energy in conflict
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to loose all my presence of breath in a conflict
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that everyone is going to dislike me
80. I forgive myself that i have acceptd and allowed myself to fear not knwing anyone and not having anyone to speak with
81. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being loneley
82. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone
83. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear only having myself to rely on and be with for eternity
84. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the acceptance and recognition from others
85. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending eternity with myself in darkness
86. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear F
87. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting attention by J
88. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being spoken to, and not being looked at
89. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ignored and not getting any attention from anyone, not being seen by anyone
90. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear when i am being argued with by many people
91. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being direct towards someone that is arguing and disagreeing with me
92. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear how i should speak and behave when someone is disagreeing with me
93. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to believe that disagreements and conflicts are bad
94. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to due to my heraditory fear and judge conflicts and disagreements as bad
95. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to hell and being judged by god if i participate in disagreements and conflicts
96. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by everyone if i am direct
97. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by everyone if i am not nice
98. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being loved by everyone if i am not nice
99. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being loved
100. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect feelings, and various ideas of value, and emotions to the word love
101. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am going to hell for such an action
102. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can go to hell when i die
103. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to hell
104. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something that society considers bad in fear that i am going to hell
105. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that nobody will like me in this life in fear that i am going to hell because of that
106. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to unconciously believe that there is a hell and a heaven
107. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to unconciously accept the belief that there is a devil, and that there is a god, and that there is any superior entity controlling and directing my life
108. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become ingrained with the soul construct
109. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become controlled by the soul construct
110. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being a aprt of this creation
111. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to become enslaved and controlled
112. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become powerless and give my power away to systems
113. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief and idea that there is a heaven and a hell
114. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear doing what i want to do in life in fear that i will go to hell
115. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying what i want to say in life in fear that i will go to hell
116. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not following the rules and principles of society and those who went before me in fear that i will go to hell
117. I forgive myself that i have accepted allowed myself to believe that there is a god
118. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am making god angry at me
119. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not pleasing god in fear of being punished by god
120. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being denied heaven when i die
121. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being denied life when i die
122. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being deleted from existence because i’ve been bad and not follow the rules and regulations of society and those who went before me
123. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-empowerment
124. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not allowed to empower myself
125. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my role to existence as a servant to god, and that i am now allowed to stand up equal to god and empower mysefl
126. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be a servant in this life because i am inferior and less than god
127. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that god is superior to me
128. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that god can control and influence me
129. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s not right to empower myself and live in self-honesty where i write and define this world according to my own insights
130. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not smart enough, wise enough, to live by my own words and insights
131. I forgive myself that i have accepte dand allowed myself to believe that i need a god to live and express myself
132. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can’t trust myself but only people with certain positions in the matrix
133. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am inferior to epople in the matrix because i don’t hold such a high-ranked position
134. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in inferiorty and in the belief that i am as a human being not perfect, but flawed, and that i must spend my entire life to look at and follow those apperantly more than me
135. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as inferiorty
136. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that heaven is more pwerful than earth
137. I forgive myself that i have acceåted and allowed myself to believe that i as a human-being is insignificant and unimportant in reality, in life
138. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not worthy in comparison to the rest of the universe
139. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the universe is seperate from me and bigger than me
140. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it doesn’t matter what i live, or where i stand, in the belief that i am only one human-being and thereby insignificant
141. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i as a human-being can’t direct myself and see what is best for all because i am apperantly inferior
142. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear directing myself and empowering myself and realizing that i am not limited and i am not inferior in anyway
143. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing what actually might be possible in this reality
144. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing that i don’t have any limitations, in fear that i am going to fuck up, and fuck this reality up, due to me expressing myself in a way that destroys the entire reality
145. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that destruction is bad
146. I forgive myself that i have accepted and llowed myself to fear destruction
147. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to believe that i must judge myself for destroying, ruining, and breaking things
148. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s better to create, produce than to destroy, ruin and break
149. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear crushing things and breaking down this reality
150. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i don’t know what to do or how to do it because i am only a human being
151. I forgive myself htat i have accepte dand allowed myself to become fooled to believe that i am in anyway limited
152. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am in anyway restricted and controlled
153. I forgive myself that i have accepted adna llowed myself to fear standing up and realizing what i am actually capable of
154. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing that what i thought was me was nothing but a lie
155. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing that my entire life has been a life lived within inferiorty and self-limitation
156. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not capable of speaking to people that i can’t see with my eyes
157. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not capable of moving myself, teleporting myself in this reality
158. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am seperate in anyway from this reality
159. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am inferior and a victim to this reality
160. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not responsible for this reality
161. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am inferior and limited in the context of creation and existence in it’s enterity in the belief taht i am just a small human-being, with a small mind, and that i can’t possibly understand or realize what is going on here
162. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my thoughts
163. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear facing myself
164. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping myself
165. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not anymore existing as a mind conciousness system
166. I forgive myself that i have accepted anda llowed myself to fear breathing and letting go of everything that i have ever known
167. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my mind
168. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to define myself according to my mind and believe that if i am to stop my mind i will dissepear
169. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am my mind
170. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef ot believe that i can’t move myself and express myself without my mind
171. I forgive myself that i have accepted anda llowed myself to believe that i can’t enjoy myself without my mind
172. I forgive myself htat i have accepte dan dallowed myslef to believe that i can’t interact, communicate and know where i am, how i am, who i am, without my mind
173. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if the mind goes away i will also go away
174. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon my mind to exist and live
175. I forgive myself that i have accepte dand allowed myself to believe that i must have my mind to be able to know how i am to express myself and live in each moment
176. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must know anything
177. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not anymore having any knowledge
178. I forgive myself that i have accepte dna dallowed myself to fear not anymore having a past or a future to direct myself in relation to
179. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to speak in my mind anymore
180. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowd myself to fear not anymore being able to place myself in reality, in comparison to other people
181. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to worry about money anymore
182. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to create personalities and emotions anymore
183. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear dissepearing
184. I forgive myself htat i have accepte dand allowed myself to fear not knowing who i am
185. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i know who i am through my mind
186. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming, retarded, crazy, and loosing all self-control if i give up my mind
187. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i need my mind to be able to survive and express and move myself
188. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the mind is needed
189. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not anymore having the ability to create pictures in my mind
190. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being completly empty
191. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear total, endless darkness
192. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear endlessness
193. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear eternity
194. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attpemt to understand eternety and endlessness with my mind
195. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents dying, to fear myself dying, and existing in eternity in total darkness and blackness
196. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing this picture colour world
197. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to need pictures to define who i am
198. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to need pictures to live and express myself
199. I forgive myself that i have accepterd and allowed myself to need pictures to enjoy myself
200. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to need pictures to let go and express myself
I am here
I am self-acceptance
I see self-freedom
I see self-expression
I see self-trust
I see self-reliance
I see self-dignity
I see self-pride
I see self-enjoyment
I see self-love
I see self-sexuality
I see self-presence
I see self-stability
I see here

Delusion

2010-08-22T21:50:00.001-07:00

Okay I’m finally out of the delusion to get a new computer. Okay I say fuck getting anything new. Instead of thinking about what I need to get I am going to do music and videos. And that’s it. Nothing more but that.

So, the more things I get the more problems I get. The better i try to make things the harder it becomes for me to do things. The more stuck I become. This time I will focus upon the music that I am doing. And I am going to compose and do music instead of thinking about what new shit I need to get. This fucking computer is fucking sufficient. It has proved this to me several times. Just that I get stuck in this fucking mind and then go out on a mind journey and waste time instead of doing what must be done. Which is music. Placing words and music on the internet, now, fast, the music must be done now.
Okay, thank you. No more procrastination. I work with what is here. Until it is done.

So that is what i’ve realized today. That I’ve wasted lot’s of time wanting this gotdamn new computer. And nothing really changes. Because this computer is fucking working for me. So that’s it.
Ok, done.

I resist writing today. Which is natural. Because it actually assists me to write and express myself this way. And obviously it will be something that I resist. I am programmed to destroy myself in all ways. And programmed to never ever love myself, enjoy myself or have fun with myself. Programmed to go through life giving all my time to slowly destroying myself. It won’t happen that way. I am going to live instead.

So for day’s i’ve applied lot’s of self-forgiveness on fear. And i’ve reached a point of not that much fear. Which I find very cool and enjoyable. Because i’ve been posssesed with fear for so long. This time I actually reached a point of not existing in fear all the time around people. Which is a very comfortable new change into my world.

I have had some feelings of my father, hmm, fuck this. Okay, so i am quite satisfied with my application with self-forgiveness. I have truly taken some points to transcendence this time. It has been a joy. And i’ve been able to communicate and direct myself, and have fun with people again. A much mores table experience of myself have appeared. Where I have been able to break through certain ideas of myself and actually express and enjoy myself with people. Something that I thought to be impossible just a couple of days ago. But being here, faced with people all the time have truly forced me to consider that it’s possible to let go of all fear and start yet again. And that is what i’ve done.

So i’ve wasted some time being lost in delusions. But I am going to take back that time now through beginning to produce music sincerely and everyday. It’s going to be me point of discipline. As are my writing and my sub4sub and my studies. My music is not going to be advanced. I will simply have a guitar in my music. Okay, I won’t begin with this shit. I now where that will go. Simply like this I put it. Music is my point of self-responsibility towards myself. To everyday move and work with music. And the video to be done with the music. And that is now done.

I’ve had a interessting chat with Anna today. Where I have managed to direct Anna very effectively. Anna is facing the point of giving up on herself. And I realize that I must push this point for the agreement to last. Because this is the point that Anna might fall upon and give up totally on. And this is the point that will bring Anna through to a point of stability in her process. Which I know must be dealt with. It’s a important point. And I am going to support and push Anna to deal with this point. It’s important to have a pusher in the beginning. When you are not yet able to stand by yourself. Just as Bernard have pushed me. And I realize how desperate Bernard must be when he see’s that everything is simply stuck. And that it’s up to him to get things moving.

Or he might not be desperate. It’s a strange word to use. More a realization that if I don’t do anything nothing will actually happen. And no movement is going to take place. That is what I realized with Anna. That i must push this point of smoking else nothing will move and everything is going to stay the same. And Anna is going to keep fucking herself into this loop of smoking.

So my day has been a slow day. I’ve enjoyed being with my father, Ann, and Peter. Because i’ve been much more calm. I’ve enjoyed speaking with Peter and hearing what people say. Lot’s of interesting conversation objects came up. Where Peter showed lot’s of insight and direct observations. He simply see’s much from a perspective of consequence. From a perspective of input equals output. Which was very cool to see. Where he could place himself in the shoes of various beings without any judgement and simply see what had created their expression and their life. Fascinating. And I enjoyed very much to listen to the perspectives because it was very much common sense.

It was fun meeting my father also. Many reactions have become less with my father and with Peter. And it’s like i’ve become a changed man only in the few days in which I have been here. Only in these few days in which I’ve applied self-forgiveness and written like a crazy baboon. I am moving myself very fast. At least when I apply exstensive amounts of self-forgiveness. As I see. I see the result of my specific self-forgiveness. Because now I can actually stop the reactions and correct them still in calm. Not loosing myself in the reaction. Simply stopping it completely and breathing.

And that is what i’ve done today and what i’ve gone through today. Not a very special day. Not a very unspecial day. I’ve gone through and i’ve breathed the entire day. Simply applying myself.

I’ve noticed that i am getting much more silent and quiet within me. And that I can enjoy these moments with myself when I don’t have anything to do. When I am just lying with myself in my bed without having anything that i am going to do. Those moments are nice. When I just feel the bed under me. And I am just satisfied with Breathing and lying down. But I know that I can’t be satisfied. I must move me to change this existence and myself. And if I don’t do that there will be no satisfacation. Satisfaction comes from action. And I have now realized my actions. Time for actions. Fuck money and buying shit. I don’t need that shit to move myself.

And that is what i have to say to myself today. I don’t have anything else. I have realized the points in where I fucked myself and I will correct them through moving myself. Tomorrow I am also going to have a chat with resonances which is going to be enjoyable. And tomorrow the real school is beginning. And I am going to buy new math books. And see which books I am going to be using.

I really enjoy this venture of becoming a law-man. Because it exposes me to so many challenging and new activities. Like math. I really enjoy to do math.
Okay so this is it for today. Thanks.

Enjoying my day

2010-08-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

Another day has passed. Very slowly as I have spent most of my day lying in my room. Writing, applying self-forgiveness. Walking out to buy food. I very much enjoyed and entire day of being isolated with myself in my room. Having no internet as been quite joyful. And I have noticed that when you don't have internet you don't have any escape from yourself at all. And the only that is to be done when the shit hits the fan is to sit down and do your writing and do your self-forgiveness.

And today I have applied exstensive, exstensive forgiveness on fear. Fuck you fear is my statement. Fuck all fear. Fuck all limitation. Self-expression for all. Fuck the nature of survival. Let's live and have fun. That is why I am applying self-forgiveness, and why I am being very consistent and determined with this application. I have decided to take this fear point on once and for all and fully transcend it in all areas of my life. I am just so fucking sick of all energetic reactions of fear. And I have lied all other points to the side. In terms of self-forgiveness. To only focusing upon this. Until I reach a point of satisfaction. And at the moment I have reached somewhat a point of satisfaction. There are still some points that I am not satisfied with and that I will continue on tomorrow. But for the greater part. My self-forgiveness have been effective.

Tomorrow my dad is coming and dumping a computer here. I will then have a entire computer dedicated to making music and films. Which will be fun and something I will play around with. This computer will be the school computer. It's not fit for making music. And it's not fit for editing films with. My room is quite small so I'll see how I am going to design the space here. So that everything will fit nicely. I don't think I'll have a problem. This school computer I can have on the go at all times and use outside my room. And then i´ll use the other computer when I am in my room.

I had a chat with Anna today also. I feel like I am making progression in terms of setting the principle for the agreement. It's taking shape very nicely and the way I am going to walk this agreement is getting more, and more clear. Me and Anna we wrote about our experiences. And Anna cleared some points. And I clarified some words and expressions, a direction for the agreement. It was very cool. Communication and placing words in writing is the key to walking a agreement. Just as it is the key to walking your own life. Place it all down in writing. And in words you´ll find the most effective expression there is. The most effective expression for everyone that is involved.

And now the clock is about 00.00. And I have already written huge amounts of letters today. So I am going to stop here. It's been a cool today. I enjoyed it.

Bye

English and swedish

2010-08-16T13:38:00.001-07:00

What’s infront of me that I direct is who I am. The pictures that are infront of me are my creation. And so what I most often see is music instruments still. Because I have become addicted towards buying new music instruments. Towards buying new things.
Tomorrow I am beginning school. I am looking forward to that and I am quite excited. I enjoy this movement towards becoming a lawyer. Today as I practiced on my studies I noticed that if I practice for a certain amount of time I reach a state of satisfaction. Which is actually in self-honesty me being satisfied with my daily studies. If I don’t reach that satisfaction and I quite before that point I am being lazy and I will not be able to let go of the moment completely. I will hold on to that moment within me and it will lure the entire day like a missed moment in the background.
I am calm towards beginning a new school. The primary fantasies have been around girls and who I will end up with in the same dormitory as me. A couple of thoughts and images of me and Anna in this dormitory. And how it will be to have sex in such a dormitory. If everybody is going to hear us.
I wonder how much studies it will be and how big the room actually is. If I will be able to make room for all my current things that are connected to my studio. I am a little ashamed for having such a big studio. For having so many possesions. And as I was carrying my possesions to my car today I noticed how I judged myself for having so many possesions. Especially when I have never in my life earned any big money for myself. Except for that time when I was in norway. And I must really check up on that and see how much money I have in norway still. I will do that tomorrow before I leave.
What have more happened within me and my world. Not much. I am slowing down and taking everything point by point. I still judge myself for not having moved myself faster during these three years that i’ve been in process. I also judge myself that I have been given everything for free in my life. And I have never faced any difficulty at all. I judge myself for not having struggled in my life.
My desires to buy things have become less and less. I remember about a year ago when all my desires and wants was directed at buying houses. A farm somewhere in the nothingness and starting a collective. That doesn’t exist within me anymore. Now it’s just music instruments that I desire to buy. Which are much less costly. Yet they are still desires coming from a inherent want to always have more. And I feel quite guilty within this inherent desire to have more. And also a little bit afraid of loosing control over this desire and wasting, spending all of my money upon stuff.
I wonder if this desire can ever be satisfied? Can ever be stopped? Obviously it can be stopped. I have simply not been disciplined enough in stopping all the dreams that exist in relation to this desire. And because of that I am still facing all these desires within me. And I am still treating and seeing these desires as if they hold any value or reality.
I have also been looking at pushing Anna to start to play the bass guitar. And I have myself wanted to buy a bass guitar. Simply for the sound that a bass guitar produces. It’s fascinating that I become obsessed with certain sounds and expressions of instruments and desire to incorporate them in my music.
And I want the real instruments. Which are insanely expensive. Which makes it impossible for me to have all the instruments I want to have. And I can’t have people playing the instruments for me either. Because there are no such people. As I have found to this day interessted in playing and recording music with me. Which I am a little frustrated and angry over. That it is so hard to find anyone that holds the same interest as me.
So that is what I am facing. The specific instruments that I desire to buy are bongo drums, and a cello, and a big double bass. And also a button accordion. And a. I want to have these instruments because together they shape and form a particular sound that I want to convey and create. And also because these instruments fascinates me and seems enjoyable to play as they are so different in their design. Especially the double bass is very different from other instrumets. And it’s insanely big. I easily become possesed with this desire to have these new things. Which then brings up the next point in the equation. Which is. How do I get a job? How do I get money so that I can buy all these things?
At the moment I become possesed with a very subtle energy of desire towards these things. And I don’t know what to write about it anymore. As what can bring more things up in relation to this point. What it is, it is a desire for more. A desire to have what I don’t have. Human curiosity which is the desire to experience what self hasn’t experienced. And this is what I am being faced over and over again. And at the moment I feel like can’t stop these desires and energies. Because it is like I don’t want to give them up just yet. I want to keep them with me because they give me a sense of purpose and movement. Where I can move myself towards getting all these new instruments. And each time I get a new instrument I want another instrument. So it never really stops. The incessant desire. The deep pit within me that wants to be filled opens up again after each new thing I buy. And it simply doesn’t ever end. Which is the problem. To end and stop this pit I must stop the energy that lies behind the desire to buy these new instruments.
Okej,
Efter att ha applicerat och arbetat med förlåtelse med ilska gentemot min mamma så är relationen och mitt utryck med henne mycket mer smidigt. Det är faktiskt kul att umgås med henne. Kul för att jag har roligt med mig själv och mitt eget utryck med henne.
Idag har varit en still dag. Internet har cp:at sig. Jag har sett många reaktioner vilka jag andats igenom. Jag har skrivit. Förlåtit och gjort mina vanliga sysslor. Och tagit det lugnt. Det har varit en bekvämlig dag. Dagens största punkt har nog varit en form utav irritation, depression, och myror i benen. Eller myror i hela kroppen faktiskt. Som kommit upp relativt många gånger. Jag förstår inte vad det är jag upplever riktigt. Men jag vet bara att det är smärta jag upplever. Sensationen påminner om ilska. Så jag kan nog tro att det är det. I det tillfällene jag upplevde det så tog mig själv till ett stadium utav förlåtelse. Förlåtelse är 1000 gånger effektivare än att andas när det gäller att diffusera energi punkter i kroppen. Själv-förlåtelse inser jag varje gång jag använder det att jag underskattat kraften, och makten i själv-förlåtelse. Jag menar det är helt otroligt så själv-förlåtelse kan ändra upplevelsen utav mig själv.
Nu när jag är ute och går så kan jag uppleva märkliga och fantastiska situationer, utav att vara en med min omgivning. Liksom, min omgivning blir så mycket mer levande och riktigt. Jag gillar det väldigt mycket. Och det är först när jag kommer ut i världen och umgås med människor som jag ser min förändring mer tydligt. När jag sitter hemma och arbetar med mig själv så är min enda referens mina tankar. När jag sedan kommer ut så ser jag i hur jag utrycker och rör mig själv hur min ändring tagit rum. Och jag har börjat komma till det stadiet i min process när jag faktiskt är nöjd med mig själv, tycker om mig själv, gillar mig själv. Och jag är relativt stabil i varje andetag. Jag har också kommit till det stadiet. Eller faktiskt. Jag har passerat stadiet utav att ge upp. Och gå tillbaka till mitt gamla liv. Vilket inte är så konstigt nu när jag smakat på vad verkligt liv är. Vilket inte är någonting man kan drömma om äns finns eller existerar som ett system.
Jag är tacksam att jag har gått denna processen så långt som jag gått hitills. Och att jag verkligen kämpat till att göra dessa små sakerna varje dag. Såsom att applicera förlåtelse, att aplicera self-statements, att skriva. Det är detta som gör skillnaden för mig själv och för hela mitt liv. Utan detta, utan dessa handlingarna är jag förlorad. Jag vet det, för jag var förlorad innan. Fast genom att stödja mig själv så har jag hittat mig själv igen. Och det är jag tacksam för. Jag kommer att hålla denna traditionen igång i hela mitt liv som det ser ut nu. Med skrivande och förlåtelse i hela mitt liv. För det är det som ger mig frid och glädje och mening i mitt liv.
Jag har inte mött några stora reaktioner idag att tala om. Jag vet faktiskt inte vad jag ska skriva om. Det är som att jag skrivit upp de flesta ämnena som det finns att skriva om. Vid ett visst tillfälle kanske man har skrivit om allting i hela existensen. Allting har blivit utskrivet och placerat i ord. Det finns ingenting som är gömt eller okänt längre. Och, kanske jag har börjat komma till en sådan punkt. Fast jag tror mer det är än barriär som jag trycker igenom. Där jag vill skriva ifrån en punkt utav mind. Och jag måste trycka igenom mig själv för att skriva. Och bara tillåta mig själv att utrycka mig själv här. Det går inte att skriva ifrån huvudet. Det går inte att utrycka mig själv genom ett system. Det är bara helt omöjligt att utrycka mig själv ifrån huvudet när jag skriver. Och det är upplevelsen utav att allt är blankt. Det är huvud upplevelsen.
Jag har insett idag var Bernard menade med balans i musiken. Det är det som jag kallat för känsla när jag spelat gitarr. Känsla är att höra låten i känslighet. Vara känslig för dynamiken i låten, och spela i enighet med låten. Inte ta för stor plats. Och inte ta för liten plats. Utan vara i balans med låten och de andra komponenterna i låten. Det är improvisation och att känna var låten är. I vilket stadium är låten och vilken roll har jag. Och det går inte att tänka ut. Utan man måste känna det. Vilket jag har upptäckt och i viss min nått till perfektion med min gitarr. Men någonting som jag utav vissa skäl som jag inte vet hade svårt att göra med min röst. Jag har faktiskt haft svårt med gitarren också att nå perfektion på denna punkten. För jag har alltid velat visa mig på styva linan. Både med rösten och gitarren. Alltid spela högt och gapigt, slamra på uta tusen. Och inte riktigt lyssnat på tystnaden. Som man kan säga. Lyssna på känslan i låten. Som inte finns. Det finns ingen låt. Det finns en känsla först utav hur låten är. Och det är den som jag måste lyssna på och spela i jämlikhet med. Då blir det en grym låt fylld med dynamik och liv. Som när jag spelar gitarr. Jag börjar tyst, långsamt, krypade med full koncentration i varje ton. Och sedan kommer refrängen , och jag tar i smäller ut tonerna. Det är sådana detaljer som jag vill arbeta med i musiken.
Så vad mer, jag har tänkt lite på anna. Stod i duschen och bilder utav sex och anna började komma upp. Jag andades och beslutade mig för att inte medverka på något sätt. No,no,no. I am not going there. I will not go to that moment. Jag vill inte göra Anna till en bild i mitt huvud. Som enbart existerar för att väcka vissa energier inom mig. Nono. När jag gjorde de där projektion, och fantasi grejorna idag så tog det fram en del inressanta fantasier som jag inte riktigt kända till. Jag vet att jag har tänkt de där fantasierna, vissa fler gånger än andra. Att skriva ner fantasierna är lite obekvämt. För jag skäms över fantasierna och över hur brutala de är. Och hur uppriktiga de är i sitt begär. Och jag undrar vad Sunette ska tycka när hon läser alla fantasierna, för de är väldigt, brutala och direkta. Och jag förstår nog varför cross-referencing tillslut kommer att bli för personligt. För där ligger verkligen den sanna naturen och vilar som man inte vill visa för någon för man skäms för den och ogillar sig själv för att man har skapat den.
Och så jag vill nu arbeta lite med förlåtelse och få undan en klump i min mage som kom upp när jag pratade med min mamma. Den kom upp vid ett tillfälle när några ord yttrades utav min mamma om att jag borde umgås med människor. Till det sa jag ja, och jag kände det som att jag kompromissat med mig själv. Men jag var inte säker på vad det var jag kände och jag tänkte att jag har bara någon jäkla reaktion. Så jag andas och talar som andetag utan att blanda in några tankar. För tankar kan jag aldrig lita på. Bara andetaget och vad jag säger i andetaget är faktiskt vem jag verkligen är. Tankarna är inte vem jag är utan bara idéer och inte en riktigt upplevelse utav mig själv. Så jag sa ja, och jag hade någon reaktion till det som sedan satte sig i mitt bröst.
1. anger
2. Irritation
3. Fear
4. Anxiety
5. Nervousness
6. Projection
7. Fantasy
8. Desire
9. Survival
10. Sex
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry that i am allowing myself to be opressable
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself that i supress and opress myself
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and be disgusted with myself that i am opressing and supressing myself
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself that i am still acting within emotions and feelings
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and frustrated at myself that i am still allowing myself to fall in emotions and feelings and opresss myself in energetic reactions
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and judge myself that i am allowing myself to opress myself in thoughts and energetic reactions
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother and be angry at my mother that i am opressing myself
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for the anger i experience within me that i’ve allowed myself to opress myself
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world that i’ve allowed myself to become opressed
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at the world that i’ve allowed myself to become opressed
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated at my past and at people in past that i’ve allowed myself to be opressed and supressed
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that i’ve allowed myself to opress myself and not speak when i’ve wanted to speak
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for the nature of opression i’ve accepted and allowed myself to become
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to opress myself and existence in silence when i want to speak
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from speaking and expressing myself
16. I forgigve myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that i am still existing as thoughts feelings and emotions
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to become angry when a emotion or a thought pops up
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when i can’t stop the thought or emotion that pops up
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and impatient and run in circles inside myself attempting to move myself faster in the desire to stop myself once and for all
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated with myself that i don’t seem to be able to move myself as fast as i would like to move myself
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and frustrated that i still experience some experiences even a long while after having been in process
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself that i haven’t been able to reach a point of total silence and self-comfort in every moment of breath
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and frustrated at myself that i am still doubting myself
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and frustrated at myself that i am still allowing myself to fear people
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated that i am still allowing myself to believe that i am worthless
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated that some experiences seem to take such a long time to be able to transcend and stop
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to get this process done in this one moment
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be done and get everything over with
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to compelte this process
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to desire to stop everything within me now, fast, without any waiting
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want erverything to be done and finished in ainstant
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want everything to come to me in a instant
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want everything to come to me at this moment
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when everything doesn’t come to me at my will, without effort, and without any struggle
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated and angry that i must struggle, and use effort to get myself somewhere in this process
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and frustrated that everything just doesn’t flow for me
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to compare myself towards others in this reality and within this feel inferior because nothing seems to flow to me like it does to others
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated that things doesn’t flow to me within this process
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and frustrated that others seem to have a much more pleasant and easy time within process than me
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to become frustrated and angry that certain energies are repeating themselves within me
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to become angry and self-judgemental in my nature
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to create myself to want change, to want myself to become different and transcend everything in one moment
43. I forgive myself that i not allowed myself to be patient with myself and take it slow
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that taking ti slow is a weakness

Heeeeeerree

2010-08-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

Yo mutherfukker!

Writing and support. I am tired. I don't want to write really. But I do write because it is good for me. Today I have been living discipline. It's the only word I am living at the moment that I am truly attempting to live. It get's a lot easier and I am doing quite well. I do overestimate my capability of taking on certain projects at times. Because I think about all the things I am to take on in my mind and then it doesn't become as I wish for it to become. The result, and the physical action of doing is not in equality with my thoughts of doing.

Todays point of extreme resistance has been to write my equal money book. I have literally been in pain as I wrote it. Because it requires focus, dedication, concentration to write specifically and choose each word. It's not how I usually express myself in the written word. When I write to others I must be very specific in how I place the words. Specific so that I don't repeat information or place words gramatically incorrect. It's quite a task to formulate the concept into words and it is much as math. Much as how I experience math to be when I am doing it. Like I am grasping air. I am grasping something that isn't there and then I must take this nothingness and squeeze something into and out on the paper. And then it becomes what i've written.

Though I am satisfied. And I will keep writing this way. Like article based writing instead of writing for the equal money book. And I will share it on my blog and the forum. Because it assists me to write those things. It is interessting to practice writing having in mind that someone else is going to read it. Because it changes everything. When I write I must also consider to not use the same words many times in a row. I want my writing to be dynamic and shifting. Like colours spread out on a pallet. And I want to use all colours in shifting intensity to give a bright and interessting landscape.

So that is what i've been doing today. And I've also been doing my usual things. That are SRA, studying, music and sub4sub. I had quite a nasty situation with my mother today where I entered some kind of personality of rebellion. Because I didn't want to satisfy her wishes as what she wanted me to do. And I noticed I didn't want to be less than her. I didn't want to feel like I was having the least intelligent thing to say.

With my mother it has been pretty intense these last days. With my mother coming into my room. Starting to criticise me. These times, or this time I've stated that it's enough and i've simply let myself go berserk in terms of expressing myself in the moment to get my mother to leave my room. Because I won't allow that shit. I just can't allow. I hate it and despise it when my mother speaks to me that way. Fascinating way of expressing myself. As I didn't hate my mother. I hated it. And I despised it. And it might very well be my own self-expression in a moment with my mother. Where I simply hate my own inability to direct myself in a moment. And where I allow moments to play out of abuse that I don't need to allow in my world and in my life.I don't need to allow any abuse in my world or in my life from anyone. It's a lie that I must allow abuse from anyone.

So, today I enter some kind of personality. And I felt a bit angry that my mother was coming home and taking for granted that I would do all she asked of me to do. When it was her decisions. She had taken decisions that would require some labour to ge through. And then she had simply decided that she was going to go out and take a tour with her horse. And that made me somewhat angry. Which I realize is a reaction of the mind. Not being here as the moment but taking in mind-shit within the moment and thus not seeing the moment for what it is.

Okay, that's it for today. Bye

Memory forgiveness support:

2010-08-13T07:58:00.001-07:00

Memory forgiveness support:
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define peace and calm as lying outisde on the grass
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define nature and a clear blue sky as perfection, as presence and earthed
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a snapshot of myself lying on the grass looking at a spider, feeling the wind blowing in my face and the sun shining on my skin, and i forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to define this moment according to words such as presence, calm. Peace
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define warm winds stroking my skin as peace
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel more happy and content with myself on days when the sun is shining and the sky is clear blue
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to re-live this moment of lying in the grass and feeling the particular way i felt that day
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel the grass on my body and sun shinging on my skin
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take this moment and desire to re-live, and define my entire experience as a child according to this memory
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to feel calm and happy each time i hear the wind blowing in a leaf tree
10. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to define the memory of me lying on the grass, seeing the sun and the sky, as a happiness
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel calm and peaceful because of how the enviroment was existing at that moment
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to desire to experience these same pictures again, in order to give me the same experience i had back then
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a experience that is exactly the same as the experience i had when i grew up and i was lying in the grass and the sun was shining, and the wind was softly blowing, and a spider was walking infront me
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the words earthed, presence, grounded to a picture and a memory of my past
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a child again so that i can go back to this memory and re-experience it
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become small again, and not have any responsibilities, so that i can lie and experience nature and that which is around me undisturbed
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel and believe that i have missed nature, that i have not the same ability now the experience that which is around as i had when i grew up as a child
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define lying outside, on the grass, with a blue sky, and wind, and warmth as being the peak of my existence
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and experience emotions when i think about alexander
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being in alexanders house because the parents where so direct, and stressed, and there was so much chatter and fast way of moving
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the directness that alexanders parents expressed
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of how intelligent alexanders parents seemed
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of how rich alexanders parents seemed
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being in alexanders house, because there was all these rules of what i could do and what i couldn’t do
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become afraid of being with alexander in alexanders house, because i felt so constricted, that i couldn’t touch or feel anything, because alexnader didn’t want me to do that
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being in alexanders house, in fear tha ti might do something that would make the inhabitants of this house angry, through breaking any of the rules i was given
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel distressed in alexanders house because i felt disturbed by the fact that there was always conflict near
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear conflict and hazzle
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something in alexanders house that might make someone angry and because of that throw me out
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel unwelcome, to feel threatened in alexanders house
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like i am entering enemy territorry in which i am not allowed to go when i am in alexanders house
32. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted adn allowed myself to connect being in someone elses house as being in enemy territorry, as being in a place where i have no right to be, and no right to express mysefl
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i don’t have any right to express myself in alexanders house
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in alexanders house in fear that people would get angry at me and scream at me the way they screamed at alexander
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when alexander and his mom and dad fought with each other
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear how grown up and mature alexander was in comparison to me
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that maturity which alexanders parents treated him with
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much responsibility and direction alexander showed in his behaviour when he took me home to his house
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel mistreated by my mother
40. I forgive myslef that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel mistreated and ignored by my mother in my entire life
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to feel like my mother have used me as a puppet for her own satisfaction in my entire life
42. I forgie myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother that she has come and disturbed me when i have played and had fun with myself
43. I forgive myslef that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to be angry that my mother would come and do things towards me when i had fun with myself
44. I forgivem yself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my mother has always been out to push me down and mistreat me
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mother would come to me when i was playing and enjoying myself in fear that i would be hit
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hit by mother
47. I forgive myslef that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mother would become outraged and express herself violentely towards me when i was sitting by myself, enjoying myself and playing with myself
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i would have done something that i wasn’t aware of, that my mother was angry at, and that my mother now was coming to punsih me for
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being physically punished, physically hit by my mother
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, and hate my mother for the times when she have hit me
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel mistreated, to feel sad and helpless towards my mother
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear playing infront of my mother in fear that she would come and scream at me, or hit me,
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with my parents in fear that they where going to come and scream at me, hit me, when i was having fun with myself
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear relaxing and letting go and enjoying myself, in fear that my parents would take me by suprise and be angry, scream or hit me without me being able to defend myself
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mother would come up from behind me and scream at me or destroy my game
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear building or playing when my parents was around in fear that they would come up towards me and destroy my game and scream at me
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my mother has always been against me, and always used me to feel better about herself
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel taken for granted by my mother
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my mother have used and seen me as a puppet in her entire life
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my mother never took me or what i expeirenced seriously
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to feel unsupported and simply worked against by my mother my entire life
62. I forgive myslef that i have accepted nad allowed myself to be angry at my mother that i couldn’t share anything of myself with her
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother that my mother would become angry all the time and scream and yell
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel mistreated by my mother and be angry at my mother that i have lost my unconditional self-expression
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother and be angry at my mother that i have lost my unconditional self-expression which i lived as a child
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel mistreated by my mother and desire to revenge upon my mother to get back at her, for destroying me as unconditional self-expression
67. I forgive myself taht i have accepted and allowed myself to feel destroyed and humiliated by my mother
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like it is my mothers fault that my entire life has been a struggle
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother that my mother always had things to complain about with me
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my mother have only used me as a way to feel happy and good about herself
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that i never felt treated as an equal by my mother
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that my mother was always wanting to sit on top of me
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and llowed myself to feel mistreated anda ngry because my mother always wanted to have to upper hand on me
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to blame my mother for being born into hell
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry at my parents for being born into this world and into this family
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate and dislike my mother each time she is angry
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear each time my mother walks up the stairs in fear that she is going to come in to my room and wreac havoc upon my life
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and alowed myself to believe that my mother can wreac havoc upon my life and upon without my permission
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss my old friends
80. I forgive myself taht i have accepted and allowed myself to miss driving around on my scooter on the roads, driving to all kinds of lakes and bathing there
81. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss being with my friends, screaming and shouting and playing around with my friends
82. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss henrik which i considered to be my best friend
83. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss socializing and spending time with henrik
84. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to miss having someone that i can share everything of myself towards
85. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss the moments of unconditional enjoyment and laughter together with henrik, basse, and jerry
86. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss the summerdays when me and henrik where laughing and running around
87. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss my youth
88. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live as a youth again only the re-expereicne that feeling of having very close friends
89. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel like i have very close friends, to which i share everything and express myself totally without any inhibitions
90. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to remember that day by the lake, when the sun stood high in the sky, and the grass was green, and i was having fun with my friends
91. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be apart of a group of people
92. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a aprt of a group of people that i can call friends with which i can experience a connetion
93. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to experience a connection and a close intimate bond with a male man
94. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to lie up late at night and discuss and lie matters with my friends
95. I forgive myself taht i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have bonds with people that are unbreakable, bonds of total trust and intimacy
96. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have someone with which i can share all my interests, with which i can do all the stuff that i enjoy to do
97. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss my friends at junirio school
98. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss that feeling of comfort, of bonding that i felt with my friends
99. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss the feeling of being happy with my friends, happy and having fun, doing the things that i liked to do without any inhibition
100. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to long back to the time of summer, when i had my scooter, and when i could drive around with my friends, and when i could do whatever it was that i wanted
101. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss the joyous moments with my friends when i was young, and there was no sense of responsibility, no sense of wanting to go anywhere or become anything
102. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss feeling like i am a part of a group of people that really like me, and enjoy me, and want me to be a part of their group
103. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to miss running into the water and screaming, while seeing my friends doing the same thing, and then simply having so much fun with my friends in the water
104. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to go back to that moment of unconditional enjoyment with everything around, as i was expressing myself simply ehre with water, and laughter and fun
105. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a depression that i can’t return to that time
106. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a sadness and unfulfillment that i can’t turn back the time and experience those moments yet again
107. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have bonding with people, where i simply feel one with people, where i feel like there is no me, and that i can simply relax and let go into the hand of another
108. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss being able to feel like i have a true friend
109. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss being able to call to someone during the day and decide to do something with that person
110. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to miss having henrik as a friend that i could come to and be with at any point during the day or night
111. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become happy when i get hugged
112. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed, sad and lonely while i was at the daycare
113. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depressed and lonely until someone hugged me
114. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid of being at the daycare alone
115. I forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to dislike being with the teachers at the daycare
116. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dislike being locked into the daycare and being under the supervision of parents
117. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid of being hugged by someone
118. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused and lonely and pushed away at the daycare
119. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like nobody is caring about me at the daycare
120. I forgive myself that i have acepted and allowed myself to become happy, and experience myself finally being seen, finally having someone to trust when i got hugged by someone
121. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid and cry when my parents left me at the daycare
122. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad towards being alone at the daycare and being forced to sleep at the daycare when i didn’t want to sleep
123. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely at the daycare, and feel like i have nothing to be with and nothing to speak to and nothing to be with
124. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonley because i was the only one that spoke my dialect of speech
125. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely and afraid because people was out to abuse and hurt me due to how i spoke
126. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected by people when i spoke and when i luaghed
127. I forgive myself that i have acepted and allowed myself to feel sad, and only be able to feel happy again when someobdy hugged me
128. I forgive myself that i didn’t allow myself to hug myself and support myself
129. I forgive myself that i haven’t allowed myself to stand up towards abuse and stop abuse
130. I forgive myself that i didn’t allow myself to stand up and stop abuse and not allow myself to be abused by another
131. I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be abused and bullied by another
132. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up and stopping abuse and stopping myself from being bullied and abused by another tthrough being self-assertive and saying what i will allow and what i won’t allow
133. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel assured and secure when my mother comes to my room to hear how i am feeling
134. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want my mother to care for me and ask me how i feel
135. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel assured and secure when someobdy asks me how i feel
136. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be taken care of and loved by my mother
137. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire my mother to pity me when i am sick
138. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire my mother to hold me and tell me that i am fine and that nothing will hurt me
139. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to desire to wish my mother to be regretful and come to me to ask for forgiveness
140. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel, to desire to know that my mother is inthe house, and that she is ready to take care of me whatever happens to me
141. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel assured when i heard dishes being done in the house
142. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel assured and comfortable when i knew that someone was in the house and that i wasn’t alone
143. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having my mother in my life
144. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can’t assure myself through standing as self-assurity
145. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want my mother to be close around me sot hat i can feel like i am taken care of and like nothing bad can happen to me

Equal money and my day

2010-08-11T07:45:00.001-07:00

Greetings,
It’s dark outside. What they call night. I am sitting here for my usual time of self-support.
Today I had fucking troubles to get up and apply myself. So I simply got up after a while and started to apply self-forgiveness just to snap out of that state of energy. It didn’t go very well and I was much caught in this depressive state of being. Though I caught some cool points in my self-forgiveness.
Anyway then I went out to paint for my mother. Which I felt a little angry that i had to do. I remember feeling my face contorting as my mother asked me to do that. But I realized that I had to do it. It was common sense in that moment to paint. And that helped to snap out of my experience. I really get caught in these experiences of depression when I am sitting to much infront of the computer. And I have not contact with the outside world. Like people, and stuff like that.
So after that I went into town. I was going to fix some things and buy some thins. I suprised myself with realizing that i was stable like a rock. At least until I had been in town for a while. Then stuff started to come up. But I mean, in comparison to other times. I really feel like I have transcended some major fears. And I have no idea how it’s been done. I mean it’s finally here now. A sense of stability and calm in every moment. And it’s not that hard anymore to stop myself. I have found a stability and serenity in my self-application. Taking point after point and working them through.
So it’s been a quite changable day. Recently I have worked a lot on stopping the fame thoughts. Because they have really bothered me so much. Today I have felt pretty much free from many of those thoughts. That are really coming up as dreams and projections of me making music. Or me doing something in relation to music. Or me planning to do something with music. So i’ve begun to really map out all those thoughts and I have worked on getting them all down with my self-forgiveness so I want participate in them more. It’s like I have been making my mind physical and seeable. And that is assisting me to stop and change myself.
I’ve been feeling quite bored. Or non-actionable today. I have really nothing to spend my time upon that is so called important. I think I am still holding on to the saviour syndrome of wanting to be important and have some bigs thing to do. Like become big in various ways. And when I just sit and do nothing some days. It’s like. I can’t do that anymore. I almost feel guilty for sitting down and doing nothing. I’ve, or I am existing in a constant self-movement usually. Always doing things and into things.
The thing I have also caught myself thinking about today is the high-school test. The fucking test is so fucking boring. And everytime I sit down to do it I can get so frustrated. And it’s not like I want to become frustrated. It’s like simply to way that the questions are asked, that is what is making me angry. Though it must be done. It’s my ticket into the lawyer education. I am pretty certain that I will be able to pull it off now. By the time of the test. Which is in about a years time I will have gotten so much practice on all the subjects. On the way that the questions are asked and answers, that I will basically not be able to fail. I will practice myself at real time test situations also. To get a sense of the time. And also to have a sense on how to work with the tests and how to use my ruler.
I am a bit fearful almost that I will slack of in my discipline and then forget about me and becoming a lawyer. Maybe because I have done so before. I don’t know. But somedays I feel like i have studied to little. Like today I almost feel like that. Strange words I use. It’s like I am poking inside to find something that isn’t there really.
Anyway. The test is not enjoyable and I find it a waste of time. Though it’s something that I must waste my time on to be able to get somewhere. I must learn bullshit things. Words that nobody use anymore. What is the reason for such a thing?
Anyway. Other than that I have not done so very much today. And when it comes to writing here there isn’t that much I feel to write about. Though I now this is the unconcious mind as a manifested barrier. So I apply myself and push through and reach for self-intimacy.
Something I have noticed is fear when I go down to be in the kitchen. It’s like amazing how much less fear there is now than there was before. And I am not reacting to my mother as I did before. I noticed that today as I got home. And I had bought something new. And my mother asked me if I had money for it. And I said yes. And then there was something else that was told. And it was usually in such a situation that I would react physically. Yet, this time I didn’t react at all. And it was cool that I didn’t.
I am not being with my family a lot. Today I spoke with my dad about the equal money system. I noticed some funny things about me. I noticed that I didn’t want to say how many there was involved with the party to my dad. Because I felt there was to few. And I also felt like my dad was like trying to downgrade the political party by finding faults in it. And things that didn’t match up to regular parties. I know it’s me that is reaction to it. And that I am responsible. But it was interessting to see. I don’t fear my dad as much as I did before. I don’t know why either. In a moment fear is gone.
So when I am with my father and in such situations I don’t have anymore so much pre-concieved ideas about what is right and what is wrong. I can talk with my father about pretty much anything. There is not like I am not able to debate, and argument anymore. I don’t have any ideas anymore.
I just remembered that my sister said something in that moment as I speaked with my dad about how she didn’t want me to fight with my dad. I remember i reacted to that word and got kind of confused, and started to question myself if I actually was fighting or not. But I got over it and decided to go through with the moment and simply speak.
I remember that I got both my sister and father against me. My father thought that the equal life foundation was communism. It wasn’t communism but I got quiet like, put up against the wall when he said that. When he said that in communism they placed prisoners into prisons. Or citizens into prison. And then he compared my system with that. I told him that our system would be nothing like that. And it won’t be nothing like that. Communism was still based upon control. And the masses serving one leader. Our system will raise individuality, and individial choice.
Because all will be equal creators and equal gods. Simply through giving all equal money all will be equally able to what they want. Nobody will have more money than another. That is one of the key points. And the leaders are not going to force anyone to think, believe, or do something he doesn’t want to do. There will be laws. But laws will be placed to stop abuse from occuring. It won’t place conditions upon citizens and individuals. It will simply create consequences for actions of abuse. So that all abuse is stopped.
But other than that. Everyone will be pretty much free. And if they decide to participate in the labour system . Then they will take on responsibility.
I am here. Oh, sub4sub. That is the one last action I have to do today.
Creating this new system is quite hard because there is so much to be consisered of how things should work and how things should be put into place. So much of the human-nature must be considered for this to work. Outflows must be considered, implications. But it must be done. And this the manifesto I am currently writing.
So what is more nessecary to look at here in this moment in terms of this new money system? How the implementation is going to take place? What i see is that firstly a equal money system must get into place. This equal money system can exist at the same time as all other. As our normal system still exist. So our normal system will still exist. And this is what will give you the chance to buy luxuaries. The first thing that comes into this world is the equal money. And all wares that are going to be sold for the E money will be sold for the E money. Now this will create havoc in the economy in some ways.
Who will be affected by this. If we still hold on to the old system. People will still need to make profit. And if we start to put their wares on sale for equality credits they won’t get any profit at all. A solution might be in the beginning. That they are simply given the same amount of equality credits spent. Back into normal credits. So there is no real difference. The economy doesn’t change in anyway. Everyone keep their money as they have. But a base sum is created for everyone. A base sum that is not able to be depleted. And through this more money will come into circulation in the world. And there will be more work for everyone. And more profit to be made.
As everyone get the base sum. And with this base sum they can buy all the basic nessicities of life.
Now what must be created is the labour system. What I just thought about now is how to direct the labour system. The labour system must be the heart of the world. The heart of the human community. All that is given will be given through the labour system. And the labour system would then most effectively be split into several parts where each part has a certain responsibility towards society as a whole. Has a certain agenda to follow.
The leaders for these departments are not voted, or they are voted, but they also go through training, and they are always looked at. Now these different parts of the labour system have their own particular agenda that they must fulfill.
The is the
Health care- department
Transport and infrastructure- department
Housing and construction- department
Food and water- department
Entertainment- department
Education- department
Law- department
Energy- department
Industry and production- department
Distribution- department

And that is basically what society consist of. All of these departments answer for a part of society. And as a worker within these departments you get educated. You learn what it is that you do. Why you do what you do. And how you are to do what you are going to do. You can still start your own bransch and your own individual shops, industries, yet you are within one of these branches. You work become and exists within one of these branches. And if you decide to join into the labour system you join one of these branches.
It is important to have one bransch so that the same routines are followed everywhere. To ensure that there is a high quality in everything. If you decide to start your own medical institution. You will do so within the bransch of health care. And through this bransch you will get direction. As what is needed to be done. And what is not needed to be done.
Man it’s quite fucking hard to design this system. I want everyone to have the ability to do what they want to do without any control. I don’t want enormous heaps of paper, and enermous organisations only concerned with administration. I want the interaction to be fluid and effortless.
The reason for dividing all work within branches of departments is because that way all the various branches will be able to be given direction. There must be a head of the body. A head- department. This head- department is voted. These people are trained to see what is best for all. Trained to stand as and by principle and not fuck around. It’s their purpose to direct these branches into the direction of what is best for all. This bransch must be the head that is see’s what must be done for the body as a whole. What must be considered and done for the body for the body to function properly. It’s the organizer of all efforts.
And how will the body know what is needed? How will the head know what is needed to be done for the body? It will listen to the various different body parts and hear what they are saying. These branches will have direct contact with the market. The labour going on.
All these labourers will have experiences within their branches. A distributor in the distribution department might realize that there is one product produced that nobody ever buys. And thus he sends this message to the head. Which gives the direction to the production and industry department to stop producing this.
And when the medical department need a new medicine. They tell this to the head. And the head gives direction to the industry department of creating this new medicin. Thus all labour that is done is done for a purpose. The purpose is what is best for all. And my last idea of giving all personal free-choice won’t be able to pull through.
Thus how does the health-care department know what is must do. The healt-care departments actions is stipulated by the head. The head giving the principle. And then the health-care department giving feedback on how this principle is working.
So freelabour and starting your own labour will be quite difficult. Because if such is allow there will be no organisation. For example if you are a worker. Or you want to become a worker. And you decide to work for the health-care department. Now it’s up to them to firstly give you a suggestion of what you can do. Based upon what is needed for the health-care department to effectively be able to do what is best for all. And as such labour will be given out.
You won’t anymore give directions to yourself. Because you won’t know what is needed to be done.
Though obviously there are certain things that are stupid with this. The local shops. Like i got my car repaired today. How would that function in this system? The car shop will be under the maintaince department. But how would it function? How would the head know that such a car shop is needed in that area. Obviously people would call to the head and say that. Hey we need a shop in this area that repair cars. The head would then give direction to the specific department which would be. Maintaince and repair- department. Or industry and production department. The head saying that. We have people in this area that want there to be a shop here. Can you please arrange this. And thus the industry and production department say’s, yes indeed we are able to do such. And then the department contacts the various people and departments needed to set up a shop in this area. Many things are needed to be taken into consideration for only one shop to function effectively. A building must be up. Energy supplied. Electricians must go there to fix the energy. All these calls must be able to simply done. The interaction between the different departments must be simply and flawless. There might not even be nessecary to have departments. But it makes it more simply to have departments. That is so the head can more easily give instructions to it’s various parts of what is need to be done.
But for example the industry departments decideds to put up a car shop. It contacts the housing and construction department. We must have a shop set up here can you arrange this. And the deparment of housing and construction say’s. Oh yes we can. And then they set it up.
Then the industry department contact the distrubution department. Hello guys, we need some guys that can help us with delivery to this place. Is this possible to be arranged. Oh yes it is. And so the store is up and running. As the different parts are effectively communicating with each-other.
Might even be more effective if the head control all this. So that all communication go through the head. And the head is the organizer and over-seer. So the industry department simply say’s, yes we are able to set up a shop here. Or the industry doesn’t even need to know that the shop is going to be set up. The head simply contacts the building department and say’s. Hey guys, we need a building here. It’s going to be used as a blah. Okay cool. And then, hey guys we need a car-mechanic to this place. Okay.
And then the car-mechanic contacts the head to get the things he needs to his. The head being the overseer and the organizer. Seeing all various different components interacting and creating society. And directing it effectively for everyones pleasure. The head is the department that takes care of all direction. A quite massive job. It’s the listener to the people and the director between the various different components that make up the society.
So no free work is able. All work is directed through these departments. And obviously you as a worker are able to direct your work-place. Through contact with the head. You give your wishes and your wants. And the head then evaluates and see’s what can be done depending on all the other points being in motions. Simply, very simple.

Fame and fucking up

2010-08-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

Hello my dear computer, and my dear white screen on which I can place black pixels forming shapes that are called syllabaels. Through which I can create words through which I can live and express.

It's fascinating. Today have been a slow day. Quite many thoughts came up. Strange thoughts, lot's of anger towards my mom. I worked through it all with self-forgiveness. With my mother I still feel a little afraid and uncomfortable. Sometimes because of the way she is. Blame. I saw it there. Anyway. Moving on. I react to the way she is in feeling uncomfortable. I react to the way she pronounces words and directs questions towards me. In that I feel uncomfortable and trapped within myself. And I create this experience within myself. Just to make clear so I don't shift any responsibility here.

Reading talamons blog is fascinating and fun. I enjoy his expression. He seems to have much fun. And he seems to fuck a lot also. So much about fucking recently in my life. Recently I have actually been fucking also. And writing alot about fucking. And Talamon is also writing a lot about fucking. And how he feels like his partners is effective within sexual expression. Don't really know what that means. Being effective within sexual expression. Might be that you don't experience much reactions and experiences but simply express yourself here. I consider that being effective expression.

Some days before I came home from copenhagen, and I have been struggling with my studies. And I have been making music. The music point has been much influenced by dreams and thoughts. And I build these castles for myself all the time. Only to after a few days realize that they are simply castles made of sand and not real. And I want to write about the aim with my music here now. But I am not in the mood to write it all out again. I simply want to let these thoughts go now and direct myself within the moment as what is nessecary to be done and not complicate my life unnessecarily. But simply get this done.

So the music. Yes, not much to write about it. I am very much influenced by the entire culture of recording. And I have realized how much money goes into this buisness of recording. To actually get yourself out there, and to record your material in a way that is considered by the professionals as being good. It costs lots, and lots, and lots of fucking money. Money that I do not have. And thus I will have to do this another way.

These artists being seen and visible to all in the world. The super artists, it's strange why just them became these super artists. There is like no real being, or guy, that has through music simply made a success out of himself because he is so fucking good. It's almost more luck than being good. Because there are so many musicians that are extremely talented, and good that never get any attention at all. While others that are, actually rather sucky, gets extreme amounts of attention. So it's strange to see how it works. Getting out with music in this world really requires something special and unique. And a great recording is one of the things that is needed. Something I am working on. I am just going to get all this bullshit out of my way before I can do it. And by bullshit i mean thoughts, dreams and future projections. So I can work with what is here in my physical reality and forget about the dream reality in my mind. That isn't fucking real.

I haven't met anyone today. I have been suprised at how I am suddenly a lot more stable in everything I do. Like without any real thing happening or so on, just more stable. Don't know why. And I have the same application as always. Maybe it is this consistency of writing everyday that has made the difference. Anyway it's cool to be stable and not be so possesed with thoughts. I actually have reached a point where I enjoy getting up in the morning. Where I don't have any particular experience towards getting up. I just get my lazy but out from the bed the minute I wake up. And it's working good.

I have decided to sing covers with Anna. That is going to be one of the ways to make attention in this world. The attention I want to make with my music. There is still shit connected to this. It's not a action done unconditionally within the realization that this is how I will be able to support most effectively. It's still desires within this decision. And when Bernard spoke about, the thing that, everyone will have to loose something. Give up one thing. My thoughts immedietly went to music lol. That I will have to give up music. And maybe I will have to give up music as the system changes and everything changes. Because it is certain as bernard says. There are forces at work that I am not aware of yet. And it's inevetiable.

Pretty nice to simply end this world as it currently exist so we can get on with something real. I have no problem to give up anything in my life really. I could give up music. I could give up my computer. I could give up sex. Smoking I gave up. Showering. Bathing. Singing and playing guitar. I could actually give up all. I don't hold any particular value to anything. Though I would like to continue doing anything.

One of the points that I want to get out of my system as soon as possible is the point of fame. Because it's really messing with me. And as Bernard said. The point of fame holds the reason as to why I go into depression at points. Fame. Game. Shame. Lame. The same. The name. Fame, name, game.

aim. I am. Fat I am. Fair I am. Something like that. I am F I Am. FUCK I AM. FRAME. FRAME I Am. Yes, fame , the thing I wanted to be as I grew up. And the thing I saw myself to be as I grew up. There was always something I wanted to become. A hockey pro, a director, a bandy pro. Always a pro is what I wanted to become. And to be visible in television and to hear people speak about me. My dream was to become famous. And it's this desire to become famous that has made it impossible for me to be creative on my own. Like today, I saw a movie, and I saw just some simple shit in this movie going on. It was like bugs crawling on something.

And it reminded me that I actually like to do movies. It reminded me how much I like to play with pictures. Yet, I have never been able to play with pictures. Play with artistic expression without wanting an orgasm. And the orgasm being that I present this artistic expression for another that in turn likes what I have done. It's never been enough to do it only for myself. I have seen no point to do it only for myself.

Doing artistic shit. It's quite a lot of hard work to be artistic. And do artistic shit. Before when I was young I found so fascinating and fun to play around with images and words, and sounds. Then I suddenly created this desire to make this my job in this world. Where I would become a expert at making sounds, visions, and stuff, music, and be liked for it. As I would make my artistic expressions in a way that everyone would like to hear them. And this is now so ingrained. That each-time I do something. A artistic expression. It's not for myself. But it's for. A energy. I mean I can't do anything for myself. I can do something for another as myself. When I simply express myself and show this to another without at any time fluctuating in energy.

But I have wanted to get and experience energy when I did all of these things. And maybe my desire to express myself artistically still holds this desire to save the world, and still holds this desire to influence people in a specific way.

I remember when I saw documentery movies. It was fascinating to me. I liked the time went down into doing such a movie. And I liked how the movies turned out. And I wanted to become such a movie maker. So that I would be able to visit different places and make success with my expression with people.

Letting go of my desire to be famous would probably be very liberating for me. I don't know. Yes I do know. It would be liberating. But how do I let go of my desire. And is there actually a liberation to reach? I speak here in terms of my music. Where I have decided to express myself and go towards a certain nische with my music. Where I will focus only on accoustic instruments. I did that because I feel that is where I have a chance to break through with my music. I looked at how I experienced others music when I took that decision. I wanted to make music like cornelis vreeswijk. And I wanted to have contact with many musicians. It's this desire that keep on repeating itself. And that I keep on participating in. Where I just can't make the music for myself as all as one. Where I just can't express my music for myself as all as one.

The only solution I see is to continue to do music. And be unconditional. Not place any conditions upon myself and the music I can make. Though, this is also based upon thinking about my music. Thinking. God this music is fucking possesing me and my entire life. I simply can't just be here a entire day without once thinking about music.

Yes, my mission is clear here in terms of my desire for my and desire to succed within music. To let go of all points of ego and emotional crap in relation to making music and playing music. Because only then will I be able to express myself unconditionally, and enjoy myself unconditionally within music. And then to simply stop all thought processes. All wonderings here and there, and just allow myself to remain here and not be cast away by these thoughts. i don't need these thoughts to be here. I don't need thoughts to make music. I don't need emotions and feelings to make music. I don't need these constant plans, or so called plans and projections to be able to express and move myself here. No more fucking thinking. I have had enough of it. I remain here now and allow me to enjoy myself here. And let go of all thoughts because it's basically the thoughts fucking up everythin.

Sex and other stuff

2010-08-06T13:57:00.001-07:00

Today I have gone into a resistance period of living. Because my way of living is very, very planned at this moment with shit that I dislike to do. Like studying. Like sub4subing, it's repetitive stuff that must be done. And I resist doing them. But then i realize that there is really nothing else to do but do this shit.

Watching movies an entire day is just boring. Making music an entire day makes you sick. Literally sick. You feel like you can't take it anymore. And lying down in the bed an entire day. That's just boring also. And writing and entire day. Well, boring. So I am stuck with doing boring shit. In this boring reality. Lol. That is the experience. Boring stuff in a boring reality filled with boring things. And here I am. Forced to participate in all this boring shit. Lol.

So today I have made music. And I have written. And I am to apply self-forgiveness. Which I experience resistance towards. Just as I experience resistance towards sub4subing and writing myself out. It's like everything that is useful and good for me is things I experience resistance towards doing.

Making music today was lot's of fun. I have decided to become good at making music. And I will produce my music myself. I also discovered that I could sing in various cool ways. I had quite some time enjoying myself exploring my voice. That is like quite versatile if used in the correct way. The correct amount of air, the correct amount of bodily push must be used. And then the perfect voice comes out. Very dynamic. And I can make songs and lyrics very interessting through using my voice in this dynamic way. So it's like I realized my voice as myself today in a way. And I realize what Bernard meant about balance. Which is basically me hearing my voice. And hearing me within my voice. And through that standing in balance with the physical and expressing myself in equality with the physical. Feeling every part of my physical. Communicating with my physical. And through that being able to push exactly the right amount of air through my lungs and into my mouth and out. It's very cool.

I worked a lot with music today and I am already getting a lot better at the program. I will make that a priority point. To become really fricking awesome at making music. So I will be able to record really fricking cool music that can be played on radio. I just need fucking money to do it. And money is not something that I currently have access to. But at the moment I don't require it. I must first get better at using this program. Better at recording with the stuff I already have.

I have been very stable today. I meet a girl today which I felt was very expressive and alive. It was cool seeing girls that was like that. Not as conformed as the regular swedish people are. American people are more expressive and outgoing than swedish are. Especially their younglings. And they participate with adults in a different way. It was cool to see. I saw some life in those people. Like some real unconditional expression. And Svante seems to have lived some really cool things in his life.

A moment pops up for writing out. A moment where I was asked by my mother if I thought that the American visitors job was interessting. I answered yes. It brought up some shit right now. In terms of me thinking if I answered yes only in fear of answering no. There was some stuff going on in that front. The front of attempting to please and look interessted. It's quite hard for me to simply express as an equal in this moment. Naturally. But I did think that his profession was interessting. It was cool to hear about it. Though they didn't seem to think that it was so.

I experienced strange sensations with Svantes wife. First of all she seemed to like me very much. And we both laughed and enjoyed ourselves at the same things. It was fun being around her. I like looking intensly into peoples eyes when I first meet them. That is like the most fun thing to do. To just look really straight into another beings eyes. Anyway, I started to experience myself quite uncomfortable with her wife. And I had thoughts coming up, of, should I look at her or not. I felt like I avoided to look at her. Maybe I got afraid of the intimacy we experienced.

Later, i thought that maybe she wanted to have sex with me. And because of that she started to avoid me or feeling uncomfortable around me. Or maybe I wanted to control her somehow. It was something going on in that moment. And what I did was. That I simply remained here and I breathed through any reactions and experiences. And I didn't attempt to control myself in anyway. I simply remained here. Which was fun for me to do. Because I experienced myself quite stable and grounded.

What more have been going on today. i have been writing letters with Anna. Lol, I wrote a letter to her about sex. And then the entire fucking day this embarassement, guilt or some shit have come up in relation to this letter. And each time I've had to stop and breath. But it comes up again. And it has to do what I wrote in the letter about sex. And also I feared what Annas response might be to my letter.

The response came after a while and it was very simple and clear. And I wrote back a letter here in the moment. Simply writing with Anna is assisting for me and our agreement, is becoming more real. An agreement. That is what might, or this will work between us. Because we are compatible with each-other.

I had strange stuff coming up in me also while I made music today. Stuff about anger and frustration towards anna for not singing the way I wanted her to sing. And I also felt like the music wasn't becoming as good as I wanted it to become. Like the music was lacking a great lot. I noticed that I hadn't recorded it very well. It was to little sound i my recordings, and because of that the final product became bad.

And also I noticed the subtilities in singing. Especially with Annas voice, but also with mine. Really subtle stuff. Tonalities being of and such. So I decided I wanted it to be a lot better before I record it. I want to record it again. And go through the songs again. Record them in a studio this time. Because these songs will be like. The songs we release on a album. So I just make half-versions of them at the moment. And then later I will make the real versions. As I record the material in a better room. And more specifically. I am getting a lot better at it.

okay, so where was I. Yes anger at Anna. Strange anger i noticed came up several times. At special tonalities and ways, sounds that Annas voice did. And then thoughts of judgement came upon that. Like, Ah, she is making a fool out of herself, she is just trying to show off. Strange. lol, okay.

Anyway. I am not satisfied with two of our songs. They are not cool enough of recorded. I think one of the songs we did will be cool enough to make something of, I will see later.

Okay, so that's it for today on the front of writing. i feel like all my day has come to pass. Self-forgiveness. Today i will work on this embaressment I feel towards Anna.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed towards Anna
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed and ashamed for writing about sex to anna
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might have written something morally wrong to Anna
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of speaking my thoughts and my experiences to Anna
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide and supress my experiences with Anna
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for writing to Anna about how I want to experience sex
7. I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed and bad for desiriing sex
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to anna in terms of having sex
9. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than anna when i have sex with anna
10. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to do some mistake in the agreement
11. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to say something that is wrong or do something that is wrong
12. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear unconditionally sharing myself with anna in fear that what i share will be conditional and bad
13. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when anna notices and points out a point of conditions within my behaviour
14. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed over myself for wanting to commit a buisness deal with anna
15. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed, and connect guilt and shame and embarassment to the word of buisness deal
16. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that anna is going to be more directive than me
17. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won't be able to be intimate with anna
18. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won't be able to be vurnable with anna
19. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having fun with anna
20. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allwed myself to fear what anna might think of what i think, what i write, what i experience
21. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear living without any thoughts
22. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear living without any secrets
23. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anna is going to judge me or dislike me if i write out everything that i experience and think as i write to her
24. i forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to seperate myself from anna
25. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anna is going to think that i am to addicted to sex
26. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anna is going to dislike me and think that i am morally inferior due to having a desire to have sex
27. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to become sexually abusive
28. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to become sexually possessed
29. i forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear that i am going to share something with anna, that anna thinks is bad
30. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being bad
31. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i have exposed myself
32. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to anna, and sharing myself unconditionally with anna, in fear that anna is going to think that i am fucked up and weird and not want to be in a agreement with me anymore
33. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing all of myself to everyone in this world
34. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that my thoughts, my experiences are bad and that exposing them is something bad
35. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself without thinking or censoring myself in anyway when i speak to anna
36. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to censor myself when i speak to people
37. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to censor myself when i speak to anna, in fear of expressing myself as how i really experience myself, and waht i really think, in fear that anna then is going to reject and leave me
38. i forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear exposing myself
39. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am going to write or express something when i speak or write with anna that is going to make anna frustrated and angry with me
40. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with how annas voice is sounding
41. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge anna for how anna sings
41. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when anna whispers with her voice
42. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated that anna doesn't sing as how i want her to sing
43. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that anna would sing differently
44. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think about the mail i sent to ann where i explained how i would like to experience sex and feel ashamed and embarassed over myself for expressing how i would like to experience sex
45. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge fucking as being bad
46. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge fucking as being not soulful and deep
47. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge fucking as a bad, and wrong action to take
48. i forgive myself that i have acceopted and allowed myself to judge fucking as something that you are not allowed to speak or write about
49. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge wanting to fuck in specific ways as being bad
50. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge speaking about wanting to fuck in specific ways as being bad
51. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as a holy action, that is of love, and that you can't speak about, because it must happen automatically and in silence
52. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear and be ashamed of showing anyone that i desire to have sex
53. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and embarassed of asking anna to have sex with me
54. i forgive myself htat i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed over myself as a man, and feel like i am the sexual abuser and the bad guy when it comes to sex
55. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like the bad guy, the abusive guy, in comparison to the women in terms of sex
56. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am as a man less pure than a women
57. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to believe that i am as the physical expression of a man less innocent than the physical expression of a women
58. i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the essence of equality that exists in all physical expressions
59. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am being bad through writing, speaking about sex
60. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mentioning sex is bad
61. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define love as being better than sex
62. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to women and say that i want to love and care, within the belief that love and care is better than having sex
63. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as a low life expression that is something less than speaking, or showering, or simply walking
64. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make sex something more than it is
65. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when i have sx
66. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad after having sex
67. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to strange while having sex
68. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that it's abusive and wrong to have sex
69. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only valid reason to have sex is when you are going to pro-create yourself
70. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrong over being aroused
71. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrong over having a hard-on
72. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrong over having sexual thoughts
73. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am unpure and not innocent because i have a hard on and sexual thoughts
74. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow me to be mind-controlled into believing that sex is bad and wrong and a act of evil
75. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that you destroy yourself through having sex
76. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that you will go to hell through having sex
77. i forgive myself that i have accepted anda llowed myself to think that desire and arousal must be controlled, and if i let go for any moment, then i will go to hell
78. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that it's wrong to let go during sex
79. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that it's wrong to elt go
80. i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that sex is simply another expression of myself

I am here
I am sex
I am hard-on
I am penis
I am penetration
I am human physical body
I am expression as the physical as breath
I allow me to let go and have fun and explore myself within sex and within life

it's done

My day in writing

2010-08-01T14:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am here.
Quite sweaty and quite tired. And I got do sub4sub before I go to bed. It’s fucking warm here today.
Today I noticed anger with my sister that I had to go to the bank and fix shit to get her appartment in stockholm ready. I investigated and looked at the anger and it seemed to be based in feeling like I am being taken for granted. And also feeling like my sister doesn’t take any responsibility but is just fucking around. And me feeling like I was being used for having to stay in town during a day. Which isn’t so. I could have easily gone home. And then simply taken the bus to the town next day. Which is actually more practical because Peter is sleeping town. Depending at what time I get home I will take a bus home and arrange a ride home. And then the day after I will take a bus into town. Or I will sleep in my sisters room that night. I will speak to my sister about it tomorrow.
I have no real problem with staying in town. I like to be in town. The only problem would be that I have lot’s of shit with me when I got to Denmark. And also that I won’t really feel at home. But other than that I have no problems towards sleeping in town.
So that is that, some anger and frustration. I have gotdamn pains all over my body also and I feel this pressure on certain body parts. Especially my knee and under my head I have lot’s of pressure. It feel quite uncomfortable to say the least.
Today when I had a chat with Dimensions I freaked out a little bit. And went into reactions. I usually don’t go that much into reactions but with the dimensions I did it. I also pushed mysefl to be directive with dimensions and to drive the situation so to speak. But there was a lot of fear doing that. And I noticed the fear coming up all the time of making them angry, or driving over them with my behaviour. And when they told me that I was participating in ego I was quite shocked, i did experience energies. I didn’t know really how I manifested it just. But it became evident with Sunette and the dimensions that there where energies within me.
Yes, I have a lot easier speaking with the camera. I enjoy myself more now and feel more confident in just speaking about all that comes up. Before I placed all these rules onto myself as what i could speak about and what I could not speak about. Now I am flowing much more nicely. It seems like all this self-support is really helping me to get out of the mind. I have written so many thousands of pages of words in all various contexts. It’s like these lasts months I have just been writing words and expressing words all the time. I almost feel quite tired of expressing and working with words all the time.
Dimensions told me one line of support. To just continue applying myself and move myself to do what I see has relevancy for me in my world. And so that is what I continue to do. Just move myself everyday. My swedish channel, i think I won’t continue, I won’t have any particular use for it. It will take to much time to get a swedish channel running. I will use my old one and simply start posting in both languages. Both english and swedish. And making vlogs in both english and swedish.
Yet my blog is effective in swedish, and my equal money blog will have to rest for now.
So that is what I am going through. Some emotions and some feelings. Yet it is calming down.
Oh, these last two days I have experienced like exstensive guilt in the morning when I have waken up. Guilt and various shit have come up. Don’t know what to write about it more than that. It’s experiences that come up within me in the morning.
Oh, and my mornings are going a lot easier. I am actually able to get up in the morning without dying completly. I actually enjoy getting up in the morning some days. Which is like really cool for me. It’s like I have finally started to see life in some small ways. Because I have begun to enjoy myself and feel a purpose in my life again. I feel like there are actually things that are important for me to do. That are important for everyone that I do. Stuff that must be done and that can’t be waited with.
So that is where I am at now. Just moving myself everyday. And the dimensions told me to do it until it becomes a natural expression. And never stop. But just move myself all the time until it’s naturally here. I have come quite far on that road because it’s a lot more naturally here than it was before. Before I had a fucking struggle doing anything. Now it’s only a slight pain to do anything at all.
So, this will conclude my writing for today, I will also do some self-forgiveness
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be proper and correct
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being inproper and incorrect
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking, saying or doing the wrong thing
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in a wrong way
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted adna llowed myself to attempt to be proper, attempt to consider others from a starting point of conducting myself specifically to seem proper and good
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be good
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being to pushy and to directive
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being inproper and crossing boundries of other people
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking into someone that is on the bathroom
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted adn allowed myself to fear being inproper and walking into anothers life
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making others disgusted and angry with my presence
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking to much place and being regarded as stupid by other people
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am writing something or saying something that i am not allowed to say or write to the dimensions
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the polarity of being proper and inproper
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the polarity of being correct and incorrect
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for speakking and writing pleading to the dimensions
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being misunderstood by the dimensions
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the dimensions are going to become pissed of at me
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself incorrectly and in a way that the dimensions will view as not being good
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bad and inferior being
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being dishonest and ego tripping
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear and be ashamed and feel bad over myself when the dimensions point out points of self-dishonesty
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind to see what i am doing
24. I forgive myself that i ahve not allowed myself to stop and be here in every moment
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear crossing a line with the dimensions, in fear that the dimensions are going to become pissed of at me
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the dimensions are going to think that i am inproper
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being inproper infront of my mother
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to consider myself as a proper and good being
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel like i am a good being that always do the right things
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel like ia m liked by others because i am a good being
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something that is bad
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in a bad manner
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the polarity of bad and good and right adn wrong
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing mc wrong
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing with muscle communication
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to want to do muscle communication correctly and proper
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have correct and proper respones
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the dimensions are going to show me that i am having thoughts about me in relation to other people, in how i ma better than other people
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to want to see myself as a holy and good being that never has any bad thoughts about anyone
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see myself as a proper and correct being that always succeds and does everything in the right manner
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get attention with my music
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am doing the music on the wrong language
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that nobody will see my music, to fear that i am pre-moting myself in a inproper manner on the internet
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear writing or saying something bad or judgemental about another being
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being considered as a inproper and judgemental being
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being considered as a bad being
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to stop speaking with me because they think i am bad
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to dislike being with me because they think i am inproper and bad
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as a proper and correct being that never have done any fault or mistake
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go and enjoying myself
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing through my fears
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will be dishonest with the resonances or hurt the resonances with my behaviour
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ego with resonances, in fear that they will see that and mention it to me
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing anything wrong infront of my mother
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing anything wrong infront of my father
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing anything that might draw attention to itself as being wrong and inproper
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being inproper with the dishes and leave dishes after me, in fear that i will be punished for that, and somehow go to hell for such a action
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to be proper in fear of going to hell
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will be declined access to heaven if i am not proper and correct and right in all i do
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the belief that there is a hell and a heaven and that i will become punished
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will become punished and burn eternally in hell
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to fear doing something wrong or bad in fear that people are going to look down upon me as a unpure being
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as athe opposite of innocence and purity
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as innocence and purity to feel good and okay about myself
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that it’s going to be revealed that i am not innocence and purity
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being innocence and purity
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not being innocence and purity
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and judge myself for having secrets
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have secrets even for myself
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a reputition with people of being good and trustworthy
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be proper, pure, good and trustworthy in terms of how others see me
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in what other people tell to me about me
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced about waht other people tell to me about me
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and change myself and create a experience within me the moment someone in my reality tells me something about mysefl
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted anda llowed myself to place higher trust in the people around me than in myself
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people around me know me and see me better than what i see myself
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and to balance out this self-hate seek acceptance and recognition from people around
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself
79. I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to love myself and and appreciate myself
80. I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to appreciate myself and recognize myself
I am here
I am self-appreciation
I am self-trust
I am self-direction
I am self-movement
I am here

Direction 2

2010-08-01T08:17:00.001-07:00

So,
Fascinating to see how this process is moving. I am here and I am moving myself and facing myself in every moment of breath. Not accepting and allowing myself to deviate. I am here and I have had enough of this shit. I will stand up.
Fascinating to see Ann’s video. It truly shows that things are actually changing. I didn’t think that Ann was actually going to shave her hair. I thought she would fall on that point. And when she finally did. I thought that she didn’t do it unconditionally. But needed a reason to do it. But hearing her video. It’s cool to see what she has been going through and what she has considered and so on.
To see her experessing herself was fascinating. Her expression after the hair-shave was different. More direct, more alive than her expression before the hair-shave. Such a simply point of letting go of the self-definitions created through how we look can be so assisting.
In my process I am facing undefined and quite uncomfortable energies. I am also practicing expanding myself within my body through breath. Because I notice my body contorts at certain points. This is when I am having a unconcious reaction. The solution I have found is to breath and expand myself as my breath in my body and through that force my muscles to relax. It’s like I breath life into my body and when that life gets here my body relaxes and my muscles let go.
It’s fascinating to see the community around the process. I have not considered or seen this community as clear as I do now. I truly enjoy all the people involved in this community. I enjoy what they stand as. I enjoy their honesty with who they are. I enjoy their expression and intimacy with themselves. I enjoy their dedication and their realness. That they are actually out to do something that will have an effect upon everything within this world. I am glad to be a part of this movement and glad to get the oppurtunity to stand up and direct myself.
I have taken upon the point to be the driving principle of the equal money system in sweden. I will stand as the example of self-movement in terms of bringing out the attention that is required to be given out. It won’t be a huge problem. And it will not take much of time. I will focus upon writing, vlogs and music and through that bring attention to this change. I will also build up my name as a brand and as a something to be recognized. Because having fame in this world will make it much easier for me to get this message across. And I have let go of the idea to build my fame upon music. Music will simply be a tool through which I communicate certain words. It’s not of any importance.
What will make me famous will be the words I write, the words I stand as. It will just be a matter of placing these words on the internet. And then getting these words to be seen. Which is something that I am working upon in terms of how I am going to do this.
Yesterday I decided how to shape my music videos. They are going to be black with only the words. All my songs are going to be in swedish from here on. I also decided that I was only going to use guitar and that is to make my songs more simple. I see that I still resist making simple and bad songs. Lol. I still want to become famous and have my music be recognized as something fantastic.
That is why I am wavering in simply doing my music quick and effectively and without paying to much attention to how they sound. It will simply be something that I place on youtube anyway, and also might place downloads. If there is a demand I can place them to be bought. But their main purpose will be to draw attention to the message.
And I won’t need perfect quality for that. I will need reasonable quality. Electric instruments are cool. I will aim at doing about one song every week. I will keep everything simple so that my recording time is cut down. I wont try to be or do anything fancy that takes long time.
I will sell my base, and only my guitar is going to be so called real instrument. All other instruments I will add electronically. For purposes of practicality.
What I am going to push also is swedish vlogs about our current money system. But I don’t want to do them yet. I still want to prepare myself. And I will prepare myself through writing. Then after a while as I feel I am getting stable in my words in terms of the equal money system I will start with these. But at the moment writing in swedish, and music, and also private vlogs will have highest priority. It’s what I will focus my time upon.
Today I am having my relaxing day. So today I won’t move myself as hectically. I will watch a movie and I will write today.
To write down my plans like these in specifity truly assists me and structures my movement in terms of what it is that I must do. I get a picture when I do it. I can see the whole picture and see the practicality of why I am doing the things that I am doing. The practicality of doing music is to draw attention through entertainment. At the same time expose the words of the message.
The practicality of writing and a blog is to place the message out there.
The practicality of branding my name is to make me famous. And thus expand my influence in the matrix. And in this support myself to be able to support the equal life party to be effectively implemented.
So, those are my focus points. I am getting much more clear within myself thanks to this writing.
The thing that I feel I haven’t pushed enough is my vlogging. Which I have been slacking because I have felt like I haven’t had anything good to say. And I honestly have no idea what to speak about in terms of the equal money system, or my process. I am quite empty. The things I have spoken about so far has been quite cool to speak about. But in relation to my life I have no real experience that I want to share. There is like nothing of real importance going on in relation to my life. Maybe I must learn to simply pick subjects to speak about and then speak about them. And maybe I am not supposed to do personal vlogs anymore at this time as I have nothing more to speak about.
I don’t know. I will push me to do a vlog and as I do the vlog. I’ll see what comes up in the moment of doing the vlog.
Focusing upon the equal money system. I want to focus upon law. That is my focus point. So a cool video might be. What is law and how is it used to defend the rich?
That I don’t know really. I have no clue actually as to how our law system functions and how it is set up to keep the rich from not loosing their possesions. Stealing is against the law. Yet, stealing is also premoted by the law.
I mean, yes okay I have no clue at all as to how the law functions. I will have to read some books on this subject to get a clue on how the law functions. This is the point that I am going to take on. The swedish law. And I will see how this law is set up and how benefits from such a law. What are the loop-holes of such a law. Why is there such a law to begin with?
I see the common sense now of adding electronic instruments to my songs. If the purpose of making the songs is to attract viewers. The purpose is entertainment. Then the most common sensical approach is to make the songs into their fullest expression. Where they express, or where they draw the most attention. That is the practicality of adding electronic instruments. Practicality of adding electric bass instead of my bass, is that the electric bass sound better. Thus it supports the intention and reason for why I am making my music.
So it is to see and value what I do according to the intention and the reason I have placed for myself. In terms of music that is to generate attention, it is to generate views, it is to generate peoples like and make them interessted. And thus all that supports this reason is what I must implement in my music. And all that which doesn’t support this is what I am going to remove. More instruments make music more interessting. Thus raising the entertainment level. And it supports me starting point.
With vlogs, what is my starting point with vlogs, why am I doing vlogs. I dov logs to articulate and express my realizations of the equal money system. I do vlogs to make others realize and see the benefits and the obvious common sense with a equal money system. I want people to see my point. I want my point to be placed as simple as possible and in a short amount of time. I want the point to be undeniable and very fast placed. So that all hearing my interview can’t say that it isn’t so.
I must start my research again in terms of researching this money system. I haven’t done sufficient research and I have not yet a sufficient understanding of how our current money system operates.
Okay, so my purpose is quite well placed and planned. I am now to live it in self-discipline and self-commitment. The starting point of this being. To implement a money system that is to the benefit of everyone. To end all abuse in relation to money.

So that is what I have to place about myself at the moment. I don’t know what more there is to write or place down. Not much. I am breathing. I am moving. And there isn’t much more than that going on within me. Except some reactions popping up here and there.
The decision to give me a purpose is the best thing I have done. It’s so cool to live for something bigger than me. It’s so cool to have a purpose because within having a purpose. Well my life actually have meaning. I am not just sitting around waiting that something is going to happen. I have actually decided that this equal monetary system is going to become implemented in sweden. And I will considred all the points nessecary for such a system to be implemented.
It will require lot’s of planning. Lot’s of things must be taken into consideration if I am going to get this to work. A priority is to begin to speak and make videos in swedish. Yet, how to attract swedish attention. The swedish people blend in with the english people. I see that facebook is very important. Might be that the new channel. Well the new channel is actually nessecary. Both a swedish and a english channel is needed. I can’t simply have one. With my swedish channel I am going to focus upon drawing attention of swedish people. Social internet living. That will be done through commenting. Making videos. Showing myself. Though it’s not nessecary to go into that stage at the moment. At the moment vlogs will not be pre-dominant. Or maybe they will. I won’t exclude vlogs. If I am really honest with myself vlogs does, and actually have a big part in moving this point. I must simple push myself to write more about this system and expand my understanding of our current system so that I will be able to have something to speak about.
And then I can challenge myself to do videos both in english and in swedish. So that both my channels are moving forward. Aiming to do. 1 english vlog a week, one swedish vlog a week, and one song a week. That will be my aim.
Or one swedish vlog a week. One english vlog a week. And one song every two weeks.
Anyway, the swedish channel I will coreeleate with my wordpress. And I will make them very closely together. Speaking about the subjects that I take up and write about. I want to expand my subjects that I am writing about. So the topic I will take is law. Though, might not be law. I am not sure about what I am going to take as my next point to research and write about.
Okay, so anyway. That is enough of writing about my direction. I will develop my direction as I move myself. And as I expand myself in my writing and self-forgiveness.

My direction

2010-07-30T14:04:00.001-07:00

Okay,
Hello. Some new things have come up in my process. In terms of a decision as to what I am going to do. Especially with law. And what came up was what is needed to be done for the principle of equality. That it is this principle which I must live and direct myself by in every living moment. And that it’s only such a application that is real so to speak.

So where am I going to place myself, what is needed to be done in my immediete life in terms of expanding and moving myself. I see writing is needed. Writing in term so educating myself about the world systems and placing down the principles upon which I am going to stand when I eventually will either go into politics, or support others go into politics. I must prepare myself effectively. Because when I do get my degree of a lawyer I will have power in the system to be able to influence. And at such a position I will be able to get into magazines and share my realizations and my view. I will make a name out of myself and make myself known so to speak.

That is what I see the benefit of studying to become a lawyer. That I will automatically get a high-ranking position in the system. And through such a high-ranking position I will through the mediums in this reality. Which is magazines, and televisions and radio-shows. Be able to have a influence. Oh, and obviously the internet.

So what I am going to do is I am going to open up a account. Maybe the singing lawyer. And a website that it is. At that point which is in the future I will have developed my writing skills, and my insights of our current system. That is something that I will begin to work on now. Because I see that this is what I must do within my current living of the principle of equality. Which is what I will dedicate myself to live in life. What is best for all.

Fascinating to live such a principle. In living such a principle. Truly living to change, and direct this reality into something better. What fear is there? What nervousness is there. I simply have this point of direction in terms of I know what it is that I must do. And I know why it is that I must direct myself to become a lawyer. It is also to assist my other desteni friends in the process of establishing this party. And if anything is coming up in terms of law I will,and must take care of that. I will also have to look at all the laws that currently exist. Exstensively research and write about the laws to come to a conclusion as to what laws are supportive for mankind, for all, for equality and what laws are simply in the way.

Though, that process of re-vising the laws is yet to begin. At this moment I will practice upon my general standing within writing and developing my insight and common sense. I will also start writing in swedish. As this is the language which I will in the future live by and direct myself within. Thus if I get my writing effective in swedish I will also get my writing, or speaking effective in swedish.

I realize why writing is so important in terms of re-directing this society. Because society is built upon laws, and these laws are the written word. And these laws have been constructed and created through the written word. Thus when I sit down to write, de-construct and look at all the implications of all the laws. I am re-writing our society. And I am re-writing myself to be able to re-direct society.

Fascinating points are going to open up as I walk this direction of law. This is one point I will take on in my life time. The law. As it is such a important facet of society in terms of society functions. This point I will take on and learn to direct very effectively. And I will in the same process establish the basic foundations of the laws that are going to be implemented in a equal monetary system.

So this is where I am at the moment in terms of establishing myself. In my process. The consideration for more is coming in. The consideration of actually choosing to walk a process.

And I see this vawering in terms of walking myself fully into the purpose of law. What comes up is my music and giving up my music completely. Not giving anymore attention to music but fully becoming this law.

Though I will be able to do both with ease. Music does not take much time to enage myself within. Law is my primary objective.

Within this there is still wavering and movement and I don’t experience this rock-stability in terms of walking the decision to take on the law of our society. That is going to be my mission and my directive. I will take on the law within the world. The law that has been used to enslave this world. I will take on this law in all facets of it. And as a educated lawyer, I will have access to influence other law men with my proclimations and research.

What might actually be something to consider is to become a teacher of law. If that is not to difficult. Or I will simply establish myself as a author. Or as something as that.

Indeed the written word is what is going to be my strenght as a lawyer and which will give me many openings into the system.
I realize I have not really seen this decision to actually direct myself in the system within this specific principle as real before. I didn’t see this process as so extremely life-changing. As so totally giving up my life. But now I do realize. I will have to give up my life completely to walk this process.

At the moment I am simply going to begin to write my foundation of understanding of how the current system operates. And later on as I start my law training I will begin to develop the new laws that are going to be implemented. And I will stand as the point of knowledge, and the point of seeing, and assist in directing the equal life party to implement effective laws.
So, at the moment, as I am writing, I will also research of how I am going to direct myself in the system as I am out. In terms of how I am going to place myself. What contacts I must establish. I must get into newspapers, television stations, I must get into the heart of the media world, I must get to know people that are into the entire buisness of getting out to people. And through this I will in the end be able to influence an entire world. Simply through my writing.

My music will in the end not be here anymore. It will be here at the moment as a point of self-support in terms of getting my name known on the internet and getting out the message. But I see that with music i won’t be effective. There is to much considerations with music.

Books are truly a more effective means of reaching out in this reality. Books require no cost as, and manpower the way that music requires it. And it is very easy to get out to the people. I require nothing of all the things I do require with music. So music will be very much secondary, if I don’t decide to give up music at all. At the moment I won’t give it up. Because I don’t have that much things to do. Thus I have a lot of time on my hand. And then I can dedicate my time to play music just as I can dedicate my time to anything else.

So some realizations after hearing Marlens interview in terms of what it is that I must do and how I am going to direct myself in my reality. I will develop my writing. I will start to write my first books. Writing. The thing I disliked, and the thing I truly despised. Or did I? Writing have actually been one of my talents in my entire life. I have always been able to structure words very fluently with no effort at all. Manipulate words into all facets. And this is a strenght that I have.

Thus I will write my first book. Which will be the exploration of our current money system. That is the first thing I am going to write about. Or maybe law. I don’t know really, if I decide to write about law I will have to study and research law. The money system is easy avaivable to study. And I will write in swedish.

In my music the lyrics will become the prime importance. Through my music I will learn how to structure my message, or express my message in the physical. So my writing is the structure. And my music is the expression of that structure. And not only music but also vlogs, vlogs and music are the expression of what I structure myself to write about.

So that is my direction that I am going to take in terms of my life. In terms of my directing myself to change the world system of law.

Enjoy

working with fear

2010-07-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

Hello,
I am still facing this bodily spasm, of tightening my entire body as I interact with people. Especially males. I saw this now as I played a game with my brother. It was quite a cool point to face. Playing a game simply for the enjoyment of playing a game and not wanting to win at all.
Though I face this unconcious shit that I have no idea where it comes from. Where I notice my entire body go into a uncomfortable spasm. A tightening. And I do experience it. And if I breath and allow myself to feel my physical at the point when I experience this I see that my body is actually crampening. And I am getting like, pissed that I can’t transcend this experience. And I realize that there is still writing and self-forgiveness to be done on this point. Because this shit only exist as a physically manifested experience. Because there is still shit within me that I haven’t dealt with.
So i will simply write about whatever comes up and assume that what I am writing about is actually relevant to this point. Or I can muscle test and be more specific in my writing.
Okay what comes up is the word, treacherous. The fear of being betrayed by other people. And I don’t know when this fear came up. It could be a experience towards my parents as I grew. Because I in many times felt deceived by my parents. I remember sharing myself as I grew up. Things I considered to be intimate and I didn’t want anyone to find out about. And I remember that my brother and my family, used to taket hese experiences that I shared in confidence and speak of them to my friends.
Treacherous. That is kind of how I see the human nature. And that is how I have experienced my parents to be many times. Saying one thing and then doing another thing. Promising one thing and then going into the other direction.
It is also what I have experienced from Joel. Who seemed to be one of the most treacherous people I have ever been with. He stole my ipod. He spoke behind my back. Did he still something more? Yes he stole my video camera. Man that was insane. I had no idea that he would actually steal my video camera. Bu the actually did that. And I confronted him with it, and he lied straight in my face. Like fascinating. And then my mother called and threatened his mother. Or something like that. And suddenly the video camera appeared in our mail-order. In our mail.
That time I had a realization about the human nature. I realized how little I actually knew about the humans. And that everyone could hide what they experienced, and thought so very well. They could stab you in the back and not show any experience at all. So I was kind of, appalled when that happened, completely shocked at seeing that my friends. Which I trusted, and which I didn’t believe would do such a thing actually did such a thing.
I also have always feared that people are going to speak behind my back. If I say something with my friends, or do something, I fear that they will use what I did or said and speak about it later. Like bring up how I moved or how I spoke and make fun of me.
I’ve always been very interessted in what people say about me. And how people speak about me. What are the opinions that others have about me? Do others find me a cool, responsible, disciplined and expressive being? Or do others find me to be the other way around?
So that is what I can see with the word treacherous. It’s also like this experience of not being able to trust others with anything. Like I can’t trust people with sharing anything of myself. Because they will abuse it. Or that is how I have felt in my life. Then when I have shared something intimate and close, then this have been opened up as a way of abusing me.
It could be my mother. Not my father though. He didn’t do it very often. But at times when I shared my troubles with my mother. I always became ridiculed. It was like I couldn’t trust anyone to actually care for me and mean well for me. As they would do something against me in the end to get something out of me.
Like if I shared myself with my mother. She would later bring up the same subject and this time use at as a weapon to defeat me. Things I had shared because I wanted support and assistance. And then all these things got thrown back at me because my mother knew that I was weak on those points.
Yes, treacherous. I have also had the experience of people always hiding their true intentions. And that I can’t really know what anyone is planning, what anyone is thinking. And so I can go about my day and think that everything is fine. And everything is cool. And then suddenly those people which I thought I had a stable relationship with are suddenly sharing and opening up that they are not at all satisfied with me. And then some shit happens in my world. Some conflict or some bullshit.
So it’s like I have learned to always read people and attempt to understand what people are thinking about me. In a way to prepare myself for some shit that might happen in my world. Where some shit is going to open up and my world suddenly change it’s direction.
One of the first trecherous people I made friends with was Alexander. He was treacherous. He was the one that I first experienced myself decieved and used by. Though he never took any of my secrets. Or did he? No he was more someone that would in a moment when were alone be all cool with me. And i would enjoy being with him and speaking with him. And then when we where in a moment with other people he would change and he would start to use me as a way to climb in the moment and own the moment. Through saying things about me.
I remeber one time there was some shit being said. And I went into this total expeirence of fear and discomfort around alexander. And alexander said that I was almost beginning to cry. And this was like the biggest shame to me ever. To cry infront of my friends. And at that moment I felt angry at Alexander for doing such a thing to me. For being so mean in a moment towards me without me doing anything to deserve it. And after that I remember I decided that I was not going to be with Alexander anymore. And I started my period of getting back at Alexander. Which I did through ignoring Alexander. And speaking shit about Alexander.
I think it was that which I did. I decided to not be with Alexander anymore anyway. And we parted ways.
So that is what comes up with the word trecherous. Also girls comes up. I’ve had some experiences with girls where I have just, felt humiliated and embarassed.
Okay I am going to do self-forgiveness on the experience with Alexander first
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and sad when alexander used me as a way to get himself to feel superior in a moment
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing that i was hurt
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing to others that i was crying
4. I forgvie myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at alexander when he attempted to spread rumors about me in school
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decide within me that people are treacherous and will do anything to decieve me and use me to get better than me
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there where so many people around me when i started to feel uncomfortable
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when alexander spoke about me
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and ridiculed when alexander spoke about infront of my classmates
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others where thinking about me when alexander spoke about me infront my classmates
10. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to feel decieved, and blame alexander for my experience
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in alexander to care for my well-being
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that alexander would share with people what i shared with him when we where alone
13. I forgive myselft hat i have accepted and allowed myself to define people as being treacherous, due to people changing and becoming different when more people where added into a situation
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate alexander because alexander was trying to make me look bad
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take out my revenge on alexander through making alexander look bad and become picked on in the class
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that anyone would think that i cried in the classroom
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to desire to put alexander into shit
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to start speaking shit about alexander to other people in order to get alexander to become disliked in the class
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel humilated and embarassed when alexander pointed at my face and told everyone that i was crying
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as a inferiorty and a weakness
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define and see crying as something that only weak and ifnerior people do
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ridiculed and inferior when alexander spoke about me
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate alexander, because he changed around people, and used me as a way of getting more attention
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dislike alexander yet still hang around, and socialize with alexnader in the belief that i must be nice and follow through with my relationships
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constrict and limit myself and feel fearful of alexander saying anything of my behavior that might make others react in anger towards,
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that alexander was going to ridicule my body type, and judge me for being fat
27. I forgive myself that i have accepte dna dallowed myself to judge myself for being fat
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel humilated and desire to sink through my chair, when i sat in my chair and looked into the screen as alexander was saying that i was starting to cry
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear and go into total panic towards crying infront of alexander
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel betrayed and decieved by alexander
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge alexander for me becoming influenced
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge alexander for how i experienced myself in that moment
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel humilated, when alexander told me that i was beginning to cry, and fear that antonia which was also there was going to look down upon me after this
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people where going to treat me with less respect if they knew that i cried
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people where going to dislike me and treat me badly, and talk behind my back if they knew that i cried
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i can’t trust another human being again after what alexander did
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame alexander and be angry at alexander thinking that alexander used me to get higher up into the social hiearchy
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react and become influenced when alexander spoke to me
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place trust into alexander to support me and never back-stab me, in terms of using me to get a higher social reputition with others
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and llowed myself to fear being with people in fear that they are suddenly going to turn on me, and back-stab me, and use me as a way of gaining popularity with others
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being used as a picking-subject for others to feel better about themselves and to raise themselves with others
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a picking-subject
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting and gein gintimate, and expressing myself unconditonally without others, in fear of becoming a picking subject
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to be hard and unforgiving towards me
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being resented and rejected
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to be brutal and direct with me
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to attempt to ridicule and make fun of me
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want people to be and express mildness for me to feel comfortable around them
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being around people, especially males, that do not present and express mildness
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to be harsh, and direct, and yell at me
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define people speaking in a loud voice as being unfriendly, and bad, and react towards this in fear
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being around males that take up place in terms of expression
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up in the shooting range for such a male, and fear that i will be the subject chosen of humilation
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that doesn’t smile towards me
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that doesn’t present a happy and mild face towards me
56. I forgive myself that i ahve accepted and allowed myself to fear people that doesn’t fear to speak and express themselves
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that aren’t afraid to say what they are thinking about
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that doesn’t sugar coat their words in attempting to speak in a way as to not hurt me
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define not sugar coating your words as being bad
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear harsh words and harsh tonality
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear any moment or situation where harshness might occur, as a conflict, as a dispyte, as anger and frustratin
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to be mild all the time in fear of creating, a reaction within another of harsness
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making another frustrated at me, and determined to lower my status with other people
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are suddenly going to ridicule me and tell something about me meant to hurt me
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hurt by my sister
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that a situation is going to develop where people are going to be harsh towards me and decide to reject me and not support me anymore
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being apart of messiness
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that a situation is going to become messy, and that i am going to loose control over a situation
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear messiness, as many things happening in one moment that i have no control over, and that i can’t perceive in one moment at once
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear messiness
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in messiness
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being organized and controlled when i express myself towards people in fear of choosing words or expressing myself in a way that might make others react in anger and frustration
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in words and behaviour without controlling myself, in fear that i am going to cause a reaction and a response within another of harshness, or anger or frustration
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not plannig and think before i express myself
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not think beforehand i express myself, in fear that i might say something that is not going to be seen as a positive in my enviroment
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating a large reaction of resentment and anger towards me in my enviroment
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as messy by others, and not expressing myself in alignement with the social conduct others see as good
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not following social conduct in fear of being judged and resented by others
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being messy and unruly and making others frustrated and angry with me
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making others frustrated and angry at me

Past relationships

2010-07-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

So,
Some new developments in terms of a agreement with Anna. As I read annas response, and she said she might not want a agreement. I suprised myself with realizing that I had no really reaction towards that. It was interessting. I don’t want to rush into anything. I want to wait and prepare myself to enter a agreement through writing. And in writing I will script the vocabulary that I want to live.
Though what did come up is some shit, some supressed fear in relation to others reading my blog. What came up was, a fear of people seeing the shit I have written in my blog. I can be very direct and open with what I think and how I experience myself. And I fear that I sometimes might have, actually shown people who I am as my innermost desires, wishes and thoughts. And I feared that I through showing and exposing this part of me. I would not anymore be able to be trusted by others.
So it’s interessting that it actually had the opposite effect. As I shared myself in writings in terms of my plans, ideas and dreams, what came up was Anna seeing my blog-post. And also having the same ideas. Fascinating. A agreement with Anna again. This time a agreement that is going to last. I am going to push myself. That is if a agreement is actually going to be. It is a possibility.
What I must push up until the point of the agreement is the point of sexuality. That is a point that I want to clear up to support myself as I enter the possible agreement. Because as it is now the desire many times possess me to the point where I experience pain in my penis. So there is memories and shit messing with me that I am going to bring up.
I also want to focus upon seeing and writing about my old relationships. To see who I was in these relationships. What my thoughts where. What I felt towards others. How I experienced myself. And how I expressed myself.
I will begin with this at this moment:
My first relationship was with Emma, that was my first as what I want to call serious relationship that I thought was going to last for quite a while. It didn’t last for quite a while. Emma thought that I wasn’t expressing enough feelings. It might be that I at that point was a very physical being and didn’t feel any need to express anything.
I felt like it was a enjoyable relationship. But it turned out that it wasn’t as Emma decided to break up with me.
I had some heavy emotional experiences with Emma in relation to sex. Where I got rejected from having sex by Emma. And from that point on I didn’t dare to ask Emma the same question again regarding sex because I feared becoming rejected. I also felt embarassed being naked and in the same bed as Emma. Kind of exposed, and in such a position becoming rejected by Emma.
So that is the first memory that I am going to work with in self-forgiveness.
Rejected by Emma
Other than that the relationship flowed quite nicely. I enjoyed lying in the same bed as Emma and just kissing Emma. And also dry-humping Emma. I had many fears concerning how to approach Emma. How to speak with Emma about sex. And all in all. My general experience of nakedness and sex was that of uncomfort. And that of feeling like it was forbidden to talk about.
So I didn’t speak about it. I don’t remember me and Emma speaking much at all. But I remember that I liked to be in the same bed as her. I remember that I wanted her to stay over many times, but I didn’t have the courage to ask her to stay over. And so we slept naked together for the first time. I remember taking of Emma her underpants, and in that moment realizing that I was naked in the bed with another girl. And that I actually could have sex.
It was like a great moment for me that i had been waiting for. The great sex moment. But Emma told me that she didn’t want to loose her virginity right then and there. I became distroaught, and hurt, and experienced myself very uncomfortable. I don’t know why. Maybe because I expected to have sex with Emma. Maybe because, I felt like my manliness was taken away when Emma didn’t want to have sex with me. Anyway, my mood was taken away in that moment.
Oh I remember how tense I was by the way, because my parents where sleeping beside me. And I remember how quite I tried to be so that my parents wouldn’t react. And I remember how proud I was to be able to tell Henrik that I was making out with a girl. It was fantastic to have a girlfriend I thought. Because it meant physical contact. And I had desired physical contact so much.
So we continued to meet each-other. I quite enjoyed it actually. And I had no idea what was going on in Emmas head. I might actually have supressed anger and blame towards Emma. That it ended so abruptly. It ended in a moment. As I didn’t want to come to Emma because she had no television. And I heard she became angry at me. And then she said she didn’t want it anymore. She said, something, you can come if you want to come. And at that moment I didn’t feel to come at all. I was very sad actually. I got suprised at how sad I became.
The relationship and mainly circled around making out, and around sex, there had been tension around this sex point because none of us dared to take command and direct the sex point effectively in communication and in expression. Physical movement. And there was no real direction in relationship at all. There was mostly fear existing within the relationship towards ourselves. We where insecure. I felt like there where laws and rules I now had to uphold as I entered the relationship. And I felt like I didn’t have full knowledge on how to behave and move myself in a relationship.
So it ended abruptly. I was sad and i felt like I had failed after that. Like I had not done as good as I could have done towards Emma. And what follow was a silence between me and Emma. I didn’t even say hi to Emma. I simply stopped speaking to her completely. I had to notion of, there was like a rule saying that I should be able to speak with all my exes. But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to speak with Emma. And everytime I met her. I just felt uncomfortable.
And then she got a new boyfriend. Patrick, and I was jealous, and afraid that my lie would be exposed. That I had actually not have sex with Emma.
What played a interessting role in my selection of Emma as partner was what I heard others say about Emma. It was like I confirmed my own values through cross-referencing with Joel. And Joel didn’t find Emma pretty. I valued myself according to what relationships I had. Like, what picture I had managed to attract.
I remember that I was suprised that Emma wanted to be with me. Considering I was late in puberty, and considering there where more pretty boys out there than me.
In school I was uncomfortable to be with Emma. That was one of the points as to why Emma wanted to break up. To her it didn’t look like we where in a relationship because we didn’t hold hand or kiss. Even though I enjoyed to see Emma and speak with Emma. Though I was uncomfortable infront of her friends. And I felt like her friends sized me up and placed me in a box, considering my strenghts and weaknessess, what I was good at and what I was bad at.
I didn’t like thinking about what Emma told her friends also about me and her relationship with me. Because, I had no control, maybe she disliked me a lot but she didn’t tell me. She held it all by herself. And told her friends only. Maybe a giant rumor was leaping around at school about me. Around friends. My performance in bed. My dicksize. How I was to be in a relationship with. What where my qualities and my weaknesses.
I liked the way Emma looked, I liked her body type. Though I felt very uncomfortable being in her house. I remember looking at all her pictures of her friends and stuff like that and in that feeling very uncomfortable. Feeling like I wasn’t a big part of her life. Like I was no part of her life at all. And like her real life, what she really experienced was hidden. And it was like I realized that Emma was a person. With a family, with important things in her life that wasn’t me. So it was like I felt as if I intruded into Emmas life.
I have another memory with Emma that is coming up. I remember standing infront of the mirror with Emma. And I was taking my hands around Emmas stomach. And emma took her hands and removed my hands. That felt kind of uncomfortable. I didn’t understand why she did that.
Being in emmas room was quite uncomfortable. I never felt at home in Emmas house. And I brought condoms several times, but I never dared to introduce them to Emma and ask if she could have sex with me.
I felt like a outcast in Emmas home. And each time I left Emma I felt like I could breath out and let go of my experience. That is a little bit of the experience I am having towards living with and being with Anna for some days.

I continue to write out my relationship construct. Emma was my first girlfriend. Malin was my second girlfriend.
With Malin I had a longer relationship. We where together for about six months. At first I was in love with malin and I liked to be with Malin. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I became enthralled with her eyes. I thought she was the expression of innocence with her eyes.
I also liked her hair, and her darkbrown, big eyes, and her way of clothing herself. She had a specific and relaxed way of dressing herself. Like a hippie. That I fell for that big-time.
Being with Malin was a stormy story also that. And looking back on it I allowed myself to be addicted by my desire to have sex with and be with Malin. I remember how we one time was sitting in the car. Arguing for a hour or something. Where I begged and wanted to go home to Malin and sleep in her house. Something that she didn’t want to do.
Finally I managed to get myself, get Malin to take me home to her house. And I snook in and we lied in the bed together. And I wanted to have sex with Malin. But malin didn’t want to. It was a strange moment. It was, we where kissing and stuff. And then the phone called or something, and then Malin just ignored me. That was like, a experience of being hurt. The entire sex point was uncomfortable with Malin to. Because I didn’t know where I had malin on the sex point. If she wanted to have sex or not.
I was quite annoyed that Malin always was so fearful of having sex. And I wasn’t even allowed to come home to Malin. I don’t know what the was with Malin. Her fear to be intimate with anyone. And let anyone in to her life. Because I never got into her life. And I never opened myself, shared myself and enjoyed myself unconditionally with Malin. But Malin reflected me at that point, as how I experienced myself. I feared intimacy, and I didn’t really let malin into my life.
A big part of letting someone into ones life for real is commitment, a agreement. A verbal agreement and a understanding about what you are doing together. That is to let someone into your life. And I didn’t do that. There was like nothing of substance between me and malin. It was quite empty, both in spoken word, and in sex. And that was mainly what our relationship was about.
A couple of times we went to Denmark to smoke weed. I liked to smoke weed with Malin. And just lie down and sleep with Malin. Lie on malins breast, and hear her breath. It was fun. We had some adventures doing that. And I experienced myself very relaxed and comfortable with her.
Other than that I don’t remember much of my relationship with malin. It was like it in many ways didn’t exist any relationship. Because there was no physical intimacy between us. There was more fear between us.
I remember one time when Malin confronted me, and said, that this relationship is only sex. It was like it struck me in the stomach. Because it was really, only sex, but I didn’t think anything about that. Sex was really everything that I wanted to have from malin. So when she said that. I knew she was right. And I felt quite, struck by the lightning. And immedietly fear came up of loosing malin. And also, a feeling of being rejected and judged by Malin.
So, looking back at these relationships. The word that come up is just empty. And then I wonder. But why is it empty? Maybe because I am empty? And what is emptiness really, but the emptiness of me. Me not being here but being in my mind instead.
I remember once when me and Malin was out in the car. And there opened up a situation of me and Malin going to have sex. And then Malin said no. She had a boyfriend. And at that moment, I was like, hurt. And I didn’t want to show my hurt to Malin. Though Malin saw what I experienced. And that made me embarassed and ashamed. I hated to show myself that way to anybody. Actually showing to somebody else that I experience something.
I think we where smoking weed. Out in the woods, sitting in the car smoking weed. We where going to the place where we meet. But we couldn’t find it.
I met Malin first with Sebastian. She was very quiet. I thought she was so pretty, but I didn’t say anything to her. I felt very afraid of her beauty. And the fact that she was Sebastians girlfriend made me uncomfortable to speak with her.
I remember watching her in school, totally like, enthralled with her presence. Her movement. And I had no way of approaching her. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. And so I did as I usually do. I got drunk, and I talked with one of her friends and that way got Malins telephone number. It’s strange that it’s always that way I did it. I never actually dared to approach girls without being drunk.
I remember also, in relation to girls. Me once finding a girl very attractive one night. And I thought we had something going on. And I looked up her number on the internet and then I called her. This time Marie was with me. And the girl abruptly ended the call, as she didn’t recognize or know me in anyway. I was very embarassed for calling her, and I thought that I had completely lost it. When she didn’t even know my name.
I remember that I had spent that entire week to think and phantasize about her. And then when I brought my dreams into action they failed me.
Some weeks later I sat beside her yet again, and smoked weed with her. I couldn’t speak with her. I was so embarassed and uncomfortable around her. And I thought she disliked me. And also, a man was there, that apperantly had a relationship with the girl. But no real relationship. It was some bullshit some of my friends told me, and I limited myself to what I heard from him. Because I actually feared making those guys angry at me.
So anyway, this made me remember something that I now forgot. In relation to some shit. I was very embarassed after that thing with the girl.
I mean I have had many girls I have tried to snare into my fist. But i have never been able to do it. Many, many girls actually, alexa, josephine, malin, emma.
Oh, I remember a girl called Biljana. Now this was fascinating. I met a girl called biljana that I was attracted to. And we decided to meet. Butt hen Joel told me that this girl was a whore. And that nobody liked, and that she had slept with many.
And so on the day we where going to meet. I had these thoughts of should I do it, or should I not do it? I was very considered of how this action would make me look in the eyes of others. Because I was very concerned with what type of girlfriend I was with. In terms of what impression my girlfriend made upon others.
So I called her and said no, I didn’t want to meet her. Even though I actually enjoyed being with her and speaking with her.
I was many times at parties where I kissed girls and made out with girls. It was a drug to me to hunt down girls and to get to kiss girls. And I mean, I was very lost in this hunt for girls. More lost than I thought before. I thought I actually did more than just go around to different girls all the time. Hoping for the perfect relationship.
Butt hen when the relationship came here. After a lot of struggling, after a lot of compromising, then it was just a fucked up experience.
Another girl, called Bianca. I remember sitting with her in the basement for an entire night. I remember Bianca bringing me home. I remember just sitting with Bianca. And all the time wanting to touch and kiss bianca, but I just didn’t dare to do it.
Man, this brings me back to when I actually kissed a girl I remember being in my head and thinking at the moment I did it. Oh, so this is how it feels. It’s almost automatic. What a strange feeling this is.
So, with Bianca, I found her very attractive. And because of that I felt inferior to her. And i didn’t dare to approach Bianca with any sexual proposal. I wonder why I have done that in my entire life. Like all my life hunting for sex and women. But still never going full through and actually confronting the girls I wanted. I always remained silent, never daring to actually take the stop to get the girl so to speak.
So that was a experience. I remember Joel seeing me as cool for being able to get a relationship with Bianca. There was some shit going on with Bianca where I text-messaged her and stuff like that. I don’t remember how it went down. But I remember that it was because of what I heard Joel had told me about her. That she was perfect and beautiful.
And so I decided tobe with her. Yet I never made it full through. Because I didn’t feel worthy to Bianca.
Oh this goes on to another experience, that goes on with girls you can. So it was a party with my class. And everyone was speaking, it was a speaking about but sex. And I remember how much I hated being there. Because I had no sexual experience at all. And everyone of my classmates seemed to have giant amounts of sexual experience. Maybe actually, everyone was really sexually insecure and fearful.
Yet, everyone pretended that they had loads of sexual experience. So I lied, because I didn’t want to come clean with my experience. I lied to get others to like me and not find out that I was not sexually experienced.
Strange that I was so afraid of showing who i really was to others. And especially in terms of sex. Sex was like the fear of showing myself in anyway.
Maybe it’s in sex that I had hidden most of my fears. I mean there must be a enourmous fear of showing myself inferior. And in sex it seems to be where I show this fear the most. Because it’s in sex that I have actually gone to lies to hide myself. And to place myself in a position of polarity. Sex is actually the only point I can remember at this moment where I have lied to get others to like me. Where i have lied to get others to term and place me as being a acceptable being.
So moving on. To the first encounter with the other sex. That is Hannah. The first encounter, in where I fell in love with another girl. Yet again I didn’t dare to confront this girl face to face and share myself. So I decided to send a note to this girl. Explainging my feeligns. Everything got fucked up, and the girl didn’t notice me. And I was extremely embarassed.
Lol, I have lot’s embarassment towards girls that I am going to work on with self-forgiveness as I move on to clear my entire experience with girls. That seem to consist of a couple of primary points.
I felt inferior to that girl in school to. And I feared approaching her asking if she wanted to come to my party. I was afraid that she would say no. Looking at it I realize that she probably wouldn’t say no. She would probably enjoy being with me at my party.
And that is mostly everything,
I have another experience with girls. And this was with Ida. Oh, looking at it Ida was my second girlfriend. This was the year when all girls wanted to be with me. And all girls found me attractive. And Ida and me got into a relationship. And suddenly I entered this position of popularity and specialness in my school Where everyone liked me and everyone wanted to be with me.
And then that fell apart when I moved back to stockholm, and I felt sexually inferior to everyone yet again.
I remember my relationship with Ida. It was also very dry, and I didn’t dare to touch Ida in anyway. Like physically touching. I remember the day after we got together. I know felt like I had some responsibility towards doing things with Ida. Because we where now in a agreement together. And so I called her and asked if she wanted to do something. But she wasn’t home. But her brother took my call. And he found it amusing that we a had a relationship.
So that was that relationship. I felt like, it was one of those things I did because all the adults did it. That was how I tried to do things at that time. I looked at my parents and then I followed their example.
So with ida, I felt like I had certain responsibilities towards Ida.
Yes, a strange year. That was the year I considered to be my happy year. My strong year where everything in my life went my way.
And then as I came back to skåne. Everything turned around. And I was now the loner yet again. And Ida broke up with me infront of my friends. That was a experience of shame and embarassment also. Even more shame and embarassment added to the point of girl. Maybe because this point, where a point where I still had innocence. A point where self-expression was actually a possibility for me.
And.
I remember I chatted with one girl over internet. I wrote letters with her on the mail. Explaining my days. And when I met her. It was quite fun. To see her. She was very shy. And I didn’t speak to her very much because I was also very shy. That is a usual thing for me. That when I write with someone I am much more comfortable than when I actually meet that somebody in real life. Then it feel uncomfortable all of a sudden. And I become shy. And fearful of expressing myself.
So i have targeted the primary points of my relationship construct.
8 pages of self-forgiveness to clear this. Will do this tomorrow or tonight. It will be a fucking long self-forgiveness session.
1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarassed over sex
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be embarassed over touching females
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be embarassed over taking the first step, over deciding to interact with a female and follow through to interact
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of communicating with females
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of having sex with females
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted towards having sex with females
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and rejected when emma didn’t want to have sex with me
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear ever bringing up the point of sex again with emma in fear that emma would yet again reject me
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, sad and betrayed when emma left me
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like i had done something wrong when emma left me
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when emma left me
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being physically intimate with emma infront of others
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear hugging or kissing emma infront of my friends
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be embarassed and judge myself for having stood and kissed emma, where everyone could see me
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and be embarassed over having grabbed emma on her ass where everyone could see me
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being naked with emma
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become disgusted by seeing that emma had hair on her pussy
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that emma is thinking that she is to old and mature for me
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to women, and afraid of approaching women, and communicating with women, thinking that i am not physically developed yet. And thus not worthy of being in the presence of a women
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that Emma was going to think that my penis was to small
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and rejected when Emma said she wanted to save her virginity, and I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing how I experienced mysefl
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when i noticed that emma wasn’t satisfied with out relationship
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into panic and self-judgement when i noticed that emma was going to leave, and attempt to fix it throguh compromising myself
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like i messed up my relationship with emma
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and feel embarassed that i couldn’t penetrate emma when we had sex
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of not being a good lover
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting and communicating with women in fear that women wil consider me less valueable than other men
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a girlfriend, in fear that people are going to value, and place me in a box due to my interaction with my girlfriend
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to think that i am a bad kisser or a bad toucher
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear kissing and hugging and being physical infront of women, in fear that they are going to judge and dislike me as how i look and as how i express myself physically
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anyone is going to find out that i am a virgin
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that anyone is going to judge me as sexually inferior, and in this fear lie and create stories that are not real. To keep my status with my friends
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear being percieved and seen as a sexually inferior male
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and blame my parents for saying to me that you must have sex, and have a girlfriend and go to parties to be considered a equal
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about sex with malin
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking during sex with malin
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to become disgusted when i saw malin naked
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that malin where going to change her body and become thinner
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that malin would change her body and become more trained
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a relationship with a fat girl in fear that my friends are going to think that my girlfriend is ugly, and thus place me lower in the social hierarchy
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about sex
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define malin as being the prettiest girl alive
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel enthralled when i look at malin
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become enthralled through looking at malins eyes, at malins body, al malins brown hair, at malins perfectly and symtrecial face
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused at seeing malin undressing
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and fearful towards showing my penis infront of malin
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at malin for not pleasing me as i want her to please me in sex
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at malin that malin doesn’t do as i wish her to do
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at malin for ignoring me when we where having sex
50. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected and hurt when malin said, or showed with her body that she didn’t want to have sex with me
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate malin to have sex with me
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to force malin to have sex with me
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused towards taking malin with violence
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused towards fucking malin against her will
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear kissing bianca
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching and having sex with bianca
57. I forgive myself tht i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone with bianca
58. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that bianca is to pretty to me
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am to ugly to be with bianca
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in a relationship with bianca because joel saw bianca as being very pretty, and i desired respect from joel and acceptance from joel in relation to what women i choose to go into a relationship with
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed about speaking with hannah to come to my party
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become embrassed and feel stupid when hannah couldn’t read the letter i had written her
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards hannah
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that hannah would say no if i asked her to come to my birthday party
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that hannah would decline my invitation
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed towards saying that i am in love with someone
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed towards physically touching, and being with another being
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed when i was a small child and when i touched females, and i felt like my parents made fun of me for liking to be around females
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see sex and relationships as something wrong and embarssing
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed over expressing myself in sex
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to be afraid of kissing or asking a girl to have sex with me
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear when girls speak with me
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a crush on girls
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall in love with girls
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a relationship with emma nurmela
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel insufficient towards having a relationship with emma nurmela, because she seemed to liek older guys
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am not old enough, and that i don’t have a physically fit body enough to have a relationship with a girl
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like there is certain rules in a relationship as what i am allowed to do and what i am not allowed to do
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i must entertain and give my attention to the girl i am in a relationship with
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to copy my parents behaviour
81. I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to feel embarassed when ida broke up with me infront of my friends
82. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferiorized infront of my friends, and feel like i lost my man-hood
83. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, and fear to show that i was hurt in fear that my friends where going to ridicule me for what i experienced
84. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to ida
85. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed about touching ida infront of my friends
86. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed about kissing, and speaking, and being with ida infront of my friends
87. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that ida was going to reject me infront of my friends
88. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to fear that my friends where going to laugh at me and consider me weak and inferior for being physically intimate with ida
89. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when ida approchaed me to have a relationship
90. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when i saw that girls liked my picture
91. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when people looked at me as pretty and wanted to be my girlfriend
92. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel strong, to feel important and unique when ida decided that she wanted to have a relationship with me
93. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel in love when ida approached me through mimmi, saying that i want to have a relationship
94. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed and judged over how i physically developed in comparison to my friends during my teenage years
95. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and rejected when a girl told me that i looked a lot younger than i was
96. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and sad when a girl told me that i looked as if I was twleve years old when I was 15 years old
97. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become embarassed that JJJ didn’t know my name when I called her
98. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid, and feel like I had mis-calculated the signs that JJJ gave me
99. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for being rejected by JJJ
100. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that nogge was going to become angry and jealous and decide to hit me if I decided to interact with JJJ
101. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and fearful towards speaking with JJ
102. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed infront of Maria, that the girl I told her, I was having a relationship with, didn’t really know who I was
103. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that Maria was seeing me as a weirdo that had no connection to reality
104. I forgive myself that i have acceted and allowed myself to fear that maria saw me as a rapist and as a inferior male that had no connection, and no seeing of what was a potential relationship and what was not a potential relationship
105. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for becoming sexually interessted by maria
106. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards becoming sexually interessted by maria
107. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for speaking self-forgiveness out loud infront of malin and maria
108. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel guilty for being abusive, and attempting to play the role of the superior to malin and maria
109. I forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel guilty that I allowed myself to become possesed when i was with Malin and Maria, and drop Malin and Maria of at a place, where they couldn’t get anywhere
110. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret myself that I didn’t consider how malin and maria where going to experience themselves due to my decision
111. I forgive myself that i have accepted an dallowed myself to judge myself that I allowed myself to act in the desire to be superior and special towards malin and maria
112. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret myself that i yelled at malin, and that i used what i saw in malins behaviour to make her feel inferior to me and comply to me
113. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel guilty for having spoken self-forgiveness infont of malin and maria
114. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i have ruined the relationship with malin and maria
115. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i won’t be able to have a relationship with malin and maria again
116. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that i dropped malin and maria of pre-maturely
117. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty that i dropped malin and maria off pre-maturaly
118. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty that i attempted to play the saviour construct with malin and maria, where I tried to save everyone, and be as correct as possible to feel good about myself

Here,Here,Here

2010-07-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am thinking about having a break from my usual duties today and simply drop what I usually do today and focus upon something else. Like lying down or not doing anything at all or recording music.
I enjoy what Sunette said about taking one day every week and then on that day not doing anything at all as to see if your possesed by what you do. I am going to take this day and do that for myself. But for future reference. That day will be a Sunday. That will be my relaxing and writing day.
Interessting that Anna wrote about agreements also today. And what I thought I saw within her as being this determination to stand up and support herself before going into a agreement again was actually there. The same day as I have written about the same point. And the same point has come up within me. To go into a agreement with another.
I see that I will have to wait with this agreement for now. It has not opened up yet. I must wait for Anna to stabilize. Because it is Anna that I am at the moment considering to go into a agreement with. I haven’t told her yet. There is no need to tell her at the moment. She will know if she reads this. I will let this decision be here for a while so I can see if I really want this. And also clear a couple of points that has come up in relation to this decision. And then when I have waited for a while I will move myself. I want to stabilize myself even more before I go into a agreement again. I want to have my writing and my self-forgiveness being specific and to the point. And I want to expand on my application of breathing and simply transcend some more of my resonant possesion points. That are fucking with me.
My last time I was in a agreement I didn’t make decisions for myself. It is something that I have recently started to do. Also looking at the points as the come up within me to see if they actually have relevancy or not. Writing is the tool which I assist myself with in terms of taking decisions. And with Anna, and a agreement in general I see that it’s best to wait. And clear some of these desire points and arousal points for good.
The last times I have gone into relationships it has been fun in the beginning. Yet, I have been very dishonest when I have gone into relationships before this. At least this is how I see it as I look back. I constructed a very nice personality when I wanted to get into a women. When I wanted to create a relationship with a women. And I laughed and I smiled and I joked. And that was my recipy to get to be with a women. I didn’t dare to be myself. And I have actually no knowledge, and no idea of how to manifest a agreement with someone without going into this relationship personality.
A agreement is more simple than a relationship. A agreement is something that is agreed upon by two parties. It’s a specific set amount of principles, it’s a rational discussion about what self want to experience and what self do not want to experience. And then it’s a walking together towards manifesting this experience that self want. In terms of everything.
What do I want to experience in communication? In sex? In taking responsibility?
It’s also a walking in full commitment to another. Where one say. I will be a part of your life and assist and support you to walk your life. I won’t simply leave you when I feel for it. I have made a decision to walk with you as I have made a decision to walk with myself. It’s not a decision that is based upon energy. I have made this decision from a understanding, and from a realization of what it is that I want to give myself towards.
That is how a agreement is created. It’s stipulated through specific words. It’s also created from the principle of equality. Where I am responsible for what I experience. And you are responsible for what you experience. We won’t allow ourselves to become pissed of, or judge, or create secrets. We will everyday move ourselves in self-support to stop that part of ourselves that shouldn’t be here.
And that is a agreement. A walking together. That is done through a mutual understanding.
I did consider the point of walking with another that has no understanding or knowledge of desteni. A walking with such a person would be interessting. Challenging. Different. It would be interessting to see how such a agreement would develop. Even though I mostly know how it would develop. It would depend entirely upon the women I select to have a agreement with. What kind of standing she already has within herself. And what kind of life-experiences she has gone through.
In this world everyone tries to run away from themselves. Everyone want something outside of themselves. And relationship is that thing which everyone wants because everyone believes that there is no fulfillment and completion and peace outside of this. It’s not so. I have realized. And I am seeing more for everyday that there is more than relationships and entertainment. There is a experience of fulfillment and peace and completion. And as I let go of the past as ideas accumulated in my skin I realize the enjoyment and simplicity of being here.
Before I wanted to have weed everyday, I wanted to go to friends everyday. Everyday I wanted something new to happen. Yet, whatever happened I wasn’t satisfied. I didn’t enjoy myself.
The only place I found where I could relax, or let go of my troubles was with weed. It ended like that. Weed was my only solution to what I experienced. It was so nice to be able to feel grounded and earthed as I smoked weed. It was so nice to speak. Though what I notice with weed is the presence is lost from here. Thoughts start to move fast, and fast, and soon you are lost. And moving as a reaction. Where there is no life but only thoughts.
I used to enjoy speaking with people a lot. And playing video games. And then I got home the next day and I felt satisfied. I needed to be with friends to be able to let go of my anxiety and my feeling, of feeling like I must do something or complete something.
This feeling of me needing to do something is still here to a certain exctenct. It has shifted it’s focus. But I still experience this need to do certain things.
Today I have spent by the computer. I have been writing a lot. I wrote about Anna and I did self-forgiveness that will assist me. I have also checked facebook, sub4sub, and worked with my SRA. And that is what I have been doing today.
I have been silent today. Except for some instances.
One thought patterns that I noticed much today was guilt and self-judgement. It comes up as a emotion and it’s connected to several events. I notice how I go into this self-judgement. I usually stop what I am doing. And I look away at some direction. Then I breath and I get myself back here to yet again do what I am doing.
I notice that I still consider guilt and self-judgement to be true experiences. True thoughts and I still define myself according to these experiences. Still think when the self-judgement comes up that I am this self-judgement. And when the guilt comes up that I am this guilt.
I have also wondered when these experiences come up how I should relate to these experiences. Because I have realized that simply breathing through it, does that really help? Apperantly not. Because at my visit at the farm I was consistent within breath. Yet I managed to create many supressions. And many times I supress what I experienced and didn’t recognize since several days later. And those thoughts and experiences had manifested shit in me. A supression, which I when I spoke it out noticed how much weight was lifted from my shoulders.
So that is why, I, when guilt and self-judgement comes up do not stop my experiences immedietly and discard it as unreal. Because I am thinking that this experience might have some validity. And that I might not disregard it completely. What is fascinating though is that, at the moment of impact so to speak, when the thoughts hit my brain. What choice do I have? What can i do more than breath and let go? Then only think I can do in such a moment except breathing and letting go is to think. And what does thinking help? Does wondering is useless. I rather breath and let go and later deal with any experience through self-forgiveness and writing. Those are my tools that I use to support myself. When I don’t have access to the tools my objective is to stay out of the mind as much as possible. Which is accomplished through breathing.
Guilt was a experience I went into a lot before. I noticed that as I looked upon my writings of the old me. I had some periods in my life as I stopped smoking marijauana where I went into intense periods of self-judgement and guilt. There was one period when I was going to Barcelona with Mattias. And something happened, something went down, I don’t know specifically what, but I remember me feeling guilty and telling myself to never let down another.
The same thing went down with my diving instructors course. Where I missed a lesson. That was at the time when I still smoked marijuana. And I remember I went into intense self-judgement and guilt for that. And also fear. Because I felt like I had really lost it, and that everything I did was just going downhill. And that everything I was doing was only to waste money and not uphold promises.
Then I have the memory of me sitting with my parents discussing my weed addiction. And my parents where crying. And I where wishing the drug councilour to be dead. And then after that I kind of stopped smoking weed.
I remember the day after that drug council meeting. That I was kind of down. And some of my dreams had been taken away. One of the dream was to live in a small cottage out in the forest and smoke weed the entire day. And what my parents and the drug councilar told me was that. If you don’t smoke weed you will never excell at anything. But in reverse.
That was their one thing they had to tell me. That I would still be with the same friends and do the same things if I continued to smoke weed. Quite stupid, how could they know what I was going to do and not do only upon the fact that I was smoking weed.
I don’t know why I went there that day. And confronted my parents. Probably because I wanted to rebell and really fuck up my parents. And show that I was strong and I was standing by my belief and idea that this was life. Then I gave everything up and conformed. Because I didn’t want to loose my security with my parents. I didn’t want to loose my relationship with my parents. I have confined myself a lot through wanting, depending upon my parents to support me. When I could have easily supported myself. And moved out from home and taken some risks. I am going to take more risks and this time I am moving out for good. And I´ll find some other place to stay, don’t know where I am going to place all my stuff. I will figure something out. Maybe I can rent a appartment somewhere in some city during the summer. And then when the winter comes I apply for university and I get my student appartment. The best thing would be to get to norway and get myself some labour.
Anyway, so guilt. Those are my experiences of guilt. It has also been stupid stuff during my life that I have felt guilty for. Like not playing, or being good enough at ice-hockey. Or not doing good enough at a test-score. Or breaking my mothers favorite wase. I remember when I did that. And i ran away and I hid, and then my mother came. And I was like, oh god what have I done. And my mother looked at my like. Son, you have broken my heart because you broke this stuff. God, it was only because my mother thought that the memory was so important. The memory of her mother. And I felt guilty because she told me how much it meant to her, but I didn’t listen and I still played my ball inside. Looking at it now, my mother could have moved the got damn vase.
And, I have also felt guilty for upsetting Jerry, and making Jerry angry at me. There was some period in our friendship when Jerry and I had a fight about something. I don’t remember what it was. But it lead to me and jerry not speaking for a couple of months. Being with Jerry was fucked up in that way. That when I didn’t hold promises or did what he told me, I was questioned afterwards as to why. It was strange when our relationship suddenly changed. And jerry began with these long chats about stupid shit. And I was like. What the fuck is going on here. It changed in a moment. And a part of me felt pretty cool that I finally got raised to a position of being very important to someone. And it was like strange how Jerry wanted me to tell him that I liked him.
Long, long chats about bullshit. Yet I remained friends with Jerry even though, yes maybe I told him that I didn’t liked him or something like that and that he could fuck off and that I didn’t care about him. Might have been that. In a telephone call. When he called me up, yes I think it was that. I was quite satisfied with it. And I didn’t care much about it. And then suddenly we where friends again. And i entered the period of smoking weed. Which came to dominate my life for a long time.
I have lived a pretty hectic life. Many periods of different friends. I always struggled to get into my friends. And be friends with my friends. I didn’t feel like I could connect with my friends. I didn’t feel like I was ever accepted by my friends. Like I was ever placed in this containment of being my friends friends, I always had to fight for it I felt like. Fight to be respected, and fight to be a part of something. It wasn’t something that I enjoyed.
That was what took up my life back then. It was playing computer and then going to friends for short visists. Those visits where based in anxiety. And I didn’t enjoy myself as I did those visits. I went to my friends. Stayed there. Looked at a movie or something. Experienced myself generally bored. And then I drove home again on my motorbike. It was some shit from my mother probably, where my mother told me that i had to have friends and do fun shit.
Man, i remember this shit I did once with Lisa. I was like following Lisa for an entire night. Wanting her to be my date. And I was not alone. And well, it was like I didn’t exist to Lisa. I was just her puppy from which she got attention. So I said, this is fucking bullshit and I stopped seeing Lisa.
So with friends, it has not been a pleasant journey. I have attempted to have as many friends as possible. And be as liked by as many as possible. I was jealous at Sebastian for having the ability to become friends with everyone. I hated him for that. He could just decide upon what he wanted and then he got what he wanted. That was the case when he decided he was going to be in a relationship with Ida. He decided upon it and then hed id it. He always succeded with everything. He was like the perfect man in everything. He was the one I considered to be the most perfect being in school. Someone that had everything he wanted. Everyone liked him. He had a girlfriend. And everyone thought he was attractive.
I was fighting to become like that and earn the same reputition and attention. But I never reached to a point where I felt like I had really made it to such a position. I was always dopey, stupid, and inferior to others. Always the one sitting at the back in each class.
So these last years I have fucking gived up everything like that. And my parents is really the last thing I am holding on to. I must stand up from this shit and direct myself alone in the matrix. And trust myself to direct myself in the matrix. And do so until, well, yes, just fucking direct myself in the matrix. That is what I am going to do. As I leave from this house I will see to it that I will be able to direct myself without my parents. I will plan my life to work out for me.
I notice I want to rely on friends. I want to have friends support me and house me. That is the plan I am going towards in my mind. And I fear actually supporting myself and taking a decision to make money myself. And to get my own appartment. To rent my own appartment. And to look for a job and really get a job.
But I see that this is what I must do. I must accomplish to stand by my own in the matrix and not fall on to dependency on anyone else. I must be the mover of myself in the city.
I had a big pain in my knee as I wrote this. Maybe because I realized how fun it can be to move myself out in the matrix by myself. And learn how this world works and learn everything by myself. And now my knee is fucking burning up. Yes, interessting to take a decision that will force me to take decision and learn about how shit works in this world. Like, rent, and earning money. First hand experience of this shitty world is what I am going to get.
And I don’t have so much fear of anything really. I don’t fear fucking up completely. I don’t fear ending up on the streets. I don’t fear selling everything I have. I don’t fear starvation. I don’t fear the cold. I am going to enjoy myself in moving me in the matrix.

Coming home again

2010-07-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

Okay,
Hello. Today I have been quite silent. I have applied breath gently. And breathed very silently, and with small breaths. Yet breaths that has filled my entire physical body. I breath from a point in my lower stomach. I only need to take very small breaths. Yet I am aware of the detail of the breath I take.

Studying my breath has brought some interessting realizations in terms of how I experience myself. Through my breath and how I breath I am able to see exactly what my experience is. Shallow and fast breaths means fear and nervousness, and attempting to hurry and express myself in a rush.

Slow and very deep breaths is supression. Where I attempt to supress a experience through breathing very deeply in and out.

Normal breathing is the coolest way to breath. It has taken a while to develop my breathing. But now it’s getting really effective. My application over all is getting very effective.

As I sat down to do music today I noticed how last time I wrote here had created a mind-fuck about my application in accordance with music. I wrote, sing in harmony with the music. That is actually a mind fuck. What is the point then within singing and expressing myself that I have been missing? The point is balance and to express myself equal and one as my body. Where I stand as my body and express myself naturally as my body. I am not attempting to force out the expression, yet I am not holding back expression. I am simply taking a breath and I blow out the words. And as I express myself this way I experience a physical comfort and easiness. So this is the new way which I through exploration have found to be real self-expression in relation to music.

And what Bernard said before. With me not yet finding the point of balance. I do think it has to do with me screaming or forcing out my voice. And not allowing my voice to come naturally. To simply be here. So that is what I am working on in relation to my music. To express myself as myself.

Today I felt very satisfied and calm within myself. I had no resistance towards doing my high-school test studying. I simply sat down to do it. I actually felt very stable and calm the entire day. And I enjoyed myself a lot.

Though some shit came up now recently as I practiced my guitar and as I sang. Some fear or shit, because I experienced this discomfort.

What I have noticed in terms of my music is that. I am like, very keen to judge my music. And I am also very keen to figure out my music. I did a piece of music a couple of days ago. And when I sang it I noticed that i had troubles to get it good. And I also started to judge parts of the music composition. And I planned in my mind to change the first part of the song to be more gentle. And soft. But when I listened to the song I realized how cool the song was and how much I enjoyed it. I am still facing the point of doing music for myself. And enjoying to do music for myself.

Speaking, and expressing myself is becoming more fluent day by day. I have actually experienced me expressing myself quite freely. It was fun and it was with my sister. I enjoyed it a lot.

Forgiveness is beginning to be understood within me. What forgiveness and letting go actually implies. Letting go of thoughts as they come up and forgiving thoughts as they come up. Forgive everything. That is the key. Forgiveness is done through breath. Through breathing and standing here in the physical and letting go of the experience within. Just letting go and letting all the imaginary shit slide away. Give no attention to it at all.

So, that is my experience of today. A slow day where nothing really came up or happened. No boredom really. No depression really. No experience at all. Time went fast and after a while the day was done. And this is the end of the day. Where I sit and write out the end of the day infront of a computer.

I always do this at the end of the day. All days seem to same to me. Before that would have been a nightmare to realize. That all fucking days are the same. But it’s true. There is nothing to live for in this reality. There is only self to live for. This reality is a pattern going round and round and round. And I understand why Bernard must have been quite bored with this reality. He is stuck in a program that goes around and around and never stops. The sun goes up and the sun goes down. Go to the job and then go home.
It’s fascinating to experience how time and room is dissepearing for everyday I apply myself. More and more I realize how much of my experience have been controlled by pictures. All this world is simply pictures placed up and then different feelings have been created to these pictures. That’s basically what everyone call life. Pictures moving in chronological order. And then one define oneself according to the pictures and the feelings that they awaken.

Lol, i dislike seeing myself on a television screen. I am always so hard on myself when I see myself in a television. Because i see all my experiences and patterns so clearly. Yep, lol, I just fucking keep writing. This stuckedness I experience is probably just something created through me wanting to write something important.
Yes, so a song release. My new song. Mine and estenis new song. And it’s like fascinating that I become embarassed over seeing myself in the computer screen and seeing how I express and move myself physically.

Lol embarassment,
Okay so writing, simply expressing me through words. It’s not difficult. It’s quite easy.

But what to write about in this world. It seems like I have like, written myself out of anything about me. It’s like already know most thing about myself and I have like already written about them. Like there is no experience anymore to write about just, well, other stuff to write about.

It’s like 15 days to I am going to school. And I am excited towards living in a new place and studying again. It’s going to be fun. Though some objects are probably going to be quite boring. Like history. Though other subjects are going to be fucking awesome. I believe to study.

I am also going to live alone which is going to be cool. And I am going to be able to practice my standing with other people. Simply living alone with no one else. It’s going to be nice to get away from my family.

Though I won’t have as much time as I had before to do shit. I really wonder how I am going to be able to get as much as I need to study for the high-school test. I am going to have to get a grade four in the people high-school to have any chance of getting in the law. And also at the same time study for the high-school test. Those two things must get highest priority. Other, so music will get third priority. I will see how much time I have.

I also want to do the course offered on the high-school test site. I am actually going to do that. I haven’t done it yet because I didn’t want to waste money. It’s just stupid and it’s pro-crastination from doing what I know is best for me.
Okay that’s it.

I don’t have anything more to write about I think. Man, such troubles to write stuff out, such troubles to find anything to write about. I do really think that I have been writing a lot from my mind before this. I never noticed how hard time I actually have to write anything down at all at paper.

I think it might be comparison towards others writings. Like Marlens writings. She always write in a coherent way, and always writes with only one subject in mind and then writes that subject to the end. Not shifting and going to other dimensions of thought but simply sticking with the initial decision as to what to write about. It might be a good idea to select a topic to write about before I begin to write so I know what I am going to focus my writing upon. Choose one point to expand upon and then working with that point only and expanding upon that point only. Because what I am fighting and facing at the moment is me not being able to find something to write about really. It feels like everything has been emptied out and thus I don’t know where to start.

So I simply start at a location and then I write about that experience, or what it is that I am opening up as specifically as possible.

And then, there comes a point when there is nothing more to write. Then I simply move on to the next point. And open up the next point. I just take the points as they come up within me. And I open up a point. I move through the point laying it out infront of me as specifically and expansive as possible. And when there is nothing more there I move on to the next point. And that way I clear dimensions after dimensions and I allow me to expand and open up one point fully without veering of into other dimensions of thought without finishing what I first started.

My video today:
Topic: Music

So in my process I have been much involved with music. It has been a theme I have been returning to. Both because I am very good at it, at least I am effective in my skill at playing guitar. And also because I enjoy to do music. I enjoy to sing and express myself in lyrics.

Though there has always been this pressure within me towards music. I have not been able to express myself with music in a relaxed and comfortable way. I have always like felt this pressure to succed and become something with my music. Which has been to become something with my music.

This desire to become something with my music has really ruined my expression within music in terms of enjoying music as a way of exploring creativity. Since I started to play guitar it had the starting point of becoming really, really fucking awesome. I remember that I took the decision because I felt like I had nothing as a skill of my own. And I wanted to develop something of my own that I could show myself to others with as who I am. And I choose guitar. And I practiced religiously. Wanting to improve myself. I decided to interact with certain people because of their ability to play instruments. I decided to be with certain people because of they play and expressed themselves within music. Back then, I had the dream already of one day succeding and becoming special. Of making it in the music industry.

I started to dress differently to be able to create myself a persona that would fit into the music industry. I practiced all of these special ways of playing only to improve my stamina, and my agility with my fingers on the guitar. I took courses on the internet. I listened to all the famous guitarists and how they played. Preparing myself to be able to play the same way. Preparing myself to be able to become something through my skill of playing guitar.

So, I have been preparing myself in my entire life to become something. And this desire to become something have been nagging me in my entire life. I think it’s because of this desire that I have picked up so many different hobbies. I wanted to find the thing that I would become awesome at doing. It wasn’t because I enjoyed it so fucking much. I just wanted to find that which would define me and which would make me awesome.
So it became music and the guitar. When I first started playing guitar. I don’t know why really. It was just something that I did because it was avaivable to me at the moment. Then I started to practice some at home. Playing certain songs that I liked very much. And then I created a band with a couple of friends. We didn’t play as much. There was no real focus in the band and nobody could really sing.

I remember I did one song that people enjoyed. I also enjoyed it. And I tried to write a song back then but I couldn’t write it. I had nothing to write about and I was very embarassed over everything I wrote. Embarassed over the way I sung also. Embarassed that I had such a tiny voice, I hadn’t entered puberty yet.

So I came to play alone with myself mostly. Not really giving it any attention.
Butt hen I came to a point in my life where I felt like I had wasted my life. I had not really done anything of worth. I hadn’t not developed any skill at all. I was quite useless at everything. I was a mediocre. Never to be noticed by anyone and then slowly rot away and die.

I didn’t want that. So I conciously decided to focus upon only one thing and give up all the rest. I came to focus on musc.

I played lot’s of fucking music. And I started to compose my first songs. I was embarassed over my first songs and I didn’t dare to sing them to anyone. I remember they where about something with rolling around in life, or something like that.
And then I remember me actually joinging a band for a short while. I didn’t enjoy that either. That was when I was really, i had become quite good at playing guitar. And ye, so I joined a couple of others. And we sang some together. And ehm, ye, I didn’t want that. I said I wanted to make a difference with my music. In reality I just wanted to get famous. I think that was why I gave that oppurtunity away. I could actually have enjoyed myself there if I had done for the sake of playing guitar and playing music and not for the sake of becoming famous and making a difference with my music.
That thing, of wanting to become something and make a difference with my music have really stuck with me. Maybe it’s way I feel like I have such a hard time enjoying my process of musical creation. Because I am so focus on the outcome and where I want to reach with my music. To give up my music to study law is the hardest thing I have done so far. Because it means giving up my desire and my dream for something that is actually real. Studying is my real talent actually, it’s what I am really fucking good at. Learning new things.

Though, anyway, so it’s time to give up this desire to make a difference with my music. Which I placed so much hope and expectation within. My dream of becoming something in this life. To make a difference, to write lyrics that would affect others, to become the new bob dylan. And yes, many things played into this particular creation of this desire.

I remember as a youngling that I event hen wanted to become big. I wanted to become a director back then. And then that was the skill which I focus upon developing. Quite aware was I also of what I was doing and why I was doing it. Developing the skills I thought I was going to need to become a big director in the future and make many new movies. I went to seminars, to get a to a place, and reach somewhere, to get into with individuals that I would be able to become famous with.

Fascinating. To become a director was my real first dream. Yet, it began innocently. I enjoyed making the first movies that I did exstensively. Running around and making schemes with small plastic figures. I enjoyed that. Then as everyone saw my movies, and I noticed that i enjoyed making these movies. I thought that I wanted to do more than just have a ordinary job. Maybe I wanted to become a movie director as I grew up.
I did many movies. It was like the only skill I came to develop as my skill. I knew how to cut movies and I knew how to make people laugh and enjoy my movies. I thought of myself as being really good in terms of making movies. In terms of cutting and creating movies.

I remember when I invented a söndraby productions. And then came a lerjevallen productions. There wasn’t so much a desire within me then to make it as a movie producer. Though when I first saw hipp, hipp, I noticed the desire within me to do also sketches like that. And have my sketches be known by everybody.
I had decided that I wanted to be a artist. I wanted to be a creative person that had a creative job. That was what I defined as being fun. To smoke weed and mess around and just go into fantasy and do things.

And I remember I used to draw many maps and invent stories also. I think I wanted to write books. But I never wrote any books. I just draw maps. I enjoyed that exstensively. I made up all kinds of stuff on these lands. Deserts, forests, names, I made up a history as what I existed between the people and how the land was constructed and what people lived in the land. And I think simon did the same thing back then , he also draw maps.

Yes, so fame has been my prime desire. What I have really wanted and what I have really attempted to become in my life. And what I have everyday had on my mind. What everyday has made my experience filled with anxiety and pressure. To move myself everyday to either maintain or create skills in relation to doing music. So to let this go and just allow me to see that music as a expression. Just like anything else is very cool. I want to have music simply as a hobby, nothing more, nothing that I am going to aim at becoming, nothing that is going to control and become my life. I want it simply as something that I do because I enjoy to be creative. Enjoy creating new melodies and enjoy singing. Nothing but that.

Okay,

Self-forgiveness:
1. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as courages and strong and not afraid of anything
2. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself and be seen as a man that isn’t afraid of fighting
3. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to win physical fist fights
4. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see myself as being strong and couragous
5. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a man that doesn’t back down from a conflict
6. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a strong and physically superior man
7. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become like indiana jones
8. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in my mind and create a superhero of myself as what i am and what i can do without considering the physical reality
9. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself as the physical
10. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be and be seen as a hard and brave and strong male
11. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as having a stone face, as always knowing what i am going to say and how i am going to say it
12. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be stronger and more directive than others
13. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be called by my father courageous
14. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be called by my father as being brave and strong
15. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as special by others for the way i am expressing and moving myself
16. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a proud and strong man that everyone is afraid of
17. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the leading male, and the alpha male
18. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the leader of a group of people
19. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a spritiual leader for others
20. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen by others as a front figure for the revolution, for a better world
21. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a revolutionarity and a brave man that doesn’t take shit from anyone
22. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel, and see myself as being in control and being above others in every situation
23. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as never being moved or taken by suprise by anyone
24. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a calm, directive, intelligent and strong male
25. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become stronger than my dad
26. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and feel guilty for having fought my dad
27. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashame and embarassed for having begged for forgiveness from my dad
28. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become more directve than my dad
29. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as mysterious, and as a role model for others
30. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a role model for others in terms of how you should express yourself, and move and direct yourself in this world
31. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as physically superior, and mentally superior to others
32. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become and be a superhero
33. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the man that is all-knowing and that can control and direct every situation and that always is calm and cool and have the right thing to say
34. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to copy pictures of males, and believe me to also must pretend and express myself as the pictures of males that i have seen
35. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present and express myself as the models in the commercial of dress man
36. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a man must express himself in a silent, controlled, serious, and stable manner
37. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as being controlled, stable, silent, focused, hard, determined, powerful, and superior
38. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to desire to become like the males i have seen in the dress man commercial
39. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as the world can’t touch me and that i am not able to be controlled or in any way loose towards the world
40. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my face, in fear of not being able to withhold the presentation of being a male such as the picture of focus, domination, superiorty, stability, control, and directness
41. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only express myself as the picture i have created of what a male is and how a male should express himself
42. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to exist as a picture
43. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become and be physically strong and have a physically superior body with much muscles and no fat
44. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have beard, and to desire to have dark short hair, and a strong big neck, and big wide shoulders
45. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have big muscular hands with long fingers, and hands that show that i have done physical labour
46. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a small yet perfectly shaped nose, perfectly symetrically shaped nose
47. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have wide chin bones, visible chin bones, marked chin bones, brown eyes, and a straight face, that doesn’t reveal any emotion or discomfort but simply shows a silent domination at all times
48. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have big and perfectly symtrical breasts, with no fat at all
49. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a well shaped body and a big penis and a big pouch
50. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have others looking up to me
51. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have others asking me for advice
52. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a example for others
53. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others are going to be jealous when they see me, and consider me as being an example of a real standing
54. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others are going to see me as important for the desteni cause
55. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others are going to want to speak and communicate with me, due to seeing me as being important for the desteni cause
56. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as important, and a strong and valueable person in the cause for equality in the world
57. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become famous and known for my videos and for my writings and for what I share on the desteni forum
58. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a front figure for desteni
59. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to ask me first when they feel unstable and when they need help with something
60. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to come to me for help when they need direction and guidance in their world
61. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as already finished and done with this process
62. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen by others are being the most stable individual in this process
63. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to enjoy watching my videos that i share on youtube
64. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to like watching the videos that i share on youtube
65. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are finding my videos interessting and assisting, and that i am having an impact upon how others experience themselves through the videos that i am making
66. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to think of me as being joyless
67. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are not going to enjoy my videos, or my written work or my music
68. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to consider and see me as joyless and lifeless
69. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are going to dislike watching me speaking and expressing myself because I have no joy
70. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as joyless
71. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a boring and predictable person
72. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to define me as unpredictable and a innocent and funny being to be around which you never know what is going to happen around
73. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and create myself according to what i heard my friends told me about me that i was unpredictable and not like everyone else
74. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to not be like everyone else
75. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be different from everyone else
76. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to see and think that there is something different about me in comparison to everyone else
77. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to find me more interessting than what they find others
78. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people are going to find me being more full of life than others
79. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make a impact upon others
80. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hear from others that i am not like everyone else, but that i am special, unique and unpredictable
I am here
I am self-acceptance
I am self-love
I am self-presence
I am presence
I am stability
I am self-enjoyment
I am gentleness
I am softness
I am here